Should I write

LegacyUser

Right this may sound stupid but hear me out.

I was going out with a girl a couple of years ago and had a really bad break up. But after the break-up I'd still see her around and was still saying some really hurtful things to her. Eventually got over it but for the past few months I've been feeling really bad about the things I said. Before that I still thought I was right in what I done but now I've wisened feel really guilty about it all. I've been thinking about writing to her and not so much explain but apologise. But to apologise I'd need to explain what was going on in my head at the time. (Had a really difficult period, personally, with depression and drink problem).

Does anyone think I should write to her? And if so what would you write? Really don't want to make it a 'poor me' letter, just want her to know I am sorry.

fasty

Would you be doing it to make yourself feel better or her? If it was a few years ago she's more than likely long moved on. Just leave it.

mickyt

I don't think it would be a bad idea to drop her a letter. she might appreciate it.
I am sure she doesn't give it too much thought etc. but i'm sure it was something that she left wondering what ever did make you react like that.

Just make sure you word it right, so that you don't look for too much pity and you don't make her feel bad.

Just explain it as best you can. if it gives you some closer on it. then there is no harm

Colonel_McCoy

Leave her alone, dont annoy her anymore.

Wibbs

fasty wrote: »

Would you be doing it to make yourself feel better or her? If it was a few years ago she's more than likely long moved on. Just leave it.

I'm with fasty on this one.

Let's face it, you're doing this for you, not her when you really get down to it. Most any endeavour that starts from a point of self centeredness is unlikely to go well for at least one of you.

Let it go. She probably has and if it is still in the back of her mind, then all this will accomplish is dragging up painful memories. You screwed up, you know it, you hopefully learned from it and you won't do it like that again. The last part is to simply move on

Karen_*

OP I don't think hearing from you would mean anything to her now. She's more than likely moved on and so you writing her a letter would really only be for your own benefit. Everyone messes up and you just have to firgive yourself for it and move on. The past should stay in the past, no point opening up old wounds.

Curvy Vixen

I think you are doing this for yourself OP, not for her.

The main outcomes of your letter writing are probably;

a) She thinks 'who??'
b) She has had such a horrific life because of you that a letter will never change it!
c) She thinks 'fool!'

~ none of which will bring any benefit to her life but might make you feel better. If you think that you are writing a letter to apologise you must think that an apology is something that she would value....my guess is that she has moved on...

However, if it makes you feel better and fair play if you really have come through that in your past, then write every single thing that you can think of in a nice long letter.

And then burn it.

metrovelvet

Im going to disagree with the majority here.

First of all, even if you are doing it for you, it doesn't mean it wont benefit her also.

I dont know what you did. I don't know what the nature of the relationship was or how it ended. ONly you know that.

What will her response be? Well, we can only guess. But for all we know, she may not be irritated, she may actually be glad to hear you acknowlege something.

I recently did something like this. It doesn't mean either party hasnt moved on. But several several [as in 5] years after I did something rather nasty, it was really niggling at me and I sent a brief email to this person, with no expectation, acknowleging the lateness of my apology and acknowlegement.

You know what his response was? "Hey, I was just thinking about you." And then went on to explain his part in it. Anyhow, we are not really friends again or anything like that, but at least we know there are no hard feelings... and in this life we can all do with a little less of those.

flogen

If you write her a letter explaining and apologising for your behaviour then you'll only be doing it for your sake, so don't.

If you're apologising in the hope of being forgiven, don't bother.

If you feel you genuinely wronged her and want to simply apologise, while accepting that it's not going to make things better or excuse your actions, then by all means do it.

The important point is that if you write the letter, it should be an unqualified apology.

Simply say you realised just how badly you treated her and you want to say sorry, as little as that may be worth to her.

It's still for your sake to some degree but it's always nice to hear an apology from someone who wronged you, even if that apology doesn't heal the hurt or end the rift.

If you start explaining yourself you're really just making excuses even if you think you're not. Excusing yourself is something you're only going to do for your sake and isn't something she wants to hear.

So maybe you should say sorry and nothing else. When you do, don't expect to be treated well for it.

Monkey61

I'd say go for it.

I was cheated on by an ex once which lead to a terrible amount of bitterness and bad feeling. Three years later, I got a long overdue apology and it felt great. It really meant a lot to me.

Doozie

I'd say write too.
After a break up the relationship has obviously changed and if you have said things you regret in that time then I think your ex would be glad to hear why. Give her some clarity. She may have moved on, as have you, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't think about it. I guess you have to think about yourself though, so figure out what you really want to achieve by apologising and picture yourself after you have done it.
Then see.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here,

I think most of you are right to be honest. It might be something to do with being selfish. But to write the letter is just my way of attempting to apologise. I don't expect friendship or even acknowledgement from her.

Now I never hit her or anything like that, Just caused alot of arguments over the last few months of the relationship when I found out she was with another fella.

But I heard somewhere not to apologise if it meant it could hurt the other person and from the posts here I think that might just happen. So I think I might just forget about it and let sleeping dogs lie.

Might just go to confession instead!!! How would you write a letter to a priest? Anyone know?

Malari

I would say you also have to think about what will happen after you send a letter like this. How would it make you feel if you got no reply? How do you know if she even read it? I know I wouldn't if I got a letter from an ex who treated me badly...it would be in pieces in the bin. It might even cause issues if she is in a current relationship - why is she receiving mail from an old boyfriend??

I think you are doing this for you, not her, in a very "My Name Is Earl" kind of way. Just leave it. The damage is done and a letter can't undo it.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Now I never hit her or anything like that, Just caused alot of arguments over the last few months of the relationship when I found out she was with another fella.

Now maybe it's just me but.... Hang on. She was with someone else? And you feel you have to apologise at this late stage? OK harsh words may have been spoken, but frankly if faced with cheating, she(nor anyone else) would expect a hug and congrats(and a nice cake). Let her and all of it go. Seriously.

Trinity

Wibbs wrote: »

Now maybe it's just me but.... Hang on. She was with someone else? And you feel you have to apologise at this late stage? OK harsh words may have been spoken, but frankly if faced with cheating, she(nor anyone else) would expect a hug and congrats(and a nice cake). Let her and all of it go. Seriously.

Was just thinking the same OP, why should you apologise? You were hurt and angry.

Maybe its you that needs closure, an explanation or an apology of some sort if you were cheated on. Are you hoping she will reply saying sorry too? Is this to spur her on to do what you need her to do?

Dinter

Definitely don't write. If you run into her when out take the opportunity to go over and just say I'm sorry, I was pretty messed up at the time or whatever and leave it at that.

If you look at it it like this: you and her date, break up, you become an ignorant sod, she forgets why she liked you in first place, she begins to hate you, she moves on, she meets someone else, you write a long and eloquent apology explaining your behaviour. It just doesn't follow on and seems pointless.

Tbh I'd see this as some sort of subconcious desire to make her remember you now you're feeling better about yourself.

abi2007

Leave her alone, she has probably long forgot about you. I wouldn't like a letter from any X of mine.

evil-monkey

fasty wrote: »

If it was a few years ago she's more than likely long moved on. Just leave it.

+1

we all have those regrets. and regrets they really should remain. regrets are always better than the reopening of old wounds, which, despite what you might say, could well happen. leave it man. move on.

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

I'd say go for it.

I was cheated on by an ex once which lead to a terrible amount of bitterness and bad feeling. Three years later, I got a long overdue apology and it felt great. It really meant a lot to me.

i agree. an ex treated me badly during and after our relationship. out of the blue, after three years he sent a letter to apologise and explain his side of things. although i had moved on and put it behind me it did mean a lot to me that he did eventually apologise

Koushki

I disagree, i think you should write to her. Even if it is just for you. If she was a big part of your life for a while, why just let her fade away without her even knowing why. There's no harm in a letter, she can simply ignore it if she wanted.
I doubt it will trigger fond memories of you, but personally, if an ex was being really horrid to me then broke up, i would appreciate a letter to know that it wasn't all my fault.

TheZohanS

If you really feel this girl deserves an apology then go for it. It is entirely up to her how she takes it, but if you are honest and sincere then she will know.

It does sound as if you need some sort of closure on the relationship, maybe this will give it to you, and possibly her.

Just don't expect a reply and only send one letter, you might consider sending it by registered mail so you know when it has been received.

Best of luck.

The Sweeper

Leave it.

Leave it all the more with the whole "I found out she was with another fella" thing.

If you were as obnoxious as I think you were (and by the way - "I never hit her" doesn't make you a sterling member of society), then I'm not surprised she cheated on you to be honest. I'm not saying you deserved it, just that I don't find it surprising that it happened.

I think if you start to apologise, you'll realise that what starts as

"I was wrong, and I'm sorry"

will turn into

"I was wrong, and I'm sorry, but I was depressed, and you didn't understand that, and I was drinking heavily, and you really shouldn't have done what you did, and you really didn't react well to me, and you didn't support me when I needed you to, and then you started seeing someone else, and that's what made me worse, and now come to think about it and write it all down, it was all your fault."

Leave the girl alone and get on with your life.

Wibbs

TBH while I entirely agree with your advice of let it go, some of this is jumping the gun a bit

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

If you were as obnoxious as I think you were

And what pray tell gave you this impression.

(and by the way - "I never hit her" doesn't make you a sterling member of society),

Obviously it's a given and I do take your point, but maybe just maybe he was trying to set the scene, lest we think he somehow deserved the infidelity.

then I'm not surprised she cheated on you to be honest. I'm not saying you deserved it, just that I don't find it surprising that it happened.

Eh right. If you look at the tenses, you'll notice they appear to have had the fights after he found out about her infidelity, which seems fairly natural, unless she had a crystal ball handy that was tuned into his possible future reactions. Basically I don't see what reality and back story can be construed from the thumbnail sketch the OP gave of this relationship.

I'm serious too. What gives you this impression?

claret

Unregistered wrote: »

i agree. an ex treated me badly during and after our relationship. out of the blue, after three years he sent a letter to apologise and explain his side of things. although i had moved on and put it behind me it did mean a lot to me that he did eventually apologise

I also agree. OP write the letter!
I've been in a similar situation, an ex wrote me an apology letter after two years and although it didn't make us bossom buddies again, we were able to become more civilised towards each other (we hang around with the same people, makes it a lot easier now!)

metrovelvet

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Leave it.

Leave it all the more with the whole "I found out she was with another fella" thing.

If you were as obnoxious as I think you were (and by the way - "I never hit her" doesn't make you a sterling member of society), then I'm not surprised she cheated on you to be honest. I'm not saying you deserved it, just that I don't find it surprising that it happened.

I think if you start to apologise, you'll realise that what starts as

"I was wrong, and I'm sorry"

will turn into

"I was wrong, and I'm sorry, but I was depressed, and you didn't understand that, and I was drinking heavily, and you really shouldn't have done what you did, and you really didn't react well to me, and you didn't support me when I needed you to, and then you started seeing someone else, and that's what made me worse, and now come to think about it and write it all down, it was all your fault."

Leave the girl alone and get on with your life.

This is really unfair. You don't know that it would turn out that way. A sincere apology does not evolve into a blaming tirade.

What makes you think he was obnoxious? What right have you to say this to him? That you are not suprised she cheated? Good god do you carry a cudgel in your purse?

Dinter

metrovelvet wrote: »

This is really unfair. You don't know that it would turn out that way. A sincere apology does not evolve into a blaming tirade.

Tbh though I think that's how it will pan out.

The op is not talking about a straight up, two word "I'm sorry" letter. He's talking about explaining his behaviour. To do this he will of course have to drag up old memories of what he did even if it's solely to justify them. He is going to have to drag up the whole cheating episode and explain his actions afterward in light of it. He's going to have to explain the reactions that her actions drove him to. He's going to tell her how down he was anyway at the time she cheated on him. You reckon she'll feel happier knowing OP?

And what for? What are you hoping to achieve except selfishly assuage your conscience and who cares about how it'll make her feel. Seriously don't write. She's probably written you off as a bad experience. We all have them and quite frankly would any of us want to hear from our relationship boogeyman?

(btw I don't agree with the cheating at all. Seriously can't understand why anyone could give a crap about what a two faced ho thinks of them though.)

Anyway your motives might be pure now but that's probably not how it'll look to her. Remember OP although you say you've moved on and changed for the better to her you're still the person that you were at the end of your relationship. Honestly do you think she wants some apology that'll probably disturb her and make her feel worse than she is at the moment. Would you?

metrovelvet

Given the new information that the OP was cheated on, no I don't think he should apologise. However, I still hold that a letter of apology does not have to evolve into a blaming tirade.

For example, something along these lines:

Dearxxx,

I write to apologise to you for the way I behaved back in June [or whenever] of ????. I was resentful and acting out at they way things had gone and for this I am genuinely sorry. Please know, that I do not intend to disturb you or disrupt your life with this note. If I have upset you with this, please disregard and know I wish you every happiness.

Regards,