Stupid mistake

LegacyUser

Basically about 2 and a half years ago I was involved with someone from work who was your textbook Mr. Unavailable. I was genuinely infatuated with him, he led me to believe I was so special, the usual crap. The minutiae aren't important really, but I allowed myself to be completely messed around and, having suffered with low self esteem and self image in the past, I definitely allowed what I thought about myself to be bound up in what this person thought of me, if that makes any sense. He got back with his ex from before me, but still led me to think I meant a lot to him, kept flirtily texting me, and I still kept going back (although nothing more physical was happening).

So I ended up hooking up with someone else I worked with, a friend of aforementioned guy, someone I had actually liked for a long time preceding the other stuff. Two years on and we're still together. Our relationship has been a bit of a slow burner, as when we'd originally started seeing each other I still had strong enough feelings for the other guy.

But naturally these have faded, and emotionally I'm in a much better place and know I was lucky as f@*k to have dodged that bullet. I'm in love for the first time ever, and in the truest sense of the word, because I've never been so happy (yuck, I know) and just comfortable with him.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned, my boyfriend and this guy are still mates, and I'm still friendly with him and he has continued to text me right up through the time I've been with him (my boyfriend's aware of my past with this guy and that we still text each other sporadically).

About 5 months ago now, myself and my boyfriend were out for drinks with the guy and a few others, and me and your man ended up on the bus home together. As bad as it sounds, I'd had a few drinks and we ended up kissing and a tiny bit more (but no further) and I felt like the worst person in the entire world the next day. Told a close mate and my mam who both gave out stink to me but said there was no point in telling my boyfriend if it meant nothing.

I've thought about it a LOT, and I know my reasons for allowing this to happen (residual low self esteem; hang ups from before and the weird hold I was allowing this a@*ehole to have over me), not that it excuses it in any way, but I also don't think it has any bearing on my relationship with my boyfriend due to the fact that I have no romantic feelings towards the other person anymore, so it's my own s@*&e really. It was a stupid moment of weakness and I felt sick immediately after.

Your man has continued to text me and I'm polite back, because I'm afraid if I cut all ties (and I've tried it before) he'll cut his losses and tell my boyfriend (he has a history of being callous, which is why I try to keep on his good side).

I suppose I'm just looking for a bit of feedback. I think I may know the reaction of most guys to this, but I'm wondering, is there any point in telling my boyfriend? It's gone so far and nothing has been said by your man, even if it is a continuous worry to me. Should I just continue to be nice and polite as though there's nothing wrong? I don't want to lose my boyfriend at ALL, certainly not over this a@*ehole. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Apologies for the length of the post, and if I come off as a stupid moron who has the answer staring her in the face already.

IRISH RAIL

but I also don't think it has any bearing on my relationship with my boyfriend due to the fact that I have no romantic feelings towards the other person anymore

so if your boyfriend had done this to a girl he had no romantic feelings for would that make it ok ??
imo you are treating your bf with utter contempt and using excuses not to cut ties with the other guy.

residual low self esteem; hang ups from before and the weird hold I was allowing this a@*ehole to have over me

its been two years after how could this guy have a hold over you? and does your new guy not show you attention you say your in love with him to me reading your post its a contradiction.

tell your boyfriend he will be delighted to know what his girlfriend and his friend are like, its the least you could do if you say you love him. if the relationship is good it will survive, at least it would come from you and not someone else do the decent thing fess up and hope for the best.

LegacyUser

Well, I'd like to think my relationship with my boyfriend is stronger than to cut him loose because of a lapse in judgement he'd made just once. I'd have no qualms about cutting all ties with the other guy if it weren't for the worry of him saying something. But as I've no wish to speak to him, I know I can avoid replying to texts, it's not like I ever have to meet up with him or anything.

As has been acknowledged on this board, your feelings about things and other people don't shrivel up and die when you start going out with someone else. The other guy no longer has a hold over me, because I really think my own actions gave me a short, sharp shock as to what I could be f@*king up with my boyfriend, but I accept it comes off as contradictory.

Thanks for the feedback.

neuro-praxis

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to lose my boyfriend at ALL, certainly not over this a@*ehole.

If you lose your boyfriend, it won't be because of the a@*ehole: it will be because of you.

You are making excuses for your behaviour.

I won't tell you what to do, there will be loads of people here to do that. But I will tell you what I would do. I would tell my partner and accept the consequences, because you have to be able to live with yourself before you can live with anyone else.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

I'd had a few drinks and we ended up kissing and a tiny bit more (but no further)

What exactly does that mean?

You're kidding yourself if you think a kiss with someone you used to be infatuated with means nothing, of course it means something!!!

Personally, in your shoes, i would do the right thing and let your boyfriend know what kind of girlfriend and friend he has.

PixelTrawler

If you have any respect left for your bf, you have to talk to him...

Its a mess, it seems pretty obvious you have feelings for this other guy and you have given him something to hold over you now - he can tell the bf any time and twist it anyway it wants - he wont make himself look bad...

If my gf did this, she'd be gone and the "friend" would be gone too... cheating with a friend, regardless of histroy is just unforgivable

It will destroy him to find out, but frankly he deserves better... unless he forgives... can't see it myself... betrayed to a friend and betrayal by a friend ... that will hurt him more then the fact you cheated...

Still he needs to be told...

bennyblanco

Sorry but you keep texting this guy back to be "polite"?
Is this a JOKE?
I think you should be more honest with yourself and certainly with your boyfriend,it really doesn't sound like you love him to me-
"in the truest sense of the word"??????
That doesnt wash for me,if that was the case you wouldn't be wearing the face off getting the paw dropped on you by Mr.Textbook ****head on the bus home,ffs
Imagine how your "love" would he'd feel if he knew ?
In all honesty I think your behaviour is ridiculously selfish.
You should get out of the relationship your in,you clearly don't love the guy,it would be better for both of you.
That's my feedback

james123

I cant believe your still texting him after 2 years i would be fuming with that alone its like an invitation!!
the bottom line is you cheated on a guy that you are meant to love with a guy that seems like a scumbag
tell him if your anyway decent at all he deserves to know

[Jackass]

While you'll probably get enough hassle about being silly in so many ways (texting, cheating etc.) I'd just like to point out that this other guy is a complete piece of sh*t. That is all.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Would tell him, if the guy is as callous as you say how do you know he might not bring it up if him and your b/friend ever have some sort of argument/falling out? Then he has to think about all the times he sat with you and the guy after you'd kissed and whatever else you meant by that vague comment.

For what it's worth I don't think you're still infatuated with mr-unavailable. I think you're probably sexually attracted to him but that's about it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

[Jackass] wrote: »

While you'll probably get enough hassle about being silly in so many ways (texting, cheating etc.) I'd just like to point out that this other guy is a complete piece of sh*t. That is all.

Completely agree, it doesn't bother me about knowing she had a boyfriend, but this guy was actually mates with the OP's boyfriend. Another reason the OP should come clean about the bus incident

Wibbs

This is a bloody difficult one. The bus incident you can explain it as whatever emotions you were feeling at the time, with a side order of drink. Now when I say explain it, there seems to be something else going on IMHO. You sound like you still have some sort of unresolved feelings about this guy. Now you may feel like you don't fancy him or whatever and that's probably true, but I would examine where your current relationship is going.

"Morality" aside for a second, yes you say you're in love with the new guy and that's cool, but I'm getting the notion(wrongly or not) that the slow burn aspect of your current relationship, while "comfortable" is missing something. Hard to define, but you know what I mean. The continued txting and contact with ex boy is fulfilling some need in you. Now it could simply be as you say, you're trying to keep him sweet so he doesn't land you in it with current guy, but as I say I'm getting the vibe that there's something more to it.

Maybe current guy was initially an escape from bad boy ex. The slow burning part, while still having the romantic feelings for the ex kinda sounds like that. That happens. It's like you're on a burning sinking ship and you jump into a liferaft. You feel relief and while not the same as the ship, at least it's not sinking and you can get into comfort mode pretty quick. The problem with that is it's still a lifeboat. I think many people have these escape/transitional/rebound relationships and they can teach us a lot abot what we may want, but they do tend to be transitional. If this does have any basis in your reality, then I would beleive you when you say you don't feel much for ex guy, more for what he represents. You feel love for the current guy, but is it the kinda love you need to grow, or is it more a feeling of relief love, if you know what I mean.

Now I'm just shooting the breeze here and I'm probably waaaay off, but that's my 2 cents.

What to do? I would slowly ease off contact wth ex guy. Keep it short and to the point. Be friendly and all that, but try to imagine him as a guy you know through mates. That's the overall vibe you should go for. Current guy? Examine your feelings for him. Ask yourself questions of yourself and the relationship. I wouldn't tell him myself. I would treat the mistake as just that, but through that mistake you may learn more about your current situation and improve your current relationship, or find that it doesn't fulfill you in the way you need.

I wish you luck anyway.

seahorse

I think in all honesty you ought to tell your bf what happened, for two reasons: Firstly, after an incident like this, he has the right to decide if he wants to continue with this relationship or not. Secondly, it is the only way to safeguard your relationship now (that is if you care about it, and I'm not reading anything here to suggest that you do; but if you do, you ought to think about how he's likely to react when he hears the news at a later stage and from somebody else - and if you have any love or respect for him you will not put him in the positon where that is possible)

If I were in that situation and the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be even angrier about having been kept in the dark than I would be about the kiss. It'd be the lies and the being made a fool of after the fact that'd have me heading for the door.

After an incident like that the one way a man could absolutely ensure to end the relationship would be to keep his mouth shut, because the truth always outs in the end, and when it did I would be so insulted by having been kept in the dark I'd feel I had no choice but to leave. So yeah, if you have any desire to keep this relationship the only thing to do is to come clean, sincerely apologise and hope for the best.

Fatloss08

ur living a lie

plain and simple

what you have with ur boyfriend is a sham

till you own up to him and lay it all out on the table

then ur free of this other muppet and you can start afresh

u must not be as happy as you say to even kiss the other guy drink or no drink

LegacyUser

hiya

I can identify with u on so many different levels (the whole self esteem probs, a fella having a hold over you, polite texting) except im 3yrs on & to be honest he still has the hold over me!

i tink you should tell ur bf though. At least that way, uve been completely honest & if you do lose him, at least you know you wer always honest.