Are relationships a thing of the past?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Been out on a couple of dates now and it seems when you mention a relationship to a guy he is gone like the wind!! What do guys want? They confuse wanting a relationship with being desperate!! I give up!!

projectmayhem

Circumstantial tbh. Some guys just want a bit of nookie at the end of a night, and some want to feel it out. After a few dates maybe isn't the best time to mention relationships (again, this is circumstantial).

I like being in relationships personally (though not right now as a recent dumpee ) but it's much nicer to have them grow naturally then have to sit down and discuss the idea of being in one.

Sometimes when you do mention one it does seem desperate as the word conjours up images of children, marriage and the like.

Just feel it out, find someone you like and vice versa, then let it grow naturally. The rest will take care of itself, so to say.

towel401

those guys are most likely scumbags. so you`re not missing out

Liam Byrne

towel401 wrote: »

those guys are most likely scumbags. so you`re not missing out

That's a bit unfair, because it depends on timing & age & a load of other things. A "relationship" should feel natural, shouldn't it ?

I know I'm speaking as a serial monogamist [sp?] whereby if I'm with one person, then I'm with them, and wouldn't be into the SATC style "dating" a group of different people different days/weekends......but I also remember meeting up with someone and arranging a date, then meeting up with them unplanned in-between and they introduced me as their boyfriend !!!!

Oddly enough, I hung in there on that one.....more fool me in retrospect, but apart from a really crap "WTF ?" ending there was enough of a decent stretch in between to make me - initially at least - happy enough that I hadn't legged it at the first hurdle. Sorry later, but that's another story!!! :rolleyes:

Also remember liking someone (fun, lightweight, nothing serious) but from chats and hints she sounded like she'd be on for meeting different people different nights (not saying that WAS the case, but it sounded / felt like it) and that's a no-no too....

So if it's a big discussion then yeah, it does come across as a bit desperate or teenager-like, and if you need to ask then it's usually a sign that you're not sure enough of the person.

Diddler82

Just dont get ahead of yourself, golden rule!

I am one of these people who can imagine what life will be like with someone a couple of years down the road when I first meet them and it is ridiculous! People don't like talking about this stuff, they throw up a barrier immediately and I have learned this the hard way!!

I have learned to take a step back, treat each time you are with them as a learning process and you are getting to know a bit about them...the hints will come from them. Don't be too cold and avoid discussing friends relationships/relations in general but dont go OTT. If you just take your time you will soon figure out what you are getting yourself in for.

One no-no as mentioned by LiamByrne - Don't try and play the other people card, make it clear with subtle hints (if its the case) that you are seeing them exclusively. Things will be made clear soon enough!!

Faith

Why would you be mentioning relationships that early on? I'd imagine if you started harping on to a guy on (say) your second date about being in a relationship, in his mind he thinks you'll be at him for an engagement ring in a matter of months.

I was seeing my (now) boyfriend for 2 months or so before we discussed being in a proper relationship with each other.

homerun_homer

As long as people aren't leading the other person on (with dates and meeting up) then I don't think relationship talk should be brought up. If you go out with the person enough and know you are both liking each other's company then you'll both wake up one of the days and realise you spend enough time with each other, don't want it to change and you'll know you are in a relationship.
Talking about it has it's problems since everyone's opinion on when is too early to bring it up is different and it can end up throwing a spanner in the works and ruin what could be a good thing.

pwd

yes nothing more offputting than someone being too keen.

Wibbs

Ok now this is my take and feel free to rip it to shreds....

It really depends on the guy, but I would reckon that a lot of guys just don't like the relationship speech too early as it commits them too early and they get bored. They hear relationship and they translate(rightly) as commitment and exclusivity. It's generally not that they have commitment phobia either. The amount of women I've heard describe a guy as commitment phobic then watch him marry the next woman he's with. Some guys who have been happily with and committed to their partner for years still don't like relationship talk. Now some guys will jump on the commitment bandwagon early. I personally would distrust that too as I have noted that people who jump in very quickly have a nasty habit of jumping out just as quickly.

Maybe it depends on the stage of life you're in. If it's teenage type relationships, that subconsciously you both know this isn't marriage and kids, then it's less of an issue. If you're in your 30's then it may feel like you're mapping out his future too. He may be thinking the same but doesn't want it spelled out.

IMHO it comes down to a simple thing; boredom. Sooner or later everyone in every relationship gets bored to one degree or other. Now if you're lucky that passes or is not noticed because the dynamic shifts again through working at it, but in the early stages it's death. Relationship talk basically tells the guy he has you and that the challenge is gone and he may get bored on the back of it. It may feel like fear to him, but I reckon it's fear of boredom. Being too "keen" = lack of challenge = boredom

Now men(and women) like challenge to different degrees as individuals, but they like some. This is not that dissimilar to the speed a woman decides to sleep with a guy. A subject in itself. If you sleep with a guy the first night, then chances are good it's not as likely to last by comparison to waiting a little longer(regardless of what he says or "moral" issues or any of that guff). Why? Because the challenge in at least one area of the relationship is gone. It can go the other way too. How many women have held back on sleeping with a guy for a long time, only to do so and have him lose interest soon after. Again for the same reason. End of challenge and subsequent boredom. Obviously there are good couples out there who got jiggy within hours of meeting and talked marriage and kids names within the day, but they're rarer by comparison and I'm simply taking the practical view.

Relationships have stages. Pretty much the same for every couple out there, though we all like to think we're "special" and that's cool too. Imagine a couple who are right for each other on the face of it. Perfect in fact. They meet, go out on dates and move forward. Fine so far. Now if one or more of those stages is rushed and either the man or the woman feels this, then the chances of the relationship going forward is reduced. Imagine this scene, you meet a man, he seems perfect, but within the first hour he's overly clingy, hugging and kissing you and talking about the future and then the next day he's booked a romantic holiday for the pair of you. Most women would run a mile at that. Rightfully so too. Now the same guy doesn't do that and instead waits a few months or whatever and does exactly the same thing, then he's a keeper and you think it's love. Talk about relationships/commitment too early from a woman is a less obvious version of that.

Now some people get lucky and just happen to rush through or take it slow through the same stages in the same way. They're the ones who marry within the week have kids within the year and are still together 40yrs later. It happens but lets face it it's rare. Better to look at the more common in general.

In general successful relationships move through the stages together for the majority of the time.

If I was a woman looking for a long termer rather than an affair or a bit of fun, I would treat relationship/commitment talk the way I would sex. Don't rush into it and don't wait around too long either. I would avoid that talk like the plague until you have some idea where you stand.

The right time? When he has met you halfway. When by his actions he shows commitment to you. Don't get too hung up on what he says. It's how he acts that counts.

St Bill

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Been out on a couple of dates now and it seems when you mention a relationship to a guy he is gone like the wind!! What do guys want? They confuse wanting a relationship with being desperate!! I give up!!

Never mind what guys want....what do YOU want? It's good to care and worry about your friends/family/boyfriends, but don't forget to figure out what you want first.
And don't come back and say you want to be in a relationship you have to find the right man to want to be in a relationship

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Been out on a couple of dates now and it seems when you mention a relationship to a guy he is gone like the wind!! What do guys want? They confuse wanting a relationship with being desperate!! I give up!!

How do you mention wanting a relationship? You might be coming on too strong in this regard and the reason they confuse wanting a relationship with being desperate is because that's how it comes across, even if that's not what you mean.

Liam Byrne

Here's another thing; how does being "in a specifically-discussed and agreed relationship" make things better than being "whatever" together ?

I mean, take things to the logical conclusion; if someone says they'll marry you, it could still go tits-up and end in divorce, especially nowadays. So defining it in words (particularly very early) doesn't improve it, or the chances of it working, but it can make a balls of an otherwise good thing. Wibbs is right on the "fast dive in = fast dive out" (alluded to in my previous post :rolleyes: ), and the "too-soon" factor could actually have nipped even the good bits in the bud.....

A relationship isn't what you say or define it as; it's a feeling when you're together (and when you're apart).

I don't often quote Oasis, but sometimes ya gotta "Roll with it"......

Best of luck!

Time out

As a bloke I know that the mention of the word "relationship" just totally freaks me out, and the girl could be the best in the world but that word "relationship" just gives me the willies ! Let things work out gradually or even use another word like "going out" or something. Thats just me.

abi2007

i agree with taking things slow but i do think you need to dicuss if your in a relationship or not, if one person thinks it is and the other is still going out meeting people than thats not fair.

Wibbs

abi2007 wrote: »

i agree with taking things slow but i do think you need to dicuss if your in a relationship or not, if one person thinks it is and the other is still going out meeting people than thats not fair.

OK I see that but IMHO too many people(women especially) are obsessed with "how things are going" and trying to talk it out. That does have it's place, but much more important are the actions involved, especially in the early stages.

If I was with a woman for a few months and we enjoy each others company, we see each other a lot and want to see each other more, we connect in all aspects of the couple and it's growing me in ways I didn't have before. OK? Well if she didn't mention where this was going at that stage I wouldn't really give it much thought, simply because I can see by all her actions and attention and work in the relationship that it's going somewhere good.

I've been in couples where they said we were together only to have that disproven by her actions. Put it another way, if I walk up to someone and tell them "I love you" and at the same time slap them across the face, which bit should they believe? Too many listen to the "I love you" bit and ignore the slap.

Being overly quick to pull the relationship gun early on can kill a relationship all too easily. I would much rather be living a good relationship than talking about one.

abi2007

men don't seem to want to even date anymore... only guys that come near me when i'm out are the ones that go around trying to be with everyone... and i'm not ugly before some smart arse suggest its. I enjoy being single but i think dating is fun too.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Faith wrote: »

Why would you be mentioning relationships that early on? I'd imagine if you started harping on to a guy on (say) your second date about being in a relationship, in his mind he thinks you'll be at him for an engagement ring in a matter of months.
.

On one first date she took me loking at wedding dresses in a shop window. This is true

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Wibbs - are you a shrink??? If not you probably should be. I find myself in Total ageement with every single one of your posts. But you say it much more eloquently than I ever could.

I thought there was a policy against letting a moderator's mother post here...

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Wibbs - are you a shrink???

Thanks but the answer's no, but I'm quite sure I need the services of one.

OK everyone back on topic

Annie Bananie

Maybe Im missing a point here, but why go on a date if you arent looking for a relationship in the first place?? If you want to score for the night, go pull in a night club for similar minded people.

I thought dates excisted so people can get to know each other and to see if they fit romantically with each other and may want to start a relationship. I dont see why you cant bring up the subject of relationships on a date, as the other persons opinions on them will matter, as you are on a date-to get to know each other-in order to maybe start one.. But hey, I could be wrong..

Wibbs

I think people differ and that's where the trouble kicks off. I would reckon it depends on lots of factors. Age, gender, immediate and long term goals, even the nature of the date itself etc.

For me anyway just because I meet someone for a date doesn't mean I'm picking out rings or even thinking about that. I certainly never have. Especially if it's someone I just met. OK if I knew her for months and we had chatted and got to know more about each other then maybe, but even then I would be of the opinion of wait and see how it goes. If they come out with the undercurrent of "where is this going" frankly I would feel uncomfortable. It would feel like a job interview more than a relaxing meal or whatever.

I met one woman years back. Knew her not very long. Seemed nice. Met her for drinks. Two pints in she tells me that she's tired of looking and will likely settle down with the next guy she meets. Then she looks me in the eyes and tells me that her search may be over. Cue me splurting out a mouthful of guinness. I demured and no second date transpired. Next thing I here is that she's engaged to a bloke 5 months later. Marriage followed. Sadly it didn't take and frankly I'm not surprised. OK that was an extreme example, but I would reckon 90% of blokes(unless desperate themselves) would have run a bloody mile.

Now I would consider a relationship as a serious thing. It's one, if not the most serious decision I am going to make in my life, so I take my time at my pace to see if we're compatible. If so, then cool, but one date does not tell me that. If not then best for both to move on and stay as mates or whatever. Then again I may be a bit strange as I don't feel the need for a relationship. I'm grand on my own. Yes it's cool to have someone in ones life, but only if it helps us both grow.

Now there tends to be a gender bias on this one and it may not sound romantic or spontaneous, but from a practical point of view and so as not to scupper your chances with something that could work, I would advise any woman I know to ease up on the relationship talk until the 3 rd date. Preferably a romantic context date like dinner. The flicks or drinkies is not one of those BTW. As I said people like challenge, or they like not to be bored. Now boredom can set in if there's no challenge and the guy(or girl) reckons the deal is done too early on.

As I say people differ, but just thought I'd throw in my purely personal take.

Zirconia

Wibbs wrote: »

I would advise any woman I know to ease up on the relationship talk until the 3 rd date.

Wha?? I'd be advising to wait for five or six weeks tbh! Wouldn't be too happy if relationship was seriously brought up on the 3rd or so date; it still seems pretty desperate to me. Why not have fun and enjoy things as is for a few weeks, if not a couple of months or more and see how things progress before trying to nail it all down.

Wibbs

Oops meant to type "at least".:o By relationship talk I mean stuff about exes, too much about what you're looking for etc. Actual "are we in a relationship"? Oh god yes, leave that until much later.

Annie Bananie

Hm I think the replies here depends on what the OP meant: talking about relationships in general on the date or talking about being in a relationship with the guy on the date..

Think the OP will get very different replies depending on what people think she meant. Me for one was answering to the first one.

Zombrex

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Been out on a couple of dates now and it seems when you mention a relationship to a guy he is gone like the wind!! What do guys want? They confuse wanting a relationship with being desperate!! I give up!!

depends on the guy really ... if you keep going out with guys who don't want relationships just fun/hanging out/sex what ever with no girlfriend pressure, it could be you are going after the wrong type of guys.

PeakOutput

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Been out on a couple of dates now and it seems when you mention a relationship to a guy he is gone like the wind!! What do guys want? They confuse wanting a relationship with being desperate!! I give up!!

it runs both ways to be honest

id love to find a nice girl to start a 'relationship' with but all i find are girls who want **** buddies(not a bad problem to have some would say.......including me to be honest) it gets boring

dont get down about it op keep looking