My boyfriend and hi

LegacyUser

Going out with my boyfriend "Danny" for around 2 years now since I've been in school. It's gone ok but Danny has some annoying habits and I'm reaching the end of my patience with him! Firstly he smokes copious amounts of weed even in my presence although he knows I have a problem with it he continues to do so and it is not making the relationship easier. He refuses to stop.

I don't think I can be a relationship with someone who continues to choose drugs over me but yet I don't ever give him that ultimatum perhaps I'm too nervous of the answer I might get.

The second is the fact that all his friends are female - he has a few guy friends but the rest or female and some of the girls are girls he had things for before. I know this is insecurity on my part but Danny always spends time with them and sometimes them over me once more.

I don't know what to do I think I love him but maybe there is something or someone else for me right now instead...it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship! Maybe the answer is obvious after writing this out

IRISH RAIL

nope not that obvious at all

I smoke twenty a day ( ciggies not weed ) and if a girl asked me to stop for her I would consider it. but drugs are different hes a stoner and is in a different state of conciousness all day ? we dont know does he treat you different when he smokes it ?
as for the girls how many of your friends are guys, how many have you looked at at first and said mmmm ?

i think the girl thing could be insecurity but in all honesty i dont know enough about the relationship to say he is disrespecting you. when you say them over you do you mean you had plans and he broke them off to be with the girls ?

Bottle_of_Smoke

You're not going to be able to change the having female friends, and will come across as an insecure lunatic if you try. I wouldn't worry though, usually when girls hang around guys on a day to day basis they have no interest other than a platonic one, even if there was former "things" or whatever.

As for the weed, you're unlikely to change that either. Most smokers tend to smoke less and less as they get older. If it's getting you down big time probably best to walk.

Feelgood

WorriedMarian18 wrote: »

I don't think I can be a relationship with someone who continues to choose drugs over me but yet I don't ever give him that ultimatum perhaps I'm too nervous of the answer I might get.

Firstly you have to understand that he isn't choosing drugs over you at all. Weed is just like any other drug that people get addicted to and form dependencies on and you need to understand that. A lot of people will tell you its a class B or C drug and does no harm and I used to believe that myself until I saw how my friends were when they didn't have any for a couple of days...

An ultimatum isn't going to do an awful lot in my opinion and to be honest I think Weed would win the ultimatum solely based on the fact that he is addicted to it. It's fairly handy to wrecked a stoner's head and that is probably what you would do if you start giving orders and ultimatums and you would probably be told to fook off.

If you want to help him, talk to his immediate family mother or father in confidence - obviously a family a member that doesn't smoke dope and tell them that you think he has an addiction. Mothers have wonderful ways of getting through to their kids and would probably be able to talk him round a lot quicker than you could..

Lastly, there shouldn't be a problem with a guy having female friends at all. Relationships are solely built on trust which you obviously haven't got. So if you can't trust him why be in the relationship in the first place?.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Feelgood wrote: »

If you want to help him, talk to his immediate family mother or father in confidence - obviously a family a member that doesn't smoke dope and tell them that you think he has an addiction. Mothers have wonderful ways of getting through to their kids and would probably be able to talk him round a lot quicker than you could..

Don't take that advice unless you want him to break up with you straight away and hate you, have a sniperhole in your reputation as a person with everyone you mutually know. That is seriously f*cked up advice

Feelgood

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Don't take that advice unless you want him to break up with you straight away and hate you, have a sniperhole in your reputation as a person with everyone you mutually know. That is seriously f*cked up advice

So whats your expert suggestion then?. He obviously isn't listening to her?.

By her username I take it that she is 18 which would lead me to believe that her BF is the same age so technically the guy is still a child probably living at home with his folks anyway.

What he needs is adult advice and guidance before he goes from weed to pills or coke. No matter what people say weed is a complete gateway drug, the people that tell you it isn't are the people who smoke it.

If shes worried about her BF's smoking, shes too young to offer him any help and definitely too young to have to worry about stuff like that which is why she needs an adult involved...

Nick_oliveri

Feelgood wrote: »

What he needs is adult advice and guidance before he goes from weed to pills or coke. No matter what people say weed is a complete gateway drug, the people that tell you it isn't are the people who smoke it.

So the only people who can dispute your opinion are non weed smokers?
:rolleyes:

Marian:Id also like to know if he treats you differently or how its affecting the relationship negatively other than it just "being illegal".

Feelgood wrote:

If you want to help him, talk to his immediate family mother or father in confidence - obviously a family a member that doesn't smoke dope and tell them that you think he has an addiction. Mothers have wonderful ways of getting through to their kids and would probably be able to talk him round a lot quicker than you could..

This is some bad advice. Addiction. OMG hes a weed junkie, rabid and..err...lazy.

Feelgood

Nick_oliveri wrote: »

OMG hes a weed junkie rabid and..err...lazy.

Exactly Nick....

junkie -

junkie
n 1: a narcotics addict [syn: drug addict, junkie, junky]
2: someone who is so ardently devoted to something that it
resembles an addiction; "a golf addict"; "a car nut"; "a
bodybuilding freak"; "a news junkie" [syn: addict, nut,
freak, junkie, junky]

Chinafoot

Feelgood wrote: »

By her username I take it that she is 18 which would lead me to believe that her BF is the same age so technically the guy is still a child probably living at home with his folks anyway.

Technically at 18 you are an adult and his parents would have very little hold over him. I agree with Bottle_of_Smoke, he will absolutely despise her for doing this.

Feelgood wrote: »

If shes worried about her BF's smoking, shes too young to offer him any help and definitely too young to have to worry about stuff like that which is why she needs an adult involved...

If she is 18 then you are right, she is too young to have to worry about stuff like this. But I totally disagree that she should get his parents involved. If it was at the point where parental intervention was needed I reckon the OP would have made that clear. She should give him the ultimatum and be prepared to have to walk away when he most likely chooses the smoke over her. Perhaps it could be the kick up the arse he needs. Then again, perhaps he doesn't have a major problem with weed and she just hates it. Maybe they're just different.

The issue you have with his friends definitely does sound like your own insecurites. Have these friends been around longer than you have? Has he actually bailed on plans with you to be with them, or are you expecting him to bail on plans he made with them to hang out with you? If he's blowing you off for them, then yeah you're probably right to be a bit annoyed. If you expect him to drop his mates ot be with you, you're out of order.

OP, talk to him again. Tell him that you don't think you can be with someone who smokes as much as he does. See what he says, but tbh you should probably be prepared to walk away. You both have very different lifestyle preferences (for want of a better phrase). If you've been with him since you were 16 and you're now 18, there's a good chance you've both changed and are different places.

Good luck.

Cupcake_Crisis

if she gets the guys parents involved it will totally work against her!
its basically like saying i cant handle this on my own so im gonna get ur mammy to do it for me.
VERY childish!!
id loose complete respect for someone if they did that!!

if he knows how much u hate him smoking weed, and he really loves u, he should stop, or at least cut down, especially around you. Make it blatantly obvious that u dont like it, maybe u dont like him when hes smoking, but dont try to stop him flat out. Try to weane him off it bit by bit. First by not smoking around you and .....yada yada yada

As for having female friends, ALL guys have female friends, and u'll never be able to stop that! Just tell him that all the time he spend with them sometimes makes u feel a little insecure and u need a little reassurance that he still loves you!

Feelgood

Chinafoot wrote: »

Technically at 18 you are an adult and his parents would have very little hold over him. I agree with Bottle_of_Smoke, he will absolutely despise her for doing this.

Yep your right, in the legal world he is an adult, but I know if my folks or an older brother or sister sat me down and told me that they were concerned that I was smoking weed and the possible dangers of it leading to other drugs etc, I would take that on-board a lot quicker than a girlfriend who he obviously doesn't listen to anyway.

Nick_oliveri

Feelgood wrote: »

Exactly Nick....

junkie -

junkie
n 1: a narcotics addict [syn: drug addict, junkie, junky]
2: someone who is so ardently devoted to something that it
resembles an addiction; "a golf addict"; "a car nut"; "a
bodybuilding freak"; "a news junkie" [syn: addict, nut,
freak, junkie, junky]

Exactly

1 a: in a manner or measure or to a degree or number that strictly conforms to a fact or condition <it's exactly 3 o'clock> <these two pieces are exactly the same in every respect : altogether , entirely <that was exactly the wrong thing to do: not exactly what I had in mind>
2: quite so —used to express agreement

Im supposing we could do this all day.

Tell you what im wondering there Feelgood.
How do you figure it as an addiction, when she has stated that it was part of his

annoying habits

And your suggesting telling her telling his parents he has an addiction and marketing weed as a gateway drug....BOTH baseless...

Feelgood wrote:

who he obviously doesn't listen to anyway

Nowhere has she stated this as a general rule. You are pulling conclusions out of somewhere and it isnt reality.

Chinafoot

Feelgood wrote: »

Yep your right, in the legal world he is an adult, but I know if my folks or an older brother or sister sat me down and told me that they were concerned that I was smoking weed and the possible dangers of it leading to other drugs etc, I would take that on-board a lot quicker than a girlfriend who he obviously doesn't listen to anyway.

I'm guessing you don't know many weed smoking 18 year olds. For all we know his parents are very strict and would completely freak out, or they could be very much aware of his smoking habits and not see a problem.

Look, at the end of the day we have no idea how much weed this guy is smoking. The OP says copious but she obviously hates him doing it so her definition of copious may not be all that much to someone else.

The amount he is smoking is irrelevant tbh. The issue here is that she hates him doing it and he enjoys it. They essentially enjoy different lifestyles and unless they can some sort of compromise on the issue this will most likely be a deal breaker.

Feelgood

Nick_oliveri wrote: »

Nowhere has she stated this as a general rule. You are pulling conclusions out of somewhere and it isnt reality.

Firstly he smokes copious amounts of weed even in my presence although he knows I have a problem with it he continues to do so and it is not making the relationship easier.

Might help if you read the thread Nick...

Chinafoot

Feelgood wrote: »

Might help if you read the thread Nick...

Hang on a second, he knows she doesn't like it....that means he should stop it completely? My boyfriend hates that I have a cigarette when I drink, should I quit completely because he doesn't like it and I enjoy it? Should he give up playing computer games for hours at a time because it bugs me?

If its that much of a problem for her then they shouldn't be together.

Nick_oliveri

Feelgood wrote: »

Might help if you read the thread Nick...

Feelgood wrote:

I would take that on-board a lot quicker than a girlfriend who he obviously doesn't listen to anyway.

I would just like you to clarify, are you saying he doesn't listen to her about the weed or are you saying he doesn't listen to her in general?? Because it reads like the latter.

Backtobed

I wouldn't be so concerned about him having female friends, even ex's. The truth is if you can't trust him to be faithful then the relationship is doomed anyway.

I've never had a girlfriend who ever smoked to excess but as a younger guy many of my friends were well into it but I don't smoke so unless I was drunk there were definitely times when they annoyed me with their bull****. Obviously I have no objections to people enjoying a spliff but I do appreciate how frustrating it can be to deal with someone who is constantly stoned. In my experience it's true the most people grow out of smoking so much weed. I'm 34 now and most of the lads only have the occasional toke.

It sounds like there's more to it than that and you might just be getting to the stage where the problems maintaining the relationship are just outweighing the benefits of staying with him. What was fine, even fun two years ago may not necessarily be that way now. And that's ok, people develop and mature in different ways and sometimes end up wanting different things out of life or from a partner. Maybe the relationship has just run it's course and it's time to move on. You need to ask yourself, is this what you really want in a boyfriend? If you are 18 as your moniker suggests then I assume that you're mature enough to realise that this guy probably isn't "the one". I reckon it's time for some soul searching. Don't short change yourself by settleing for second best. Just be honest with yourself about what you want out of a relationship and if this particular guy makes you happy or not. In your heart you'll know what the answers are and then you'll know what to do.

As for approaching anybody about his drug use. Unless you have serious concerns about his health or unless he's getting involved with obvious trouble makers then I wouldn't. Even then, obviously you should try and reason with him first. Maybe even recruit some of his friends to help you convince him to cut down or give up if you feel things are spiralling out of control. As I mentioned before, he'll probably grow out of it (eventually) and as drugs go weed is far from being the worst. I'd actually be more concerned if he was getting drunk seven days a week.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out. Best of luck.

Feelgood

Chinafoot wrote: »

Hang on a second, he knows she doesn't like it....that means he should stop it completely? My boyfriend hates that I have a cigarette when I drink, should I quit completely because he doesn't like it and I enjoy it? Should he give up playing computer games for hours at a time because it bugs me?

If its that much of a problem for her then they shouldn't be together.

Your missing my point completely Chinafoot....

Smoking weed isn't computer games and having the odd cigarette when your drinking is not going to affect you relationship is it?

Weed is a drug, not matter how you class it. It's illegal and is a narcotic. It changes moods, alters your brainwaves and how you think. I love everyone's relaxed attitude to it, but yes it is a gateway drug whether people believe it or not.

I'm not saying that everyone who smokes weed will turn into a drug addict, but if 1 out of 10 people who smoke weed go onto use heavier narcotics due to smoking that still makes it a gateway drug in my eyes.

The issue is not that she is asking him to give something up, the issue is that he is using drugs on a regular basis!.

Feelgood

Nick_oliveri wrote: »

I would just like you to clarify, are you saying he doesn't listen to her about the weed or are you saying he doesn't listen to her in general?? Because it reads like the latter.

Her first issue was:

Firstly he smokes copious amounts of weed even in my presence although he knows I have a problem with it he continues to do so and it is not making the relationship easier. He refuses to stop.

Right so obviously she has discussed this with him and he knows she has a problem with it. So she obviously isn't getting through to him i.e. hes not listening to her about the weed smoking - not in general.

MrVestek

Feelgood wrote: »

What he needs is adult advice and guidance before he goes from weed to pills or coke. No matter what people say weed is a complete gateway drug, the people that tell you it isn't are the people who smoke it.

That can be true in certain cases however I'm a weed smoker at times and I can tell you right now that I've never indulged in anything else as I know that it can lead down that road. 'Go on try some... it's deadly... it's deadly... you can have one... it's on me...'. Follow your own rules - don't break them and you'll be fine. I took one pill that was not perscription once and that was a Xanex to calm me down after a near panic attack. A mate of mine gave it to me and that's quite mild tbh. Haven't touched anything else... my point being there are exceptions to erroneous preconceptions that some people hold.

OP: Unfortunately coming from a person that knows alot of stoners and has gone in and out of 'stoner phases' I can tell you here and now that you giving him some kind of ultimatum about it he'll walk, the weed was probably there long before you were and he can't live without it now as it's how he copes. I go overboard too sometimes so I calm down on the green stuff for a while as unfortunately it can start to affect behaviour patterns somewhat (mildly but I have noticed the changes within myself too).
Telling his mother would be a terrible idea in my opinion. Whilst most mothers have their children's best intentions at heart she would probably freak to hear that he has a supposed 'drug problem'. He has a dependency on it... I wouldn't say it's a full blown addiction although after a week or two without it he will start to feel better again. Could be worse, he could be inhaling heroin in front of you and not giving a flying feck.

So what he has one, maybe two joints a day?

Irishcrx

At 18 he's doing what alot of 18 year olds do, hang with there buddies, dabble in some weed, drink etc. At 18 I was fairly heavy smoker and if my gf had of said choose weed or her I probably would have chosen the weed tbh because I wouldn't like be told what to do by my gf or have to change myself for her he will most likely see it that way aswell. You need to decide if you can accept him the way he is is or accept letting him go.

Although weed is not a psycical addiction it is psycological again i saw how powerfull it can be when I saw how myself and friends reacted when there was none around ie no body talking, temper tantrums, constant aggrovation this is what got me to seriously cut it out and it's what most people we see as they get older and it phases out.

Curlypinkie

Ok for starters. Smoking regular cigarettes and smoking weed = two different things IMO.
If I had told my BF I hate him smoking weed and I'm against drugs and he still would smoke in my presence, I'm sorry, but that would be it.
I'm very much against drugs in general. If someone wants to take drugs, they are grown up, let them do it. If friends do it in my presence, fine, it's their health.
If my BF, knowing my opinion on them, would still insist on doing it in my presence that would be the end of that relationship. After the very first time.
Hard? Perhaps, but I can't stand drugs. I really can't.

MrVestek

Curlypinkie wrote: »

Hard? Perhaps, but I can't stand drugs. I really can't.

Irregardless of your stance on drugs for the moment, what behavioural patterns did you notice change within him that caused such a problem with the fact that he likes to smoke weed? In this hypothetical situation of course. So if he didn't do it around you and you noticed no change in him then it wouldn't be a problem?

I can understand you not wanting him to do it if he was in the same room and you were second hand smoking the stuff too but again how would you see it as having changed or affected the person before they noticed it themselves?

Nick_oliveri

I agree with Achilles, if there are no negative behavioural changes in the hypothetical boyfriend, then there are no problems other than hes just taking drugs.

I wonder would you be so quick about it if he took to the jar a bit more often, sometimes legal things like alcohol and ciggarettes can become addictions that can hurt the taker or those around "him". But thats fairly obvious.

Like, we read about Reefer Madness everyday in the papers right?, along with that drunk driving and patients in the Oncology department.

Feelgood wrote:

So she obviously isn't getting through to him i.e. hes not listening to her about the weed smoking - not in general.

Sorry about that Feelgood, i read that wrong earlier. I did think that your "addiction" and "gateway drugs" were sweeping statements, so i overreacted on the other statement.

Cupcake_Crisis

i smoke weed, have done for years, i have never tried any other drugs, nor have i any intention to. And most of my friends are the very same, so dont put every one who enjoys a spliff every now and again in the same bracket

Bottle_of_Smoke

Feelgood wrote: »

So whats your expert suggestion then?. He obviously isn't listening to her?.

He'll have to do it by himself, perhaps breaking up with him as I suggested might send him a wake up call. I know nobody quits because of their parents advice. I have experience with weed, summed up here. I know if someone went to my parents it would have really upset them and me. I wouldn't have stopped smoking, just felt miserable. My mum knew I smoked after finding the occasional bag and regularly asked me to stop/insisted I read health scares, however I never did until my circumstances changed.

By her username I take it that she is 18 which would lead me to believe that her BF is the same age so technically the guy is still a child probably living at home with his folks anyway.

Why does it lead you to believe they're the same age? Most girls go out with older guys. If he is 18 he may be a child but he's technically an adult.

What he needs is adult advice and guidance before he goes from weed to pills or coke. No matter what people say weed is a complete gateway drug, the people that tell you it isn't are the people who smoke it.

No offence but your posts read like an anti-drugs pamphlet born again christians hand out on the street. It's debatable whether hash is a gateway drug. I'm not sure myself but I do know plenty of people who've smoked weed and never taken anything stronger(mainly guys) and I know people who've done coke without ever smoking(all women). If this guy stops smoking weed there's no reason to believe he won't try other drugs. If you ask me pills are less harmful than weed anyway. British scientists agree.

If shes worried about her BF's smoking, shes too young to offer him any help and definitely too young to have to worry about stuff like that which is why she needs an adult involved...

Whether this is true or not you're offering a ridiculous solution which is guaranteed to cause heartache. Telling his parents could really mess them up when this is more than likely a phase he'll grow out of. If he is living at home(WHICH HE MORE THAN LIKELY ISN'T CONSIDERING HE SMOKES COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF WEED) its the type of thing that might make him consider that option, which could lead to droppping out of college etc.

Yep your right, in the legal world he is an adult, but I know if my folks or an older brother or sister sat me down and told me that they were concerned that I was smoking weed and the possible dangers of it leading to other drugs etc, I would take that on-board a lot quicker than a girlfriend who he obviously doesn't listen to anyway.

Then it's fairly ovious you've never been a weed smoker.

metalfest

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

i smoke weed, have done for years, i have never tried any other drugs, nor have i any intention to. And most of my friends are the very same, so dont put every one who enjoys a spliff every now and again in the same bracket

she said he smokes a lot of it

it's not that addictive , so get that out of your heads.

Chucky the tree

Going to his parents in the worst idea I have ever read in m life.

Also, lol @ the high a mighty weed smokers who would never do anything else. :rolleyes:

Nick_oliveri

Saying that weed is a gateway drug is about as meaningful as saying that alcohol is, both being recreational. Ive done a lot of ****e excluding heron.

I would have done them anyways, people grow up, experiment sexually, chemically and politically.

solace

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Going to his parents in the worst idea I have ever read in m life.

Exactly. I can't speak for your boyfriend but I'd certainly feel betrayed.

RossFixxxed

On the girls issue: it's natural to be a bit paranoid, but very unlikely anything is going on.

On the smoking: I've done many times in the past due to sever pain from surgery, it really isn't that recreational for me, but when I run out I really do notice it not being there and that's not good. Am VERY stressed and sore today for example. HOWEVER, her issue is that she doesn't like it and he isn't willing to bend on it... Have you suggested a compromise as in not being baked around you or something similar. How much does it affect your relationship?

McGinty

Hi Op

I would suggest you remove your focus away from 'Danny' and ask yourself what would you like in a relationship.

Do you want to be with a person who smokes weed constantly? If no, then dump him. If you can accept it because he has other wonderful qualities then you have to accept it. You are wasting your time asking him to change, unfortunately, you have to either change the circumstances (dump him) or change your perspective.

The same with his female friends - Do you want a boyfriend who has a lot of female friends or can you come to terms with it?

Ask yourself what type of relationship you would like, not on what he gives you? Sounds easy, it is and it is not. It takes some mental working out of what you want but you will like yourself better when you are being true to yourself, rather than trying to make yourself into what the other person wants (and in Danny's case it is to continue smoking weed and for you to be quiet about it)