need advise

nellie24

Hi,

I am just looking for advise...please please be genuine and not judge, and offer some constructive advise.

I am with a guy years, and we have a child and live together. I have been very unhappy for several years, but have remained with him out of habit, love I really do not know.
Last year I met a guy who initially I didnt think anything of, we work together, so we were out a lot together, and we always ended up chatting, and I started to like him a lot, he too is in a long term difficuly relationship. Lately I find myself thinking about him all the time, to the point where it is really wrecking my head, I find myself fantasising about him as well. Let me just say I have not been with this guy, and I have always been faithful, and I always want to be. But I am getting so down over this. I do not know if I like this other person because I am unhappy with my partner, logically I think yes, but I feel it is more. And I do not know if I could be with this other person even if I was single.

To me it just seems very complicated, so I am hoping and outsider can put some perspective on it...

Just another thing this guy does not know I like him, and I do not know if he even likes me.

Sorry for the rant....le me know your thoughts....

codeblack

Difficult situation.. I know you two have a child together, but life is really too short to be with someone you don't love. If you really feel this strongly about someone else then i think you owe it to yourself to really think if you want to stay in the relationship you're in.

nellie24

thx, yea I know what you mean....

I just do not wanta hurt anyone...

I would love to hear some more opinions on this.

jos28

Sounds like you are stuck in a rut. I think you should tell your boyfriend how unhappy you are. You might be surprised at his response, he could be just as miserable. Sit down and have a heart to heart, find out what feelings are left between you. You must have had strong feelings for each other at one stage. Its amazing how differently things look once you are honest with each other. You might decide that it is worth putting a bit of effort into your relationship. Get dressed up, go out together, try and get away for a weekend. You might also decide that you have both had enough. Either way you will know where you stand. Just remember that far away fields always seem greener.
Best of luck

Amazotheamazing

When you're in a bad relationship, it's always easy to imagine someone else as your perfect partner. You're not judging either of the men clearly, because one person you're probably starting to resent and the other you're ignoring their faults, imo.

Were I you, I'd forget about the new guy until you know what you want from the first guy, even if all you want is to be rid of him. If you're unhappy, and the first can't make you happy, is it worth staying with him?

nellie24

Hiya,

thx for the advise, I actually have tried all this, I had the TALK many many times... and we both tried making an extra effort. We are with each other nearly 10 years, so we have done this many times. I am still in my twenties and he is older. I just dont want this to go into my 30's with the same issues...He was my first everything, and with my through so much, I just really do not wanta hurt him...and I know you are right about the grass being always greener. I just cant help how I feel about this other person..

I just do not know how to make this better for everyone...:(

jos28 wrote: »

Sounds like you are stuck in a rut. I think you should tell your boyfriend how unhappy you are. You might be surprised at his response, he could be just as miserable. Sit down and have a heart to heart, find out what feelings are left between you. You must have had strong feelings for each other at one stage. Its amazing how differently things look once you are honest with each other. You might decide that it is worth putting a bit of effort into your relationship. Get dressed up, go out together, try and get away for a weekend. You might also decide that you have both had enough. Either way you will know where you stand. Just remember that far away fields always seem greener.
Best of luck

AngryBadger

I think OP that regardless of how this other guy may or may not feel, you're feelings are possible being driven more by your unhappiness in your current relationship than anything else. You're spending a lot of time with this other guy in work, so naturally you're going to grow closer because of that, which is fine and there's nothing at all wrong with that.

But you're so miserable in your current relationship that you're hyper-sensitised to contact with other guys, in this instance with this particular guy you work with. From what you're saying I think, and I don't mean to be harsh, it sounds like you're so miserable that any guy that was nice to you might pique your interest.

If you've had the talk with your partner several times already then maybe it's time the two of you went your seperate ways. After 10 years you already know these feelings are only going to get worse. You don't want to hurt anyone, and that's understandable, but you're huting yourself right now, and in time you're not going to be able to contain this. It will start to spillover into other parts of your life and maye lead to other difficulty and pain for people you care about.

It would be better if, having tried to make things work, you went your seperate ways now, you're enetitled to look for happiness, and so is he. if after that you still feel something for this guy in work then you'd be free to pursue him, or any other guy you wanted.

nellie24

thx you do make so much sense, and the thing is I know all this, its still is hard...I know what you are saying about the other guy...
I do not want to sound big headed or anything, but I do go out a lot, and I do get a lot of offers, so I do not think this is the issue, that anyone would do. When we had out talks about the relationship, my partner always throws this in my face, that I always get chatted up, and I will easily find someone. It is at the stage he makes me feel guilty about almost everything in my life, I have lots of friends, I am also involved in music. he is always given out ot me for something so stupid, and claiming I do not wanta be around him, which is pushing me more and more away. Every now and again I think I deserve to be happy, I had some bad past years with family deaths and drama, and now things are better, but not in my relationship, and I just cannot break away..mainly because he is my friend, and my daughter and me live in his house, so I wanta try keep my family together...

AngryBadger wrote: »

I think OP that regardless of how this other guy may or may not feel, you're feelings are possible being driven more by your unhappiness in your current relationship than anything else. You're spending a lot of time with this other guy in work, so naturally you're going to grow closer because of that, which is fine and there's nothing at all wrong with that.

But you're so miserable in your current relationship that you're hyper-sensitised to contact with other guys, in this instance with this particular guy you work with. From what you're saying I think, and I don't mean to be harsh, it sounds like you're so miserable that any guy that was nice to you might pique your interest.

If you've had the talk with your partner several times already then maybe it's time the two of you went your seperate ways. After 10 years you already know these feelings are only going to get worse. You don't want to hurt anyone, and that's understandable, but you're huting yourself right now, and in time you're not going to be able to contain this. It will start to spillover into other parts of your life and maye lead to other difficulty and pain for people you care about.

It would be better if, having tried to make things work, you went your seperate ways now, you're enetitled to look for happiness, and so is he. if after that you still feel something for this guy in work then you'd be free to pursue him, or any other guy you wanted.

SarahSassy

Well firstly, well done to you for not taking the weak and easy route of having an affairs. You have shown respect for your child, partner and yourself and you can hold your head high in that regard.

You are in an unfortunate situation and one I have been in (minus the child). In my case, the unhappiness didnt go away and we ended up splitting up. Its important to have your childs best interests at heart here but its also important that the childs parents are both happy, whethe together or separately. The best thing you can do is put this colleague out of your head. He is the bit of excitemnet in what you consider to be a mundane relationship and life but in all reality he is also in a relationship and is not free to pursue you and to make you happy.

The bottom line is are you able and willing to stand out on your own... Its not easy being single.. I have been there for quite a while and its very hard ot meet a good guy. I dont mean to offend but it can be harder when there is a child and ex partner involved too.. If you feel there is a shred of possibility for you and you boyfriend then give it one more go but only if you are convinced this can work... If you dont belive that then this is doomed to fail....

Life is too short to be sad and unhappy and in the absence of a realistic possibility of making a happy life with your partner then you probably need to go it alone for a while.

AngryBadger

nellie24 wrote: »

When we had out talks about the relationship, my partner always throws this in my face, that I always get chatted up, and I will easily find someone. It is at the stage he makes me feel guilty about almost everything in my life, I have lots of friends, I am also involved in music. he is always given out ot me for something so stupid, and claiming I do not wanta be around him, which is pushing me more and more away.

hmmmmm...from what you're saying OP, it's not fair of your partner to do this at all. You certainly don't need to jsutify having friends, or being involved in anything. I can see the dilemma, you're not happy in your relationship, yet when your partner makes you feel guilty about everything you do outside of the relationship, you don't want to end things because you don't want to destroy the family unit, but you're also unhappy with the way things are.

I didn't mean that "anyone" would do. What I meant was, and I obviously wasn't sufficiently clear, if you're out in a club the interaction is nto very peraonsl, you may have some plastic conversation, but you're unlikely to really get to know anyone you meet. However, when you're working closely with someone it's a little different. You may not talk about the intimate details of your lives, but simply because you spend so much time around each other you are going to get closer, and you are going to get to know each other a little better.

So what i meant was that while you're very unhappy in your current relationship, you're workign with this other guy a lot, and therefore interacting with him a lot, consequently he seems....intriging compared to the your partner because with your partner you feel confined, jaded, and perhaps a little resentful. Whereas with this guy you dno't feel any of that.

My point is that those feelings may still exist in the future if you and your partner were seperated, and at that point you'd be free to follow up on them. However, and I know you've said you have no intention of doing this, but if something were to happen while you were still with your partner, or while you were seperating, it could have serious consequences in terms of your seperation.

So again, my advice is that if you and your partner have tried to patch things up several times already, and it hasn't worked, then maybe it is time to consider a seperation. I don't suggest that lightly at all, but if you've tried, and nothing's changed, then maybe it's time.

I would strongly advise against anything with the other guy in the meantime.

nellie24

thanks for your advise and taking the time to reply.

Nothing really has changed in the last few weeks, I was very unwell, so the weeks just flew past. There is one good thing, there is a lot more space with me and the other guy, we no longer work on the same project and we have moved buildings for now, so already this is helping. I have decided to try my best and put this out of my head, and try sort my relationship out once and for all, I don't know where to start...:(

AngryBadger wrote: »

hmmmmm...from what you're saying OP, it's not fair of your partner to do this at all. You certainly don't need to jsutify having friends, or being involved in anything. I can see the dilemma, you're not happy in your relationship, yet when your partner makes you feel guilty about everything you do outside of the relationship, you don't want to end things because you don't want to destroy the family unit, but you're also unhappy with the way things are.

I didn't mean that "anyone" would do. What I meant was, and I obviously wasn't sufficiently clear, if you're out in a club the interaction is nto very peraonsl, you may have some plastic conversation, but you're unlikely to really get to know anyone you meet. However, when you're working closely with someone it's a little different. You may not talk about the intimate details of your lives, but simply because you spend so much time around each other you are going to get closer, and you are going to get to know each other a little better.

So what i meant was that while you're very unhappy in your current relationship, you're workign with this other guy a lot, and therefore interacting with him a lot, consequently he seems....intriging compared to the your partner because with your partner you feel confined, jaded, and perhaps a little resentful. Whereas with this guy you dno't feel any of that.

My point is that those feelings may still exist in the future if you and your partner were seperated, and at that point you'd be free to follow up on them. However, and I know you've said you have no intention of doing this, but if something were to happen while you were still with your partner, or while you were seperating, it could have serious consequences in terms of your seperation.

So again, my advice is that if you and your partner have tried to patch things up several times already, and it hasn't worked, then maybe it is time to consider a seperation. I don't suggest that lightly at all, but if you've tried, and nothing's changed, then maybe it's time.

I would strongly advise against anything with the other guy in the meantime.

SpookyDoll

He was my first everything

Uh oh! OP, reading this is setting off alarm bells to me!!
Do you mean he's the only man you've been with?
If so, think about this, you have nothing to compare him with....not good. He seems to have been getting away with little effort for a long time.

You seem still somewhat lost, unable to go forward but unable to remain as things are although the seeds of realisation are dawning...

I have a feeling that this fella knows the writing is on the wall, even more so than you know yourself. I see a certain amount of pennies dropping with you, but due to inexperience you dont know how to proceed.

As far as I can see you are starting to "wake up" to the fact that all is not as it should be in your relationship, of course you partner/husband is now starting to notice this development and his course of action is to lay the old guilt trip on you:

When we had out talks about the relationship, my partner always throws this in my face, that I always get chatted up, and I will easily find someone. It is at the stage he makes me feel guilty about almost everything in my life, I have lots of friends, I am also involved in music. he is always given out ot me for something so stupid, and claiming I do not wanta be around him, which is pushing me more and more away.

It sounds to me like this man has been batting above his average for years. He knows it but the realisation of what you are worth is only dawning with you.

If he wants to remain with you, its my feeling he should be doing a lot more constructive than just laying a guilt trip on you and throwing himself a pity party. If he wants it, he needs to earn it, if he's too lazy to do that well Good luck.

Your gut instincts are telling you somethings wrong, that you are getting short changed in some way. And its right.