my girlfriend wants strange

LegacyUser

Hey, yeah so here's an embarrassing situation that im really stuck in

My girlfriend and i have been together for a few years, i had one sexual partner before her and i am the only guy she's ever had sex with. now she tells me she wants to have sex with another guy, sometime. she keeps implying its one of those "i wanna do it before i die" things but ive a feeling she'd like it to be sooner.

i feel like an idiot for even entertaining the idea, but love makes you do stupid things. she says that she wants to marry me and be with me and all the things that comes with that.

I'm pretty confused to be honest. I love this girl, but im pretty sure if she had sex with someone else just for the sake of it it'd screw up our relationship.

I can get why she wants to do it. but... i wanna tell her to F-off about it to be quite frank.
so yeah, im pretty stuck,
serious suggestions only please.

peace

Bottle_of_Smoke

It will screw things up. She's being completely out of order. Sounds like she's not content with you/ your relationship right now and is throwing in the "i want to marry you" bit to avoid coming across as a complete bitch,

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

brendansmith

There are somethings you dont say to your otherhalf.
This is most definitely one of them. Shame on her.

JonathanAnon

you gotta tell her that it's not gonna happen. You are going out with her. She is your girlfriend. If she is allowed to sleep with someone else, then you are not going out with her any more.

If she is allowed to sleep with someone else, you are allowed to sleep with someone else. If you let her sleep with someone else, you will just hate her for it and your relationship will probably break up anyway.

What age are you and her?


Honestly, and im not talking from personal experience or anything, so i really don't know how it would turn out or anything, but i can imagine that if you let her do it, it wont be long before everyone is doing her.

"Remember that time i was with that other guy? well i really want to do that again!!"


Then she goes out, rides a lot of guys, and you're there to listen to her complain and because she's got the ability to do it with whoever she wants, she'll suddenly "not be in the mood" of 'it' anymore.


Like i say, i could be totally wrong, but thats how i could see it working in my head, over time.



If it were me in that situation i'd just see it as a break up call. She is making it clear she wants to do other guys. She probably feels like she's missing/missed out.

Not letting her do it will result in a relationship going to the pits, and letting her do it will most likely have the same result, but over a longer period of time.



Maybe you could take a set amount of time to be on your own each? Arrange a date to break up and another date get back together? both go out, fulfill your little sex lives and then after a period of time you can get back together and no one feels like they've been cheated on or betrayed?


Probably not a very realistic idea, but at least im trying dammit!! :P

Cupcake_Crisis

call her bluff and say sure, but that u wanna sleep with another girl!! that will probably change her mind quite quick

Ruu_Old

Don't play any games. If she wants to be with you then she'll have to be satisfied with one partner. Stop it before it goes any further, tell her you will have none of it. Don't know what is going through her head at the moment.

MCMLXXXIII

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

call her bluff and say sure, but that u wanna sleep with another girl!! that will probably change her mind quite quick

...and if it doesn't change her mind then I think you have the answer you might (not) be looking for.

rotinaj

Just a suggestion. Not saying its the right thing to do , but maybe a short break could be the answer, say 2weeks. Both of ye can get up to whatever ye want and agree never to mention it again.

I know this isnt the perfect solution and it could well backfire but it may be somthing to cosider

edit Just noticed another reply suggesting the same sorry

Cupcake_Crisis

d3mon24 wrote: »

Just a suggestion. Not saying its the right thing to do , but maybe a short break could be the answer, say 2weeks. Both of ye can get up to whatever ye want and agree never to mention it again.

in my experience breaks like that generally lead to break ups, they just prolong the inevitable.

togster

Why is it so wrong? If you are in a loving relationship and it's ok with you then you should let her do it. If however you have the slightest hesitation then don't. Only you and her know the boundries of the relationship. Modern society will try and define that for you but in essesnce only you and her can do that.

Liam Byrne

togster wrote: »

Why is it so wrong? If you are in a loving relationship and it's ok with you then you should let her do it. If however you have the slightest hesitation then don't. Only you and her know the boundries of the relationship. Modern society will try and define that for you but in essesnce only you and her can do that.

Nice words, but instead of promoting how you'd like "modern society" to be, you might want to read the OP's post

I can get why she wants to do it. but... i wanna tell her to F-off about it to be quite frank.

And therein is your answer, OP. You didn't say that you feel a bit iffy about it, you said you wanted to tell her to f-off.

redfacedbear

I know a girl who is married to the only fella she has ever been with. Before she got married she had a 'wobble' like this. The realisation that she would go through life only ever having slept with one other person caused her some serious doubts.

I think your gf's doubts are understandable. Her solution would not be acceptable (to me). I would make clear to her that the choice is between a break up or accepting her lot.

Wagon

Break up with her now, If you say "yes", she'll ride this lad more than once (I can gaurentee that) but tell her "no" and you'd be a chauvinst pig not respecting her needs and desires. She's going to dump you anyway, she's only keeping you around as a security blanket. She's just being a tool and dragging it out over months.

cowzerp

tell her whats good for the goose is good for the gander!

if she wants to do it then tell her you want to try something that she is against, could be the end of the relationship but if you want to stay with her you need to do something, maybe try swinging! or reccomend it, then she will realise that your getting some too..might give her a reality check,

on a side note, try to be inventive in bed, do fantasys, dress up, meet in a bar and pretend to be strangers etc..maybe thats whats lacking..

nomorebadtown

End of the line kiddo. Your relationship has obviously run its course.

Look, its totally understandable that she wants to 'see the world'. It is also totally understandable that you should not have to put up with your girlfriend having sex with other men.

If you love someone you should set them on fire free and all that. Nobody in a 100% happy committed relationship says to their other half "Oh by the way, would you mind if I shared my body with someone else?"...its just not on....break it off now...your gf obviously doesn't have the balls to do it.

seahorse

cowzerp wrote: »

tell her whats good for the goose is good for the gander!

This is exactly what you should say; then sit back and see how long her experiemental mood lasts!

tantipie

i wouldnt even entertain the idea,,would she like it if you suggested it,,i have only ever slept with my husband and never thought about sleepin wit anyone else,,

MagicMarker

I understand where your girlfriend is coming from. But she's crossing the line asking if she can sleep with another guy.

She either has to suck it up, and be willing to make sacrifices to be with the one she (supposedly) loves, or she has to break up and go in whatever direction she chooses. There's no happy medium here.

maxwell smart

Problem is if she does "do" some other guy with your consent, what if he's better than you? Is this what she wants to find out? She wants to break up, she just doesn't have the balls to say it to you. No matter what you think of her, don't let her do it or she'll walkall over you for the rest of your life

Sephiroth_dude

She is completely out of order,if she really wants to have sex with someone else,then show her the door and she can have all the sex she wants with other men,you dont deserve to be treated like this,noone does.

nomorebadtown

yeah but someone is always gonna be better than you at the art of sex, mechanically speaking. They are gonna have more experience and better equipped and have better tricks up their sleeve and be more adventurous etc etc....the difference is, your gf supposedly loves you which means that, in theory, none of that matters. In practice, your gf appears to want to spread her ahem wings with other men...and, as i said above, for me this means that the writing is on the wall and your relationship is dead in the water.

LegacyUser

You are not comfortable with it.
And it seems your girl wants to have her cake and eat it.

So ... in 2 years time, married to her - you come back here lookin for
advice because you saw your wife 'kissing another man' or she got
'the meat injection' off another latchico.

People need to know how to behave themselves and show a little respect.

Sorry - my friend - but it's P45 time, I'm afraid.
Save yourself the grief.

Deadeyes

This must be something that has been eating away at your GF for some time. I can't imagine it was easy for her to bring this up. If you say yes your relationship will change forever and will quite possibly be doomed. Are you the jealous type? Will you be able to get past the idea of her having sex with other men? And what happens if you say no? She'll still have the same desire to see what she's been missing, maybe she'll chance it hoping you won't find out. The only solution I can see is that either she learns to get past the thoughts she has been having or the relationship is over.

Irishcrx

It is something that can harvest for a long time, you may never be able to forget it if she was to do it, it would be brought up in arguements all the time and you may find yourself thinking, will she do it again, was he better than me, am I not good enough.

If you love her and want to stay with her maybe something along the lines of a 4 some, swingers session might be open to you guys to both explore sexually.

Raekwon

Seems like she has been toying with this idea for awhile now and since it has come out she must be very serious about it. For example (a very loose example too) I'd love to have sex with two sexy blondes at the same time, who wouldn't! But I'd never mention it to my girlfriend unless I was actually intending to do it and had a few girls lined up who where up for it. Catch my drift? If I were you I'd walk away with my pride intact because if you don't then you are going to be for a world of emotional pain and heartache.

Fanny Cradock

So, basically, she is looking for your blessing to have an affair.

Wibbs

Fanny Cradock wrote: »

So, basically, she is looking for your blessing to have an affair.

That's certainly what it sounds like to me too tbh. You need to talk and listen to what she's saying about where she sees this relationship of yours going. From this evidence I would say not very far. That's not to say that there aren't "swinger" type couples who balance this, but they're usually together long term and ironically very secure in their relationships. Even those people can have problems.

Fanny Cradock

Yeah, whatever about 'swingers' (each to their own, I guess) the term do not appear to be appropriate here. Her request seems to be based on her selfish desire, and hers alone. In fact, I'd classifier her a 'caker' (has the cake and want to eat it) rather than a swinger.

Doodee

How would you have felt if the roles were reversed?


Simple thing is if you're not into it then tell her so.

Don't just appease her desires cause you don't want to appear the bad guy.

Tigger

this is what happened in my case i'll not state it as fact in your case but i reckon its a good pointer

she went from i'd like to (to which i said nope not ever)
to
i have something to tell you, (to whioch i just said right, bye then)

now i had put my foot down and outright said no but the fact was she wanted to experiment

she ended up marrying the guy she slept with and i ended up boning her when i felt like it till i got a real girlfriend

so what ever you do i feel that yours might sleep with someone so either its open realatioship time (don't do it if you have doubts) or demote her to f**K buddy and get on with your life

RoosterIllusion

Get rid of her, sounds like a tool.

nellie24

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too....

Listen I am in a simular situation, but I am the other person, I am in a relationship since I am really young, my only sexual partner, and tbh our relationship is bad at the moment, I to would love to have a break go off and be with other men, but my partner would not, and then after all that hope my partner still wants me if I want him...that is just selfish and I know it is....and I would not do it.. I am trying to figure out what I want now, and if I am feeling this way he cannot be who I want to stay with...

You will have to talk about this more with her, as you do not want it ending bad, and one of you end up cheating, that would be so hurtful..

But seriously just say sorry that is not acceptable, and if she wants to do it then you break up, and tell her that you probably wont get back with her if she does sleep with other men...so its her loss..

Seriously dont say yes to this, have some pride in yourself, there are many women out there for you and you only, I know you love her but it is not right... be strong..

hope it works out...:)

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your kind words, support and advice

I put my foot down. We've had problems in our relationship and i discussed it with a close mutual friend who my GF puts a lot of stock in. I'm not sure if its gonna go away but i'm gonna play it by ear.

I showed her this thread and i think she copped on a bit after that. Theres no way i'm gonna let this happen. In fact i should have mentioned this, my last relationship which was also a few years involved me being dumped (twice) so my then GF could bang other dudes. i didnt find this out till much later. my gf knows all this because i thought we had an open and honest relationship (not as open as she would seem to like).

I shouldnt joke.

Thank you again. Feel free to post further opinions perhaps on what i should do next move on fix things or whatever...

Last time, thank you

james123

give her the boot and find someone that actually cares about you

Curvy Vixen

james123 wrote: »

give her the boot and find someone that actually cares about you

James I think that's a bit unfair.

One of the things that everyone giving advice in PI seems to do is to advocate being open with your partner and that communication is the key.

This girl was brave enough to suggest something to her partner. He isn't comfortable with it and has said so and up to now as far as we know, she hasn't and may never act on it. I think that the fact that she talked about it and didn't just sneak off behind his back and do it shows some level of caring.

Who is to say what is right in other people's relationships? He may have jumped at the idea and asked to be included!

gubby

Oh for gods sake I dont know what it is with you people here. ye all sound like sex somehow lays your claim to a woman or man for that matter. sex act is called that for a reason. its an act. I think people should notice that sex and love are two diffirent things. sex is just an act as I said.. but love is the person you can count on, the person who holds your hair while you puke in the toilet. the person who sits in a dark room with you and stays with you when you feel like killing yourself because of your migrain. love is when you are out and about and see something your partner would love and you get it for her, even if its only a twix. love is a feeling. sex is an act. to the op I say if you have a problem with it. agree to finish with her for, say 3 months. and if ye both want to get back together again thats great but you need to agree not to dwell on what what she did while you were apart. I think this girl is being honest. I have often seen you people lamblasting girls and fellas here for cheating.. This girl thinks she is in such a secure relationship that she can tell her partner her deepest desires. would you prefer she keept these feelings to herself. grow up man. you dont own her.

jim o doom

Ruu wrote: »

Don't play any games. If she wants to be with you then she'll have to be satisfied with one partner. Stop it before it goes any further, tell her you will have none of it. Don't know what is going through her head at the moment.

100% agree with above post.. games could only exacerbate the problem. Tell her how you feel. Do you honestly think you could ever look her in the face again and feel the same way knowing she went off and did that? To be brutally honest I would be worried about whether or not she was going to do this with OR WITHOUT your knowledge anyway, seeing as she was ignorant enough to bring up such an amazingly insulting prospect in the first place.

jim o doom

gubby wrote: »

Oh for gods sake I dont know what it is with you people here. ye all sound like sex somehow lays your claim to a woman or man for that matter. sex act is called that for a reason. its an act. I think people should notice that sex and love are two diffirent things. sex is just an act as I said.. but love is the person you can count on, the person who holds your hair while you puke in the toilet. the person who sits in a dark room with you and stays with you when you feel like killing yourself because of your migrain. love is when you are out and about and see something your partner would love and you get it for her, even if its only a twix. love is a feeling. sex is an act. to the op I say if you have a problem with it. agree to finish with her for, say 3 months. and if ye both want to get back together again thats great but you need to agree not to dwell on what what she did while you were apart. I think this girl is being honest. I have often seen you people lamblasting girls and fellas here for cheating.. This girl thinks she is in such a secure relationship that she can tell her partner her deepest desires. would you prefer she keept these feelings to herself. grow up man. you dont own her.

A nice insulting response to a person requesting help. I love how you go on about love and sex as if they were totally seperate.
Love is just a load of chemicals, when people fall in love; "Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side-effects such as an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement".
These chemicals are released in mass amounts when a woman gives birth. It helps her to bond with the baby. These chemicals are also released during LOVE MAKING. Thats right, that's why people call "the act of sex" LOVE MAKING! They make love to each other because they are attracted to each other and love each other, and a side effect of that is chemicals that make us loving towards each other. To state that they are completely mutually exclusive has zero basis in fact or reality. Sure there are a lot of people who go around having meaningless sex, but for just as many people; they have meaningful loving sex.
To your other rude and WRONG point, just because you don't OWN someone, doesn't mean their actions won't hurt you. A person you love calls you a name that is hurtful.. "GET OVER IT MAN, YOU DON'T OWN HER". A person you love kills a random animal which you object to, you own neither the person nor the animal, but it's a hurful and wrong act to commit. In society in general we have relationships where we are faithful to each other, not due to religion, but because it hurts if your partner cheats on you with someone else, sure there is an element of "ownership" in it; but in a relationship ye "own each other" in a manner of speaking. That's why it's not a social norm for people in relationships to go riding whoever they feel like. Some people do, we tend to regard these people as scum, not worthy of our attention, and just because she broached the subject, does NOT make it acceptable.
From your post I can only imagine you have never been in anything other than a short term meaningless relationship.

gubby

jim o doom wrote: »

A nice insulting response to a person requesting help. I love how you go on about love and sex as if they were totally seperate.
Love is just a load of chemicals, when people fall in love; "Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side-effects such as an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement".
These chemicals are released in mass amounts when a woman gives birth. It helps her to bond with the baby. These chemicals are also released during LOVE MAKING. Thats right, that's why people call "the act of sex" LOVE MAKING! They make love to each other because they are attracted to each other and love each other, and a side effect of that is chemicals that make us loving towards each other. To state that they are completely mutually exclusive has zero basis in fact or reality. Sure there are a lot of people who go around having meaningless sex, but for just as many people; they have meaningful loving sex.
To your other rude and WRONG point, just because you don't OWN someone, doesn't mean their actions won't hurt you. A person you love calls you a name that is hurtful.. "GET OVER IT MAN, YOU DON'T OWN HER". A person you love kills a random animal which you object to, you own neither the person nor the animal, but it's a hurful and wrong act to commit. In society in general we have relationships where we are faithful to each other, not due to religion, but because it hurts if your partner cheats on you with someone else, sure there is an element of "ownership" in it; but in a relationship ye "own each other" in a manner of speaking. That's why it's not a social norm for people in relationships to go riding whoever they feel like. Some people do, we tend to regard these people as scum, not worthy of our attention, and just because she broached the subject, does NOT make it acceptable.
From your post I can only imagine you have never been in anything other than a short term meaningless relationship.

Well as a matter of no interest to you with your big words and technical names for stuff. I am happily married for over 35 yrs

dudara

Take it easy please posters

dudara

Marksie

OK lets just settle it down a bit.

Couples who choose to open the relationhsip, whether it be swinging, simply seeing others for sex or polyamoury, generally do so from a position of a strong relationhsip and a desire to explore or even ad an extra dimebnsion to their sex life (as opposed to their lovemaking).
This is no different from a guy wanting to open it out and the risks are the same.

In this case the OP is not happy with the whole idea, plus they have had difficulties, and that should in fact be that.

However, do not be too quick to castigate his other half..she has in fact been open enough to admit that she wants to do this..rather than have an affair.

Its time to sit down and find out why she wants to do this rather than knee jerk and dump.
Depending on the reasonings there are ways of enhancing and increasing what you have..but fuirst you need to fully ask WHY she wants to do this and most importantly she has to be honest with herself.
Those issues and your relationship problems do need to be placed in the whole picture before any decision as to whether yuo should split or follow another path to intimacy and enhancing your sex lives. That will take work on both your parts and should come from an area where you have explored the whys and wherefores and not because if you dont do it, you will be frightened she will walk.

peanuthead

Okay, if my OH even suggested that to me he would be out. And here's why.

I love him to bits and hope to marry him. When I think of sex between us (and Im sorry to go all emotional here) I think its amazing, because I feel so comfortable with him, and there is a serious connection there, not to mention a lot of love.

The sheer thought of him being in that position(excuse pun) with someone else, or worse still, him making someone else feel about him the way I do, is horrifying for me. Even if it is lust instead of love, its still a want for someone else.

And let me tell you, no offence, but she didnt mean it when she said she wanted to marry you, you want to marry someone when you decide you have found the person who completes you and stops you looking elsewhere for anything.

You have to finish it with her Im afraid. But you need to have the following outlook:

Staying with her is not protecting a genuine relationship that you have(because you dont have one of them) staying with her is preventing you from finding the genuine relationship that you deserve.

Good luck

zero19

Jaysus thats a good one! You'd be better off dumping her if that's her attitude to your relationship...

pretty-in-pink

OP, if you were both in an experimental mindset, then theres no big reason for it not to work. However you would need to be 100% secure in your relationship, have set ground rules for whats ok and what isn't, and you would need to trust eachother implicitly, whether or not you were with her and vice versa. The fact she wants this experience for just herself, and you don't want it at all would suggest that you do not have the mindset, or type of relationship that can sustain other people coming to your party...so to speak.

I can understand your gf's pov, and i think that its an issue you both should rationally discuss, theres more then 1 way to skin a cat- and maybe there is an alternative method you could do that would sattisfy her desire for sex with another man. It could just be the naughtiness, the expectation and curiousity- which you cvan replicate yourselves, or it could be a more basic cold feet thype thing- also solvable. The only way this is not a solvable issue is if her desire to be with another person, overrides her desire to be with you. I don't doubt that she loves you....or that you love her. I think you need to talk about this though.

out of interest, how old are ye, and how long are ye together?

mountainyman

My advice to you is that you should work on your physical fitness get into a position taht you will find it easy to have sex wth other people and then break up fro three months.

In those three months you can each sleep with as many people as you like but only once.

This is unlikley to save your relationship but frankly I understand your partner's perspective and this is the best compromise I can think of.
Do nothing she walks.