Offered a job abroad for a year

LegacyUser

Well the story is, been working with a tech company for 2 years and have progressed quite rapidly up the corporate ladder. Recently an opportunity came to light for position which would involved a lot of travelling over the next 12-24 months.

It would probably be a case depending on where I was based I may only be home 1-3 times a year. Now here comes the problem... I've got a long term GF who has made it clear that if I go we are over. I understand where she is coming from. We had been talking about marriage etc and obviously if I pack up for 2 years that will put a spanner in the works.

I am very confused as to what to do, I have a great opportunity one that may never happen again pretty much an all expenses paid trip around the world for 2 years on the other hand I've got a wonderful girlfriend who I love very much and will lose if I take this.

I have a couple of weeks before an answer is needed. My friends are split pretty much 50/50 on it, some say go some say stay.

Any advice from anyone who's had a similar expereince?

Sleepy

So she's only prepared to marry you if you live your life her way?

Two of my best friends got married recently after being together for over a decade. They've both left the country to work overseas at different stages in their relationship and are one of the best suited couples I've ever known.

My advice, take the new position. If your girlfriend isn't prepared to support you in your life's goals, she's not worth promoting to the position of wife.

Seanot

would it be an option for her to travel too ???

She could visit you!!! if it furthers your career then go for it......it would be probably worth it in the long run.

netvista

^
+1

Hate to say it but if she's not perpared to support you in this (something which you obviously would like to do) and you stay with her, then there is always the chance that you could keeping dwelling on what could have been and perhaps start resenting her.

MagicMarker

How nice of her!!!

OP, the very fact that she's given you an ultimatum just screams GO!!!!

Anyone, even a long term partner, would understand the opportunity you have here, even if they chose to not continue the relationship should you go they are within their rights to do that in an understanding manner, they are not entitled to demand you stay and threaten you with singledom should you go!

She sounds very selfish. If i were you, i'd go, and i'd be grateful that i'd be going as a free and single man;) Two years traveling the world as a free and single man sounds good to me!!

Imposter

Also consider what work demands are placed upon you. A lot of people seem to think travelling with work is great but a lot of the time you end up living out of a suitcase in cities where you know almost noone. Oftentimes you also don't have that much free time to "see the world".

If on the other hand if you will have all or most weekends free and if you'd be based long enough somewhere to be able to see the area then it's a different decision. Similarly I guess eitherway it would be good for your career if that is important for you.

bangersandmash

Sleepy wrote: »

So she's only prepared to marry you if you live your life her way?

Two of my best friends got married recently after being together for over a decade. They've both left the country to work overseas at different stages in their relationship and are one of the best suited couples I've ever known.

My advice, take the new position. If your girlfriend isn't prepared to support you in your life's goals, she's not worth promoting to the position of wife.

Predictable responses here - she's holding him back etc.

Of course ideally everyone should to try do their utmost to support their partner's goals. But to play devil's advocate here, it is quite possible that she doesn't think she can maintain that kind of long-distance relationship. Maybe this woman is simply being honest about that. That's not a bad thing. Frankly I think it would be worse if she hid her feelings, acquiesced and decided to break up at a later stage.

Sleppy it's great that your friends married after spending time apart. But that's not going to work for everyone, and that's no reflection on the strength of those peoples' relationships. For some people a relationship where you only see your OH a few times a year is not sustainable.

There's no doubting that this is a great opportunity OP, but it's likely you're going to have some tough choices.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I have left my boyfriend to move to a different country for a while, and we couldn't imagine something like that breaking us up. We have to do our own thing.
We have to support each others goals... and youre girlfriend should be doing the same. But a LOT of women can be like that, not just your girl. They take it very personally! But she has to understand that youre life does not revolve around her completly. The wedding can be put off for a while. If you are serious about getting married why dont you tell her you have decided to go, get down on one knee and propose to her there and then.
This will put her mind at ease. She probably thinks you are getting scared and are having second thoughts about being with her and thats why you want to go away.

But if you really REALLY do love her, and feel that you are chosing between seeing the world and the woman you love; I dont think it matters where you are in the world or what you are doing, as long as you have the person you love. At the end of the day it is more likely to bring you real happiness.

Even if shes not being very nice about it

LegacyUser

I am an army widow, when my husband goes abraod. And it is bloody hard work keeping a relationship on track when your other half is in another country. 2 years i think would be unacceptable for me also.

beth-lou

Hi Op,

You're in a very difficult position. I can understand your girlfriend not wanting to wait around for two years, especially if you are thinking of getting married. Perhaps she's thinking of a family etc and the possible loneliness of living alone. I think that you have to respect her honesty, and decide what it is you want more. The job or your relationship. She has every right not to want to sit around pining after you for two years and if she feels she couldn't handle it, then you have to accept that. Ultimately it is your decision. In an ideal world she would have jumped for joy and said go for it. But the real world is so much more complicated. The reality of only seeing someone 3 times a year is not a very inticing one and to be honest I think you will find it almost impossible to carry on a relationship if that is all the time you are going to spend together. Sure everyone is saying she is selfish, yada, yada. But equally they could say you are selfish for considering leaving her for two years and expecting her to wait for you etc etc..

Some couples are suited to long distance relationships, some are not. You are both on different sides here and while your option is exciting and full of opportunity, her's is a little less inticing. Maybe you guys should take a break for the two years, and she what happens when you come back. Maybe that would be fairer on her and you still get to do what it is you want. If you don't do it, you could build up a resentment to her, which could be very damaging.

Nobody can tell you what to do here. You have to talk it out and come to the best solution possible. One thing to bear in mind though is that a life spent travelling with work can be extremely lonely and has been said above, there is little time for fun or actually seeing the world, unless you're very lucky.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP you say you have been talking about marriage, I presume that means that you both want to get married and spend your lives together. So let's imagine that this opportunity came up a few years down the road, the two of you have the wedding behind you and are set on your life together. Would you consider going away then for two years leaving your wife behind to see her only a couple of times a year? Would there be a difference travelling the world as a married man, versus the opportunity now to do so as a committed (but not quite as much...) person?

The reason I am asking you to look at it like this is that I think once marriage has been mentioned at all, your girlfriend is probably already in the mode of thinking of you both as an indivisible unit. And arguably, the strength and significance of your relationship should not be any different the day before your wedding and the day after, so if you would find this a strange thing for a married man not to have a problem with being away from his wife for so long, that's how strange it must seem to your girlfriend already. Just trying to give you another perspective on this.

Whether you should go or not I really don't know. Why not get married quickly, negotiate the salary for the new position based on the responsibilities of a married man and ask her to come with you? Some international companies have programmes for "trailing spouses" to help them get orientated and even help with work visas etc in the new location. Have you considered any such options at all beyond the option of assuming she will stay behind with a boyfriend shaped void in her life waiting for you?