No support from friends

LegacyUser

Without dragging this out to be a very long post I will keep it as short and informative as possible, but bear with me if I ramble. I am mother of 2 in my late 30's. My marriage has gone through a very rough year. Tbh our problems started a very long time ago but I never recognised them or thought things would get this bad. My husband, while I love him to bits, is avery difficult person to live with. He has many issues which he never recognised before but recently he is confronting his demons and going to counselling. this make things on the home front easier as I can now discuss things wiht him and he is more will ing to accept my point of view or respect it. It is a slow process as I believe he has to change a life time of habits which have become part of his personality. But I have great faith and believe change is possible. He has already come along way. Unfortunately he has only come to this stage due to how bad things had become. To cut a long story short, things spiraled so far that he flipped one night (after we both had a lot to drink at a party) and became violent. This was such a shock to him and me that he took action straight away.

I have also had a few issues and one being that I thought I was handling the whole situation but I really did feel like I was caught in a cycle as I have been in an abusive relationship before and managed to get away. So I think I had some kind of an internal breakdown where I was outwardly coping but inwardly I was falling apart and feeling like a fool. I got a bit side tracked with a few wayward friends/aquintances and before I realised it I was on the verge of an affair. My husband discoverd this and our relationship was in tatters again. Considering this was only 2 months after the violent outburst he did really well in handling the situation.

At the time I confided in my closest friend about what had been happening. As I really needed the support and advice. NOw 5 months down the road my relationship is in a much better place and we are really addressing our issues together. Things are much better and I feel confident that niether of us will return to our bad ways. I have great faith in people in general and we all have the power to change once we address our issues and understand our behaviour. but one of my friends dropped a bombshell on me on Sat night. After a few drinks she gave me a sharp dressing down and basically she thinks I should leave my husband , I should not be giving him a second chance, I should never have married him in the first place, I moved in wiht him too soon after meeting him and I had my kids too soon! i am shocked. I really need support and understanding and I need the people around me to have the respect and confidence in me that I can gauge my own relationship. She has made feel like a fool. She also mentioned that when she told her husband he was disgusted. Although everything I told her was in confidence. I think that she and my other friends must be having a critical analysis of my problems behind my back. I stood up for myself as best I could even though I was really upset but now 3 days later I am still feeling very offended. Should I disuuss this with her and my other friends as I feel that no matter what they should have respect for me and my decisions, bar if I was in dange which I am not.

Sorry this has become very long winded.

tantipie

you need to tell her that this IS your decision,,,and things are now alot better than they were and ye are both trying to work at it and you really need her to be just there for you to support you,,you also need to tell her that what you say is in confidence and dont want the world and her friends to know,,

LegacyUser

I should have mentioned that I think she is echoing a general consenus from all my friends as they (3 others) all would have been told the details by myself at the time as I was in such a mess and one of them was at the said party. I am so disappointed that they feel this way as I see it as a reflection of their lack of respect towards me and not my partner. I am very nervous about bringing up this subject with her or them as I think emotions/feeling are high and it is me against 4 really. Although I should not have anything to prove but basically tell them not to be so judgemental towards me and my life. As in reality, all of these girls, while are happilly married there are aspects of their relationships which I would not accept in mine or believe should be tolerated but I would never, ever express this as it would be completely disrespectful to them. I know their argument is going to be that they are only worried for me but I am the one telling them ther is not need fro worry but a great need for support.

Curvy Vixen

I think that you need to talk to her OP but I think that first of all you need to decide what you want to say and more importantly where you want your friendship to go.

We all judge everyone around us even subconsciously and in general ifyou care about someone you manage to hold it in. But every now and again you are so worried about loved ones you just blurt out what you think is the best thing, in your opinion, for them to do. It seems like she has done this. And of course you're going to feel like a fool after she has said her piece. But I suppose at the back of it all you can understand that it seems she has only done this out of love for you not to hurt you.

I was in a very similar boat recently after my marraige went down the drain and my 3 very bestest friends said 'ah sure we knew that would happen ~ we drew straws to tell you not to marry him when you got engaged'. I know they did this because they cared for me but I was shocked and really hurt by it. Once I got my head around it I understood that it was more because they loved me than they wanted to hurt me.

But if you feel that you can't get over this and you don't want this friendship on these terms then I still think that you should talk to her but explain how you feel. Tell her that it was unacceptable and that you don't feel that you can get around it. Tell her that you are unhappy about her discussing your affairs with her husband.

But I think that a better course of action would be to stand back, take a while to compose your thoughts, and see that the comment was meant because she cared for you. You will have to agree to disagree and prove her wrong over time.

If you really don't want her to talk to her husband about you then you should absolutely tell her that though I doubt that she will change this tbh..

Is it worth losing a friend over?

LegacyUser

Curvy Vixen, thanks for that. I do think you are right I will wait a while before I react. I do need to think about my points carefull to enable a specific message get across. Last thing I need is to be accussed of being over senstive or over reacting. She is obviously being this way with my out of concern. I am aware that it is a hard situation to justify when so many people can be judge and jury on domestic violence. There is a very definite attitude of once an abuser always an abuser. I do not agree with this as I know too well that abuse comes in many forms not just physical. We all have the capability to be manipulating but recognising this and being prepared to change it is the right course of action. I am wise enough to recognise genuine remorse and am not being fooled into a situation which will just re-manifest itself. I know this probably offends some people who are not willing to accept that change is possible but hey it is my life and my well informed decisions. I know I have avery good understanding of how our situation resulted in both of us making big mistakes.

Curvy Vixen

Well if it was domestic abuse then only you will know when it's time to leave. It's like telling someone it's time to lose weight or give up cigarettes ~ they will only do it when the time is right for them.

And if you are both working through it then maybe the issue won't arise again...

Redpunto

I imagine that they are just concerned for your safety and maybe she didnt put it accross as well as she should have. Get your mates around minus the kids and hubbie or go out for a meal with them and tell them what youre feeling and what you need from them without a confrontation.

They probably dont understand why you are willing to try so hard to save the relationship, especially due to your OHs violent nature (whether or not he is dealing with it). Give you mates a chance to be there for you as you will need them.

pretty-in-pink

I wouldn't take your friends reaction as a lack of respect tbh, you're her BF, she loves you and is concerned for you. She has seen what you have been through, and will be understandably protective. It can be frustrating for those close to someone in an abusive relationship to see them go back time after time, and sorry, no, I don't think a man who can hit a woman will ever change. Condoning violence towards women, or those weaker then you, is not someting that happens just once. I may be wrong, I don't know your relationship, but if were my friend, I'd be worried sick about you. This seems like your friends are 100% there for you, and while not exactly tactfully, they are acting out of love, Talk to them, sans alcohol, and see what happens

mollyoh

I totally understand how you feel. The way I look at it is your friends should be there to support you at all times even if they do sometimes think you are making the wrong decision... You confided in them most likely because you wanted to just talk to someone about your problems this is what most of us just want to do when we tell our friends something unless you specifically ask their opinion (Did YOU??). Your friends should be there to support you in your decision and help you as much as they can. By ranting and raving about their opinions does not help you and your situation and will just stop you confiding in them again in the future which is meither good for you or for them. They should respect that you are trying to make a go of your marriage and that there are children involved too and they should just be there on the sidelines supporting you and listening to you should you feel you need to discuss things with them. And I agree they should not be talking to you amongst themselves (although this might just be because they are all worried about you) and the certainly should not have told their husband YOUR business. I think you should sit them down and speak to them individually and tell them that you are glad they are worried about you but would be happy if they cpuld see your side of things and try support you in your decisions and that you would prefer if they did not discuss it amongst themselves or with their other halfs. You need friends to be there to support you at this time and by speaking like that they are not being supportive....

LegacyUser

mollyoh wrote: »

I totally understand how you feel. The way I look at it is your friends should be there to support you at all times even if they do sometimes think you are making the wrong decision... You confided in them most likely because you wanted to just talk to someone about your problems this is what most of us just want to do when we tell our friends something unless you specifically ask their opinion (Did YOU??). Your friends should be there to support you in your decision and help you as much as they can. By ranting and raving about their opinions does not help you and your situation and will just stop you confiding in them again in the future which is meither good for you or for them. They should respect that you are trying to make a go of your marriage and that there are children involved too and they should just be there on the sidelines supporting you and listening to you should you feel you need to discuss things with them. And I agree they should not be talking to you amongst themselves (although this might just be because they are all worried about you) and the certainly should not have told their husband YOUR business. I think you should sit them down and speak to them individually and tell them that you are glad they are worried about you but would be happy if they cpuld see your side of things and try support you in your decisions and that you would prefer if they did not discuss it amongst themselves or with their other halfs. You need friends to be there to support you at this time and by speaking like that they are not being supportive....

Thank you so much for that. I am going to speak with them individually and ask them to respect my wishes but to be there for me as a support. I do think that if I do not sort this now I will have lost a certain amount of trust and faith in them. I really need close friends now so if it it not sorted I would lose an awful lot in the long run. And no I never asked for anyones opinion as I never needed any other opinion outside of mine. I have always been very clear about how I feel and why I want my marriage to work.

mollyoh

You are the only one who knows what is best, not your friends. In the end it is your decision what you do with your life and they should support your decision and if (hopefully not) that decision is the wrong one they should be there to support you again and not to tell you they told you so. Trust your decisions because they are the only ones that matter and good luck:)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation to this last year.

I told my friends I appreciated their concern and support throughout it all but at the end of the day it was my decision. I told them they didn't have to agree with my decision, they just had to respect it. All very calmly.

They haven't spoken to me since.
I tried to mend bridges, but they ignored me.
I was very upset at the time, but now I am glad.
It did take time to heal but those friends weren't really friends.

Hope it works out you.

Grawns

Sorry OP but I'm going to have to side with your friend. She didn't say any of those things to hurt you she was just honest about how she feels. Most likely due to her frustration with your sticking with what sounds like a very disfunctional relationship. I imagine she's watched you flounder for years and thought you'd finally seen sense.

You can still be friends but I wouldn't mention her attitude cause it sounds just about right to me. ( I do have a beloved sister who is married to a prize pri*k though so I am biased)

How Strange

OP, I think this is the classic situation between girl friends.

I've got a friend who has a knack for making terrible choices in men. There is always a drama and a crisis; some worse that others. But being the friend who has to listen to what he did, what he said, how badly he treated her (in her opinion) and once or twice how things went too far I have to say there reaches a point when you feel like saying 'what the f*ck are you doing?' especially as she keeps going back for more so the same thing happens all over again.

I think this is a case of your friends who love you and worry about you, you've probably told them too much about your marital problems and now that you've patched it up they are probably left feeling abit annoyed that they listened to you, shared your distress and worry and then you just you carry on like it never happened.

Bottom line, speak to your friends without alcohol playing a part. Also next time you might want to think twice about discussing the nasty problems in your marriage with your friends. Having been the friend once too many times it's hard to remain impartial when you love your friend and worry about her.