Insensitive, or am I a spoilt brat?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, can I get your opinions on something here?

Earlier on today I had appointment with a psychiatrist in St Patricks Hospital in Dublin, about being admitted to an anxiety treatment program in the hospital. Over the weekend I was talking about it with my boyfriend, and he asked me how I'd get up there, as I live down the country, and I said I'd either get the train or maybe my mum and step-dad would drive me up, as they have the week off and they were talking about getting started with their christmas shopping in Dublin. He said he was sorry he couldn't drive me up because he was working, but I didn't mind, I told him it was grand, I had other ways of getting up. Then the other day he text me and said his shifts had been changed in work, and he would drive me up, to which I said cool, as we don't usually have the same days off, and we could have a nice day together.

So he picks me up this morning, and he knows I'm nervous, he keeps telling me to relax and not to worry etc. When we get up to the hospital I had to wait a while before my appointment so we were sitting there chatting, and he made a joke about me paying for parking, to which I smiled and said ok. Then he starts saying I'm spoilt (all kind of in a joking way, but meaning it at the same time) and that he can't wait till I finish studying and start 'working properly' (I'm actually in full time employment for the last year, while I save more to go back to college), and it will be a big eye-opener for me. I told him that I don't like when he talks to me like that because it comes across as quite patronising and it makes me feel like a child. Then he has a go at me for not offering to pay for his petrol for the drive up and back. I was pretty shocked....he's my boyfriend, and he offered to drive me up, I didn't ask him to, and he's saying this to me, upsetting me, right before I go in to see a psychiatrist, which he knows I'm pretty anxious about. I don't know what to think.... should I have said 'sorry honey, do you want me to give you some money for petrol?', or am I right to be a little pee'd off, and of the view that he was a bit of an insensitive so and so?

Sangre

Without knowing anything about either of you two. Juding by your boyfriends comments not offering to pay for petrol was the straw that broke the camels back. He probably feels he is constantly paying for things too often and this time was once too much (after he drove you up). Who knows whether he is right to feel this or not.

homerun_homer

He offered, he shouldn't be asking. If I offer a lift that is a long journey to a friend then I don't expect to be paid unless I specifically say "I'll give you a lift if you pay for petrol".

metamorphic

He's hoping for a partnership what he has at the moment is, in his mind, uneven.

LegacyUser

Sangre wrote: »

Without knowing anything about either of you two. Juding by your boyfriends comments not offering to pay for petrol was the straw that broke the camels back. He probably feels he is constantly paying for things too often and this time was once too much (after he drove you up). Who knows whether he is right to feel this or not.

I'd agree with the above, sounds like there's a deeper underlying issue there, and he just happened to take that opportunity to vent.

jimmypitt

Crazy_Girl wrote: »

Hi guys, can I get your opinions on something here?

Earlier on today I had appointment with a psychiatrist in St Patricks Hospital in Dublin, about being admitted to an anxiety treatment program in the hospital. Over the weekend I was talking about it with my boyfriend, and he asked me how I'd get up there, as I live down the country, and I said I'd either get the train or maybe my mum and step-dad would drive me up, as they have the week off and they were talking about getting started with their christmas shopping in Dublin. He said he was sorry he couldn't drive me up because he was working, but I didn't mind, I told him it was grand, I had other ways of getting up. Then the other day he text me and said his shifts had been changed in work, and he would drive me up, to which I said cool, as we don't usually have the same days off, and we could have a nice day together.

So he picks me up this morning, and he knows I'm nervous, he keeps telling me to relax and not to worry etc. When we get up to the hospital I had to wait a while before my appointment so we were sitting there chatting, and he made a joke about me paying for parking, to which I smiled and said ok. Then he starts saying I'm spoilt (all kind of in a joking way, but meaning it at the same time) and that he can't wait till I finish studying and start 'working properly' (I'm actually in full time employment for the last year, while I save more to go back to college), and it will be a big eye-opener for me. I told him that I don't like when he talks to me like that because it comes across as quite patronising and it makes me feel like a child. Then he has a go at me for not offering to pay for his petrol for the drive up and back. I was pretty shocked....he's my boyfriend, and he offered to drive me up, I didn't ask him to, and he's saying this to me, upsetting me, right before I go in to see a psychiatrist, which he knows I'm pretty anxious about. I don't know what to think.... should I have said 'sorry honey, do you want me to give you some money for petrol?', or am I right to be a little pee'd off, and of the view that he was a bit of an insensitive so and so?

Anxiety Treatment Programme? Was does this exactly mean? Is it do to do with panic attacks by any chance? I have a buddy who suffers from these big time and i was just wondering what the programme was about?

Teddi

he wants his cake and eat it too..

i.e , look like the hero of the day whilst wanting to show his domineering side..

I believe he was out of line..It was he who was insensitive and not you, he should have compensated his point of view for the situation in hand and kept his mouth shut tbh.

I can understand why he might have mentioned about the petrol as it came out of his pocket, but you can't say such a thing after offering the lift, thats not on.

Tell him he was out of line, and he wasnt supportive in the least, apart from the lift up. personally.If I had any such comments, I'd have at least left them to be said once I got home with my g/f, when the ordeal had subsided.

hope you feel better OP

MagicMarker

I have to say, after years of driving people about, i've never asked for petrol money. If i were driving a super long distance then it would be nice if it were offered, but i'd never expect it from a girlfriend, she can pay me in other ways:D...

Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of an ass.

Kintarō Hattori

Well as sangre has mentioned it's difficult to comment without knowing more but:

He does come across as an insensitive twat having a go at you right before you go and see the doctor. Also he did seem fairly insistant that he would drive you up and seeing as he offered there should be no way that you need to contribute towards the cost.

To be honest it was fairly insensitive and you should take him to task about his lack of timing.

LegacyUser

To answer sangre.... I would be very surprised if he is feeling like that, due to the fact that we rarely do things together. We don't get to see each other very often, and whenever I used to suggest doing things he'd usually say he couldn't afford it. Of course I offered to pay my half, I absolutely don't expect my boyfriends to pay for things for me. Hell, for his birthday earlier in the year I save like mad and paid for both of us to go to Venice. If I offered to pay for both of us he'd say no, cos he doesn't like that. So mostly when we see each other we stay in and watch tv, or a dvd. Even if he had said, when he offered to drive me up, if I could chip in for the petrol I wouldn't have minded that much, but to have a go at me about it just before my appointment, I thought was very insensitive. The thing that makes me laugh is that if he hadn't had driven me up today, he probably would have gone to work, which is in Dublin, so he would have been making the same journey anyway, hehe.

smares

If he offered to drive you,then no way should you have to offer petrol money. I would never expect someone to give me petrol money. I think he was fairly mean to start saying this to you right before you went in.He should of been happy to drive you so he could support you

seahorse

I'm not saying he didnt have his reasons (because maybe he had) but Jaysus, while waiting with you to see the psychiatrist about being admitted to an anxiety treatment program?! - He really knows how to pick his moments! He sounds very insensitive to me and I'd question if this is the sort of attitude you need to be dealing with in a partner right now.

SpookyDoll

The thing that makes me laugh is that if he hadn't had driven me up today, he probably would have gone to work, which is in Dublin, so he would have been making the same journey anyway, hehe.

He sounds a bit tight tbh, if he would have used the same amount of petrol going to work in Dublin anyway. Plus, it was him who insisted on bringing you.

I give lifts to people long and short distances all the time. If I am going that way anyway Im delighted to save someone the hassle!
If I offer to go out of my way for someone I never would expect be "be paid" for petrol....after all I offered in the first place!

He sounds petty in my opinion and also insensitive with him timing to say the least.

LegacyUser

Jimmypitt.... I'm being admitted into it for social anxiety and panic attacks, but the lady I spoke to today told me there would be people with all different types of anxiety in the program. It runs for 4-6 weeks, 3 days a week, and the individual CBT might run a bit longer, but maybe only once every fortnight, as far as I can make out. The great thing about it for me is that its covered by health insurance. I was referred to it by a psychiatrist I saw at the Dean Clinic. The thing I'm most worried about at the moment is telling my boss I need the time off!:)

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like he's a bit mean.

I would never ask my OH for petrol money- she can offer if she wants. Mates- I probably would ask alright but not a missus.

She Devil

My OH would never ask, he used to drive from dublin to waterford and back twice a week for me and never once complained .... I hate people who are mean! There is absolutely no need for it.

Blazer

Crazy_Girl wrote: »

Hi guys, can I get your opinions on something here?

Earlier on today I had appointment with a psychiatrist in St Patricks Hospital in Dublin, about being admitted to an anxiety treatment program in the hospital. Over the weekend I was talking about it with my boyfriend, and he asked me how I'd get up there, as I live down the country, and I said I'd either get the train or maybe my mum and step-dad would drive me up, as they have the week off and they were talking about getting started with their christmas shopping in Dublin. He said he was sorry he couldn't drive me up because he was working, but I didn't mind, I told him it was grand, I had other ways of getting up. Then the other day he text me and said his shifts had been changed in work, and he would drive me up, to which I said cool, as we don't usually have the same days off, and we could have a nice day together.

So he picks me up this morning, and he knows I'm nervous, he keeps telling me to relax and not to worry etc. When we get up to the hospital I had to wait a while before my appointment so we were sitting there chatting, and he made a joke about me paying for parking, to which I smiled and said ok. Then he starts saying I'm spoilt (all kind of in a joking way, but meaning it at the same time) and that he can't wait till I finish studying and start 'working properly' (I'm actually in full time employment for the last year, while I save more to go back to college), and it will be a big eye-opener for me. I told him that I don't like when he talks to me like that because it comes across as quite patronising and it makes me feel like a child. Then he has a go at me for not offering to pay for his petrol for the drive up and back. I was pretty shocked....he's my boyfriend, and he offered to drive me up, I didn't ask him to, and he's saying this to me, upsetting me, right before I go in to see a psychiatrist, which he knows I'm pretty anxious about. I don't know what to think.... should I have said 'sorry honey, do you want me to give you some money for petrol?', or am I right to be a little pee'd off, and of the view that he was a bit of an insensitive so and so?

He sounds like a langer to me...dump him and there's a lot of your anxiety gone I'd say..from your post you don't even come across as one bit spoilt.

Gone Drinking

If things went down exactly how you've described, your boyfriend would seem like a bit of a tosser.

But personally, id say there's more to this story.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
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Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Time out

Hey, dont think you are spoilt or insensitive. I think when one partner is maybe supporting the other a bit (if that is your situation) all they want is to feel a bit appreciated for what they are doing as sometimes, with the best will in the world, the appreciation is not forthcoming. Dont get me wrong its not about saying thank you every day but a word here or there works wonders I think.
On the petrol - defo out of line asking you for cash but maybe it was just out of frustration at a lack of appreciation.

homerun_homer

homerun_homer wrote: »

He offered, he shouldn't be asking. If I offer a lift that is a long journey to a friend then I don't expect to be paid unless I specifically say "I'll give you a lift if you pay for petrol".

i wudnt offer to a friend if i thought they wudnt offer to split petrol..

it sounds lik ur boyfriend thinks he works loads and then gets kinda taken advantage by people who he thinks doesn't work. this is exactly how i feel since i started working when all my friends are poor.. he musta just been havin a bad week to actually say it to ya. i'd let it go..

John Mason

I ask my OH for petrol money all the time. It is only fair. Us drivers are stuck with the costs of maintenance, road tax, insurance while other people just sit there and get ferried around.

Yes, you are being selfish

pink fluffy bunny

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

I ask my OH for petrol money all the time. It is only fair. Us drivers are stuck with the costs of maintenance, road tax, insurance while other people just sit there and get ferried around.

Yes, you are being selfish

How is being selfish?? He offered to drive her up, she didn't ask, he brought it up and then he contacted her to offer, she is clearly not a selfish person judging by the rest of her posts....

If you always expected him to pay for everything then yeh, of course you would be selfish but jeeze, he's your partner, and presumably, not only did he offer to drive you to make it easier for you to get there, but also to give you support as it's clearly not an easy thing to be going to see a psychiatrist. I'm sorry, but he sounds like he was being an ass.....

Redpunto

Defo would not expect anybody to whom I give a lift to to pay for the petrol, if it was a long distance then an offer might be nice or a pint, but to offer then have a go bout not paying is below the belt.

Silverfish

Times I don't ask people for petrol money:

1 ) When I offer them a lift

2) when I am going that way anyway.

3) When I want to bring my car

4) when they are in dire need of it, i.e crisis.

5) if they ask nicely.

He was being a bit insensitive alright.

I remember before being asked for money for petrol. On a date, he insisted on bringing the car as it was raining. He then asked me for petrol money, and half the parking fare. It only got worse from there.
It ended up one night we were going to his xmas party, (we lived together) , he brought the car, I got the bus, as it worked out cheaper. That was the point when I knew it was doomed to failure.

Times when i don't ask people for petrol money;

When I drive

Like silverfish said, the offer of a pint or whatever is fine.

Alice1

Only saw this thread now - you're not spoilt. Your boyfriend is at the least insensitive and at most a tight git.
Best of luck with your treatment honey.