have I lost a friend?

LegacyUser

My friend(not the best one but still we know each other for good 10 yrs now) was getting married this summer and invited me to her wedding. I couldn't go, it was much too expensive. I probably made a huge mistake of telling her I will come(not knowing how difficult it may be to keep the promise). Eventually I wrote her I won't be able to come to her wedding and clearly stated I can't afford it. I send her flowers on the day of wedding and intended to hand her her wedding present when we meet next month.
I haven't heard anything back from her since.
I'm well aware that wedding is (supposedly) once in a lifetime and it's one of most important events in your entire life but on the other hand I couldn't go bancrupt over it.
I hoped she as a friend would understand.
On one side I feel I've done nothing wrong, I told her the truth but on the other side I feel a little guilty because I feel I should have tried better to get to her wedding(although not sure how). Or maybe tell her a lie to justify my absence(but I don't want to lie to my friends).
Should I write to her again? Call her? Or do you feel it's a lost case?

ven0m

No, sorry - putting yourself into financial jeopardy for a wedding is retarded, & you were right not to go if it jeopardised you financially. The fact you were honest about it instead of just not turning up on the day should mean something.

If your friend cannot understand this, they are not your friend.

Redpunto

Have you rung her to see how the day went?

Zulu

Where was the wedding? The opposite side of the world?
Honesty isn't always the best policy.

You probably should have made a better excuse than "I can't afford it".

ven0m

Zulu wrote: »

You probably should have made a better excuse than "I can't afford it".

are you out of your mind with that statement? If someone cannot afford to do something, why should they be chastised or made to feel like crap for it? In case you haven't noticed the world has gone to **** financially, & it's getting harder & harder to get by for the average person.

Zulu

ven0m wrote: »

are you out of your mind with that statement?

No, just aware of other people, their sensitivities, and the knowledge that sometimes, in the real world, and in human relationships, lies are needed. Do you over react much?

If someone cannot afford to do something, why should they be chastised or made to feel like crap for it?

They shouldn't be, but then we can't control how others react, we can only control ourselves.

Can the OP please answer where the wedding is please? I don't mean to pester, but if the wedding was on the far side of the globe, it'd be very different than say if the wedding was in the local church.

Are we talking of going "bankrupt" because the OP needs a new dress to compete with her peers, and a professional makeup/hair yokey-ma-bob... etc.
...or going bankrupt because she was expected to shell out for a ticket to Australia?

If it was the later, her friend could be being very unreasonable (however, perhaps she's just too busy and/or in honeymoon to get in touch), where as if it's the former, perhaps she's right?

NextSteps

So call her and see how the day went. She was probably too busy before the wedding to be writing letters or emails. And maybe she feels you're the one who should call her.

LegacyUser

It wasn't half of the world but it was different country, other side of Europe.
If it was local church or even other side of Ireland - I would have been there even if I was to walk.
unfortunately tickets were very expensive, sth I should have expected but I don't travel that much to know that.
I didn't call. I expected she might be busy afterwards or go for her honeymoon. I also should probably call/email her earlier but I'm afraid I was putting it away, I admit it.

Loopy

I totally agree with you not going and you should not feel bad.

You need to take out a bloody bank loan these day to attend one. I was invited to one a couple of weeks ago and it cost me €1200 (Incl. present/hens party/hotel/drink and new frock:pac: - sure you have to!!/) Crazy money altogether for one day!!

And that was for an ex work colleague..

Zulu

looptheloop wrote: »

You need to take out a bloody bank loan these day to attend one. I was invited to one a couple of weeks ago and it cost me €1200 (Incl. present/hens party/hotel/drink and new frock:pac: - sure you have to!!/) Crazy money altogether for one day!!

But you don't need any of that other than the hotel.

IF they really are your friend - you don't need a dress, you don't need to drink, you don't need to attend the hen party. People put pressures on themselves.

asdasd

Why was it so expensive? If it was because it was on the other side of the world here is a ( i thought not so hidden ) truism.

People have weddings in far away places to ensure that less people come.

There I said it.

I doubt she is angry, just busy.

Duiske

Zulu wrote: »

But you don't need any of that other than the hotel.

IF they really are your friend - you don't need a dress, you don't need to drink, you don't need to attend the hen party. People put pressures on themselves.

And what might you suggest as an excuse for not going to the hen party ? More lies ?

Op, as you said in your first post, a "wedding is (supposedly) once in a lifetime and it's one of most important events in your entire life".
Perhaps in all the build-up to the wedding your friend just simply forgot to reply to your letter.

Pick up the phone and call her. At least then you will know if there is a problem.

Zulu

Duiske wrote: »

And what might you suggest as an excuse for not going to the hen party ? More lies ?

Well that or "I can't afford both hen and wedding, so I'll see you at the wedding".

People are generally cool about not being able to make the stag/hen as it's really just a piss up. I fail to see your problem here really.

Redpunto

I dont think you should have said you couldnt afford it, she doesnt want to know your excuse, its a case of simple manners just to say you couldnt make it.

Sugar Drunk

Ring her and see how she is? Shes probably been really busy and to be fair as you didn't go to the wedding it makes more sense for you to ring and see how it went that to wait for her to contact you.

If the wedding was far away and going to cost a lot than its fair enough not to go. Shes probably not annoyed, just busy and lwould appreciate a call.

If it was local ish then I could understand your mate being a bit peeved. Zulu is right I cannot understand people thinking they have to have a new dress/professional makeup/hair done just to go to a wedding! The only necessity is a hotel room if its not within driving diatance. I went to a friends wedding last year in a dress i bought for less than 20 euro the year before and did my own hair and make up. Friends will want you to be there they wont care what you wore.

Wagon

Zulu wrote: »

Well that or "I can't afford both hen and wedding, so I'll see you at the wedding".

People are generally cool about not being able to make the stag/hen as it's really just a piss up. I fail to see your problem here really.

She can't afford it. That's all there is to it. What the **** is wrong with you?! :mad: We don't all have a few grand locked away for attending a wedding on the other side of Europe! OP, don't listen to the ****e he's been posting, he hasn't a clue. Your mate of ten years should know that if she was going to have a wedding on the other side of the world then she'd have to resign to the fact that not everyone could make it, because of work or money or kids etc...

Zulu

Wagon wrote: »

She can't afford it. That's all there is to it. What the **** is wrong with you?! :mad: We don't all have a few grand locked away for attending a wedding on the other side of Europe! OP, don't listen to the ****e he's been posting, he hasn't a clue....

There is nothing wrong with me. Unfortunately, when people post unregistered, the posts don't necessary appear in order, and get slotted in afterwards, after being approved.

Clearly we didn't have the information that it wasn't in Ireland, but thanks for your level and patient response. :rolleyes:

OP, thanks for clearing that up - I wouldn't worry to much about it so. Drop her a mail/phone call before you build it up any more. When people travel for weddings they know others won't be able to make it.

Sugar Drunk

The wedding was in europe? then thats fair enough. Wagon, we did not have that information at first. Theres a big difference between travelling to europe or trvelling 20 miles up the road!
Im sure she will not be put out no doubt there will have been others who could not go either its common when weddings abroad. give her a shout to hear how it went

Loopy

Zulu wrote: »

But you don't need any of that other than the hotel.

IF they really are your friend - you don't need a dress, you don't need to drink, you don't need to attend the hen party. People put pressures on themselves.

Sorry but I aint going to a wedding and drinking water! Regarding the hens, there were very few going so I made the effort for her. It was my choice to go to the wedding and buy a dress and go the hens etc.. Not complaining about it just commenting on how expensive they can be.

Wagon

Zulu wrote: »

Clearly we didn't have the information that it wasn't in Ireland, but thanks for your level and patient response. :rolleyes:

Sorry dude. But i never like it when people look down on you cos you can't afford something. And anyway, I never give any kind of rational response. I have to swear at least once in every post

Zulu

looptheloop wrote: »

Sorry but I aint going to a wedding and drinking water! Regarding the hens, there were very few going so I made the effort for her. It was my choice to go to the wedding and buy a dress and go the hens etc.. Not complaining about it just commenting on how expensive they can be.

Of course they can be, but they don't have to be.
As for not going and drinking water - thats your call, but, personally, I'd expect more from a real friend of mine. Not to come because they couldn't afford the drink would be insulting to me. I'd expect them to come at least for an hour to have the craic.

Wagon wrote: »

Sorry dude. But i never like it when people look down on you cos you can't afford something.

Apology accepted, but I just want to stress, I wasn't looking down on anyone.

Loopy

Zulu wrote: »

Of course they can be, but they don't have to be.
As for not going and drinking water - thats your call, but, personally, I'd expect more from a real friend of mine. Not to come because they couldn't afford the drink would be insulting to me. I'd expect them to come at least for an hour to have the craic.

I agree which is why I went. But, Im certainly not going to drive 3 hours to have the craic for an hour. There is an element of expense involved - travel/present/hotel etc that is unavoidable. Ok its the persons choice whether they want to drink and stay over but imo it would be a damn boring day if you didn't.

Zulu

...well if they were your friend.

I drove 2 hours to go to my friends engagment party. Didn't drink. Stayed until 1am and drove 2 hours (...well a bit quicker ) back. Why? Because he was one of my best friends.

I'm not looking for a medal, but I do value good friendships as very valuable things. I consider myself very wealthy because of my friends. They're what's important to me.
But that's just me. (And I'm not directing that at the OP in anyway)

Loopy

Fair play to you Zulu.. I like to make the effort with friends also but that would not be my scene at all.

At this particular wedding a number of people did not go because of the expense and trying to get babysitters etc and the bride and groom understood and didn't pressure anyone at all. Ok people can go to the church and stay for the meal and drive home but for me the fun is having a few jars and staying the night. I'd feel like bloody cinderalla if I had to leave the party:)

LegacyUser

The OP shouldn't be expected to go 'bankrupt' over attending a wedding, I agree with most posters over that one.

However, if the bride is a good friend going back 10 years, it's safe to assume the OP knew the wedding was happening a year or so in advance?

I've declined wedding invitations in the past myself for various reasons, and they are an expensive business for guests.

But I can understand if the bride is upset at her good friend A) saying she'd attend writing to say she won't because she can't afford it. It's not like she sprung it on you suddenly.

Can you pick up the phone instead of writing/texting etc?