I can't shake off my mothers influence

LegacyUser

All my life Ive been under my mother's thumb. She was a very nervous subdued kind of woman afraid of everything, dogs cats animals people God everything. She has a heart of gold, but she mollycoddled me and brought me up to be fearful of everything in the world, to respect everything, and to be totally submissive to everyone around me. My father was a quiet man who kept to himself, liked a pint, and generally didnt socialise well with other people. He was a very good man, but he didnt give much guidance.

The result of all this is that i grew up afraid of other people, a complete outcast in school, a loner, and inclined to be bullied, which only made things worse. I hated school, and when i went home, i spent the whole evening under my mothers feet, with her fussing around me. I had an overwhelming case of 'can't do' drummed into me, you cant do this you cant do that you'll never be able to be x or y you'll never dirty your hands you'll never leave home, and i think my mother would have loved me to be a priest.

When i left school i still had this sense that most things in life id never be able to do, that my life options were limited, that only other people went abroad had good jobs made money and did important things. I had no confidence in myself at all, and it affected everything i did, jobs relationships friends everything.

Now ive moved on and in the last couple of years ive realised what i missed out on. Ive started to get much more confidence, and i realise i can do anything i want with my life if i want it bad enough. Ive thrown away all the prejudices and fears i had before and see things differently now. I did move out years ago, and i must be the only son whos mother badly didnt want them to go.

Ive made terrible mistakes in my life, and feel that ive wasted years of my life with nothing to show. My dad passed away and now my mother is a widow. She lives alone, she still fears all the same things but now she sits at home all day wishing and waiting for me to come and visit or take her out. I now have an opportunity to get out in the world and do things, and im terribly afraid of all the time ive wasted and opportunities lost.

My mother has a heart of gold and would give her last breath for you. She gave me respect for everything but unfortunately she also gave me fear of everything, which at long last i am over. A small part of me resents the upbringing that made me afraid of everything and meant i wasted my school years to fear and not fitting in or being able to socialise. Now i feel that if i get married or get a good job that involves moving further away, i will break my mothers heart. She is so needy, and i love her, but she is like a concrete brick round my neck always hanging out of me for everything. She cannot exist without me around. Its far deeper than just having a few neighbours around. I have a fear that if i am tied to her for the next ten or fifteen years as she declines, that my own life will be on hold, and ill wake up one morning and be 50 and have missed out on my own life.

I dont know why im posting this. I suppose im wondering where the balance between being a new person, being my own person, and the past still clinging to me in the form of my mother is. The truth is i get depressed. I get depressed at all the wasted years i wont get back, and i worry about what will happen my mother. I suppose i feel for her, living with fear of the world all her life. And i fear the future, because i have fought my fears, but they are sometimes there, the old lack of confidence still surfaces sometimes. I dont think itll ever be completely gone.

I just want to make something of my life. Im tired of the past clouding me, of my mother clinging to me so much, but i cannot break her heart either. She gave me her whole life.

LegacyUser

I think that at this point you have to distance yourself slightly from your mother, and try to break away mentally to an extent. It sounds like you are overly dependent on one another and are feeding off each other's anxiety. You have to remember that it is your life to lead, not hers. You are her son but you are not her property. It's great that you've gained more confidence and recognised your potential but - and I think you know this - if you don't make that break, you will forever remain tied to her apron strings to some degree. You will never really be all that you can be.

Although it's hard, every parent has to let go of their child at some point - and children have to let go of their parents too.

LegacyUser

Sounds just like my mother. Few friends and living through her kids.

I was left with a complete lack of confidence in my abilities and still (in my 30s) am. Jobs went by... girls went by.... opportunities floated by... they were for other people. Not me.

You have to live your own life and she has to find a life to live - whether that's getting out into the world that scares her or making friends .

Remember this though: she was probably raised to be fearful - she learned it from her folks. Her own lack of confidence has kept her living in a very limited circle of comfort and outside of that, she is scared of what she doesn't know..... suppose I'm describing my mother there.

Everything was looked through fear coloured glasses ("you're going travelling? you could get murdered!") and a negative attitude. Very oppressive way to be reared.

You can never regain the years you lost but you have the chance to make the most of all the years you have now. You seem to be in good position now and a lot stronger than you were.

She chose to "give you her whole life" - that was her decision.

Don't cut her out but do the things you want to do. She will survive.

Dizzyblonde

First of all, congratulations on overcoming all that negative conditioning!
Secondly, no matter how needy and dependent your mother is, you have to go out and live your own life. In doing so you might just make her live a little bit too - she might join a group or ladies' club and make friends of her own. She certainly won't do it if you're pandering to her every need.
Yes she's your mother and raised you, nurtured you and looked after you, but you're not obliged to pay back with your freedom and independence. Work out what times you will be available for her, but live your own life too! It's time for some tough love or she'll just sit there waiting for you all the time and that's just not fair.
Are there any family members who can lend a hand and drop in? I presume you're an only child. If your mother is in good health you could suggest she does some form of voluntry work, that way she's have an interest of her own.
I have grown up children and I'd hate to think they'd be responsible for me to this extent - it's not right.
Don't fret over the wasted years, it will get you nowhere. Look forward to what's to come and make the most of every minute
Good luck.

RoosterIllusion

I think that the majority of people are entitled to, at some point, be angry with their parents over the way they raised them.

I, for one, had a very emotionally in tune mother who was a terrible provider but a brilliant parent. On the other hand my father is a great provider but a terrible parent.

You need to move on from it, though I understand how these things can affect you to such an extent.

Regards parents who "give up their life" to raise their child: Fúck that! If either of my parents had ever said that to me I would tell them to lay off the guilt trip.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I really sympathise with your situation. My mother also "gave up her life for me" and found my growing up and moving out very difficult, which made me feel I had to hide my excitement out of guilt.

While she herself never explicitly said anything, my gran used to get very angry with me for ever mentioning going to uni in england (I didn't in the end), for example, and she on many ocassions has told me that I'm all my mother has, that she has done everything for me, and for me to move away would be to throw it all back at her. She constantly used to tell me how selfish I was for being ambitious, which required me going away to do the course I wanted.

Even all through college I went home every weekend, which limited my ability to make friends as I was never around on nights out, because it was expected of me and she would have taken it personally if I didn't. I had to tell her one day that I couldn't keep phoning her everyday and nearly had a panic attack doing so as she sounded so hurt and I felt so guilty!

The guilt that my awareness of how much she relies on me caused really held me back for many years and, to make things worse, its not something that any of my friends understand and I think they find it a bit amusing. I worried loads about having to tell her that I was going on a month-long holiday last year, for example and avoided doing so until practically the week before as I knew she wouldn't be happy about it. I know its ridiculous- im 25 ffs!

What really helped me was going to a college counsellor and telling her everything. Just talking about it without fear of embarassment to someone who wasn't going to tell me to grow up was so freeing. Being able to express all the resentment and anger I felt, and having the counsellors sympathy and understanding was great. I used to feel so much lighter after the sessions even though I hadn't made any changes yet. Because of this, I managed last year to have a conversation with my mother in which I explained how responsible I felt for her happiness. In fairness, she was horrified that that was how I felt, and said that me being happy and successful was all that she wanted.

Even though old habits die hard and she still is very bad at hiding her disappointment if I don't come home often enough, or can't stay as long as she would like, I feel much less guilty now- its like I've been given permission to live my own life!

It might seem a stupid problem to most people but the guilt is crippling. You really should talk to someone about how you feel before your resentment at wasting your life grows anymore.