Foreversingle

LegacyUser

I'm 40, male. I've only had one real relationship with a girl, that could be called as such. It lasted six months, and I ended it, because although she was fabulous looking, I couldn't see myself living with a girl who would fly off the handle at a moment's notice, for no rational reason. I am very relaxed and easygoing, hate rows and unpleasantness, and my girl would have to be the same. Life's too short for having silly rows about nothing.

Other than that, I had two purely sexual affairs, which lasted a year or so each, on a casual kind of basis. Each ended amicably, we both just moved on. I also had one one night stand, with a girl I met online, who told me she didn't smoke, but who I found out later was a smoker, which I hate, and which is a complete deal-breaker for me.

I don't want just a sexual affair. I want someone I can come home to, grab a hug, say 'How was your day?' and just relax in the comfort of having them around, without living in their pocket. In fact, sex is low on my list of priorities. I much prefer a cuddle and kiss, and am beginning to fear that years of sporadic sexual encounters have left me losing interest in sex altogether!

I've been on all the dating sites for a few years now, and have turned cold. Most girls seem to be online looking for Brad Pitt, and I'm sure Brad Pitt has no need of a dating website, other than as a handy way to score. Girls get very upset when they perceive these guys to be using and dropping them. Yet they completely ignore a guy like me. I get about one response for every thirty friendly messages I send. I'm not bad looking, very ordinary, but a photo attached almost guarantees no response!

I have had more response from ladies 45 plus than anyone else. I look much younger than my years, and I get responses from ladies who are probably very nice people, and I chat well with them, but they look like my mother! There's no kind way to put it. I have found some profiles who match my own very well, but in far too many cases, the ladies are smokers. That is the only, absolute, no-no. Why do so many ladies in Ireland still persist with such a horrible, foul-smelling habit? Their sense of smell and taste is dulled, so they seem blissfully unaware of how bad they smell to a non-smoker.

Another thing I fail to understand is this national obsession with oral sex. I never found it appealing at all, and got zero pleasure from it. It bored me more than anything else. Yet it seems to be a prerequisite for a relationship now. In all the few encounters I have had, I had no problems pleasuring a girl without doing that, that was confirmed to me!

The only advice of any kind I ever got was that I need to change and be the kind of person most girls want. Which to my mind means hide my true personality and put on a kind of false identity, which is surely not advisable? I am me, and honesty should stand for a lot, shouldn't it?

Anyway, I've been out of a relationship for nearly two years, I'm a bit lonely, but becoming settled as a single guy and starting to visualise myself as forever on my own. I am strapped for cash, up to my neck in debt, with loads of bills to pay, so I am not a great financial catch for a girl, but then if that's what she's looking for, then she is definitely not for me anyway.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

St Bill

Unregistered wrote: »

I look much younger than my years, and I get responses from ladies who are probably very nice people, and I chat well with them, but they look like my mother! There's no kind way to put it.

You seemed ok enough until you said this. You complain about women wanting a Brad Pitt lookalike, yet it's ok for you to dismiss a girl because she's not good-looking enough?
A girl is not going to go out with you if she thinks you look down on her, simple as.

metrovelvet

So hold on a second you want...

1. No smoking

2. No one over 45

3. No oral sex?

5. And women who don't fly off the handle?

Em... good luck with that one.

LegacyUser

St Bill wrote: »

You seemed ok enough until you said this. You complain about women wanting a Brad Pitt lookalike, yet it's ok for you to dismiss a girl because she's not good-looking enough?
A girl is not going to go out with you if she thinks you look down on her, simple as.

That's a bit out of order. Where anywhere in my post did I say I only wanted a 'good' looking girl, or that I 'look down on' girls? I'd like a girl that looks roughly the same age as me, that's a wholly different thing. I was hoping I'd get a few helpful responses, or encouragement, rather than the usual smart aleck comments.

Thanks for the hurtful comment, I'll try not to be too put off by it...

STUBBORNGIRL

and my friends tell me i'm too fussy!

Sorry Op to say this but i just think it boils down to you wanting one kind of woman and unfortunately i dont think she is born yet. you are right though not settling for second best but i do think that sometimes the people we dont think are right for us end up being the ones we fall in love with. you need to try all avenues

i hated guys who smoked and said no way would i date a guy who smoked but guess what - any guy that showed interest in me was a smoker - so i gave in and you know what you will find its something you can live with given the chance.

For some women it is about money and those women always get what they want so i wouldnt worry about them. There are alot more women that look for a man with a loving personality than those that go for looks.

Sex is an important factor in any relationship but i dont think that it is the deciding factor!i would much rather date a guy who loved kisses and cuddles to a guy who was obsessed with sex! On the Oral sex issue you will find there are women that love it and women that hate it - matter of finding the ones that dont mind either way.

Life is all about making mistakes and having bad experiences but it is through all this that we learn who we are and what we want - my advise to you is to keep searching all avenues at that! Dont get hung up on being single - enjoy it and it will happen for you someday!

Ps:you are lucky that you are a man and that you can still hope to have a family.

best of luck op! hope this helps somewhat.

Karen_*

OP all I can say is don't lose heart and keep trying. Just get out there and enjoy yourself and keep meeting people. Keep an open mind because so many people end up with partners who they would have said previously were not their 'type'. I don't think its too much to ask for to want a non-smoker without a fiery temper personally. And there are loads of women under 45 who are single. You never know, if you love someone then oral sex may not be an issue anymore but there are loads of people who don't like it so its not something I'd worry about. I'm stunned at the replies you got, I could understand it if you'd said you wanted a 18 year old blonde, non-drinker who was into water-polo and archery and no-one else would do. More than a bit out of order, in my opinion.

AARRRGH

Are you doing everything possible to sell yourself? You know, good body from going to the gym + eating well, nice clothes, good hair cut, white teeth, etc.?

Also the best way to meet people is to spend a lot of time around people. Sitting at home using the Internet will result in singledom.

SpookyDoll

I agree with Karen *, you seem to know your own likes and dislikes and I dont think your hopes are unreasonable.

I can understand you not wanting to date outside your generation, not that there is anything wrong with it, but everyone is entitled to their own tastes.

Anyway, as people often say on here, how about clubs or activities. I know it sounds corny but there is no drink involved and you are not laying yourself open to the russian roulette nature of online dating.

Say some sort of evening course or class.

I can identify with you and your money troubles, its hard these days. I think any girl worth her salt can see past that, although from what men say it can be a problem with younger girls sometimes.....I dunno

I would imagine you would be looking for a woman in the mid/late 30's and early 40's, money troubles will not be alien to single women in this age bracket, they will probably have struggled themselves.

Anyway OP good luck with it! Its tough out there!

St Bill

Unregistered wrote: »

That's a bit out of order. Where anywhere in my post did I say I only wanted a 'good' looking girl, or that I 'look down on' girls? I'd like a girl that looks roughly the same age as me, that's a wholly different thing. I was hoping I'd get a few helpful responses, or encouragement, rather than the usual smart aleck comments.

Thanks for the hurtful comment, I'll try not to be too put off by it...

It might not have been something you wanted to hear, but it was not my intention for you to read it as a smart aleck comment.
I highlighted the part where you said you've talked to nice women but they looked like your mother, that says to me that you want a good looking girl. Which I thought was hypocritical because you complain about girls wanting only good looking men. I can only go on what you post, I don't know you. If you want someone the same age as you, that's fair enough, it's your business.
I'm a girl by the way, it won't do you any harm to read carefully (I don't expect you to agree) what someone of the opposite sex is saying seeing as you want to meet someone of the opposite sex. Playing the poor, wounded puppy just because I'm giving you my opinion is not at all attractive.

I'm reacting to what you have said, I'm not posting to make you feel bad or to hurt you. It's just my opinion, maybe right or it may be wrong.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Wibbs

Now maybe it's how you wrote it and I could be way off, but to me anyway you sound very rigid in your thinking and maybe that reflects in your encounters with women, on and offline. Now yes you got some answers that had the touch of :rolleyes: from them, but I can understand why. The feeling of rigid fussiness is not attractive to people in general, never mind women. Your age is no excuse either as I'm 41 and feel myself to less rigid than I was 10 years ago.

Again your intention may have been quite different and my intention is not to take the píss here, but if I was to conjure up a picture of you based on what you've written? I would picture someone old fashioned, easily emotionally offended, rigid and closed, a little naive about the ways of the world and women in particular, set in your ways and older than your years. Now that's cool if that's who you are, but it won't help you appeal to a large cross section of women. If you are on a dating site where you self describe like here then that could be why you're getting responses from older women.

Basically you don't sound fun to be with. Now you could be more fun than a barrel of kittens. I don't know, but impressions count. Your other qualities could be bloody wonderful, but they'll never find out if they write you off from the get go.

There are a lot of women your age that are single so it's just a question of getting out there. Maybe you need to explore new things, hobbies, things you wouldn't normally dream of doing. Learn more, especially about yourself. The day you stop learning and changing should be the day you die. If you do that before then, well you're just waiting to peg it.

evil-monkey

Ok, let me take this one step at a time and make sure I understand you properly;

"although she was fabulous looking, I couldn't see myself living with a girl who would fly off the handle at a moment's notice, for no rational reason."

hmmmm...if you find her, let us know where!!

"I found out later she was a smoker, which I hate, and which is a complete deal-breaker for me."

Right, but perfectly within her right to do if she chooses. And that's coming from a totally anti-smoker, and an asmathic!!

"but they look like my mother!"

I'm sure your mother would be delighted to hear that...

"Another thing I fail to understand is this national obsession with oral sex. I never found it appealing at all, and got zero pleasure from it."

Well just close your eyes and think of England!! Grey's Anatomy isn't fun either but sometimes we just have to suffer on for the greater good!!

"In all the few encounters I have had, I had no problems pleasuring a girl without doing that, that was confirmed to me!"

Did you ask??

"The only advice of any kind I ever got was that I need to change and be the kind of person most girls want."

I'm starting to see her point. I mean, to be fair, in the best possible way, you sound a bit controlling. Maybe that's something you should look at?? Like what did this girl, specifically, say you needed to change??

"I am strapped for cash, up to my neck in debt, with loads of bills to pay"

Hmmmm, probably as much, if not more, of a turn off than smoking if ya ask me...

00112984

You sound so needy. At 40 you can't afford to be so fussy if you genuinely want to settle down.

You have the right to dislike smoking, a woman has the right to like oral sex.

There's something very perturbing about your post. I think it's the way you refer to your previous partners as "girls", not "women". Do you recognise the fact that you're middle-aged now?

Time out

I think you should maybe lose the pre conditions and if you meet a girl just give it time and go out for a while. No one, including you (not that you said you were), is perfect. Get to know the girl and not her "traits" or "habits". Its is sooooo not about a girl that "ticks the boxes". I found that out the hard way.
On another point, I think calling women "girls" is kinda cool, whatever their age - think of that sitcom "The golden girls"

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm 40, male. I've only had one real relationship with a girl, that could be called as such. I am strapped for cash, up to my neck in debt, with loads of bills to pay, so I am not a great financial catch for a girl, but then if that's what she's looking for, then she is definitely not for me anyway.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you are not a good catch, so you either need to relax on your pickiness or sort out your problems. Certainly the fact that you've never been able to have a proper relationship with a girl has big alarm bells going off in my head.

If I were you, I'd do all the things I suggested earlier (getting fit, etc.) and I'd get some counselling to figure out why I am unable to have relationships with women (time is running out, give counselling a shot, worst case scenario it doesn't work) and I would also do whatever the hell it took to get myself into better financial shape.

As it stands, things don't look good, so you need to take drastic action.

LegacyUser

Well I'm a woman in my late 30s who was online dating for a couple of months (before meeting someone special on there). The ratio is not in your favour. There are lots more guys than girls on line in that age group. So here is my experience from the other side...

I only responded to guys who bothered to send a personal message, rather than a generic "hi there" or something. I only engaged in emails with guys who had a positive, funny profile. Sending a photo attached to an initial email smacks of desperation.

I most certainly wasn't looking for Brad Pitt, but I was looking for a man who had his sh*t sorted and was fun to be with.

I do think if you have been online for a couple of YEARS and getting nowhere, there is something very wrong with your profile or the way you correspond with women.

Gareth37

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm 40, male. I've only had one real relationship with a girl, that could be called as such. It lasted six months, and I ended it, because although she was fabulous looking, I couldn't see myself living with a girl who would fly off the handle at a moment's notice, for no rational reason. I am very relaxed and easygoing, hate rows and unpleasantness, and my girl would have to be the same. Life's too short for having silly rows about nothing.

Other than that, I had two purely sexual affairs, which lasted a year or so each, on a casual kind of basis. Each ended amicably, we both just moved on. I also had one one night stand, with a girl I met online, who told me she didn't smoke, but who I found out later was a smoker, which I hate, and which is a complete deal-breaker for me.

I don't want just a sexual affair. I want someone I can come home to, grab a hug, say 'How was your day?' and just relax in the comfort of having them around, without living in their pocket. In fact, sex is low on my list of priorities. I much prefer a cuddle and kiss, and am beginning to fear that years of sporadic sexual encounters have left me losing interest in sex altogether!

I've been on all the dating sites for a few years now, and have turned cold. Most girls seem to be online looking for Brad Pitt, and I'm sure Brad Pitt has no need of a dating website, other than as a handy way to score. Girls get very upset when they perceive these guys to be using and dropping them. Yet they completely ignore a guy like me. I get about one response for every thirty friendly messages I send. I'm not bad looking, very ordinary, but a photo attached almost guarantees no response!

I have had more response from ladies 45 plus than anyone else. I look much younger than my years, and I get responses from ladies who are probably very nice people, and I chat well with them, but they look like my mother! There's no kind way to put it. I have found some profiles who match my own very well, but in far too many cases, the ladies are smokers. That is the only, absolute, no-no. Why do so many ladies in Ireland still persist with such a horrible, foul-smelling habit? Their sense of smell and taste is dulled, so they seem blissfully unaware of how bad they smell to a non-smoker.

Another thing I fail to understand is this national obsession with oral sex. I never found it appealing at all, and got zero pleasure from it. It bored me more than anything else. Yet it seems to be a prerequisite for a relationship now. In all the few encounters I have had, I had no problems pleasuring a girl without doing that, that was confirmed to me!

The only advice of any kind I ever got was that I need to change and be the kind of person most girls want. Which to my mind means hide my true personality and put on a kind of false identity, which is surely not advisable? I am me, and honesty should stand for a lot, shouldn't it?

Anyway, I've been out of a relationship for nearly two years, I'm a bit lonely, but becoming settled as a single guy and starting to visualise myself as forever on my own. I am strapped for cash, up to my neck in debt, with loads of bills to pay, so I am not a great financial catch for a girl, but then if that's what she's looking for, then she is definitely not for me anyway.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Internet dating is a con job if you ask me. Most of the profiles are fake up by administrators of the websites in order to get people paying.

As for the genuine profiles most of the women on there are just stupid dips, as you say looking for Brad Pit to rescue them from their minimum pay/dole and drinking/drug/smoking filled lives.

username123

OP - If you dont have an open mind youre setting yourself up for failure from the outset.
You cant have constraints on what a person can and cant be like before you even meet them. Smokers, ok you dont like smoking, if someone isnt making YOU smoke then maybe you could lighten up?
Oral sex - I think youll find its going to be low on the list of priorities for a first date.
Financial issues - sort them out. No one wants to take on a financial burden.

All relationships need a bit of give and take, a bit of compromise.
Why dont you hook up with one of the 45 plus ladies - youre 40, its not a massive age gap?

It just seems to me that if you keep narrowing the horizon with stuff like, someone who isnt a smoker, who isnt into oral sex, who is my own age, who doesnt mind my financial circumstances etc.... then you will find very few people to fit into that narrow category. Maybe if you had a broader take on it you could meet more people and have some fun and not get hung up on the details until you get to know the person?

Mr. Presentable

I agree with Aarrrgh. Most of the mating game is a sales pitch. The goods need to be appealing to the customer. Consider your sales technique and how the goods are presented. Bear in mind that if you have a strong enough personality you can look like Hitler with scabies and still get a buyer

evil-monkey

AARRRGH wrote: »

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you are not a good catch

lol, i hate to say it, but that pretty much sums it up...get yourself in order and stop being so critical of women - especially your mother!!

RubyXI

Hi OP. I dont think it's fair to ask you to change your opinion because it's close to impossible. But you do have to realise that no relationship is perfect. When i was younger i used to say that i'd never date a smoker. But the guy i've been with for two and a half years is a smoker. Yes i nag him about it. But i wouldn't break up with him over it. There's things you won't like about everyone. You have to accept it and compromise a little. Like he very rarely smokes around me.
I also think what you said about ladies 45 plus being out of your range. I mean you are 40 aren't you? Thats not much of an age gap. These ladies are your contempories. Your generation. Not your mothers generation.

LegacyUser

Bloody hell, I'm not desperate for a relationship, I'm happy enough as I am. It used to worry me more than it does now. But I still keep my eye out for somebody I might like. That person will most likely not be more than three or four years older than me, and will most definitely be a non-smoker. That's all. That's hardly fussy, is it? I only asked if anyone else felt similar.

Sorry if my attitude doesn't come across too well on an internet forum board, I'm quite a nice guy when you meet me in person! But if the response here is anything to go by, I won't post again. I can only figure that you guys read this board when you come in from a hard day's slog, and probably a long commute thrown in too, and are a tad wound up...

PS, I make NO apologies for hating smoking. It's disgusting. People who smoke smell awful. I'm cool with that, you should be too.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Unregistered wrote: »

e. That person will most likely not be more than three or four years older than me, and will most definitely be a non-smoker. That's all. That's hardly fussy, is it?

No What is the point of being with someone who does not attract you

PS, I make NO apologies for hating smoking. It's disgusting

+1 instant turn off