How to deal with horrible bully?

bigpinkelephant

Hi all,
I am having problems with a friend of some of my friends.

"Mary" is the same age as me (22) and is good friends with a couple of my male friends. She knows them for as long as I have, about 3 years, though they met her separately. She won't leave me alone!

She is vicious, and a complete bully.
She is manipulative, hurtful and very aggressive.

Basically she seems to be very insecure and likes to take it out on me.
She is quite obese, with mousey hair that gets oily very quickly, and crooked teeth. She never wears anything other than t-shirts and hoodies and never wears make-up. She sees herself as "One of the lads" and is forever bragging about how much beer she can drink. She is VERY possessive of the lads we are both friends with. She has never had a boyfriend and gets very little male attention.

I am very different. I have long blonde hair which I look after very well. I am very slim and quite tall and I love wearing nice clothes and make-up. I am what she calls a "sissy" because I prefer drinking 5 vodka & diet cokes rather than 10 pints of beer. I am not at all possessive of the lads. I have had a few boyfriends and would often get chatted up.

She never leaves me alone.
If we are at a party and a lad comes over and talks to me she starts going around telling everyone I am a slut. She will come over and tell the lad this as well.
If I wear a skirt or make up I am "trying to impress the lads".
If we are sitting in a pub she will sit there and make constant remarks about me. It is very awkward because the lads we are friends with don't want to get caught in the middle of it. We have a female friend in common also and she is afraid to say anything in case she gets similar treatment- Mary calls the shots in their friendship!
I generally ignore her comments. Once she was laying into me, saying I looked like a slag. I told her maybe she should focus more on what she looks like and she burst into tears, stormed off and told a load of people that I am always saying things like that to her, which I am not!
Unknown to me, she really fancied our lab demonstrator in college.
We were out one night and I went out for a smoke. He was the only person in the smoking area I knew so I asked him for a light and made some small talk with him for a minute or so.
I went back into the pub and one of the lads said "I saw you talking to Barry out there, how is he?". Mary shouted "Oh for f.....s sake why do lads always talk to her and never me" and stormed into the toilet and slammed the door after her!

Basically I am sick and tired of her making bitchy remarks and if I answer her back she turns on the waterworks and makes me look bad. I have tried to rise above it but it's very hard.

What should I do?

af_thefragile

IGNORE.

That really is the best way to deal with bullies...
There's nothing more you can do. Be wise and just ignore what they say. Don't give their words any weight and they'll fall out.
I know you've mentioned it that you've ignored her before, but really there's little more you can do, apart from ignoring her more!!

Or learn to come up with those comebacks that'll shut her up completely.
They take skill and if not done properly will only result in a flame war and things will only escalate for the worse!!


And from your post, i'm getting a lot of other overtones of dislike and conceit...

wasper

You need to change the company you keep. These are drinking friends you can always find others. Mary is very unstable. She tells lies and believe in it. You can't reason with her so why bother with her company. Apart from the aggro and the b***s*** she spreads what benefits do you get from meeting her?

Dudess

I don't get those overtones at all - the OP is simply describing herself. The comment she made which hurt "Mary" was maybe not a nice thing for "Mary" to hear, but it was fair enough really. Nothing controversial about it.

Yeah I agree, ignore. Surely your friends can tell this is pure and unadulterated jealousy and "Mary" is just taking her bitterness out on you? Thus she's humiliating herself and looking like the person with the issues at the end of the day - that's punishment enough for her, I think. Maybe talk to the female friend you have in common though, and tell her you find it rather unfriend-like of her to allow "Mary" to call the shots. Tell her also that "Mary" is too eaten up by jealousy and maybe she should give her advice on improving her appearance, losing weight etc. Obviously if "Mary" woke up tomorrow slimmer and more attractive, the bullying would stop. So if her appearance is really bothering her (even if she claims it doesn't) that's something she should pursue to make her feel better about herself...

Zombrex

bigpinkelephant wrote: »

Hi all,
I am having problems with a friend of some of my friends.

Sounds like she is on the verge of a nervous break-down and is taking it all out on you.

You could try talking to her one on one, saying what is her problem with you and if she doesn't want to hang around with you that is fine, just leave you alone.

Or if possible you can just try and cut her out.

It sounds like she is going to use anything against you so I would try and remain calm about the whole thing. Don't be aggresive, shouting at her etc or calling her names behind her back or to your other friends. It might be tempting but ultimately it gives her a chance to say you are the one with the problem.

It might be a good idea to talk to your mutual friends about her though, not in an aggressive way, just let them know that you are upset by the whole thing. If it does blow up you want them on your side not hers.

Good luck. I was in a situation like this before, I used to think it was only me but then after things blew up I found out that everything didn't like this girl and they were all just too scared of her to say anything (I'm a bloke by the way, this girl was passive aggressive rather than aggressive, very manipulative). So you might be surprised to find out she is like this with a lot more people than just you.

af_thefragile

^Maybe i was reading a little too much into it...

But yeah, like if she's really being such a bitch, then why do you hang around with her in the first place?

There was this one guy who always looked at bulling me when i was around too. He was in my class and we had common friends so a lot of times we used to be around together and he used to try to bring me down. Sometimes i just laugh it off. Sometimes i just used to ignore him. After a while i stop considering him a friend and stopped speaking to him much. Then i also ended up being friends with the people i used to hang around with and found myself some cool new friends. I don't deal with him anymore.

[Jackass]

Wow. That's mental alright. She just sounds extremely insecure and a touch jealous also. It's a difficult one to deal with as these are her issues (and by the sounds of it she has serious self confidence issues) and you can only do so much to help her / avoid the situation.

I mean what's wrong with dressing nice or even "trying to impress the lads". If you make an effort to look good you feel good. It's normal for everybody.

I wouldn't hold it against her or hold a grudge, but this is something you might want to discuss with mutual friends and also try to avoid conflict with her at all costs. But by the sounds of it she has you on this pedistal as everything she's not (and more than likely wants to be) and therefore resents you for it.

My advice would be to avoid all conflict with Mary. If she want's to talk, be as cool and nice as you would normally be with anybody, if she wants to start drama sh*t, be very dignified in it all and avoid it. You could maybe get friends to try and make her dress nice some night, make up and what not, then make a big fuss when you see her about how great she looks, maybe she'll lose some of her resentment.

It's a sh*t situation, not a lot you can do as you have mutual friends etc., so just put on a brave face and keep your cool, rise above it. Best of luck with it anyhow.

damienricefan

lol i know people like this

Just exist as the normal person you are and never forget you are better!!

bigpinkelephant

I have spoken to some of our friends about it and they don't want to get involved. Which is fair enough I guess.

I only spend any amount of time with her when I have to.
Birthday parties and whatnot. I'm not going to isolate myself from my friends because of her.

I am not at all conceited, it's just that a lot of her comments are about my appearance, so I was describing the situation.

One of the things that annoys me is that socially, it's really "mean" to make comments about how fat someone is or how greasy their hair is.
But making comments about how "skinny" someone is or how blonde their hair is isn't seen as being as bad.

Someone who has remarks made about how overweight and greasy they are gets sympathy, someone who complains of having comments about how blonde and thin they are is seen by some as being "conceited".

Ann22

af_thefragile wrote: »

But yeah, like if she's really being such a bitch, then why do you hang around with her in the first place?

She's only in her circle 'cos they've mutual friends in common. It'd be unfair to have to lose some possibly good friends due to one girl's jealousy.
Op I'm sure your pals know she's only being bitchy 'cos of her own insecurities. If you're openly nice to her in front of them she might be suspicious of your motives but your pals won't. Fellas don't usually read into things too deeply, she will come across badly if she keeps it up.

Karen_*

bigpinkelephant wrote: »

Someone who has remarks made about how overweight and greasy they are gets sympathy, someone who complains of having comments about how blonde and thin they are is seen by some as being "conceited".

Its just a bit puzzling why you go into such detail about her appearance. I'm sure she probably picks up your disdain for her. I think you should stay away from each other

jim o doom

I'd say the best way to deal with it (especially since you have mutual friends) - is to be as nice as pie etc all the time. UNLESS she is rude to you; if she starts making rude comments to you while your being nice, just make an equally rude comment in return. It doesn't matter if she turns on the water works; if she does just tell her she is crying crocodile tears.. defend yourself verbally when being abused, and be nice otherwise

af_thefragile

Karen_* wrote: »

Its just a bit puzzling why you go into such detail about her appearance. I'm sure she probably picks up your disdain for her. I think you should stay away from each other

This.

Like okay, you've put the picture up that she's a bully. But you went too much into a very derogatory description of her and a very fine description of yourself on the other hand. You could have done away with just fat and not very good looking instead of pointing on her greasy hair and bad teeth.

It shows you really see this person in a very low demeanor and yourself as much above her which is kinda fair as she does annoy you... But fair enough?

I'm sure too that she does sense this off you which only fuels her disapproval of you.

Colonel_McCoy

She is toxic, spiteful and jealous of you...............you don`t need people like that in your life...............lose her

kmick

Why dont you pull her aside when you are both sober and say something. Could be along the lines of you said some nasty stuff about me when...(give a couple of examples). Then make it clear you dont find acceptable and you are not putting up with it any more. Make sure you let her know if she does not stop you will be forced to go on the offensive (dont specify what that means). If she is smart and as threatened by you as I'd say she is then it is likely she will back down.

shellyboo

Dudess wrote: »

Obviously if "Mary" woke up tomorrow slimmer and more attractive, the bullying would stop.

Because beautiful on the outside equals beautiful on the inside, of course; and Mary's ugly on the inside because she's ugly on the outside.

Mary is a bitter, toxic, jealous wagon. If she lost weight and improved her appearance, she would still be a bitter, toxic, jealous wagon - she'd probably just be conceited as well. Losing weight is not going to miraculously fix her terrible personality, nor her self-esteem issues. She could do that without losing weight (I did... the self-esteem thing, I have a sparkling personality :P) but I highly doubt that she will. She sounds inherently horrible.

Some people are just bitches. She's one. Cut her out of your life. If your other friends pick this harpy over you, well... you'll know they weren't great friends to begin with.

John Mason

Make new friends or could try to understand where she is coming from.

TBH, you dont come across a very nice person yourself.

A bit conceited

all the stars

bigpinkelephant wrote: »

What should I do?

you talk to this person?

Em, stop being iin their company. ever. problem solved.

i used to have a "friend " like that. Just stopped all contact with her. She wants to be a twat/immature/whatever go bother someone else. And she's still like that, years later.

Guess others would say "its a cry for help... blah blah blah" but that dont mean you have to be the one to awnser it if she's bein sh*te to you. Let her alone, why be around someone who drives you mad?

Wagon

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

TBH, you dont come across a very nice person yourself.

A bit conceited

Ah I don't know... I think it's just a detailed post so we could get a better idea of why Mary is like this. If the OP wa vain, it'd be more obvious. Something along the lines of "she's obviously jealous of me" etc...

She is though. hence the treatment. but I somehow reckon she can take a 4 month long diet and get to a size 8, a makeover, a nice wardrobe and a shower once a night and she'd probably just go up her own arse. Some people are just assholes. Some thrive on attention. She isn't being ignored for her looks, people would at least chat to the girl if she was sound and approachable.

Put her in her place. Just because you look better than her doesn't mean that she can treat you like crap. The fact that your posting here tells me that you might be afraid to shut her up properly in case people will just assume your being a bitch with a superiority complex. Feck what stragers think. you mates are the ones that matter. Once they know whats going on (and they seem to) then don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

spinandscribble

ugh i hate girls like this. they assume you're a slut or vain just because you wash your hair each day, like makeup and wear the odd short skirt. 9/10 those girls pride themselves on 'above that stuff' by wearing hoodies and runners 24/7.
the same girls will assume you're dumb and if you achieve anything its because of the way you look.
sorry, i'm bitter i've met a few marys, of all different shapes and sizes and most of the time if they give you a chance to show them who you really are they're fine with you but theres always a few marys that never want to see you for who you really are.
take this girl aside op and ask her why she needs to badmouth you. she sounds like a drunk attention seeking twit so i doubt it'll make much difference though. the one thing you should find comfort in is probably noone takes her seriously.

buckieburd

Do none of your 'friends' stick up for you when she says these things? If someone was calling my friend a slut and it was unjustified I would call them up on it. Maybe this is more your problem than hers? Why would your friends sit back and let someone say your X Y and Z and not defend you or get involved?

I think that is very telling.....

Slow Motion

If you don't want to lose those friends you have in common OP, then you should call her on it every single time and make it clear that you will not put up with her crap anymore, you don't need any witty sarcastic comebacks, a simple "what do you mean by that?" comment will do, you say nothing and she will keep at it, if you take issue with her each time she says something nasty she will soon give up! Bullies don't like to be confronted, don't wait to have a quiet word it won't work. Confront her in front of everyone when she says anything, she will not like that and stop if she is not getting anymore satisfaction from putting you down.

Dudess

shellyboo wrote: »

Because beautiful on the outside equals beautiful on the inside, of course; and Mary's ugly on the inside because she's ugly on the outside.

Oh I know beautiful on the outside can often be vile on the inside, but yes, Mary has very poor self esteem/body image and instead of doing what she can to improve it (because only SHE can) she's taking the easy way out and putting others down.

Some people here are falling into the trap of assuming that beautiful on the outside means "up one's arse" by telling the OP she's vain etc.

Mary is a bitter, toxic, jealous wagon. If she lost weight and improved her appearance, she would still be a bitter, toxic, jealous wagon - she'd probably just be conceited as well. Losing weight is not going to miraculously fix her terrible personality, nor her self-esteem issues. She could do that without losing weight (I did... the self-esteem thing, I have a sparkling personality :P) but I highly doubt that she will. She sounds inherently horrible.

I don't know, shellyboo. I'm not saying losing the weight and improving her appearance will turn her into a lovely person or anything but I bet it would make the bullying stop. Because right now, the bullying stems from being unhappy with herself and taking it out on someone who IS happy with herself and who looks after herself.

Wagon wrote: »

I somehow reckon she can take a 4 month long diet and get to a size 8

Jeez, what fantasy planet are you living on...?

bangersandmash

Dudess wrote: »

Some people here are falling into the trap of assuming that beautiful on the outside means "up one's arse" by telling the OP she's vain etc.

I think that was more to do with the unnecessarily detailed physical descriptions given by the OP. The situation would have been quite clear without going into detail about the length/colour of the OP's hair, or Mary's orthodontal issues.

shellyboo

Dudess wrote: »

I don't know, shellyboo. I'm not saying losing the weight and improving her appearance will turn her into a lovely person or anything but I bet it would make the bullying stop. Because right now, the bullying stems from being unhappy with herself and taking it out on someone who IS happy with herself and who looks after herself.

I just don't ascribe to the theory that simply losing weight can cure self-esteem issues and make you happy with your body, mainly because I found that not to be true for me. There's nothing that makes me feel more cringing and ashamed of myself and my body than being on a diet, no matter how much weight I lose, because I feel like I'm apologising to the world for being the way I am. It creates insecurity in me, and I'm far happier and more confident just being my own fat self, to be honest.

Also, I look at my friends who are basically stunning, and they have far, far more body issues than I do - which makes me believe that it's all in your head, no matter what you actually see when you look in the mirror.

Basically, I think there's a lot more to feeling good about yourself than losing some weight - especially if your issues are so deep that you're lashing out at others to make yourself feel better. I really doubt in this case that Mary will ever stop feeling threatened by her 'friends', even if she woke up looking like a supermodel tomorrow.

Ginny

Call her on it, next time she does it in a crowd, turn to her and in the calmest nicest voice
say
"Mary, why do you say those things about me? I've never harmed or insulted you, what you're saying is very hurtful and rude, and i just don't understand why you insisted on being so mean"
It will embarrass the crap out of her once you say it with people around and might also draw their attention to the fact that this ****e is awful for you.
At this point some mutal friend needs to get involved as if this is happening in front of them they are already involved by keeping their mouth shut and essential condoning it when it happens.

LegacyUser

Befriend her. Maybe she is one of those people who somehow missed the memo about how to do girly stuff, so she has adopted the laddish persona in defence, and what she thinks is the kind of teasing and taking the piss common in groups of lads, actually comes out as mean and rude when directed at girls.

Next time there is a party coming up where you'll be thrown together, why not invite her and your mutual female friend around to get ready together, and gently initiate her into the world of makeup and hair straighteners? Get in some beer for her as well the vodka - this is about meeting her halfway, acknowledging your differences but showing her that neither of you needs to feel threatened by the other. Get chatting to her about who she fancies etc.

Of course it could also turn out that she's gay and it's you she fancies

bigpinkelephant

bangersandmash wrote: »

I think that was more to do with the unnecessarily detailed physical descriptions given by the OP. The situation would have been quite clear without going into detail about the length/colour of the OP's hair, or Mary's orthodontal issues.

Well Mary likes to go into EVERY detail of my appearance...
And Mary is in NO position to slag off anyone's appearance considering she takes NO pride in her own.

But obviously I can't wash regularly/dye my hair/wear girls clothes because I must be vain/conceited/etc.

It looks like there's a few Marys on here as well! :rolleyes:

Overheal

Ignore, Shun, etcetera. People like her will never do anything to help themselves so long as enough people are around them to affirm their actions and their lifestyle. I don't think anyone here is oblivious that her actions stem from low self confidence and/or jealousy.

Truth be told, if you all sat down and told her she was an alcoholic slob that needed to help herself, you might never hear from her again, but I think the message would stick, and she would eventually do something to fix herself. Not the first option anyone would consider, but one of the more necessary.

Either way she clearly is not happy with herself, in one form or another, and she can't keep doing what she's been doing.

Nevyn

bigpinkelephant do not insult the posters here, do it again and this thread will be lock and you will be banned. IF you are unsure of the rules for posting in this forum then I suggest you read them.

bigpinkelephant

Thaedydal wrote: »

bigpinkelephant do not insult the posters here, do it again and this thread will be lock and you will be banned. IF you are unsure of the rules for posting in this forum then I suggest you read them.

Why has nothing been said about people telling me I am conceited?

Lab_Mouse

to the OP..why let her walk all over you?tell her to get lost,if that fails a slap in the gob works.At least she knows the next time she acts the maggot she will get another one.If you lose friends over it no loss,they are not the real mates.

Dudess

shellyboo wrote: »

I just don't ascribe to the theory that simply losing weight can cure self-esteem issues and make you happy with your body, mainly because I found that not to be true for me.

I agree... but I'm certain it hugely helps some people - and Mary is one of those, mainly because it seems to be the thing that bothers her most.

There's nothing that makes me feel more cringing and ashamed of myself and my body than being on a diet, no matter how much weight I lose, because I feel like I'm apologising to the world for being the way I am.

Diets don't work. Healthy lifestyle to get fit is not apologising for how you are.

It creates insecurity in me, and I'm far happier and more confident just being my own fat self, to be honest.

Well I can understand that too. What I get from you is: you're happy with your body the way it is so why should you change to make others happy? I agree. But there are people who AREN'T happy with their body shapes and it permeates other areas of their lives.

As for the OP being "conceited"... I don't know. I think she simply gave a lot of details about her appearance and a lot of details about Mary's appearance in order to paint a picture. I think people are reading way too much into it. Seems like the OP is proud of her appearance and resents being made feel bad about that.
/shrug
Can't see anything wrong there.

bigpinkelephant

Dudess wrote: »

As for the OP being "conceited"... I don't know. I think she simply gave a lot of details about her appearance and a lot of details about Mary's appearance in order to paint a picture. I think people are reading way too much into it. Seems like the OP is proud of her appearance and resents being made feel bad about that.
/shrug
Can't see anything wrong there.

Yeah exactly. I mean if I said mean things to her about the lack of effort she puts into her appearance I would be "scabby".
But she can say mean things about my appearance and it's me that has the problem because I'm "conceited"? That's not fair.

I should mention also, Mary has been like this ever since I first met her. She takes huge pride in being a big rock music fan and knowing loads of facts.
The first time I met her was at a table quiz and she was being very loud getting all the answers. The next question was "What was the first music video ever played on MTV". She didn't know the answer, I piped up and got it right and she started. "That's such a stupid thing to know, I wouldn't be bothered knowing that!!" etc. She even went on Google on her phone to try and prove me wrong.

castle

Why OH why are you friends with this terrible jealous so called friend, get away from her asap before she brings you down and makes you as bad as her,

shellyboo

Dudess wrote: »

I agree... but I'm certain it hugely helps some people - and Mary is one of those, mainly because it seems to be the thing that bothers her most.

I disagree. I think anyone who's that horribly caustic isn't going to have a personality transplant because they feel a bit better about the way they look. The kind of person who lashes out at others to validate themselves will only ever get validation from doing that, whether they look great or not. Looking better is not going to make Mary feel better - making others feel bad is what makes Mary feel better. And her being thin isn't going to change that, in my opinion.

Ann22

Quote'I have long blonde hair which I look after very well. I am very slim and quite tall and I love wearing nice clothes and make-up'.

The girl is only describing herself, that she takes care of her hair, wears nice clothes and make up. She's not saying 'I've beautiful hair and a fab figure. By explaining the way the other girl neglects her appearance she's showing us the likely reasons for the bullying is envy. If she didn't do that, the next 10 posts would be spent trying to work out the reasons for it, not advising the op in what to do about the situation.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Poloman

Its obvious that you are getting all the attention off boys and she isnt.

1) Either start slagging her off in front of everyone when does things like to you from now on.. sounds like you have plebty to go on

2).. the non aggressive approach

She is obviously not looking after herslelf and fellas will not touch her with a barge pole but they chase you and fair play you look after yourself.

I would ask to meet her away from everyone and ask her why she is mean to you and says the things she does. Tell her you like her (which may not be true) and that you want to be friends and get on with each other as the things she is doing is hurting you and that she is spreading lies about her which is completely unfair.

If number doesnt worj then revert to number one as you have no choice. Tell her to get lost and eat a few kebabs, punch her in the kidneys and make her cry in front of everyone.

Good luck

Dudess

Poloman wrote: »

1) Either start slagging her off in front of everyone when does things like to you from now on.. sounds like you have plebty to go on

Don't do that. It will make you look like a bitch.