Am i gone crazy, am i wrong

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to begin here. Sorry if this doesnt make sense. Basically what i want to know is if i am over reacting and a bad b*tch.

Some backround information that may be relevant to how i'm feeling inside. Had an abortion four years ago and took me a long long time to get over that and put it behind me...mostly. It's something i deeply regret and used to think of non stop but i had councilling and was seeing a psychiatrist after a suicide attempt (abortion and violent alcoholic relationship sent me over the edge once). I was put on anti depressants and told i had post partum something and post traumatic stress. came off the tablets and decided life goes on and get my life in order as it was an utter mess. Dumped my no good ex and for once never took him back, got guards involved and was pretty much left alone by him.

Dumped him, moved back home, left job i hated, and looked after me. Didn't bother with men, was happy on my own and improved my life to where i loved every second of it.

Met current partner 7 months ago. Well i've known him about a year and a half. Got together after a drunken night out. When he started texting more flirtacious i got kind of nervous and told him i wasn't interested in a relationship (at the time i still had ex threatening to kill me, beating the crap out of my car trying to get in at me etc) and just knew i would get more hassle and wasn't interested in getting involved. Anyway long story short i ended up in a relationshiop with him and he is the best in the world and i know he loves me and all that. By the way his brother hates me and has a go at me at every possible oppertunity, accusing me of cheating all over the place including with my own nephew. Caused murder one night not realising it was my nephew i hugged in a nightclub, and to this day still doesn't know as when he started screaming and shouting at me i was too stunned to say antyhing and my nephew just thought he wasn't worth the trouble. My partner knows of this, he was in the toilet when all the chaos happened and i left.

In august i found out i was pregnant. Wicked shock but thought well it's not the end of the world. For him it probably was as he said his family would kick him out. I wasn't worried about telling my family, they had went apesh*t last time but this time i was prepared to battle it out and tell them to mind their own business if it came to it. It didn't. I was due to go for my booking appointment in september and was told i was having a sacn as on previous pregnancy they had thought i was miscarrying (and probably would of if hadnt of went to england but will never know). My partner decided he wouldn't go with me. Ok i was bit peed off but i said ok he doesn't like hospitals, he hasn't told his parents so he wouldnt be able to explain where he was going for an hour. The day before the appointment i started bleeding and caredoc advised me to get to the hospital straight away. Partner again wouldnt go. Went to the hospital, had a scan, turns out i was having twins but threathening miscarriage due to bleeding and told to go back in three days to be scanned. Again partner wouldnt go. Went myself and found out things weren't measuring as they should, wait two weeks and if i didn't miscarry in the mean time to go back for scan. Week later bleeding started up again, again scan and he wouldnt go. Everytime i went for a scan i was basically told it wasnt good news but wait a week and go back. I started getting angry i was doing it all on my own. Going on my own everytime and breaking my heart crying when i got home from there. Even though he wouldn't go to the hospital i really wanted him to call over to me in the evening but he didn't bother. Just texted, no phone calls. Told him i was sick of texts, childish every conversation, and important ones at that, were text so told him to lay off the texts, talk to me in person. I must have had about 9 scans in total. Always there on my own. One of the scans found out one of the twins wasn't viable but i hadn't miscarried. Sent home to wait a week. Did he come see me? No. Did he even spend a night at weekend with me? No. He was out with his friends. Long story short weeks later and scans later, second twin gone. As i was over three months there was risk of infection apparently but if i wanted to wait naturally i could. I had already waited a number of weeks to miscarry the first twin with nothing happening so i knew i couldnt wait any longer. Day i went in for d&c was he with me? Heck no. But i did get a text wishing me luck and how sorry he was i was going through this and he loved me. A TEXT. So went had the d&c and as he didn't bother his backside dropping me down or collecting me, i drove myself (hospital didn't know this, insisted i couldn't drive after the GA). That was last week.

Sunday night i blew my lid. Everything built up and he hadn't listened to anything for weeks that i had been saying. I told him how i felt alone, how upset i was, how he had been a waste of space in it all and left me off to deal with it all myself and that fair enough if he didnt like hospitals he could of been there for me away from the hospital, ie, in evening. I told him how i felt i was ok to spend time with on a Tuesday and Thursday but weekend he was always on missing list, monday he was recovering and too tired to see me. Shur i may as well be single as see him once or twice a week and going out seperate. By the way i am not a drinker (used to be but after abortion i went off my head everytime i drank and got scared to drink) so dont particularly like spending three nights a weekend in a pub. Dont get me wrong, i love going out and i have no problems drinking water, i enjoy my night better knowing i'm not going to pass out and only be nervous if i drank. He don't get this and says shur one won't harm you but it's never one. I hadn't drank in about two years when i met him and have drank some weekends and hate it cause i end up on a right downer for days afterwards.

So anyway i flipped my lid and said everything and maybe i said it in too nasty a way but he ended up crying and decided to break up. That was fine. Came back few days later in a text and said he was willing to give it one more shot, that he didn't want to lose me etc. Saw him one night and apologised for how i said things and that i never meant to upset him but i also can't help how i feel and maybe its hormones or i'm crazy but i really feel a lot of this is his fault. I know i am not faultless, far from it. But again i haven't seen him now since wednesday, he went out with friends last night, tonight, going out with them tomorrow and all day monday. So i'm like whats the f*cking point!

Am i gone nuts! IS it right not to spend anytime together on a weekend. See ex was in the pub 7 nights a week and 3 days and i never was with him so i dunno what the heck is normal! Is it ok that he never bothered being with me in any of this. (none of his family know and his family and friends seeing me think i just got fat, and that pisses me off too)

Edgedinblue

he's jst an ass, he needs a good kick in the arse! things like getting pregnant happen, its not the end of the world. and sure what can his family do? kick him out? doubt they're that oldfashioned!! defo shouldnt hide it from his family, more then likely they'd be extremly helpful with it all.
and it ISNT right to not see eachother, you defo need more then once a week. doesnt matter either if he likes hospitals or not!

Kevster

Hi,

You have every right to be exceptionally frustrated and angered by your partners behaviour. Answer me this: Has anything truly changed since you and he got back together? He claimed that he didn't want to lose you, but that's not good enough. He has to accept you AND your children. His behaviour indicates that he has no intention of being there for the children. If he does, he will hardly love them or be a good father. So, ask yourself this question: Is he worth the hassle? I suggest that he isn't, but my knowledge in this situation is limited to what you have presented here in your post.

Take care,
Kevin

LegacyUser

Didn't think his family would be so drastic, they are in their late 70's. (like my own father!) so maybe the would have but think that's where i said to him back few weeks ago he should "grow some balls". Know i shouldn't have said it but i was fed up. Doubt his family would be helpful, have never bothered to speak to me since we got together (did beofre if i met them on street) and i believe the brother has told them all sorts about me. Doesn't really bother me what they think of me as they don't know me so leave them off. My family were supportive.
Kevster - there is no kids. I miscarried. However he had spoke about getting a place together etc, but thats irrelevant now (by the way i said no to that option when suggested).
How do i tell him calmly that i'm bored of him going to pub every weekend and not doing anything together and he'll just say but i asked you to go to the pub whereas i told him i'm bored of pubs all the time if i want to get out of the house with him. I've said it loads of times but thats my answer. Feel like i'm trying to keep him in or away from hi friends which isn't the case, just like to do something with him now and again. I guess i just don't know how to get it across without him thinking i'm "having a go". Don't think he has ever went out with anyone before, others have told me and he has told me as much so i just don't know.

I know my hormones are crazy, tests are still showing pregnant so hormone levels are dropping and probably making me an irrational mess. Even today i have been in tears and i don't really know why. Just don't know how to speak to him cause he is really soft and anything i say seems to be taken wrong or not understood or nothing changes. I reassure him how i feel about him and that im not having a go (well i did rightly have a go sunday night, i verbally bashed him which i shouldnt have done but was sick of it), but even though he's the best in the world when we are together just once a week doesnt do it for me.

LegacyUser

We are no teenagers, i'm late 20's, he's early 30's.

LegacyUser

hes an idiot, he is immature and should cop on.
My brother, when he was 18 had a child with his gfriend, more or less straight away he told my parents, my dad flipped but he calmed down after a few months. They got their own place, my brother grew a pair of balls, calmed down and became a man. And my parents (esp my dad) is thankful on a daily basis for the granddaughter for calming him down.

That person you are involved with sounds like he's not ready to grow up, if he cant even go to the hospital with you that should say enough. And what is he doing still living at home?? He should move out and learn to live and sustain himself without his parents consent!

On a side note, Ive been living on my own since I was 18! You learn quickly how to fend for yourself and you grow up, and if my former GF had gotten pregnant it wouldnt have been the end of the world! FFS

Point him in the direction of this post, he needs to wake up and grow up.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your responses.

He lives at home as farming background and he's the one that works it.

Yeah my brother was same as yours. GF got pregnant at 17, my dad went ballistic. Then she got pregnant at 18....19....20....and 21 so he got used to it lol.

Karen_*

Christ almighty OP thats a very traumatic time you're after going through. On your own. The first thing I'd recommend you do is go to Cura and ask for some counselling to sort your head out and work through all those emotions. Your partner is very unsupportive and no its not normal to not see each other on the weekend. And he might not like hospitals but if a relative was dying in one would he not go to see them? There is no excuse that fits his behaviour to be honest. You say he loves you. Well love doesn't do a dissappearing act and send a few texts when the going gets tough. If you think thats love then you don't love yourself.

My heart goes out to you OP. Please talk to someone and get some help because you've been through an awful awful time and you need some care.

MagicMarker

OP i would have to say you should absolutely get this waster out of your life. He is a pathetic excuse of a man.

You are not being irrational in the slightest, but if you continue to see this guy then your life will be hell, he doesn't give a fúck about anything but himself.

LegacyUser

Thanks karen

He hasn't been in a hospital since an immediate family member died. That i can grasp, its afterwards and stuff that i can't. Don't particularly like hospitals myself, this year alone i've been in them constantly as my father got 2 major and several mini strokes, has an anurism, Lost use of his legs, speech, etc, ended up with bleed on brain and had brain surgery while awake cause too weak for GA. Was in local hospital for six weeks while got house adapted so could bring him home. So i know what hating hospitals is like but i don't have an innate fear of them.

Regarding councilling, i think i'm ok on this pregnancy, last time i went off my head cause it was pure guilt and regret. this time i'm sad but i don't blame myself, i did everything i possible could (stopped smoking, ate properly, took care of myself) so i don't have rotten guilt. I can accept it wasn't meant to be. They offered me councilling but i have declined for the time being.

I'm gonna have a chat to him again about this weekend stuff. I'll let the stuff regarding the being there not being there the last three months out of it and let that go, i've made feelings clear on that and what's done is done there and aired how i feel and not much more to be said on that. But gotta sort out the time spent together, i think it may be a case of different lifestyles and may be time to part ways. Just don't know how to explain it all.

And maybe your right Karen, right now i don't love myself too much. Feel fat and rotten and hitting the gym to sort that out once the bleeding stops.

LegacyUser

Well that's me dumped. He went out last night and texted me at 6am and told him i didn't think it was acceptable. He TEXTED again this morning and said we finished so. Said not what i said but if that's what he wanted. He replied "end". Just said ok no problem, once again something important in text.

So that be that. Can't say i'm overly upset right now.

Jack B. Badd

Unregistered wrote: »

he is the best in the world and i know he loves me and all that.

No, he isn't the best in the world and he doesn't love you half as much as he loves himself from the sounds of it. He's a 30 odd year old boy who couldn't cut it when it came to crunch time. He is 50% responsible for your pregnancy and he left you to go through all that you did on your own. And when you called him on it, he cried at you!
OP, do yourself a favour - dump him. If you want to do him a favour, you can land a few home truths on him while your at it. He may actually learn from it and grow a pair. It may seem like hard work but you're so much better off on your own that you are with this idiot. There are support groups that can help you through this as can your family. Good luck.

Edit: Just noticed that it's over. You're better off tbh.

Karen_*

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks karen

He hasn't been in a hospital since an immediate family member died. That i can grasp, its afterwards and stuff that i can't. Don't particularly like hospitals myself, this year alone i've been in them constantly as my father got 2 major and several mini strokes, has an anurism, Lost use of his legs, speech, etc, ended up with bleed on brain and had brain surgery while awake cause too weak for GA. Was in local hospital for six weeks while got house adapted so could bring him home. So i know what hating hospitals is like but i don't have an innate fear of them.

Regarding councilling, i think i'm ok on this pregnancy, last time i went off my head cause it was pure guilt and regret. this time i'm sad but i don't blame myself, i did everything i possible could (stopped smoking, ate properly, took care of myself) so i don't have rotten guilt. I can accept it wasn't meant to be. They offered me councilling but i have declined for the time being.

I'm gonna have a chat to him again about this weekend stuff. I'll let the stuff regarding the being there not being there the last three months out of it and let that go, i've made feelings clear on that and what's done is done there and aired how i feel and not much more to be said on that. But gotta sort out the time spent together, i think it may be a case of different lifestyles and may be time to part ways. Just don't know how to explain it all.

And maybe your right Karen, right now i don't love myself too much. Feel fat and rotten and hitting the gym to sort that out once the bleeding stops.

OP please don't feel guilty about the abortion you had. No one goes through with that unless its absolutely the only way out at the time and having a baby isn't an option. You have to put it behind you. Its a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through and you really have to forgive yourself. You've suffered enough now and you have to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break eh?

As regards this pregnancy well as you said yourself these things happen. They do and there's no explaination for it but its very difficult and hugely traumatic and thats what comes over in your post is that you are very traumatised by all of these different things and you've coped very much on your own. I could actually feel the hurt coming off the page and got tearful myself!

I just think you need some time on your own to sort you out and thats not saying there's anything wrong with you but you're very vulnerable at the moment and you're grieving. You can't be in control of things when you're feeling like that. And his behaviour is very below par. I'm not going to say dump him because well, thats the easy thing to say but its really something you have to come around to yourself and even at that I don't you're up to big decisions. But maybe tell him you don't want to see him for four weeks so you can get some time with yourself. You are the most important person here and where there is lack of support then you have to start taking care of yourself. Imagine yourself as a close friend and then act as though you were helping her out. What would you do?

OP I know you don't feel like talking to someone but often when we need to talk the most we don't feel like it. Please keep it as an option.

Hugs to you x

Karen_*

Unregistered wrote: »

Well that's me dumped. He went out last night and texted me at 6am and told him i didn't think it was acceptable. He TEXTED again this morning and said we finished so. Said not what i said but if that's what he wanted. He replied "end". Just said ok no problem, once again something important in text.

So that be that. Can't say i'm overly upset right now.

Just read this now! Painful but he's done you a big favour. This could be the best thing to ever happen to you. He is absolutely no loss and you know it. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk OP.

funloving

MagicMarker wrote: »

OP i would have to say you should absolutely get this waster out of your life. He is a pathetic excuse of a man.

You are not being irrational in the slightest, but if you continue to see this guy then your life will be hell, he doesn't give a fúck about anything but himself.

keeping this man in your life will only make you feel worse...get rid of him asap!

Caros

Honestly, you've been done a favour girl!
Stand back and say if a friend's bf did this to her, you would be thinking what a non supportive, uncaring tosser and she'd be miles btter off without him. In this day and age going home and telling one's parents their son's gf is pregnant is not such a big deal surely? If he had any serious thoughts of a long term future with you would it matter?
You sound like a sensitive caring young woman, you're better off without the dead beat!

DeiseChick87

ok first things first ...ur not being a b*tch. Everything u said can be justified!

U deserve so much better! And dont be sad that he's not a part of ur life anymore ...he sud b sad that he's not apart of urs.

Surround urself with family n friends, not wit sum1 who treats u like crap!