Wife doesn't listen! Ever!

LegacyUser

So I've moved country because my wife needs to be close to her family. Fair enough. I don't mind. Now I'm here I can't work fir another 2 months as I'm waiting on my visa. Again no big deal. I can deal with it!

The problem is that as I could only bring 40kg with me on the plane that's all I've got. Fair enough I have to go without some stuff till we have more money like a car or anything big but again I can deal with this.

Here is my problem: She brought so much furniture to our apartment that I feel closed in by it. I told her this and then a month ago she got another basket and I told her I was feeling clostrophobic from all the stuff and I said I'd deal with it and just not to get any more things!

Now she has just accepted this cabinat from her patents that goes over the toilet. It totally closes me in in the bathroom, one room I felt safe in! I'm a minimalist at heart and she know this by my apartment back in Ireland and from me telling bluntly telling her! She didn't even consult me, it just got tied to the roof of the car!

Also she does no cleaning or laundry or even leaves her clothes all around the bedrom even though she has at least ninety per cent of the space! It was like this when she was living with me in Ireland too, except I was working AND all domestic duties! The only difference is now we split the cooking but even that seems to be more teetering to me to do!

I'm really at the end of my rope now. Honestly I'm thinking of jumping in a plane and getting the he'll home! I know my old job will take me back in a heartbeat!

Advice PLEASE!

dudara

It sounds as if the pair of you got married without knowing each other. How long were you going out before you got married? She's foreign right - what country is she from?

LegacyUser

2 years! And she from the US

metrovelvet

Sell it on craigslist.

Was she like this in Ireland?

Muggy Dev

Wife issues wrote: »

I'm thinking of jumping in a plane and getting the he'll home! I know my old job will take me back in a heartbeat!

Well if it´s that bad,why not do it?

Carrigart Exile

Wife issues wrote: »

So I've moved country because my wife needs to be close to her family. Fair enough. I don't mind. Now I'm here I can't work fir another 2 months as I'm waiting on my visa. Again no big deal. I can deal with it!

The problem is that as I could only bring 40kg with me on the plane that's all I've got. Fair enough I have to go without some stuff till we have more money like a car or anything big but again I can deal with this.

Here is my problem: She brought so much furniture to our apartment that I feel closed in by it. I told her this and then a month ago she got another basket and I told her I was feeling clostrophobic from all the stuff and I said I'd deal with it and just not to get any more things!

Now she has just accepted this cabinat from her patents that goes over the toilet. It totally closes me in in the bathroom, one room I felt safe in! I'm a minimalist at heart and she know this by my apartment back in Ireland and from me telling bluntly telling her! She didn't even consult me, it just got tied to the roof of the car!

Also she does no cleaning or laundry or even leaves her clothes all around the bedrom even though she has at least ninety per cent of the space! It was like this when she was living with me in Ireland too, except I was working AND all domestic duties! The only difference is now we split the cooking but even that seems to be more teetering to me to do!

I'm really at the end of my rope now. Honestly I'm thinking of jumping in a plane and getting the he'll home! I know my old job will take me back in a heartbeat!

Advice PLEASE!

do not pick her stuff up, do not clean up after her, cook meals for yourself only. If she still doesn't get it, come home.

Wibbs

Wife issues wrote: »

So I've moved country because my wife needs to be close to her family. Fair enough. I don't mind. Now I'm here I can't work fir another 2 months as I'm waiting on my visa. Again no big deal. I can deal with it!

this seems awfully familiar. Did you not come here before about this?

The problem is ......

OK the problem as I see it is that you saw what she was like before you left Ireland. You knew this was unlikely to change, but hoped for the best. Now you probably thought that letting her have her way and moving near her family would help, but as you see it hasn't. What it has actually done, is to give her more moral support for her position, now that she has the advantage of home ground. Also moving over was all to do with her, so you've capitulated to her, I suspect not for the first time.

You say she doesn't listen. I contend she does. She listens to you very well in fact. She does something or wants something and you may rant and rave, but you give in I would suspect 90% of the time. Word to the wise that's not compromise. Common mistake people make, Compromise is a two way street.

I'm really at the end of my rope now. Honestly I'm thinking of jumping in a plane and getting the hell home!
Advice PLEASE!

OK and this is only my take, If you want to save this marriage, you have got to change or she never will and indeed why should she? What I reckon has happened here is that she's exchanged one set of parents for another, you. I also reckon her parents spoil her and still treat her somewhat liek a child although she's now a married woman. She also has her parents close by to back all this up. This accusation is often(and rightly so) aimed at men, but it can apply to women to, her apron strings are not cut and that's why she was insistent on going back to her country of origin(beyond simple homesickness), instead she's largely training you in to replace them when the time comes.

I don't mean you should be aggressive, macho or any of that BS either, I mean the simplest thing of all. Mean what you say. IMHO a hell of a lot of problems in relationships where the woman has issues like this is because the man in their life doesn't mean what he says. I've seen this with women mates of mine and their partners. I would say it's one of the biggest reasons women become frustrated at the men in their lives. Consistency and meaning what you say is one of the most important changes you can make in your life. Now I've made the same mistake myself. I've been in relationships where all I seemed to do was constantly placate my partner, thinking this was helping her and us. It wasn't. I was just feeding the problem and not feeding the solution.

So in future, if you have a problem with how the relationship is going, then calmly(and I mean calmly) state your case. If she flips out, let her. Indeed listen intently to her flipping out and her reasons for doing so. If after that and its all calmed down, do try to meet her halfway, but no further, unless you're completely in the wrong. Agree with her point of view and let her know that you value her and her opinion, but you also value your own and should the need arise you will act on that. If you do take a stand over something, stick to it. Even if that means hopping on the next flight home.

If you dont do this, then I can almost guarantee that you will be in the same boat six months from now.

The Sweeper

"blah blah blah you do nothing blah blah blah you're so messy blah blah blah you don't respect me blah blah blah you don't listen blah blah blah"

vs.

"Hi honey. I'm moving to the B&B around the corner until you actually listen to what I say. See ya."

The Corinthian

Wife issues wrote: »

I'm really at the end of my rope now. Honestly I'm thinking of jumping in a plane and getting the he'll home! I know my old job will take me back in a heartbeat!

There are two issues here according to you. Firstly, your wife is acting unilaterally with little interest for your interests or wishes. Secondly, your wife is not pulling her weight. The issues are distinct, but related.

However, I can't help but feel that your account may not be complete. If it were, I'd have to point out that you probably had sufficient warning of your wife's character before you married and really should not have done so. In short, you made your choice and will have to live with it.

Of course, you may not have had warning. We've all heard of cases where one of the spouses changes character the moment a ring is on their finger, and this could be one of these.

On the other hand, and at face value (without further information), you appear to have married an egocentric parasite. If so, getting out as soon as possible may be the best option, especially if you can do so with an annulment rather than a costly divorce.

But this is at face value and in fairness to your wife and marriage, there are a lot of unanswered questions that need to be addressed here before one can really advise you:

• Who is paying the bills now? Back in Ireland?
• Have you sat down with your wife and discussed this? What was her reaction / response?
• What, if anything did she bring to the relationship before marriage? After? Now?
• Are you presently under any other kind of stress that could be compounding things?
• Do you have children together?
• Why did you not see this coming?

LegacyUser

This does sound awfully familiar. This was me 6 - 8 months ago. Like you i moved to the US as my wife was homesick.

Wibbs and Corinthian's advice is spot on. Marrigage is about comprimise and if she is not willing to do that then you have a big problem. Just remember one thing always keep communication open with your wife, she is married to you not her family or her parents. She has to start realising that. Give the states a year and if it doesnt work out then talk to your wife about moving back. Life is too short to be miserable.

What part of the US are you by the way?

Trinity

I think you are picking up on a lot of little things (or not so little) but there is a deeper issue. The furniture makes you feel closed in and trapped? Is this your subconscious telling you are a trapped in a foreign country with no work, probably no friends, no family, no car, did you feel pressured to go over? You need to take some time out and clear your head. You sound so worked up i imagine you in a right state emotionally.

I think you have made a huge sacrifice moving there, you are out of work, you dont have the luxuries you are probably used to and not as much money and you want her to show a little appreciation. Did you expect major changes in her when you moved over?

I think you need to think long and hard about if you have made the right choice moving there to keep her happy. Dont be afraid to come home if you think you have made a mistake.

You are obviously nervous and homesick and she should really realise that and try her best to make the transition easier, its easy for her she is home now but needs to think about you for a while.

John Mason

just get on the plane and come home.

life is too short to be stuck doing something or someone you hate

Movershaker

Hold on, you're thinking about ending your marriage because there's too much furniture in your apartment and your wife is messy? I'm surprised no one has said this already (maybe I missed it) but it sounds like you have way bigger problems if this is the case. In my opinion if the rest of your relationship was fulfilling this wouldn't bother you to such a great extent.

If you love this woman and this is genuinely your only issue, you need to be more assertive. Mean what you say and make sure you're crystal clear about it. Maybe you can come to some sort of compromise.

SarahSassy

The problem is not only that your wife is messy, you knew that, but you are living in a gold fish bowl with too much time on your hands... When you were working and socialising at home you didnt notice so much and now when you have 24 hours per day to think the pressure is getting to you.

She does need to attend to her messiness and also the hoarding. I suspect she is not overly happy with the situation either and may be so happy to be back close to her parents that she wont say no to them. In any event, you need to get busy. Is she like this because she is working and you are at home all day?

Redpunto

It sounds to me like a bit of depression,,, picking up on all the little things, like being messy that in the whole grand scheme of things mean fu*ck all.

Main question to have to ask yourself if do you love her and she the one and only for you.

You probably feel isolated and maybe feel that she should be more sympathetic to your feelings with having to move. She is probably just so excited that you have started your life together, that this guy who loves her so much has moved country just to be with her.

In practicality terms, make sure you get outta the house for the 2 months, do a short training course, voluntary work something,,

Ask her for one room you can design, most of the time it is the women who decides on decor but i understand where youre coming from with the messiness, just dont clean her mess and make sure you do get some space in the apartment where it feels uncluttered to chill.

metrovelvet

^ Yeah I noticed this too. Thought it was a little flippant.

But you know I have a friend who divorced her husband because he got mad at her for leaving spoons with peanut butter on them in the sink and because he hung a big American flag out the window after 911.... she went to England... and THEN claimed it was because he wouldn't move with her... but she moved to England in the first place to get away from him.

On the divorce papers when he claimed, he put the reason "didn't return phone calls."

As the song goes... it's the little things that mean alot...

Redpunto

Wife issues wrote: »

Now she has just accepted this cabinat from her patents that goes over the toilet. It totally closes me in in the bathroom, one room I felt safe in! I'm a minimalist at heart and she know this by my apartment back in Ireland and from me telling bluntly telling her! She didn't even consult me, it just got tied to the roof of the car!

I would defo not think that not consulting you bout a cabinet from her parents is a hanging offence, maybe she felt like she had to take it, was it a gift?? Is so she couldnt have gone, ahhh no thanks.

Marriage is definately not easy, especially when you feel you have given up a hell of a lot to be with her, but I can only assume that you are deeply in love with her to give up that much.