Relationship advice

LegacyUser

hi all. ive been with a girl for 2 years now at this stage and weve broken up. it was probably the best relationship ive ever been involved in. on the day of the breakup we both said we still love each other, etc. just before the breakup there were no signs of it coming. we had nice meals, cinema, etc. the usual business from a good, healthy relationship. were both the same age, early 20s.

she broke up with me, and its all a little sudden given how good we were beforehand. her reasons for breaking up were that she feels like shes taken advantage of the relationship because shes been flirty when out with friends (done nothing though!) and that her heads a bit mixed up.

even on the day of breakup we spent the night together and took our sweet time saying goodbye, in floods of tears.

im massively bewildered by the whole thing. its been a week without contact and im slowly dying off here. im not sure if this is a break up or a break from the relationship.

should i hang on and wait to talk to her when the dust settles or just move on now?

Wibbs

OK my humble? First off and although it may seem counter intuitive, the faster you move on the faster the dust will settle. More on that later.

Secondly, this is crisis time. Breaks in 99% of good long termers are breakups. They may not start out like that, but the person being left behind, again 99% of the time, turns them into one.

You're together two years. A typically twitchy time. The first run of hormone fueled madness has eased off, so now you're into the real long term bit. The "future"(cue dramatic tone..). Now her head being messed up, isn't sure what she wants, confusion, etc are common enough answers to the question of what's going on.

What's going on is that she's at the stage of taking the next step in the relationship(a step men rarely see as obviously) and simply isn't sure she wants to do that with you. It's as simple as that. Now she won't say that. Indeed she may not even know that, but she does know that something's amiss.

Her comments about flirting and taking advantage of the relationship are examples of this decision process in her head. As she's moved beyond the obvious "I'm soooo in love and think of nobody else but him" and into the "I do love him, but for the first time I'm looking at other men and I'm not sure I love him enough". She's feeling confused and guilty, hence the tears and hence keeping the romantic stuff up even as you split. The latter is her trying to almost convince herself and test herself by this contact she still feels the "spark".

Now this happens to every long termer, but the ones that continue and grow from that have a stronger pull in the relationship than outside it. If the person has gone through this before and recognises it it also tends to go more smoothly.

Now you say this is out of the blue, but is there anything that has changed or she has said has changed(and you didn't listen at the time)? These are questions you have to seek answers to. If you do find answers to that, then they are things that must be addressed or there's no hope of a reconciliation working out.

If you truly deep down believe this is worth saving then by all means go for it. Don't leave the thinking to your heart, give your head a chance. Look at the relationship as objectively as you can. Was it good for you or are you just afraid you won't get that again? Was it good for her? Could you see yourself truly being with her for the rest of your days, or even for the next ten years? Are your feelings now, born of fear or are they born of a real true connection? Your heart will sustain you through the in love stage, but you'll never sustain a truly deep long termer relying on your heart(or willy) alone. The heart will usually make a break a breakup.

Now back to moving on. Now moving on could mean moving on from her, or it could mean moving on with her. Although the outcome may appear at polar opposites, it's actually the same process.

How do you do this? This may sound mad, but the first thing you do is agree with her. Agree that you should break up and see how you both feel. Stop telling her you love her all the time. That forces her to feel guilty for having the feelings she has and subconsciously tells her that you're thinking more about how you feel and your needs. Tell her once and walk away.

Go out with your friends again. Re connect with you as a person. Go out and flirt with other women(even if you don't feel it). Don't rebound on another woman though. A drunken snog at the end of the night is not out of bounds though. Be aware that she'll likely do the same to figure out her feelings. If you can't handle that, then just breakup for good. Do not discuss this time apart if you do get back on track and don't use it as a weapon in the future.

Reduce contact with her. Let her contact you for the most part. When she does, be nice and respectful to her. Do not bring up the past. Treat her like a woman you've just met and are still feeling out emotionally. Let her come to you as she is the one who has suggested this breakup.

If she does suggest meeting, don't make it a heavy meeting. Keep it light and fun.

What all of this signals to her is that you're thinking with your head, you're your own person, who while wanting her in his life, doesn't need her in his life to be your own person. This is very attractive. Make no mistake.

If none of this works to get her back by trying to move on, even if it's faking it at the moment, it'll make this difficult time easier.

Thats the gist of it anyway.

Good luck.

samhail

nice detailed reply there gibbs.

also remember you are only a wee kid... and there are plenty more fish in the sea.

MugMugs

Wibbs wrote: »

OK my humble? First off and although it may seem counter intuitive, the faster you move on the faster the dust will settle. More on that later.

Secondly, this is crisis time. Breaks in 99% of good long termers are breakups. They may not start out like that, but the person being left behind, again 99% of the time, turns them into one.

You're together two years. A typically twitchy time. The first run of hormone fueled madness has eased off, so now you're into the real long term bit. The "future"(cue dramatic tone..). Now her head being messed up, isn't sure what she wants, confusion, etc are common enough answers to the question of what's going on.

What's going on is that she's at the stage of taking the next step in the relationship(a step men rarely see as obviously) and simply isn't sure she wants to do that with you. It's as simple as that. Now she won't say that. Indeed she may not even know that, but she does know that something's amiss.

Her comments about flirting and taking advantage of the relationship are examples of this decision process in her head. As she's moved beyond the obvious "I'm soooo in love and think of nobody else but him" and into the "I do love him, but for the first time I'm looking at other men and I'm not sure I love him enough". She's feeling confused and guilty, hence the tears and hence keeping the romantic stuff up even as you split. The latter is her trying to almost convince herself and test herself by this contact she still feels the "spark".

Now this happens to every long termer, but the ones that continue and grow from that have a stronger pull in the relationship than outside it. If the person has gone through this before and recognises it it also tends to go more smoothly.

Now you say this is out of the blue, but is there anything that has changed or she has said has changed(and you didn't listen at the time)? These are questions you have to seek answers to. If you do find answers to that, then they are things that must be addressed or there's no hope of a reconciliation working out.

If you truly deep down believe this is worth saving then by all means go for it. Don't leave the thinking to your heart, give your head a chance. Look at the relationship as objectively as you can. Was it good for you or are you just afraid you won't get that again? Was it good for her? Could you see yourself truly being with her for the rest of your days, or even for the next ten years? Are your feelings now, born of fear or are they born of a real true connection? Your heart will sustain you through the in love stage, but you'll never sustain a truly deep long termer relying on your heart(or willy) alone. The heart will usually make a break a breakup.

Now back to moving on. Now moving on could mean moving on from her, or it could mean moving on with her. Although the outcome may appear at polar opposites, it's actually the same process.

How do you do this? This may sound mad, but the first thing you do is agree with her. Agree that you should break up and see how you both feel. Stop telling her you love her all the time. That forces her to feel guilty for having the feelings she has and subconsciously tells her that you're thinking more about how you feel and your needs. Tell her once and walk away.

Go out with your friends again. Re connect with you as a person. Go out and flirt with other women(even if you don't feel it). Don't rebound on another woman though. A drunken snog at the end of the night is not out of bounds though. Be aware that she'll likely do the same to figure out her feelings. If you can't handle that, then just breakup for good. Do not discuss this time apart if you do get back on track and don't use it as a weapon in the future.

Reduce contact with her. Let her contact you for the most part. When she does, be nice and respectful to her. Do not bring up the past. Treat her like a woman you've just met and are still feeling out emotionally. Let her come to you as she is the one who has suggested this breakup.

If she does suggest meeting, don't make it a heavy meeting. Keep it light and fun.

What all of this signals to her is that you're thinking with your head, you're your own person, who while wanting her in his life, doesn't need her in his life to be your own person. This is very attractive. Make no mistake.

If none of this works to get her back by trying to move on, even if it's faking it at the moment, it'll make this difficult time easier.

Thats the gist of it anyway.

Good luck.

Eh, Thats pretty flawless advice right there.

OP - I was and probably still kinda am in the same boat as you. Fairly simular circumstances and being honest, I havent heard from her since.

I still love her and know if I had a moment of weakness would jump back in there but I feel your girls excuse is exactly that. An excuse.

Sorry mate but there plenty more fish in the sea !

Get out there and start fishing ! The first one is the hardest by the way...

projectmayhem

MugMugs wrote: »

OP - I was and probably still kinda am in the same boat as you. Fairly simular circumstances and being honest, I havent heard from her since.

I still love her and know if I had a moment of weakness would jump back in there but I feel your girls excuse is exactly that. An excuse.

Sorry mate but there plenty more fish in the sea !

Get out there and start fishing ! The first one is the hardest by the way...

Ditto. Too soon for me to go fishing but it's probably time for me to get back to hanging out with my friends. I haven't seen some of them in months, maybe even over a year.

yermandan

Wibbs, teach me your ways. Amazing advice from Wibbs OP and a piece of writing that you should print off and read over and over again.

Dan:cool:

Beetlebum

yermandan wrote: »

Wibbs, teach me your ways. Amazing advice from Wibbs OP and a piece of writing that you should print off and read over and over again.

Dan:cool:

My thoughts exactly. Wibbs helped me through my break up in a big way. Take his advice and you'll be set either way, with or without her. I know it's hard, It's been over two years for me and although the wound has healed, the scar is still there and if he came back on the scene I can only hope I'd be strong enough to not pick at the scar. Good luck, you'll get through this. Love hurts but it makes you a stronger more interseting person.

LegacyUser

bumping this back up again. i'm the departed boyfriend from the original post, by the way

so some time has passed and ive followed wibbs advice to a tee. we have spoken on the phone and passed text messages back and forth since breaking up. nothing heavy, just general "how are you" type of stuff.

now she has brought up the idea of "going to the cinema or something" soon. obviously i'm not over the relationship but looking at it objectively, i was right to say it was the best relationship ever and it would be worth saving. but my thoughts now are that she may just want to go to the cinema with me as a friend.

since the original advice worked, i may as well return for more. should i go and see how we get on, if the spark is still there after a few weeks apart, or should i tell her that i'm simply not ready (if i'm going to feel out the relationship and shes not it's not exactly right or fair)?

thanks again guys.