Am I unreasonable?

LegacyUser

This isn't as serious as other people's problems but I still need help. I'm in tears as I write this.

I am in 4th year of college. Really busy with work and study and all that. I live in a house with 3 other girls, also all in 4th year. Myself and two of the girls get along great, we're now best friends, but the 3rd girl, let's call her Mary, has never made an effort to get to know us. We have tried and we constantly invite her out and talk to her but she is never friendly back. We had issues with her before and I actually posted on here about it but it was sorted out.

The walls in our house are paper thin and you can hear everything. We copped this very quickly and make an effort to be quiet but Mary has made no effort. None of us can figure out how she makes so much noise. She stomps around her room so heavily that she knocks things over in my room. When she talks on the phone she puts the phone on loudspeaker so you clearly hear both conversations. All of that I can deal with though.

I am the only one to 'share' a wall with Mary. At least once a week, normally more, her boyfriend comes to stay. They'll stay up talking until 1 or 2 in the morning and then have loud sex with her headboard slapping off my wall. It means whenever he stays over I never get any sleep and I'm at my wits end. It doesn't seem like a lot but I used to go to bed at 11pm and get up bright and early the next morning ready to study my arse off and attend all my lectures. I never really knuckled down before and really wanted to make an effort this year. Because Mary and her boyfriend keep me up (and she keeps me awake even when he's not there by stamping around) I'm not getting to sleep until 1 or 2 and am constantly oversleeping.

Last night they started having sex at 1am and been talking and singing away until then. Previously I have been blaring music whenever they have sex to try and drop a hint, but they took it as a hint to get louder. I don't mind them having sex, I love sex myself, but I don't want to hear every single thing they're doing in there, especially at 1 am. So last night I banged on her wall, told her it was 1 am and to cop on. They stopped but her and her boyfriend spent the next hour bitching about me loudly. I could have said something but I didn't want to get riled up again so tried to ignore it. I should point out that I had ear plugs in but she is so ignorant and loud that I can still hear them clearly, another issue. Her boyfriend then got up at 6am and slammed all the doors, waking me up. I've had about 3 hours sleep. I should be studying now but I've had to come home from college cause I got sick I was so tired.

I'm tearing my hair out and don't know what to do. I have said something to her about how noisy she is and it made no difference. I blare music. I bang on her door. Nothing changes. As I said earlier, she is keeping me awake through ear plugs. Essay deadlines and exams are looming and I am just too tired to do anything. I don't know what to do. I've tried the childish approach of playing music early/late but it just makes her worse. I don't want to move as I really like my other housemates but as their bedroom walls aren't up against hers it doesn't affect them. They hear her but it doesn't keep them awake. I'm sick and I'm in tears cause I'm so tired and I just can't take anymore. I don't if I'm being unreasonable or if I have a right to be ignored. I just feel like everyone's thinking 'Oh you're in college, you're not supposed to sleep' but in 4th year it's different.

shellyboo

I think you need to speak to your other housemates and let them know how mich it's bothering you - if you're as close with them as you say, then they'll sympathise. Then ask them to confront Mary with you. All three of you sitting there telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable will achieve one of two things - she'll get worse, in which case you can ask her to leave and find someone else; or she'll get the hint and start making more of an effort.

AngryBadger

First off OP, you're not being unreasonable at all, this girl sounds like an utter sow.

As suggested you should talk to your housemates about this, and make it clear how badly this is effecting you. To be honest, and I don't mean to put a downer on things, but I'm not sure how much satisfaction you'll get from this girl. Anyone who is SO BAD when it comes to being noisy that they're knocking things over in the adjacent room is obviously a total pillock.

If the other 2 girls see your point and are willing to put up a front with you then it may be possible to get this girl to cop on, or to move out, but it's a very tricky one when a housemate is misbehaving.

I hope it works out OP!

Dwn Wth Vwls

On a practical note, can you rearrange the furniture in your room and put your bed somewhere away from the shared wall? Maybe look into some high quality earplugs as opposed to the regular ones in shops, they block out a lot more noise.

AngryBadger

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

On a practical note, can you rearrange the furniture in your room and put your bed somewhere away from the shared wall? Maybe look into some high quality earplugs as opposed to the regular ones in shops, they block out a lot more noise.

Actually that's brilliant, if you can't get rid of her it might be possible to alleviate the noise problem!

Good thinking!

MagicMarker

I'd be finding it difficult to not throw all her **** out into the garden and change the locks.

Tell your housemate, both of you sit down with her and say ''it stops now or you're out'', no discussion needed.

Pat Mustard

AngryBadger wrote: »

First off OP, you're not being unreasonable at all, this girl sounds like an utter sow.

As suggested you should talk to your housemates about this, and make it clear how badly this is effecting you. To be honest, and I don't mean to put a downer on things, but I'm not sure how much satisfaction you'll get from this girl. Anyone who is SO BAD when it comes to being noisy that they're knocking things over in the adjacent room is obviously a total pillock.

If the other 2 girls see your point and are willing to put up a front with you then it may be possible to get this girl to cop on, or to move out, but it's a very tricky one when a housemate is misbehaving.

I hope it works out OP!

You have to be able to sleep properly in order to function, and Mary and her boyfriend sound like extremely annoying people.

That said, apart from the music blaring and the banging on the wall, you haven't confronted Mary directly yet. Okay, she should have got the hint when you started blaring music, but that didn't work. She or her boyfriend didn't even get embarrassed, they just got thick. She sounds like a bit of an ignoramus, really.

So, you have to confront her and explain that the walls are paper thin, that you can hear everything, including both sides of her telephone conversations. I wouldn't advise doing that en masse (at least not yet), with your other housemates. That is likely to get her on the defensive, rather than get her to cooperate with you. The last thing that you need is her boyfriend staying over even more often in some show of solidarity with his 'embattled' girlfriend. The boyfriend needs a word as well, btw.

You can always go and confront her with the housemates afterwards.

I don't envy your position. Hope it works out.

Dudess

If you and your other housemates can't sort the problem among yourselves, the following is from Threshold:

Remember the landlord has duties to other tenants and neighbours. If noise from other tenants or neighbours is causing a nuisance to you, tell your landlord.

And have a word about that dick boyfriend too.
It doesn't seem like she's just careless (some people - even great people - are. My flatmate is fantastic and she's careless about noise), it seems she's behaving this way out of spite.

And don't apologise or feel like a prude for objecting to the sex noises - it's the noise that's bothering you - more to the point, keeping you awake... not the sex.

Also, do you think there's anything the landlord/lady can do to soundproof the place? E.g. rugs on noisy floors?

SpookyDoll

You are definitely not unreasonable.

The only thing I want to add is a little idea, seeing as the noise is the worst in your room, could you suggest that one of the other girls changes rooms with you for just a night.

Dont tell the troublemaker one, then when the noise starts your other housemate will be able to witness what you are going through every night.

Maybe if you could get the two non-troublemaking girls more onside you wouldn't feel it was just you against her kind of thing.

Dudess

I wouldn't be surprised if, after a while, that sort of behaviour warranted warning of eviction. Keep a diary of all incidents too, OP.

What a nightmare (although you've probably forgotten what those are! ). I'm a light sleeper and I know the misery that interrupted sleep can bring. It's like a zoo outside my bedroom window a lot of nights, due to several pubs being in the vicinity... but coming from the room next to me? You're not being unreasonable at all, in fact it strikes me as quite serious if it's going on that often for a long time.

Peewee_lane

Talk to the other housemates. Get Mary kicked out.

I lived with a Mary before. In every house I rented thereafter, I was always extra considerate to my housemates. Some people think they are they best thing since sliced cheese and can do what they want. I cant believe that Mary rents a house with other students, and still screams the walls down while having sex????

I'm sorry, I know we all have sex but when you're renting a house with other ppl you have to be considerate.

Tell Mary from me I heard shes crap in bed. I could hear her all the way out here in Kildare.

Redpunto

She not gonna take anything that you or your other housemates say seriously so get the landlord to sort it out, hes the only one who can throw her out.

hatful

I was bullied by two people I lived with, they would bang on my door late at night and phone my room phone to wake me.

I bought a good pair of ear plugs and slept with them in, unplugged the phone used my mobile for all calls. Got up before they did and went out to the library. It wasn't pleasant but there were other people living there who I got on with and who were also bullied by these individuals. They weren't important enough for me to get angry at.

I spent most of my time away from them at the library and got the best results of any year that I've been in college.

Dudess

I don't think that strategy was particularly beneficial - you and your housemates let those bullies walk all over you.

hatful

Dudess wrote: »

I don't think that strategy was particularly beneficial - you and your housemates let those bullies walk all over you.

There were confrontations, in my experience they make the situation worse. Her exams and college work take presidence, i'd ignore them and get on with it it's sapping the op's energy.

Dudess

Lack of sleep is sapping the OP's energy. I've been there, having lived in student apartments and barely getting a wink. It's horrible. Several nights of it doesn't just cause tiredness, it causes stress, upset and even a degree of depression.

I see what you're saying about the confrontations but when this is causing the OP to lose out on sleep which will affect her college work, it needs to have an end put to it.

LegacyUser

Just an update. I was at home over the weekend so nothing happened, obviously. I found it very difficult to sleep over the weekend as my sleeping cycle is so out of whack. I bought some natural sleeping tablets in the hope that I will be able to correct my cycle and get back to my old self, and make it through a full day of college.

I am a confident person but I hate confrontation and felt sick to my stomach at the thought of confronting this girl again, but I knew I had to. I came back yesterday and only saw her when she was cooking dinner. Another housemate was there so I couldn't say anything and she returned to her home then for the rest of the evening. I could have knocked on her door, I know, but I felt like I was cornering her then so I left it off.

I went to cook my own dinner earlier today and she was in the kitchen. Although I think she is being quite ignorant regarding the noise levels, I myself am not an ignorant person so I greeted her nicely. In return I got an icy stare and a grunt. So she has kept me awake continuously for the last 2 months, to the point that I need to sleep with ear plugs in and take something so I can fall asleep at a reasonable hour, but she isn't talking to me because I banged on her wall when she kept me up past 2am, when I had to be at 7am, for the umpteenth time?

I have come to the conclusion that this girl is an absolute ignorant cow and is not worth my time of day. I know by her reaction to me banging on the wall that she will just ignore me if I try and confront/talk to her about how loud she is. I am hoping that she will remain quiet, as she was quiet last night but if it happens again I will not take the softly softly approach. If I am kept awake again I will confront her there and then, and not wait until a suitable time. Hopefully it won't come to that.

I did explain the situation to my housemates and hinted at getting a bit of support but I was told outright that they were not getting involved. I get along great with the other two but behind her back they bitch and moan all the time, but are nice as pie to her face, which annoys me but I suppose it's what we girls do best. I plan to no longer mention the situation to them as I get the feeling they will easily turn on me if I say the wrong thing and tell her all that I ever said about her. I don't care if they do cause she's no friend of mine, but I don't want things to get any worse.

I will update again if anything else should happen. Fingers crossed it won't!

hatful

Sorry to hear things are still unresolved OP. I know you like the other girls in the flat but the way this person is behaving isn't normal and if your health is being affected maybe you should consider finding a new place to live that has a contingent of quiet post grads. I didn't move out of my digs when I was having problems because by the time it got bad I only had roughly two months left before my exams. You have another semester of this so I'd seriously consider moving.

Firetrap

You poor thing. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Unfortunately, some people are just plain ignorant and inconsiderate.

I'm shocked by the lack of backup you've received from your other housemates. They've effectively hung you out to dry. What spineless behaviour - anyone can bitch and moan but not everyone has backbone :mad:

Like the poster above me, I'd strongly suggest you look into moving somewhere else. Why should you be the one who has to take sleeping tablets and stick earplugs in your ears at night? I'm concerned that you're taking sleeping tablets, even if they are natural ones.

Your grades are far more important than trying to survive in a place with horrible people.