In Love with abuser...how/why??

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

This is going to sound crazy and that's because it is. I can't seem to get over my ex boyfriend even though we broke up 2 years ago and he was a voilent cheating assh*le I still think about him all the time and wish we could get back together. How can this be??

The logical part of me tells me this is crazy and yet I really miss him terribly and still feel jealous when I hear he's with other people. He has a new girlfriend and he has said to me ' I never raise a hand to her so that proves it was your fault that I was violent. I'm only ever violent with you'.

I hate him but I love him. How can I get past this. Maybe meeting someone new will help but I never seem to meet anyone I like. I am a good looking girl an dget offers a plenty but I am still hung up on this abuser.

Any ideas?

I just feel sad and worthless all teh time. It must be emanating from me...sigh...

AngryBadger

People on here might be able to help if we knew a few more details OP, nothing too intimate but for example how old were you when you were with this guy, how long were ye together, was he your first, that kind of thing.

Taking a wild stab in the dark here, but I'd guess you were with him for a long(ish) length of time, maybe even a few years? Even the most despicable characters become a part of our lives in that kind of a situation, and even though they may subject us to horrible abuse, in a warped way we almost acclimatise to it. It becomes normal, and we very nearly expect/anticipate it.

In that kind of a situation it becomes very hard to accept that you're entitled to be in a relationship with someone who is not an abuser, but who loves and respects you and is good to you.

All I can say is keep that in mind, you are entitled to be with someone who treats you right.

Colonel_McCoy

He is an a$$hole and nobody no matter what, should raise a hand to a woman. He is a coward hitting women. If some guy was doing that to my sister, I wouldnt be able to control myself.
You need to understand it was NOT your fault that guy has serious problems and you should be happy to be away for him.
You will meet somebody who will treat you the way you derserve to be treated ........ the way a lady should be treated. I promise that will happen and you wont be long forgetting about that dickhead.
Take care

Dizzyblonde

You'll never be able to change him, he is what he is. What you can do is find out why you feel someone like him is good enough for you. Otherwise you'll just go for the same type of guy again and again.
You really are worth far better, you deserve to be loved.

Curvy Vixen

I gave similar advice a couple of days ago to another poster that I'm going to give to you OP.

You need to speak to someone to find out why you feel that this *sshole (as you put it) is the man for you. It seems that your self esteem is through the floor at the moment and what's more important than the reason that you still want him, is ensuring that you protect yourself from this behaviour in the future.

Nobody should be treated this way. Male or female. And if you still have something inside of you that is calling for this behaviour then you need to put a halt to it before you end up in a cycle of abusive relationships.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

People on here might be able to help if we knew a few more details OP, nothing too intimate but for example how old were you when you were with this guy, how long were ye together, was he your first, that kind of thing.

Taking a wild stab in the dark here, but I'd guess you were with him for a long(ish) length of time, maybe even a few years? Even the most despicable characters become a part of our lives in that kind of a situation, and even though they may subject us to horrible abuse, in a warped way we almost acclimatise to it. It becomes normal, and we very nearly expect/anticipate it.

In that kind of a situation it becomes very hard to accept that you're entitled to be in a relationship with someone who is not an abuser, but who loves and respects you and is good to you.

All I can say is keep that in mind, you are entitled to be with someone who treats you right.

Well, he wasn't my first relationship but he is the only guy I have ever truly loved. We were together for three years (that's some good stabbing in the dark ya did!).

I know that I deserve to be loved but anytime I'm with a guy and it starts getting serious, ie he tells me he loves me, I walk away. He has never said sorry to me either. In fact, he has blamed me for the fights and has never accepted any responsibilty for his actions.

I am 29 and he is 32. God, I wish I could just forget him cause it's affecting my life really badly. It's like, because he abused me and caused the pain I think only he can take it away. That's not true though, I can heal myself. I have the power but right no wI just feel crap.

Thanks for listening though:)

Richie860504

Hey OP,

Could the reason be that you don't like any of these other lads is because of fear? How on earth could you possible make a grown man be violent?

Besides by what he said to you doesn't exactly make anyone think he has changed. I'd give it a few months and he'll probably be punching his new girl around. If he's not already. Just cos he says to you that he's not hitting her doesn't make it true and sure the poor girl is probably terrified out of her wits to tell anyone.

I think you just need to remember the bad times you had with him.

I know people can forget how they felt in bad situations over time, but what I do myself is find a picture taken either during or after that bad time and take a look at it every now and then just take half an hour and think about how you felt at that time.

Wibbs

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

Nobody should be treated this way. Male or female. And if you still have something inside of you that is calling for this behaviour then you need to put a halt to it before you end up in a cycle of abusive relationships.

Good advice there.

idiotic wrote:

The logical part of me tells me this is crazy and yet I really miss him terribly and still feel jealous when I hear he's with other people.

Of course your logical side knows this. I reckon most everyone in such a situation knows the truth. The problem is that bit in your mind that says that this is what you deserve. We have all got hang ups about who we are to some degree or other. Unhealthy perceptions of who we are, how the world works and how we should be treated. IMHO We read and hear about self esteem all the time and how important it is and it is, but only when our unhealthy world view gets reset at the same time. I've known people who were chock full of self esteem fruity goodness and they were complete aresholes, or unhappy because their world view was still unhealthy. The two are obviously linked, but should be worked on in concert with each other.

The plan of maybe talking this out with someone well trained and good is a good one. To point you in the right direction anyway. At some point in your past you got into a habit of thinking that this was how you should define love and how love is expressed, by you and to you. It could be some freudian guff, or it could simply be that this guy was your first hesitant step into romantic love and the self doubt you carried before that came along for the ride. At that point it would seem normal as you had nothing to judge it against. Now if he wasn't the first of these abusive types then the root is probably deeper. You'll discover that for yourself. It'll be a weird journey but a good one.

He has a new girlfriend and he has said to me ' I never raise a hand to her so that proves it was your fault that I was violent. I'm only ever violent with you'.

He's being very manipulative there. He's still trying to control you and it's working because you believe it. Standard operational crap for the abusive type(emotional or physical). They like to project their own skewed view on others and blame them and the world for it. I'd put good money he was the type who always blamed bad luck, bosses, teachers, parents, friends anytime things did not go well for him. He would then take it out on you. Of course because deep down he's got issues that he refuses to take responsibility for.

I'd also put good money that he is abusive to his new girlfriend. Abuse takes many forms. Sometimes a puck in the head is less damaging than constant emotionally controlling pressure.

Now thinking about what he is saying there. Look at it more closely. If he actually had a blinding flash of remorse and actually changed, then what he would have said was, "I was so wrong, it wasn't you it was me. We had our ups and downs but after we split I realised I needed to take responsibility for me and my life and actions. It took me until now to understand that. I've met someone new and I know I'll never treat her like that, because now I have respect for myself and her. Everytime I get stressed I think back and realise the pain I caused you. I hope you are in a better place now away from that old foolish me, because you deserve it". Now if he said that, he would mean it and it would be much closer to the truth.

I hate him but I love him.

I'd say it's more that your focus is on him. Of course it is he wanted and made that focus. He got you hooked into this and you're still addicted now. Plus distance of time, tends to make us remember the good more than the bad. Think of a great holiday you went on. What do you remember? the fun and the sun and the Italian bloke giving you the come on. You don't remember the mindlessly boring wait in the airport, the tightening of your grip on the seat through the turbulence and the ghastly rash the cut price suncream gave you.:D Throw in the sef worth issue and of course it feels natural to go back and try again.

How can I get past this.

By looking, really looking at the past and why that past is still informing your future. Go to a good counselor to help map that journey out for you. By realising that someone who abuses you agrees with how you feel about yourself. They confirm what you believe already. Try and avoid another full blown relationship for a while as until you get your own head straight it may not go great. That will pass though. By realising that all of this, I mean all of this is in your control, even when it doesn't feel like it sometimes. It is. Noone can make you happy and content but you and you've got the pwer to do so.

Maybe meeting someone new will help but I never seem to meet anyone I like.

Well you won't for a while as I said. You could meet a really nice guy tomorrow, but chances are high that you won't fancy him, because he doesn't fit that template. Lets imagine you met a guy and you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he truly deeply loved you for you. You wouldn't stay around long. Now most will say it's because you wouldn't believe him. I say the complet opposite. I say it's because you would believe him, but because you don't feel worthy of that, he would look like a fool for believing it. Instant turn off.

I am a good looking girl an dget offers a plenty but I am still hung up on this abuser.

Like I said it's the abuse in a weird way, not the this muppet abuser that you're hung up on. He confirmed almost perfectly what you already believe about yourself. Truth? You're wrong. Had to be said. ow if you're wrong(which is scary), then your feelings for this guy must also be wrong. Start finding out the truth and what's right and this guy will disappear into the background leaving an echo of a lesson well learned. I have found that all too often people would rather be proven "right" than become happy.

I just feel sad and worthless all teh time. It must be emanating from me...sigh...

Yep, have to say it is, but and it's a big but because it comes from you, you can change it. It will take a bit of time and it will be scary, because we often find change the most scary of all. Change for the better is good and you will get through it.

Good luck.

Wibbs

With my usual longinded rabbiting on I just saw this.

idiotic wrote: »

I know that I deserve to be loved but anytime I'm with a guy and it starts getting serious, ie he tells me he loves me, I walk away.

As I said I reckon its not because you believe they don't love you, it because you believe they may and deep down that doesn't fit that template in your head. I would say the next guy you really feel the big deal for, be careful. It's likely he'll be the same as the ex as the spark you feel is him ticking all the boxes of that template. He won't tell you he loves you either, until right after abusive behaviour.

Try and realise and see the truth about your worth before you start looking again. Saying it is one thing, believing it is quite another.

Hippo

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

I gave similar advice a couple of days ago to another poster that I'm going to give to you OP.

You need to speak to someone to find out why you feel that this *sshole (as you put it) is the man for you. It seems that your self esteem is through the floor at the moment and what's more important than the reason that you still want him, is ensuring that you protect yourself from this behaviour in the future.

Nobody should be treated this way. Male or female. And if you still have something inside of you that is calling for this behaviour then you need to put a halt to it before you end up in a cycle of abusive relationships.

+ 1.

OP you should get some kind of professional help, you have serious self-esteem issues you'll have to get to the bottom of before you can move on and dump the memory of this abuser. Start looking for a therapist, the sooner you begin the sooner you'll start to value yourself. Good luck with everything.

SpookyDoll

He has never said sorry to me either. In fact, he has blamed me for the fights and has never accepted any responsibilty for his actions.

OP, people stay in abusive relationships for a mixture of reasons. Consider "stockholm syndrome" where a victim becomes dependant on their captor/aubuser. They do so to survive, they might display feelings of love etc just in order to survive or lessen their ordeal....in other words its a coping mechanism. But what can happen is these feelings become habit and the person spends a lot of time trying to "work out" their abusers motives/feelings/thoughts....trying to predict and make sense of the pattern of abuse.

I think sometimes people who've suffered an abusive partner can be like this, constantly searching for answers like your own question "why did he hit me but not his new girlfriend" ....the thing is ...there is no meaningful answer to it, he is just a tosser, blaming you for his own weakness. The machinations of his mind are irrelevant.

You have to try to move twords not caring why he did what he did and caring what he thinks. Dont love him, make a decision and work hard to overcome your compulsion. It can be done with willpower, but its hard work!

Anyway, I hope you can make the mental break from him and start to clear your mind. Stop engaging with him or people around him, disregard what he says, move on, make new friends who treasure you.

Life is too short, such a cliche but its true....

McGinty

As I said I reckon its not because you believe they don't love you, it because you believe they may and deep down that doesn't fit that template in your head. I would say the next guy you really feel the big deal for, be careful. It's likely he'll be the same as the ex as the spark you feel is him ticking all the boxes of that template. He won't tell you he loves you either, until right after abusive behaviour.

Hi Op

Wibbs hits it so on the nail, it is scary. Before I remark, wibbs what you said in your longer thread made me cry because it is so true.

Op for a long, long time I hated myself, I attracted abusive guys, the abuse came in many variants, but it amounted to the same, each guy treated me like I was worthless because I felt I was worthless, I attracted them because they conformed to my own perspective. I took several years out of the relationship game, I remember I dated a guy who was a nice man, but I could not allow myself to be with him, at the time and for a couple of years I regreted it, he knew I was a lovely woman, sadly I did not. I did therapy and lots of self work, it took a long time, I had a lot to overcome. I can now accept love from a good man, I have allowed genuine love into my love and it is a far, far cry from the abusive crap I had for years, you may think you were loved and were in love with your ex, you are deluded, you are coming from a place where you have no or little self esteem. When you begin to genuinly care for yourself and put value on yourself, you will never ever let some arsewipe treat you in that manner, believe me I have allowed men in the past to do terrible things to me, now I would box their ears in, but I know now that abusive types steer clear of me because I don't feed into that ****e now. There weird thing about being loved genuinely is that at first it feels alien, even painful and you may want to push it away, I still have to work on my own self image, but God knows I know I deserve what I receieve now and Op it is lovely, imagine a life of happiness, with little or no angst or stress, just an easy going lifestyle, if that is what you want then mentally let go of your ex and work on your self image, if you enjoy the drama of it all, well, keep on going.

Dinter

idiotic wrote: »

This is going to sound crazy and that's because it is. I can't seem to get over my ex boyfriend even though we broke up 2 years ago and he was a voilent cheating assh*le I still think about him all the time and wish we could get back together. How can this be??

Unfortunately there's nothing crazy about it. it's a pattern that seems to happen regularly. There's a friend of mine was in a similar position to you for a long time and no matter how much it was discussed it took her a long time to feel better about it. For us on the outside it was heartbreaking to see but she never seemed to grasp it herself until a couple of years afterward.

I'll tell you a bit about her and some of it might sound familiar to you. You might be able to compare her experiences (as I know them) and see if there's anything relevant to you.

It was almost like her ex had conditioned her into looking for any sort of acknowledgement from him no matter what form that took. The fact that this acknowledgement was usually delivered in a screaming rage or through pushing and shoving seemed to almost be beside the point. He withheld any sort of positive reinforcement like compliments or affection and it seemed that eventually she got used to only getting negative attention and she began to somehow look for them. Almost as if she decided that any attention no matter how depraved was better than none.

Now this woman would have looked like the quintessential strong, confident, professional and despite almost interventions from her friends and family she found she couldn't change. The behaviour was too engrained. For example she would agree that the guy was a scumbag and yet she'd still leave her friends and run home when he called. He also imposed severe limitations on the amount of access she got to her friends and tbh we began to see her less and less. It's only the fact that we had all been known each other since school that ensured we did our best to continue meeting despite her near constant rainchecks.

Well eventually her mother got very sick and she moved home to help her father. As time went on his interest in her seemed to wane and like some sort of cancer he went to find his next victim. I've always thought that he wasn't as confident when he wasn't in his own little area like some sort of juvenile school bully.

Anyway she was left alone and shattered. Terrified because her chance of "happiness" was gone. She reminded me in some ways of a heroin addict. Desperate for a fix despite the dangers and disgust that she was aware of. She struggled to have a relationship because she'd no real idea of what affection was and was frightened that anyone she met would turn into her ex.

Anyway as time went on she began to slowly emerge as her own person again. Her life was very hard for a while as she struggled to reestablish herself with her family and job. She took on extra responsibility in work and began to validate herself by improving her lot. She realised that her self worth shouldn't be garnered from other people's opinions and actions and gradually she conquered the suffocating fear of bullies and began to date.

Anyway we all met up recently and for the first time she mentioned her ex as the butt of a joke. Something she'd never have done before. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but it was pretty impressive. She was with that guy for three years and has spent roughly the same length of time getting over it. I guess what I'm saying really is don't worry OP it's totally possible. It takes time but then nothing good ever comes easy. As long as you remember that there are people out there like your family and friends who'll always have your feelings paramount.

Oh one other thing. His little snide comment about you making him violent. Firstly you need to cut all contact with him if you ever want to get over him. Secondly I doubt he was violent with you until he got to know you as I'm afraid his new girlfriend will probably find out all too soon.

Anyway, apologies for the length. It's just I remember my friend before she met that guy and what she became while she was with him. It's still a sore subject as you always wonder could you have done more.

LegacyUser

Dinter wrote: »

Unfortunately there's nothing crazy about it. it's a pattern that seems to happen regularly. There's a friend of mine was in a similar position to you for a long time and no matter how much it was discussed it took her a long time to feel better about it. For us on the outside it was heartbreaking to see but she never seemed to grasp it herself until a couple of years afterward.

I'll tell you a bit about her and some of it might sound familiar to you. You might be able to compare her experiences (as I know them) and see if there's anything relevant to you.

It was almost like her ex had conditioned her into looking for any sort of acknowledgement from him no matter what form that took. The fact that this acknowledgement was usually delivered in a screaming rage or through pushing and shoving seemed to almost be beside the point. He withheld any sort of positive reinforcement like compliments or affection and it seemed that eventually she got used to only getting negative attention and she began to somehow look for them. Almost as if she decided that any attention no matter how depraved was better than none.

Now this woman would have looked like the quintessential strong, confident, professional and despite almost interventions from her friends and family she found she couldn't change. The behaviour was too engrained. For example she would agree that the guy was a scumbag and yet she'd still leave her friends and run home when he called. He also imposed severe limitations on the amount of access she got to her friends and tbh we began to see her less and less. It's only the fact that we had all been known each other since school that ensured we did our best to continue meeting despite her near constant rainchecks.

Well eventually her mother got very sick and she moved home to help her father. As time went on his interest in her seemed to wane and like some sort of cancer he went to find his next victim. I've always thought that he wasn't as confident when he wasn't in his own little area like some sort of juvenile school bully.

Anyway she was left alone and shattered. Terrified because her chance of "happiness" was gone. She reminded me in some ways of a heroin addict. Desperate for a fix despite the dangers and disgust that she was aware of. She struggled to have a relationship because she'd no real idea of what affection was and was frightened that anyone she met would turn into her ex.

Anyway as time went on she began to slowly emerge as her own person again. Her life was very hard for a while as she struggled to reestablish herself with her family and job. She took on extra responsibility in work and began to validate herself by improving her lot. She realised that her self worth shouldn't be garnered from other people's opinions and actions and gradually she conquered the suffocating fear of bullies and began to date.

Anyway we all met up recently and for the first time she mentioned her ex as the butt of a joke. Something she'd never have done before. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but it was pretty impressive. She was with that guy for three years and has spent roughly the same length of time getting over it. I guess what I'm saying really is don't worry OP it's totally possible. It takes time but then nothing good ever comes easy. As long as you remember that there are people out there like your family and friends who'll always have your feelings paramount.

Oh one other thing. His little snide comment about you making him violent. Firstly you need to cut all contact with him if you ever want to get over him. Secondly I doubt he was violent with you until he got to know you as I'm afraid his new girlfriend will probably find out all too soon.

Anyway, apologies for the length. It's just I remember my friend before she met that guy and what she became while she was with him. It's still a sore subject as you always wonder could you have done more.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt post and for what it's worth, you sound like a great friend who did everything she could.

The way your friend behaved is EXACTLY how I behave/behaved. I'd be in a bar with my friends and my ex would call and I'd go running. He'd spend the evening telling me how gorgeous and funny I am, he'd hold my hand and look deep into my eyes. Then we'd go back to mine, have sex and the next morning he'd leave staright away. Sometimes he wouldn't even stay over. I'd feel like something was wrong with me, like I wasn't good enough and I'd swear to myself that I'd never answer a call from him again. Then I'd end up texting him the next day like a pathetic idiot.

I even wrote letters to myself after he hurt me physically describing how bad I felt so I could re-read them in moments of weakness. I'd still somehow convince myself that he loved me and only hit me cause I was being a bitch or too loud or too drunk etc.

I am going to pull myself together and get over him. I knwo I have it in me. I am, to the outside world, a strong, beautiful woman who has guys asking her out all the time. I have my pick of men but what people don't realise is that I'm broken and ugly on the inside and crave attention from an abusive ass***.

Thank you everyone.

Wibbs

idiotic wrote: »

I am going to pull myself together and get over him.

You know what? Sod him and the horse he rode in on. He's gone. He's ancient history. His only purpose now is as a lesson to be learned on the road to you. Cheesy, but true enough.

I knwo I have it in me.

You do and you'll find more than you think. Read McGinty's journey again. That's someone who seeing the road was a crap one rolled up her sleeves and went and built a new one. In fact I'd print that out and read it to remind you of your destination when you may stumble on your own journey. I was prattling on about maps earlier, well if there was ever directions to be taken McGinty has been down the road ahead of you.

I am, to the outside world, a strong, beautiful woman who has guys asking her out all the time. I have my pick of men

I don't doubt it.

what people don't realise is that I'm broken and ugly on the inside and crave attention from an abusive ass***.

OK, but objectively what is the difference between the two viewpoints? I mean it's the same woman. The guys (and your mates) can see it. At the moment you can't yet, so think of it like a company shareholders meeting in your head deciding what direction to go next. At that meeting you have a load of voices going back and forth. You're the company director listening to all of these voices. One voice keeps being negative about everything and that's fine. Accept that, but the majority of the shareholders are positive about the new direction. So listen to your shareholders, even if the whiner seems to make some sense. OK ok mad analogy, but...

People often say outsiders saying you're great isn't that important if you think you're not. I say it is, if you start to listen to the outsiders. Nobody is an island, so surround yourself as much as you can with positive influences and it will have an effect.

JackieO

idiotic wrote: »

Thank you so much for your heartfelt post and for what it's worth, you sound like a great friend who did everything she could.

The way your friend behaved is EXACTLY how I behave/behaved. I'd be in a bar with my friends and my ex would call and I'd go running. He'd spend the evening telling me how gorgeous and funny I am, he'd hold my hand and look deep into my eyes. Then we'd go back to mine, have sex and the next morning he'd leave staright away. Sometimes he wouldn't even stay over. I'd feel like something was wrong with me, like I wasn't good enough and I'd swear to myself that I'd never answer a call from him again. Then I'd end up texting him the next day like a pathetic idiot.

I even wrote letters to myself after he hurt me physically describing how bad I felt so I could re-read them in moments of weakness. I'd still somehow convince myself that he loved me and only hit me cause I was being a bitch or too loud or too drunk etc.

I am going to pull myself together and get over him. I knwo I have it in me. I am, to the outside world, a strong, beautiful woman who has guys asking her out all the time. I have my pick of men but what people don't realise is that I'm broken and ugly on the inside and crave attention from an abusive ass***.

Thank you everyone.

OP - your post really hit a nerve within me because I was that person a few years ago. Not in terms of the physical or verbal abuse as such but I was just with someone who was so controlling that I took whatever scraps from the relationship he threw at me. I was obsessed with him (but not in love with him as I thought I was).

We only went out for 5 months and it was fairly intense - lots of being flown around the world on exciting little mini-breaks and holidays. I knew from day 1 that the relationsip was completely out of my control as he was calling all the shots.

Now I'm a very independant person, good career, own house and very indepentdant in general - I think thats probably why we broke up as I wasn't taking his sh!t. As in, he would say he was going to come to see me for a night during the week (he live in the other part of the country) but he felt that it was ok for him to decide what day suited him on the day and give me a few hours notice. I know this is a very simple example, but he basically wanted me to put my life on hold for him.

I wasn't willing to do that and we broke up. It took me 2 years to recover and actually realise what an idiot I had been for this guy (and I'm normally not that girl).

Reading back on this post I haven't actually conveyed how controlling he was but its late and I'm tired. (Sorry) He was extremely manipulative and used his money (of which he had loads) and expected that to be able to "buy" every one around him. He was a nice enough guy I suppose, if you met him in the pub for a pint.

But at the end of the relationship (and this took a while) he left me feeling that I didn't deserve anyone better than him and that I'd missed my chance.

Luckily, I pulled myself together and I've met someone wonderful now and I wonder how I wasted so many tears on that twat - even though I was totally heart-broken at the time!!!

Time really is a great healer.

metrovelvet

Because somewhere along the line someone, most likely a parent, told you you dont deserve to be loved, so when you make contact with someone who is ready and able to love you, your synapses go "does not compute does not compute does not compute."

Sometimes you can get addicted to the highs and lows that come with an abuser. Are you sure you love him? Does he service a self destructive part of you that doesnt want you to get your life together?

An Fear Aniar

To OP.

You gave him the power to control how you feel. You need to take that power back. The solution does not involve him in any way. The solution is in you.

That person is toxic and you must not ever contemplate giving anything more to him.

I hope you find the way out of it soon, it's difficult but basically I think it's an issue of power/empowerment.

If it gets any worse I would advise you to see a counsellor or therapist of some kind - don't lose any more years on this.

All the best to ya!:)


.

*a*

I had a friend who was mentally abused (similar to the above - great to meet in a pub, older, richer etc), and even after they broke up he kept contacting her - sending her back down the path of depression.

In the end she changed her mobile phone number and it was the best thing she did, because she took control, and took the step to get away from him by cutting him from her life. You need to take that control so that he cannot contact you anymore!

Good luck

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

Because somewhere along the line someone, most likely a parent, told you you dont deserve to be loved, so when you make contact with someone who is ready and able to love you, your synapses go "does not compute does not compute does not compute."

Sounds about right. IMHO it also can be as simple as trying to fix and relive a relationship in your adult life that you had no control over as a child. EG if a parent(father usually) left when you were young, you seek out men of a similar type that are likely to leave. You may think that now as an adult your love will keep them around. Fine and dandy, but in the back of your mind the template of "men who love me leave" is always present. More than the "I can fix this now" one. So you may engineer it so they do leave, thereby making you "right" and also plugging into the comfortable self pity of "I'm a wrong un and I can't fix people". Word to the wise, child or adult you can't "fix" anyone but you. At least the child in some way knows this. As adults we think we can.

It's weird the way our wonderful ability as a species to make sense out of patterns can also go against us. You see this with blokes who seem a little less obviously prone to the childhood thing with romantic stuff anyway. If their first crush/love dumps on them and breaks their heart, they respond by creating the template that "all women are heartless bitches". Ok at first that's possibly useful as a coping and self protection mechanism, but too many keep it going. Of course like the "all men leave" template, the "all women are heartless bitches" usually turns out to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

The trick I reckon with both these templates and all unhealthy templates is to look to yourself, first and foremost. That's where 90% of the answers lay. Yes some men will leave and some women are heartless bitches, but many more are neither. Knowing and acknowledging that you have this unhealthy template is the first step to bypassing it and getting a balanced healthy view of yourself and those around you.

metrovelvet

^ I think that is known as re-enactment, so you can work through the wound. Better to do this through therapy, controlled rehearsal and breakdown. In real life you just get another wound.

Aurora Borealis

I've read the advice given here with keen interest and they are wise words indeed. Your ex very clearly has control issues but thankfully that now is irrelevant. What matters, as already stated, is figuring out how you let yourself be controlled and what the signals are so you can avoid it happening again. Don't feel like you're damaged goods though because if you walk away from this with a better understanding of who you are then that's good. I think sometimes the more of car wreck the relationship the harder it is to extricate yourself from it because there's so much to process and our feelings are so bruised we don't quite know how else to be. It takes a lot of time and then some but life is always about learning and you'll have learned some pretty priceless lessons here. Take it easy on yourself and be glad you are where you are because it's going to get better and so much easier if you stop and listen to how you're feeling and question why.

I wish you all the best.


Laura