some advice needed please.

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this, dont think the person in question is a boards user but you never know.

Im seperated from my wife about 4 yrs now (3 kids). that was such a sh1te breakup (reported to social services for phantom batterings, 1 1/2 years in court just to see my kids etc etc) that i honestly didnt think I would ever want to be with a Girl again.
I was getting on very well with this girl in work (who is seperated from her husband for about the same length of time no kids)and finally screwed up the courage to ask her out (that took about 6 months) and we hit it off straight away, always calling and txting spending lots of time together and banging away like a couple of rabbits. She is very pretty and very easy going, I can talk to her about anything and feel very comfortable around her we are also very sexually compatible.
We went on like this for about 4 months including weekends away and meeting her parents,directly after which she rang me to break a date we had coz she needed some time to herself, grand says I. 2 days later she rings me and says she doesnt want to go out anymore that she is not ready for a relationship and just wants to be by herself??
Im really upset about this and dont know what to do. I have had a couple of lengthy chats with her and have told her that I am really fond of her and would like to continue seeing her.

ok nothing unusual with all that you would think. what has me confused is that a week ago she was dragging me off to bed any chance she got,telling me she loved me when she was pissed, talking about christmas plans, organising a trip to visit my sister........now its I dont want a relationship wtf??

as far as I know there is no other guy in the picture (im 99.9% sure)
I have asked her to reconsider and we are going to talk more later on in the week, she has started txting me again but there are no kisses on the end of the messages like before and my name is always used rather than honey or some such, is there anything else i can do???

this might sound like a pretty lightweight problem to some folks, but to me after the breakup of my marriage (that story would fill a book and left me in a very emotionally fragile place) after which I swore i would never allow someone else to be able to affect my happyness and finally finding someone I am comfortable with, to have this happen its devastating.
so please keep the 'move on' and 'more fish in the sea' comments, because for me there isnt and I dont know what to do :-(

Thanks for listening.

Wibbs

It sounds like she thinks it's going too fast. That's probably the simplest explanation. The sudden emotional turnaround is always a pain to fathom or react to. As I say it usually means there's something on her mind that worried her, that was formless in the back of her mind and then suddenly came into conscious relief very quickly, sometimes in an instant. A lot of the time it's a worry she had right at the very start, but ignored because she wanted to see how it went. It's also possible that what she thought she wanted is not what she thinks she wants now. Who knows. I don't and you're in the dark too. She may be in the dark herself, but something has switched in her head, even if it's a passing thing.

I reckon the same angle on this as in another thread about being dumped; numero Uno Completely agree with her that you need a break. Say you need it too. Say it will be good for both as it was going a bit too fast for you too(even if that's not her reason)*. If she says she needs space, give her all the space she wants. Do not pursue her. Let her do the txting and the ringing etc. The more you pursure the more she will back off. The best you can hope by doing that, is her coming back under a cloud of guilt. That won't last and if it does you'll pay for it down the line. I know you don't want to think about other "fish in the sea", but go out without her. Go out with mates. Flirt with other women. Don't rub this in her face though. She'll figure it anyway.

Basically(though it sounds counterproductive) the best way to get her back is to walk away. It signals to her that you are as equal as she is. At the moment you're the one on the defensive. By doing this now it'll make it easier for you regardless of what happens down the line.

*You may be quite surprised at her reaction.

St Bill

God you've been to hell and back. I'm not surprised you're feeling fragile. But don't read too much into what this girl has done. She has been honest and told you she's not ready to get into a relationship with you. You'll have to take this at face value and not think that she has a motive for ending things.
I don't know what happened between you and your wife, but try not to let what happened then colour what is happening now. And there's no point in you going after a girl when she has said she doesn't want a relationship. Unless she wants a relationship too, it's just not going to work out.
For your own sake, you want someone who wants the same things as you do. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve the best.There are other people out there who want the same things that you want. Don't see it as a chore that you have to find someone else, see it as a new part of life where anything and everything could happen (good and bad, but hopefully it'll err on the good side:))
Good luck

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice folks, and thanks for not just telling me to get over myself.
you are both right of course, its hard though, I work right beside her. Im gonna call her this afternoon and tell her that ill respect her decision whatever it is.

@wibbs. I also think that there is something underlying behind this but she wont admit it and wont talk about it.

Wibbs

Fair play. Now it won't be easy. This crap never is, but it's a far better bet. If you haven't called her already, I would not so much go down the route of respecting her decision angle. If you do make it a positive thing as opposed to sounding like defeat if you know what I mean. I'd damn near positively agree with her about it. Sounds mad, but... Try to imagine that the relationship was going nowhere anyway(which at the moment it is) and you're quietly relieved that you're now free to explore other options dating wise(which in actuality you are). It's all about perception.

Having to work with her will be a strain, but if you can try to keep it upbeat. As if it never happened with her in the first place. At the times when you feel like slipping(and you will), try to imagine that you've just met her and are not that pushed but you think she's cool.

It may sound like you're faking it and you are, but we all cover up our feelings in little ways one way or another every day. Now others may think this is playing games. Again we all play games all the time, just some do it naturally and don't notice. It is a game, but the goal of this game is to get your head straight.

Forget her for the moment. Now you mention she may have something underlying this, some baggage or other. Well OK, but do you have Aer Rianta baggage handler as your job description? I suspect not, so why worry about her issues and baggage? OK we should support others whom we get reciprocal feelings from, but she's chosen to move away from that. It's her responsibility to get her own head straight not yours. This may sound cold, but it's really not. Look after yourself and your own growth first. You can only support another in their times of need, if you have the strength to support yourself first. In the end if we all examined, learned from and looked after our own issues, then the world would be a damned sight better place.

Best o luck anyway.