7 years on - Drink, confused and hurt

LegacyUser

Hi all,
beginning like a lot of regulars.. going unregged for this one and would appreciae your advice and opinions please.

I have been with my partner for 7 years, we live together, I am very close to her family and things have been on the whole very good. We have what I believed is a strong, supportive and trusting relationship with each other.

Lately howver things have gotten messy and complicated and I really domt know where I stand right now. A few weeks back and good friend of mine whom she had a brief relationship years back with said they were delighted that the two of us were getting on great etc. I was happy to hear this until I heard the rest.. "after all the times she told me you weren't right togther and wasnt sure about your future.. I'm sorry I hurt her feelings when she asked me to be with her.." Shocked as you can imagine but as we all had a few dreinks I left it and bought it up the next day when we were sober. Now this person is known for being mixed up (alot at times!) and my girlfriend swore she never said such a thing, the person is playing games etc. I believed her and trusted her response as it does not make ANY sense on any level to the relationship that we have.

Roll on another week, we have friends visiting. I return late from a family function and the house party is in full swing, great craic. My girlfriend is extremely drunk, knocking glasses, stumbling around the place. Being stone sober I asked her discreetly to mind herself (we have a HUGE stone fireplace.. not good obstacle!) She gets peed off with me (fair enough). She proceeds to knock wine over etc - we've all done it no big deal. UNTIL I hear her telling one of our friends whom she had an affair with (not when we were together, prior to us) that she wasnt sure we were right togther, that she still loves them and regrets that they didnt give things a go when they had the chance.

Now, when I say party, there are only 4 of us in the room and the 4th person knbows NOTHING of the affair they had. I ask her to be a little discreet and distract the situation away from the obvious so as not to ruin 2 relationships in one night. Thnkfully I was sober and able to see there was no sense addressing it to a room of people who had been drinking for 5 hours!

Next day I tell her everything. What she said, crawling drunk on her hands and knees etc in front of our friends. For the first time she admites she may have a problem with drink and I arranged for us to go to a AAmeeting together and see what we see and hear and take it from there.

I do not want to leave her, we ahev a great relationship 99% of the time. Yes, she has admitted there is a problem with deink (there ahve been incidencies at family weddings, parties etc, one resulting in A&E when she fell). I am willing to support and get through this because she is worth it and we are worth it.

However, I am worried about the things I heard her say. Maybe its just all drink talk. SHe denied the story the first person told me but had NO recollection of the love she professed for the other person and her doubts about me - how do I know who on earth is telling the truth??

Thanks for listening to my rant (phew) and apologies for the long post. I will support her but I am a little in shock and have serious doubts about her true feelings for me after the last few weeks. She swears she doesn't know why she said those things, its not how she feels... but to hear such similar things TWICE with different people must mean something??

Headwrecked!

Zillah

That's a very complicated situation. Personally, if I heard my partner telling someone else they regretted being with me and wished they had been with them, drunk or no, I'd be out the door in a second. Or she would, on her ass.

You say she denied the first incident and claimed no memory of the second...have you asked her about the issue itself? Sober and lucid, have you asked her if she regrets being with you? If she's evasive or says yes then I would once again be out the door.

She also had an affair in a previous relationship? And she's an alcoholic who embarrasses herself and you.

She sounds like a nightmare. Granted I haven't invested seven years of my life with her but it really sounds like she's an unpleasant harpy and you should get rid of her.

jessbeth

Some of the most stupid mistakes I've made, I've made while intoxicated and that isn't even a thing that happens often. I just realised that some of the major stupid things I've done or said have been done under the influence. Drink doesn't let you see clearly. If she's admitted that she has a problem and is willing to go to AA and make an effort then I would cut her some slack. Ask her cold sober if she really has feelings for the other guy etc and tell her blankly that if it happens again you're out the door. There is no problem in setting some boundaries. Everybody has to live by some rules in a relationship and you can tell her how upset and hurt you were when you heard her say these things and would rather not have such a situation in your future together.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. She is a really great person and yes, these incidencies have ONLY occured when she has gotten drunk (and very drunk at that). Im not perfect, none of us are, and certainly won't be taking the moral highground on that level.

She had a hardtime growing up in what was to the rest of the world a pefect household but was at home hard with an absuive and drunken father. I fully understand the effect this has had (and obviuosly still does) and for that reason we together are going to see how to make things better. AA seems to be the first point of call and we will take it from there. We discussed all this with her mum over the weekend, so its not something she or I take lightly.

She genuinely has no recollection of what she said to our friend and the 3 of us discussed it together maturely and openly and I don't feel threatened or insecure on that account.

What seems to be playing on mind though is the possiblility that she has doubts about us and wont be honest. She is hugely remorseful, knows we have taken a huge dent and pleads with me to believe her when she says she is 100% sure about ut... but I'm putting up a guard and not entirely convinced. Is this wrong of me?

jessbeth

I think you're right. Everybody is human and everybody makes mistakes. I wouldn't think that she is doubting your relationship. Alcohol impairs the brain and makes you stupid. I wouldn't ever trust anything anyone says when they are drunk. It's also a depressant and sometimes it makes it difficult to see the wood from all the trees. Anyway I would suggest just having a little heart to heart. That should ease your mind. I can understand that you would be hurt by what she said. I would be too and it would play on my mind as well. Talk it out. She will then surely set your mind at ease. She wouldn't be with you if she didn't love you. No self respecting woman stays with a guy just because she's afraid to leave. Just ask straight out and explain why this all upset you. It doesn't have to be a row, just a conversation :-) Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Yes, we've discussed it openly and honestly and it appears she is as bewildered and hurt by her own words as I am. I am doing my best to be supportive and help her through all this but I have a huge nagging doubt about us now that I can't seem to shift.

Maybe the AA meetings may help. I dont intend to run out the door just because we have issues to deal with - to me thats not what being in a relationship is about. I am finding it hard to fully trust her though. I guess its to be expected and hopefully we might get that back in time?..

Phew - its good to rant!

How Strange

OP, I'd say that sometimes the truth does come out when we're drunk simply because we don't know what we're saying.

I think you really need to broach this again with your partner. Consider counselling if necessary but listen to your gut instinct which is telling you that something is wrong.

Your partner may have a drink problem but ask yourself why someone would say they have doubts about their partner if they have no doubts at all. She can't fully hide behind drink as an excuse for what she said.

I'm sorry if that upsets you but considering you've heard the same thing twice, once from her and the other time second hand, I would give it some credence.

username123

Op - AA will help your lady deal with her demons but if you have been living with alcoholic behaviour for a number of years then you need help too. There is an organisation similar to AA but its for people affected by someone elses alcoholism, its called Alanon - if you get in touch with them they will give you times of local meetings and maybe itd be no harm to go along to one?

About the behaviour while drunk - Id be inclined to think take all words with a pinch of salt when the person speaking them is drunk. You'll only wreck your own head worrying about the what ifs.

I think if your missus gets the alcohol problem sorted youll find that the other stuff will take care of itself as the relationship strengthens from the 2 of ye dealing with the root issues.

I think you are right in saying that if you work on issues you will get the trust back in time.

Hope things work out.

TheZohanS

It really sounds as if your girlfriend wishes she was with that other guy. Think about it; your girlfriend getting drunk and saying what she did proves that what your friend told you was true.

Drink can make you do crazy things, but there has to be a certain amount of crazy there to begin with.

Alcohol, and drugs, amplifies what we are really feeling or thinking.

I think you need to take a time out here and have a look at what's really going on before its too late.