Failure

LegacyUser

Not sure why im posting this, but i need to confess to someone... somewhere...how im feeling.

Your going to need some background info to get the picture. So did my leaving cert 4yrs ago. Applied for a course that requires high points, 60 points short, hadnt a hope in hell of getting a college offer, but tried anyway. Continued to apply for the same course each & every yr in the hope that i'd get it some time. Took up a fetac course to get additional points, got the additional points i needed but still no offer! Took up another course 2yrs ago, so that i'd have something to show for myself while i continued to apply for the course. Im now at the stage where i hate the course im doing & im ready to drop out. Even though im only 2yrs off my degree. Like people forget easily what ur main ambition is/was and somehow u try to forget about it & move on too because 'whats for you wont pass you by'. Its become this huge weight on my head that i just wont let go off, simply bacause i cant.
I sound really childish I know. But each & everyday i wake up feeling like a huge failure. Year in, Year out...im torturing myself by applying for the course. Why do i continue to do it? because im an utter fool. Somewhere in the back of my mind, i know its what i was born to do. Ive loads of experience in the area but it just doesnt make a difference. Its something ive a huge passion for, i think about it all day, everyday. Its the only thing i really want to do with my life.
Was diagnosed with depression at the start of the year. Fair enough but it has nothing to do with how i feel over this "issue". Its only recently ive come to realise i hate myself. i dont mean that in a feel sorry for me kind of way. Its just the fact of the situation.I have very little respect for myself, no self belief. Life seems like a waste of time etc. Im angry at everyone and everything. I fight with people for the sake of it, cause im so angry at myself & i know its not fair. i cant continue to do it. I have amazing family & friends who give me fantastic support and ther always ther for me, through the good and the bad. Supposing i told them tomorrow i was giving up college to sweep the streets for free, they's support me 150%. So i just dont know what the hell is wrong with me?! why cant i sort myself out for their sake?? & ive tried believe me but i just keep slipping up. I live in fear of failure but im so used to it, it really shouldnt bother me like! The part that really makes me sick, is that someone very close to me has recently started the course. She's practially one of my best friends. she worked incrediably hard to get her points, she's so suited to the course its unreal. I cant even begin to describe how proud i am of her!!! She's worked so hard & when she got the course i cried because im so glad that she got it. Anyways what makes me sick is that, when she talks about her course i find i leave the room or try and avoid the conversation if i can! This is what i HATE myself for! im not angry or upset she got the course, im thrilled, every nite since she started the leaving cert i prayed to god, that she'd get it. Whats killing me is that i know to some extent im envious & thats worse than anything. Im a horrible person for even thinking that!!!!!! We wer practically reared together, she's one of my best friends, i love her more than anything, So why the f#ck am i like this? Why am i envious??? what, in gods name is wrong with me? i FEEL like screaming. I can deal with not getting the course. I cant deal with knowing that im envious!

i should count myself lucky that, thsi is all ive to worry about. I think ive problems! i dont know how good i have it. How im feeling inside its dragging me down, no matter how much i try or how many new medications they put me on, nothing is going to change! Why? because i havent told people how i feel about all this. In reality i pretend its in the past, that ive forgotten about it. In my head its a vicious circle that just never ends. Im torturing mysef by living...but in a way, ther's always a small voice in my head saying, that things will go my way, its just a matter of time. I believed that for so long that its an old game at this stage. As i write this, i realise im feeling a lil better for gettin it out of my head! Im sorry for the long rant about nothing really & im sorry if words are spelt wrong or if the sentences dont make sense. Im not reading back over it before i post it, because A) im too busy crying & i know i'll end up deleting it because its so stupid.
Sorry again

LegacyUser

I haven't enough time to give a long reply but here's a couple of quotes that might make you change your opinion of yourself;
"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm"
Winston Churchill said that (not a man that would have too many admirers on this side of the Irish Sea but that's beside the point!).
Also one from Michael Jordan:
"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career, I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over in my life. And that's why I succeed!" - Michael Jordan
You are most certainly not a failure. You were glad for your friend when she got the points for the course you wanted. That shows the quality of your character.
Take some solace in the knowledge that those who get the huge amount of points needed for some courses may be better than you academically but not a better person than you.
As for continuing to try and get in for this degree, it's up to you, maybe some others can reply with advice on this for you.

LegacyUser

man just wait until your 23 and go as a mature student.. what course is it? seems interesting..

okmqaz42

some of the most interesting people I know still don't know what they want to do with their lives.This would be people I know in their forties with kids, wifes, mortages etc.

Relax, take a deep breath and understand that most people dont know what the hell they are up to.

St Bill

Unregistered wrote: »

You are most certainly not a failure. You were glad for your friend when she got the points for the course you wanted. That shows the quality of your character.

+ 1. There are people out there who would pay a lot of money to get this zen-like view you have of your friend's good luck!

And don't forget that while you are applying and waiting to get onto the course you want, there are other opportunities that might come your way. Don't be blinkered to them. It's good to have a plan, but sometimes life doesn't work out the way you think it will.
Look at the course you're on now as an opportunity rather than a waste of time.

silverhillgirl

You know what - yu're a fighter, you didnt get the course and you went on to do other courses in the hope of getting it and you keep applying for the course every year. Dont ive up the fight. Its fantastic that you are 100% sure what you want to do in life - thats half the battle right there - im 29 and still dont know what i want to do. Chin up cause you'll get there eventually, and when you do the whole experience will be that much sweeter!!

Zillah

Why didn't you just repeat your leaving cert?