I threw it away and im suffering

LegacyUser

hi,

I need to get this out somewhere before i explode inside. I was seeing this wonderful girl for 5 years. completely besotted with her from the beginning, we were such a nice couple. For some reason i always kept her at a distance, away from my friends and I would never open completely to her. She was everything i wanted in a girl, kind hearted, caring, beautiful, i really lovely person. would never hurt anyone.

anyway, over the years i guess it took its toll on our relationship with me being like this. I never really addressed the issue of me being like that, i kinda of avoided it. So at the beginning of the summer we were so distant and fighting so much i ended it. I said all the things I knew she didnt want to hear and none of which i meant! I only said it to try to make her not want me. She was devastated and was ringing me for weeks and months and i couldnt talk to her and hear how much pain she was in. she learned to move on with her life, we were in some contact over the past few weeks.

Then suddenly, I wake up, i realise im the worlds biggest fool, I cant move from my bed, i cant think, anything i do think is about her. Im sick to the core over what ive done. I had this wonderful girl who was willing to give me her world and i threw it back in her face. we were two good people that never did eachother any harm.

I know I dont deserve her now and we have talked and she has told me i pushed her so far that she has lost the love she had for me. My world this week has come crashing down around me, im losing it big time and gone into self destruct mode. Im barely getting any work done, constant headaches, dropped out of a night course i was doing.

I guess im not looking for the magic cure here, i just wish the pain could go away, I really really want her back and I know I would change I would make her the centre of my world. I have the same feelings now as i did when i first met her and it kills me that this is all my fault. I have really fu*cked up big time and im really going to suffer the consequences of this and i dont know if i can handle it. this shouldnt have ended this way. i cant see anywasy of getting my mind off this. im worried im going to fall apart. the worse part is i know i deserve this and thats a bitter pill to swallow.

missbusy

You can fix this. It might take patience and time , but you can.

I was in a very similar situation with my boyfriend, he was the same as you, and we broke up, and when i eventually moved on, he came back and said the same things you just have.
I thought i had moved on and couldn't go back, but he stayed around, being patient and proving to me in little ways that he did want this more than anything.

We were broke up for 8 months - and now we're stronger than ever.

I believe you can have this girl back. He love for you did not just disappear. Yes, she hurt and yes a lot has been said between you etc.... but I think, and i hope , that you can fix this.

I really feel for you on this one, coz i know its not easy.

Be patient. Be considerate. Be there for her.

Good Luck

tbh

listen man, this is just one of these things that we all go through. The lesson here is not to stay with someone you don't want to be with, it's that when you break up with someone, treat them with a bit of respect. This happens a lot on PI, people say that they treated their ex like crap. The thing is, when you are with someone that you don't want to be with, but you think they are sound etc etc, it's very difficult to hurt them. What tends to happen is that you feel the pressure of wanting to break up with them, but you can't bring yourself to do it, so you snap. It's not big and it's not clever, but it's happened to loads before you and it will to loads after you.

So, moving forward. It doesn't look like you're going to get back with this girl, and that's ok. It feels like you'll never meet anyone like this girl again, and you've blown your only chance of happiness, but you will and you haven't.

You're feeling very guilty now, and that guilt will fade. The lesson to take forward is, if you need to break up with someone, let them keep their dignity and don't say anything you'll regret.

Don't worry too much about this. It doesn't make you a bad person. You should definitely apologise to the girl, and tell her you accept you won't be getting back together but you hope at some stage you can be friends again. And then get on with your life.

AngryBadger

Hey OP,

I can in some ways relate to what you did. Not getting into any details, but I invest/have in vested a lot of energy in avoiding emotional connections to all kinds of people in my life, and very recently it almost cost me something amazing.

Normally I'd say let sleeping dogs lie, because I would usually be of the opinion that one party was just messing the other around. However in this instance I think you need to give her time. I don't know exactly what you said, and I don't know if there's any possibility of her relenting and giving you another chance. But you were together 5 years, and I have to believe she obviously felt very strongly for you if she was with you for that length of time, but you obviously hurt her incredibly when you said whatever you said.

Maybe someone else on here will have a better suggestion, but all I can think of is that maybe you could write her a letter detailing what has changed, but finishing by saying that you understand how much you've hurt her, that you would do anything for a chance to make things right but that you understand if she just wants you to leave her alone.

Best of luck OP, I hope she decides to give you another chance.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies,

I did pour my heart out to her the other day and told her how sorry i was for saying the things i said and that I didnt mean one word of it. I know I can't expect her to say ok, i forgive you now.

Shes knows im sorry and in some ways i think she has gotten some closure from it as she now knows it was nothing she done. Its just i suppose i always thought of myself as a family man by around 30ish and i only ever saw her being in my life, 3 years away from that now and its just hard to accept that I have to go through all this again and find someone that rocks my world as much as she does( but first i have to try and forget her).


i learned a hard lesson and your right im not the first or that last. of course i have to hope that months down the line she might realise she still loves me but that may never happen ...

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

but you obviously hurt her incredibly when you said whatever you said.

I was so unsure what i wanted at the time, i wasn't in a good place mentally and i needed space. I thought it was best to end it. But of course she was really hurt and wanted answers that i couldnt give. So eventually i said i didnt love her (which wasnt true), i said i didnt see her in my future (wasnt true), i didnt want the same things she wanted (wasnt true) etc etc. It was like i went into self destruct mode. I realise now these are awful things to say to your partner who loved and you adored you for 5 years.

i bow my head in shame for what ive done.

Curvy Vixen

Leaving aside anything that may have gone on with this particular girl, would you consider seeing a counsellor or something to stop you doing it again.

You sound like me a few years ago...I felt that I didn't really deserve nice stuff that happened to me and managed to sabatage it any way I could. I was really reluctant to let anyone in to my world and my heart whilst putting on a pretence that everything was fine and 'normal'.

There were various reasons for that some of which were blindingly obvious and some of which hit me out of the blue after some sessions with a great counsellor.

You can regret what happened with this girl whilst ensuring that your life from here on in improves...

Karen_*

imhurting wrote: »

i learned a hard lesson and your right im not the first or that last. of course i have to hope that months down the line she might realise she still loves me but that may never happen ...

She might not come back but if she's meant for you then she willl. And some good has come out of it in that going forward you recognise what you need to change and won't make the same mistake again. You'll be fine. Heartache and loss happens to us all. Its horrible to have to go through it but very often its for the best although hard to see at the time.

AngryBadger

imhurting wrote: »

I was so unsure what i wanted at the time, i wasn't in a good place mentally and i needed space. I thought it was best to end it. But of course she was really hurt and wanted answers that i couldnt give. So eventually i said i didnt love her (which wasnt true), i said i didnt see her in my future (wasnt true), i didnt want the same things she wanted (wasnt true) etc etc. It was like i went into self destruct mode. I realise now these are awful things to say to your partner who loved and you adored you for 5 years.

i bow my head in shame for what ive done.

I don't know if it helps at all OP but I've been there, and I've done that. So you're not alone in making this mistake, or in thinking it was the only way out when you amde it. Best of luck!

TradeSecrets

OP,
I was in the same situation. We broke up twice and the last time was for a year and a half where we both took a look at what we wanted out of life and if that meant being together. Now I am a year married to the same girl and I couldn't be happier. It will take time but you will also have to surrender to the relationship. Being happy with what you have is the key. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I guess I'm in a similar situation to your girlfriend, as my ex-boyfriend has just come back all apologies after breaking up with me out of the blue two months ago. Your ex is probably completely confused. In order to get over you, she may have convinced herself that she is better off without you, and obviously it will be difficult for her to change her mind again. I don't know whether to trust my ex again, or whether the same thing will happen the next time he gets freaked out over something. I suppose my only advice would be not to hound her too much, as she might resent you for upsetting the new life she's made for herself. I think misbusy's advice is right on target - prove to her that you mean it by being patient and understanding and undemanding of her. Also make sure that you don't guilt her into taking you back, as she may only resent it in the long run. My problem at the moment with my ex is that I can't help but feel like he is calling all the shots. When he wants to break up, we break up. now that he's decided we should get back together, we should get back together. So maybe your ex might be feeling like that to. You sound like you really do regret it though so best of luck.

tbh

imhurting wrote: »

i bow my head in shame for what ive done.

if you head is too bowed, you won't be able to see what's in front of you!
don't beat yourself up man, it's no crime to make a mistake, just don't repeat it. I'm a great believer in "whats meant to be will happen", so there's no point in torturing yourself. PS - I'm getting married in six months, I met my missus when I was 29, I'm 34 now. You've LOADS of time.

St Bill

Your ex might or might not come back to you, there's nothing else you can do about it now. You've apologised for what you've done and now it's up to her whether she's able and willing to trust you again.
At least you got something out of this, you might feel like crap now but you've realised that what you did was unacceptable. It's the start of you getting better. Give yourself a bit of space to get better, enjoy your family and friends. You'll get through this, it'll just take a bit of time.
Good luck

jellie

I think you should just leave her alone. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear.

But you sound a bit like my ex is at the moment.

He broke up with me at the end of may, so probably a similar time to you. I took it pretty badly & it took me quite a while to pull myself together. Its only really in the last month im starting to feel like im ACTUALLY beginning to get over him.

& as if he has some radar for this, hes now decided he wants me back. admittedly you seem to be handling it better than him. But have you any idea how it feels to hear all the things you wouldve killed to hear 3 months ago when youre only starting to feel ok again? i wouldve done anything to hear him tell me he now realises hes made a mistake & he had the right girl & would give anything to have me back. But now thats exactly what i DONT want to hear. Part of me still loves him, but ive spent so long getting over him & dealing with my feelings i just cant start dealing with his now too. Id imagine your ex is feeling similar.

So leave her alone. youve said your piece, she knows how you feel. if she wants you back she knows where you are. Harassing her (im not saying you are!) will only make the situation worse.

LegacyUser

sar84 wrote: »

I think you should just leave her alone. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear.

But you sound a bit like my ex is at the moment.

He broke up with me at the end of may, so probably a similar time to you. I took it pretty badly & it took me quite a while to pull myself together. Its only really in the last month im starting to feel like im ACTUALLY beginning to get over him.

& as if he has some radar for this, hes now decided he wants me back. admittedly you seem to be handling it better than him. But have you any idea how it feels to hear all the things you wouldve killed to hear 3 months ago when youre only starting to feel ok again? i wouldve done anything to hear him tell me he now realises hes made a mistake & he had the right girl & would give anything to have me back. But now thats exactly what i DONT want to hear. Part of me still loves him, but ive spent so long getting over him & dealing with my feelings i just cant start dealing with his now too. Id imagine your ex is feeling similar.

So leave her alone. youve said your piece, she knows how you feel. if she wants you back she knows where you are. Harassing her (im not saying you are!) will only make the situation worse.

god i hate good advice, my ex finished with me about 4 months ago after going out for nearly 5 years, we still keep in contact occasionally, didn't end on really bad terms or anything, but what i wouldn't do to have her back, so many things now i wish i had of said at the time, i obviously still havent moved on, which is a bad thing for me, but i know deep down that the worst thing i could do, is tell her how much i want her back...she wanted to take a break from the relationship, i wont do myself any favours by keep asking her how she feels now etc....hardest thing i have ever done, hating it!!!

LegacyUser

hey,

thanks for the replies, it was really helpful to hear peoples thoughts on this, I appreciate peoples honesty on it even if some of it was hard to swallow, but i guess thats the reality of it all. i know its a cliche but its true you really dont know what you have until its gone.