Can't get over girl

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Being best friends with this girl for 7 years (childhood friendship), we always had feelings for each other but I didnt want to get into a relationship as it may ruin the friendship.
But about 15 months ago, we decided to date and was going wonderfully was a really strong relationship, both madly in love with each other and knew we would probably end up spending the rest of our lives together. Its one of those relationships that was just right!

We are at different stages in our lives, where shes just started college and I've finished college and working at sea.
I've been working at sea over the last year, 3 months on, 2 off so I see her every 3 months, she was finding this very hard. She suffers from mild depression where shes trying to battle at the moment, and I've got her out of lots of situations where shes hit a low point, but obviously I've havent been there sometimes (at sea), when she hit a low point she wouldnt contact me and would put up this barrier, the way i got around this through her parents, so when I did get through, we would talk and sort things out and it would be all good.

Came home about 2 months ago, but here for longer as back in college for a while so heading away again in january.
When I came home, things where great, but things started to go downhill when she moved another county to start college, I visited at the weekend after she moved and it was a brill weekend no problems at all, but the following week when I was in college, she put this barrier up, very difficult to contact, conversations short and stern, made no effort to contact me. I was pretty much feeling frustrated and sick and I didnt know whats going on, so I rang her, she pretty much said that she wants to do college on her own and find herself as she's studying art & design and to fight her depression and she knew it was unfair for me when I was at sea. We talked and agreed we would that continue the relationship later on, as we are both young and have lots to experience (ie different relationships etc). But I cant help thinking shes started a new chapter in her life and I've being left behind. Of course I felt like crap for the following week, was slowly getting over it etc.
We are still best friends, but she came home this weekend, and we met up to talk etc, we still madly in love with each other but we both knew that this was for the best, was finding it hard that I couldnt kiss her, give her affection etc, shes gone back but now I feel I'm back to square one i.e feel fed up and basically love sick.

So I dont know what to do to stop feeling like this, is it going to be like this everytime I see her?

I know I will be in other relationships, but I know there will be a piece of my heart always reserved for her, is this unfair to people I'm dating?

Monkey61

Hi Op,

I really feel for you as these situations are never nice. It's always difficult to let go of someone you love, but I think in this situation you are just going to have to do it. It will be made easier by the fact that you aren't going to see this girl every day, but when you are at home it would perhaps be best to make an effort not to be in contact with her for a while as it's just going to continue to break your heart.

She wants to take the time to grow as a person which is healthy and you should do the same. If it is meant to be then in the future it will happen again - but at the same time it might not. You owe it to yourself to enjoy life as best you can, accomplish all the things you want to accomplish and such.

It can be very hard for people with depression to be in relationships and not become too dependent on their partner, which it sounds like she has always had a fear of doing -hence the pushing you away. She needs to enjoy college and sort herself out so that she can be the person she wants to be in the future.

It will get easier in time. These things do. My only advice to you really is to live your own life and focus your attention on yourself for the minute instead of dwelling on her. Fill your time with things that you enjoy and do your best to take your mind off her. She may indeed be the one and if she is she will love you all the more for the person you have become and the life experiences that you have over the next few years. If you do come back together in the future it will be as different people and you will know then that you are both in the right place to settle down and enter into a relationship.

You never know where the next few years will take you, but now is the time to open yourself up to opportunities and enjoy yourself without having to worry about someone else.

Wagon

I'm going to take a daring line here and suggest that you cut all contact. For many, it's the only way to move on. You might not even be moving on to someone new, but moving on to something better than where you are now.

It seems unfair that she can just put up these barriers when she feels like it. That would drive me mental. Put up your own and tell her to bugger off and give you some peace for a while. You need it.

LegacyUser

OP here,

I think both of you have the right idea, its was in my gut feeling what to do and ye have confirmed it.

Im at a important stage in my career and I if i keep feeling like this, it will seriously jeopardize my career i.e fail.

I've really patient, loyal, treated her upmost respect and was very giving to her, but cant help feeling thats its all thrown back in my face, much as i love her it being the most hurtful thing she's done to me.

Its going to be tough, but I know its right.

Cheers guys
OP

LegacyUser

OP here,

Been an update to this situation:

Had cut all contact, but lasted for a month as had others reasons for getting in contact. Kept in contact after that, wasnt too imposing odd facebook,text message here and there, but obviously all feelings rushed back.

Being in contact unfortunately left myself in the open to get hurt. She wanted to keep in contact but few things she did, i.e small things like long delays in replying (where talking days here!) , forgetting to wish me good luck in exams, all these added up and hurt me. She told me the reasons and excuses but it still hurt.

Going forward a few weeks, suddenly I had enough, couldnt take it anymore, basically hadn't slept properly since started contact again, judging by her actions, I realised that she didnt really love and me and didnt care about me, so deleted everything to do with her i.e facebook, bebo, phone numbers etc as I still loved her and couldnt go on like this.

Obviously this didnt go down well and she messaged asking why I did that , wasnt going to reply but I did, basically said I still loved her, what I thought of her actions and how I felt about her actions and said that I wanted no contact and a clean slate so down the line we could restart our friendship again like it used to be.

Got upteen missed calls and messages by her that night and I ignored them, she sent me a long email, saying what she thought and why she did this, its all due to her depression and how she reacted to this situation. I realised this is the first time she has opened up to me about her depression and it hit me. When we were together, she didnt discuss it ,I would ask as I was naturally concerned but she never gave much away.

So I called her, we talked, she said the email she got had woken her up and it what she needed as she now knows how I feel. Its was the most open conservation I ever had with her, she told me everything about her depression and how it affects her and how she reacts to it.
She told me truthfully (as I asked her to be totally honest to me) that she still loved me and she has thought of me everyday, I knew it was the truth eventhough I had my doubts, but I could just feel it her voice.
She told me, that she broke down when she got the email and she actually thanked me for the email as something clicked when she got it.
We talk further and realised this time apart and this event is what we needed as we are know sure how we both feel and know where we stand.
We can now work on the depression together as she been totally open.

So this leaded to the question she asked: If I asked you, will you take me back?

Had long think, It felt right and I said yes.

As from the first post my career is very important and having a girl thats unstable doesnt make sense, but this is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, I know it going to be a hard but I need to make a decision, take her back or walk away?
I'm worried if I dont, I will meet someone else, which happens, its a fact of life.

Due to her leaving cert and my exams before I went to sea and going to sea, at times it we werent together and was tough for her and she really hit a few low points. Her household didnt help as it was just her mother and father, the father never got involved and had basically turned a blind eye to her depression. The mother cared but always put her problems first. So she had no one to talk to, she has her friends but there weren't always there. Actually it was my family that took care of her the most i.e inviting her down for coffee, taking her out etc

So now shes in dublin with a great bunch of housemates and she living with her best friend (I know because Ive met them), I know its different now, because they will be always there for her, basically she has no choice but to talk them when she down and that what she needs when Im away at sea.

Repeating myself, I know it will be different, because Im finished my exams and on my way with my career and earning properly so now I'm in the position now to move to dublin and be with her, to give the relationship a proper chance, see whats like to be with each other 24/7 as we never had that before and to support her. I know she has college but I WILL always give time for her college work as a priority as thats the most important thing to her.

So I had ended the conservation, saying that we will have no contact till she comes home on the 20th, this gives us time to think of the future ahead will see what the outcome is, which to get back together or fully move on with no contact, unfortunately it cant be in between.

So Im asking PI, am I totally mad and walk away or is this the right decision, which is to get back together, I think Ive already made the decision (ahem..the latter!) but a outside opinion would be great.
Also have I dealt with this correctly?

Many Thanks