comments making me feel uncomfortable

LegacyUser

This might seem like a small issue to others but not to me cause i am getting sick of someone i work with. Some days i feel like getting physically sick.

Im female working in a place with about 60 others. Often there would be about 8 of us working together. Because of people working and not being stuck in the 1 spot, going of to breaks and taking toilet breaks and what not, i am sometimes left working with some fella alone, when all his talk begins. We are always alone when it happens. He is smart that he knows not to say anything when others are around. Like i said, it might seem small or a bit of fun to others but EVERY time im left alone with him, he starts his talk. At some point in the day, i will be left alone with him.

He always starts with things like "im pregnant", (that seems fairly harmless). When he takes his toilet break, he says im going to the ladies to have the baby. Then he starts with naming other men we work with and he talks about them giving me a baby. I dont know why he comes out with this, i dont bring it on in any way. I completely ignore him whenever he starts. He will often ask me, have i seen a grown man naked.

His comments are really making me feel uncomfortable. I know if i warn him myself, il go overboard myself, cause i feel like hitting him myself.

What can i do?

LegacyUser

unreg.babytalk wrote: »

This might seem like a small issue to others but not to me cause i am getting sick of someone i work with. Some days i feel like getting physically sick.

Im female working in a place with about 60 others. Often there would be about 8 of us working together. Because of people working and not being stuck in the 1 spot, going of to breaks and taking toilet breaks and what not, i am sometimes left working with some fella alone, when all his talk begins. We are always alone when it happens. He is smart that he knows not to say anything when others are around. Like i said, it might seem small or a bit of fun to others but EVERY time im left alone with him, he starts his talk. At some point in the day, i will be left alone with him.

He always starts with things like "im pregnant", (that seems fairly harmless). When he takes his toilet break, he says im going to the ladies to have the baby. Then he starts with naming other men we work with and he talks about them giving me a baby. I dont know why he comes out with this, i dont bring it on in any way. I completely ignore him whenever he starts. He will often ask me, have i seen a grown man naked.

His comments are really making me feel uncomfortable. I know if i warn him myself, il go overboard myself, cause i feel like hitting him myself.

What can i do?

When he starts talking take out your mobile phone and record what he is saying. When you have a few samples back it up to a computer. The one day when he starts play back a sample to him.
Tell him it is backed up and you will send and email to his boss if he does not stop.

He sounds like a complete weirdo. Those comments aren't even funny. Report him to HR for sexual harrassment.

AARRRGH

That is very odd. I would be quite tolerant of people having a bit of a laugh but he sounds like a total weirdo.

You need to ask him to stop saying that stuff. Just say "I'm tired of this pregnant talk, will you stop". If he says anything just say you're serious.

If he doesn't stop then escalate it to your manager.

MagicMarker

[quote=[Deleted User];57711259]He sounds like a complete weirdo. Those comments aren't even funny. Report him to HR for sexual harrassment.[/QUOTE]
What!!? Cop on ffs!!

He hasn't sexually harassed anyone!! He sounds like an idiot making stupid comments in a poor attempt at humour.

Remind me never to get a job where you work.

AARRRGH

Well, we can debate whether or not it is sexual harassment, but they're certainly unwanted comments which are unsuitable for the workplace.

What!!? Cop on ffs!!

He hasn't sexually harassed anyone!! He sounds like an idiot making stupid comments in a poor attempt at humour.

Remind me never to get a job where you work.

I've had people say all kinds of things to me, but it was usually quite funny, and I took it as a joke. The OP feels so uncomfortable she feels physically sick. It gets on my nerves when men are so quick to say 'that's not harrassment.' Comments like that can make you very, very uncomfortable to the point you don't feel safe. That's what the laws exist for, so men don't get away with saying all kinds of things and then saying it was a joke. These comments aren't even funny in any way, shape or form.

He will often ask me, have i seen a grown man naked.

Then he starts with naming other men we work with and he talks about them giving me a baby.

How is that NOT sexual harrassment? Especially since the OP doesn't start or join in on the 'jokes' and probably looks very uncomfortable. As well as the fact he only does it when he's alone with her. YOU need to cop on if you think it isn't harrassment. What on earth do you think harrassment IS? Groping her under the desk?

AARRRGH

[quote=[Deleted User];57712354]That's what the laws exist for, so men don't get away with saying all kinds of things and then saying it was a joke. [/QUOTE]

Women sexually harass too you know.

True, but less often and it's less likely/impossible to end in something like rape. I take this stuff seriously since a girl in my old workplace was raped by a weirdo who kept making inappropriate comments and it escalated. I don't want to scare the OP - there are loads of people who stop at the weird comments, but I'd definitely get it noted.

kluivert

Get back on track.

Confront the person and tell them their comments are not welcomed,

Get yourself a digital tape recorder and switch it on, when he makes his comments again, go straight to your manager.

Have you found out if he is making similiar comments to other female staff.

MagicMarker

[quote=[Deleted User];57712354]I've had people say all kinds of things to me, but it was usually quite funny, and I took it as a joke. The OP feels so uncomfortable she feels physically sick. It gets on my nerves when men are so quick to say 'that's not harrassment.' Comments like that can make you very, very uncomfortable to the point you don't feel safe. That's what the laws exist for, so men don't get away with saying all kinds of things and then saying it was a joke. These comments aren't even funny in any way, shape or form.[/QUOTE]

So, it's not sexual harassment, so long as it's funny and taken as a joke? But if it's not funny and taken as a joke it's sexual harassment, even though it may have been intended to be funny and taken as a joke? I think i see a flaw in that logic.

If the OP feels uncomfortable with it, then she should say so, because this guy is obviously oblivious to the fact. I would only consider it sexual harassment if he continued to do it AFTER he was told otherwise. Right now, he just seems like a gobshíte with a really stupid and unfunny sense of humour, believe it or not, they exist, and they're not all big evil men who will rape you in the car park. It also gets on my nerves when women scream ''sexual harassment!!! burn him!!!''.

[quote=[Deleted User];57712354]
How is that NOT sexual harrassment? Especially since the OP doesn't start or join in on the 'jokes' and probably looks very uncomfortable. As well as the fact he only does it when he's alone with her. YOU need to cop on if you think it isn't harrassment. [/QUOTE]

How do you know she looks uncomfortable? Are you there? How do you know she doesn't join in on the jokes? She may be putting a fake smile on out of embarrassment. We do not know what context in which these 'jokes' were made. Unless she actually says, ''Listen, your humour doesn't amuse me and i would appreciate it if you stopped, or i will have to report you'' then he will probably think that she hasn't a problem with it!!

[quote=[Deleted User];57712354]What on earth do you think harrassment IS? Groping her under the desk?[/QUOTE]

Actually, yes, yes i do.. do you not think so?

brightspark

Sexual Harassment is clearly defined by the Equality Authority

What is harassment and sexual harassment?

Harassment is any form of unwanted conduct related to any of the discriminatory grounds.

Sexual harassment is any form of unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature.

In both cases it is conduct which has the purpose or effect of violating a person's dignity and creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for the person.

In both cases the unwanted conduct may include acts, requests, spoken words, gestures or the production, display or circulation of written words, pictures or other material.

A person's rejection of, or submission to, sexual or other harassment may not be used by any other person as a basis for a decision affecting that person.

http://www.equality.ie/index.asp?locID=77&docID=-1#q9


Note this section

"conduct which has the purpose or effect of violating a person's dignity and creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for the person."

In other words if a person feels like they are being sexually harassed it is sexual harassment.

Remember work isn't like a lot of other environments, most people have to work and have no choice about who they work with. That is why the legislation protects the person being harassed.

For that reason employers MUST have a system for dealing with harassment issues, especially as many are easily solved in the early stages by simply making the alleged "harasser" aware that their actions are unwelcome.

MAGIC MARKER --- Just because you would be comfortable standing up for yourself, it doesn't mean everyone is, the OP may be intimidated by her colleague or just lack the communication skills to let him know in a non-confrontational manner how she feels.


OP --- If you can't approach the alleged "harasser" directly, you could try asking another colleague (that you can trust not to gossip with anyone else about the matter) to just let the alleged "harasser" know that they are making you uncomfortable. But failing that you should really bring the issue up with your supervisor.

So, it's not sexual harassment, so long as it's funny and taken as a joke? But if it's not funny and taken as a joke it's sexual harassment, even though it may have been intended to be funny and taken as a joke? I think i see a flaw in that logic.

It's harrassment if the person feels uncomfortable or offended. That's why people should be very careful what they say in work. Those comments are not appropriate for work and should not be made unless you know the person very well and know they'll laugh with you. Common sense.

If the OP feels uncomfortable with it, then she should say so, because this guy is obviously oblivious to the fact.

Oh, is that why he waits until she's alone with him to make these 'jokes'? Why doesn't he do it in front of an office full of people, if they're so innocent?

How do you know she looks uncomfortable? Are you there? How do you know she doesn't join in on the jokes? She may be putting a fake smile on out of embarrassment. We do not know what context in which these 'jokes' were made. Unless she actually says, ''Listen, your humour doesn't amuse me and i would appreciate it if you stopped, or i will have to report you'' then he will probably think that she hasn't a problem with it!!

Did you read her post?

I dont know why he comes out with this, i dont bring it on in any way

I completely ignore him whenever he starts.

Actually, yes, yes i do.. do you not think so?

You obviously have no idea what it is. Legal definition is in brightspark's post.

Chinafoot

unreg.babytalk wrote: »

He will often ask me, have i seen a grown man naked.

Uhm, thats a well known quote from the film 'Airplane!'. Could he be referencing that?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cANNP4ibgM

OP, if it makes you feel uncomfortable ask him to stop. If he persists, speak to a supervisor.

MagicMarker

[quote=[Deleted User];57719033]It's harrassment if the person feels uncomfortable or offended. That's why people should be very careful what they say in work. Those comments are not appropriate for work and should not be made unless you know the person very well and know they'll laugh with you. Common sense.[/QUOTE]

I've heard comments far worse and inappropriate in a work environment, don't remember anyone being reported for sexual harassment.

I get the legal meaning thanks, but things aren't as black and white as you may seem to believe.

If i pass someone in a tight corridor and accidentally brush off them, do i deserve to be reported for sexual harassment, even if in that slight moment they were a little uncomfortable?

If i were in a room full of people, and i made a joke about sex that one person found to be inappropriate, do i deserve to be reported for sexual harassment?

Ya see, when you're wearing your black and white glasses, you'd probably say yes, i would deserve to be reported for sexual harassment, because by the legal definition, it is. But really, it's not. Just like this guy, isn't sexually harassing this girl.

Like i said, he's a bit of an idiot, probably socially inept, who just doesn't have the cop on to realise he's just not funny.

[quote=[Deleted User];57719033]Oh, is that why he waits until she's alone with him to make these 'jokes'? Why doesn't he do it in front of an office full of people, if they're so innocent?[/QUOTE]

Maybe he actually likes her and this is his attempt at trying to impress her? Believe it or not, there are some people who just don't have a clue.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Uhm, thats a well known quote from the film 'Airplane!'. Could he be referencing that?

Context, it's a wonderful thing.

Chinafoot wrote: »

OP, if it makes you feel uncomfortable ask him to stop. If he persists, speak to a supervisor.

+1

I've heard comments far worse and inappropriate in a work environment, don't remember anyone being reported for sexual harassment.

Because the other party probably took is as a joke. The ball is always in the other person's court. If you make inappropriate jokes at work, there's always a possibility of someone taking offense and reporting you. That's why you gauge your audience, so to speak.

If i pass someone in a tight corridor and accidentally brush off them, do i deserve to be reported for sexual harassment, even if in that slight moment they were a little uncomfortable?

It's clearly not the same thing. Doing something once and accidentally is miles away from making weird comments/jokes when you have a female colleague alone with you. It would certainly make me very uncomfortable, and I'm more than able to stand up for myself.

I personally would tell the guy to feck off with his silly jokes and that the next time, I would be reporting him to HR. But it's still putting the OP in an awkward position she shouldn't be in in the first place.

MagicMarker

[quote=[Deleted User];57724345]But it's still putting the OP in an awkward position she shouldn't be in in the first place.[/QUOTE]

Such is life...

She Devil

Yer man does seem weird, but maybe somebody else would find him funny.
I think if he started saying stuff like that to me i'd say something like
"Thats actually not funny, i'm cringing inside for you"
I wouldnt call it sexual harrassement, but if you ask him to stop and he doesnt then i would say its harrassement.

LegacyUser

As a woman who works in a very male orientated workplace most comments you can ignore, but sometimes...just sometimes...it's not just the comments, it's the person aswell.And what might sound like a bit of a joke coming out of one guy sounds totally different coming from another.Especially if it's repeatedly on the same subject at the same times. Sexual harrassment is quite subjective and personally I'd be careful where I say it, but the OP definitely needs to have a word with that guy.Why does he feel he has to pass comment when she has to go to the toilet?And if it's such a joke, why does he only say it when there's nobody else there?That would indicate to me someone who knows what they're saying isn't right and doesn't want others to hear it.And why doesn't he say it to anyone else (I'm assuming as you didn't mention what he's like to others)?And why does he think it's okay to start naming other men who could be the father?What's he trying to imply by that?
As I said, I'd be careful what I call it but if a word with him doesn't solve it then I'd go above his head and say you're not comfortable with these remarks. You've as much right to work there as he does. To be honest he sounds like a completely sad person who needs to get a life, but if you're not happy with it then you've got to do something about it.I'd ask him straight out, dead serious.Just a stupid question like why does he think you're pregnant, or why's he so interested in your bathroom habits?I've no doubt you'll get a response like "it's just a joke"...tell him jokes are only funny once, after that they get boring.There's very few responses to that,coz it's basic and true,though maybe not the smartest reply.But then, he doesn't sound like the most intelligent person in the place either.

WindSock

When he says he is pregnant and off to the jacks to give birth, I would construe that as 'dropping the kids off at the pool'...

LegacyUser

Hello,

I too worked in a make dominated environment for 8 years. I was one of the 1st female engineers with a major company. There was one engineer who kept going on and on and on.... and one day whilst we had a very senior person from the UK over the introduced me as the companys 'Token Engineer'. I stopped in my tracks and asked him, ' did you actually say that to senior management in front of me'... He apologised and said sorry, it was only a joke - my instant answer was, A) that it was not funny, and it was inappropriate. I just as quickly pointed out that I have a degree that came from the same college as him, and did that make him a token engineer.

I know he was smarting and about 3 hours later when he was coming into my office with the same manager, his elbow brushed off my breast and he giggled and turned to the manager and said ' Did you see she just rubbed up against me !' - that was enough. Red rag to a bull. I was p*^£ed - SERIOUSLY P*^£ED. I said nothing there and thought about it and went home and discussed it with my husband. I then went into the office and bounced it off one of the girls who deals with our customers alot. She informed me that with one of our customers - the girls refuse to get into a lift with him on their own because of his comments. That was enough for me.

That afternoon I scheduled a meeting with my manager and calmly explained what happened - I didn't get upset and didn't exaggerate. I stated exactley what happened. He acknowledged everything I was, was very understanding, contacted HR who contacted me and asked me to put it in writing. They contacted the senior management who asked them what happened. He confirmed everything I said.

Heel of the hunt, he was suspended, it's on his work record, the officially apologised to me. He is now dealing with women in work in a much more professional manner because he knows he can't get away with it any more.

Don't get me wrong, I was sick to the stomach doing this. I was a women in the men's club. They were all talking about it, It did change things, but it changed them for the better, the lads knew me, knew I could slag and be slagged with the best of them, knew I wasn't that quick to cry harrassment - but I was not accepting that from him.

If it is affecting your work and is unprofessional and inappropriate in a physical or verbal nature it is harrassment - You are paid to do a job and if you cannot do your job to the best of your ability because of the comments that are being made that do not need to be made - then you need to tell someone. If he is saying this to you, what could he be saying to other people. If he feel's he can get away with it with you - how far will he go. And no I'm not saying he would go as far as saying he might rape, but you don't know. It starts somewhere.

It is hard to be the one stand up and say No, enough is enough, but sometimes - It only takes you to say No once.

You need to accept that something needs to change - But will it change for the better, I think maybe that is up to you !!!!

Thinking of you !

Bitsie

i am a female who has worked in offices with nearly all males in it for years and you cant be too sensitive about stupid jokes they make. The only thing that can be done here is to TELL HIM he is making you uncomfortable otherwise how is he supposed to know he is being a twat! If he still contunes after that, then report him, otherwise, stand up for yourself.