Relationship advice...

LegacyUser

Something I feel I need to get off my chest. I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years now. When we first started going out, it was amazing. The sex, the companionship, and the laugh as well. Her sense of humour just clicked with mine so easily. Now this “honeymoon period” ended (for me anyway) in more of a gradual basis than a sudden one. And for the past year or so, I've been becoming more and more distant with her emotionally. Zoning out when she's talking to me all the time.

Over the course of our relationship she has put on a lot of weight, which really bothers me now. Again, this was gradual, so I couldn't spot it as easily, or I didn't know I had an issue with it until it has come to this stage. But it's not something that I feel I can easily bring up with her, without becoming the bad guy...

....I'm the boyfriend you see. I'm supposed to be the supportive one, right? No matter what. The one person she can turn to when her family might pass judgement on her. I've managed to bring up the weight issue with her on about 2 or 3 occasions – with a lot of pussy-footing about in my approach. But she understood what I was getting at and that I was just very concerned for her. She's acknowledged there's a weight issue, and she said she's going to address it. But I'm not so sure that she's going to succeed. And I feel awful for having that gut feeling. But it's really something that has had such a detrimental effect on our sex life. I don't enjoy sex with her anymore because of it, as I have to force the initial intention to have it with her now.

Now for the extremely horrible part....., I very recently slept with someone else. It was something that was completely unexpected, but at the same time, I didn't have to fight with my conscience before I went ahead with it. No, no. That's something I'm doing now. I discussed my situation with the person I slept with and she felt bad for being “the other woman” etc, but we both agreed that if I were single, there would've been no regret (from either of us) about what had happened. But I feel awful for having cheated in the first place. I won't have the term “once a cheater, always a cheater” apply to me

Which brings me to my main issue. I'm very confused about what I want at the moment, both relationship wise & career wise, and I'm in my mid to late twenties! So it really doesn't help that I'm not even sure what I want. And while I'm trying to make up my mind, I feel like I might be stringing my girlfriend along. I'd really appreciate any advice from people who might have experienced this kind of situation before.

Chinafoot

Unregistered wrote: »

And while I'm trying to make up my mind, I feel like I might be stringing my girlfriend along.

There's no might about it. If you are the point where you've slept with someone else then you need to end things with your girlfriend. If things were as they should be you wouldn't have cheated like that.

You're no longer attracted to her, don't listen to her when she speaks and have had sex with someone else. Do the both of you a favour and walk away.

Curvy Vixen

I think that you need to leave this relationship...it seems to have runs it's course tbh. If you have now slept with someone else I think it's put the seal on it.

Sometimes things just end and it's not because he was a fool or she was a bitch...sometimes you just need to say 'it's been wonderful but it's done now'.

I have been in a similar but opposite situation whereby my OH stopped fancying me after I lost a lot of weight and we wasted nearly 3 years of our lives recognising it but not acting it before we finished. We tried counselling etc. which was helpful actually in helping us see that we weren't meant to be together and that helped. You may have gone beyond the normal 'see a relationship counsellor' advice now though.

funloving

your unconsciousness is speaking to you loudly...
do yourself and your girlfriend a favor..break up!
There's no much to say...you slept with another girl,you dont find her attractive,you dont listen to her...what else do you need?

Wibbs

My take would be that you've nothing to be ashamed about falling out of love with her. It happens. Indeed for 99.999% of couples it happens. At least the passion changes form. Now some will say, "oh no me and my partner still feel the way we did when we first met etc". OK, but if the relationship is under 4 years, 5 at most, then come back to me in a few years hence. Now there are very good couples who are OK and are actually better and stronger than they were at the madness at the start. The slow burning flame types as opposed to the hormone inferno types. Those relationships that survive and grow are those that either by luck or judgement are where the couples realise this and move beyond that into the next step that sees more value staying in the relationship than leaving it. They also are people in their own right that is enhanced by the relationship not imprisoned by it. As an aside, those type of couples the size of the woman is rarely gonna be an issue and if it is it's a small issue born of concern not judgement.

Now you both could have worked at it, but often the end of that phase simply shows up the cracks in the original compatibility between you. Cracks that your wobbly bits and heart covered up. Now your head's involved and as such all bets are off(and your wobbly bits are pointing at someone elses wobbly bits as well).

Following on from that you've also nothing to be ashamed of on the face of it if you have started to find your partner unattractive. For whatever reason. That happens too. In this case it's her weight and that's an emotive issue of course. Fair enough, some like a certain physical look. You could be a woman who is finding her partner unattractive because he's gotten fatter too, or gone bald or gotten depressed or whatever. The list is endless, but that lack of attraction stems from something deeper. Put it this way, of the two women I've loved in my life, I would have stayed with them if they were a talking head in a fish tank(may need to figure out the sex bit but......).

Now we get to the crux of this. You should feel ashamed about the cheating. I know you do and fair enough, but shame is easy. Guilt is a piece of píss, doing something constructive and responsible is the hard bit and that's why you're heads melted.

You need to figure out what you want and I suspect it's tacit permission to leave your current partner and strike out elsewhere. The away game shaggette was as much a symptom of that if nothing else.

OK then do that. Let her go. Yes you will feel guilty and uncomfortable and yes she is going to feel wretched about it, but what's the alternative?

Don't say its her weight(as it kinda isn't if you were deeply compatible). She'll figure it's that anyway. God love her she'll probably use it as an excuse to feel even worse about herself, or hopefully it'll be the catalyst to her making changes in her own head and life, regardless of whether shes a size 8 or 28.

Either way break up with her. Tell her you don't see it going much further and it would be better for both not to end up hurting each other more and hurting each others chances of meeting better people for each other. Don't drag it out either. Don't say you'll be mates right away(you won't, you likely can't be). tell her, I mean really get across to her that, the time you spent together on balance was bloody great, but you both have to move on.

My 2cents anyway.

MagicMarker

Do her a favour, leave her. Don't tell her you slept with someone, you've already told her she's fat, tell her you got it somewhere else and you'll cause serious serious damage that will take her a lot longer to get over than that of you cheating, and she doesn't deserve that.

Your whole post is full of me me me and self pity, have you once thought about your girlfriend? It's quite sad really.

Caros

Do yourself and your girlfriend a favour and get out of the relationship, it's better than flogging a dead horse for another few months/years, and ending up at the same place.
You only have one life. (And so does your gf!)

Jimmy Bottlehead

MagicMarker wrote: »

Do her a favour, leave her. Don't tell her you slept with someone, you've already told her she's fat, tell her you got it somewhere else and you'll cause serious serious damage that will take her a lot longer to get over than that of you cheating, and she doesn't deserve that.

Your whole post is full of me me me and self pity, have you once thought about your girlfriend? It's quite sad really.

Very harsh.

Now I don't condone cheating, but god knows it happens. The guy fell out of love with her, she put on weight, and he didn't find her as attractive or sexually appealing. Which he is quite within his rights to do. Also, he did bring up the weight issue with her, which is good on his part. He didn't 'call her fat' for Christ sake :mad:

OP, just end things with her. Let her know she's an amazing girl, that you had a great time together, but that its just not meant to be... don't tell her about the cheating. If she's not going to find out, then she doesn't need that additional hurt.

Best of luck, man.

Chinafoot

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Now I don't condone cheating, but god knows it happens. The guy fell out of love with her, she put on weight, and he didn't find her as attractive or sexually appealing. Which he is quite within his rights to do.

Yes he is within his rights to stop being attracted to her. However, he is not within his rights to go out and sleep with someone else while staying in a relationship with her.

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Also, he did bring up the weight issue with her, which is good on his part. He didn't 'call her fat' for Christ sake :mad:

No matter what way he said it, you can be guaranteed that as far as she is concerned, he called her fat. Also, saying he should be commended for bringing it up with her smacks of "well, she had her chance to do something about it.."

The OP needs to be honest with this girl and end things. He has treated this girl very poorly. If she finds out that you not only slept with someone else, but also discussed your relationship problems with this other girl she'd be devastated.

Grow up and end things and let her find someone who won't treat her so badly.

Edgedinblue

hold on there now boss! you mean to say youve been drifting away for a year and didnt have the balls to talk to her about it?! ya goon!
you say she prob wont get rid of the weight, why should she?! but apart from that, how do you know she wont succeed losing weight? thinking like that wont help anyway!

tough titty, once ya cheat youre gonna get the whole "once a cheater...etc" thing attached to you. deal with it, its your own fault. if you really feel awful about doin that to your girlfriend, you wouldnt have really done it in the first place, nor would you have said to the other girl that it wouldnt have been a problm if you were both single!

own up to it, talk to your girlfriend, end it, and move on.

fala!