Unable to perform

LegacyUser

first off, I know there is a sex and sexuality forum but please don't move this there as this is now a serious PI for me as it's affecting my self esteem and starting to really depress me.

I just started going out with a girl about a month ago and in the time we've been going out I havent been able to get it up for her. I know it has to be psychological because she has got me hard and to climax in other ways but when it comes to being intimate I freeze up. The other thing I should mention is that it's not a physical problem seeing as it hasn't been a problem (bar the odd drunken night) with ex-girlfriends, in fact with my previous girlfriends I enjoyed an active sex life. Also there's the more obvious way of knowing its not physical and that checks out too.

I had a one night stand a few months ago and the same thing happened and again when we tried an hour later. Then again a few weeks later with a different girl. It's been eating away at me since to the point where I feel like it's become a mental block. I know the usual remedies of "relax" and "try not to think about it" etc but it's really not working. And the worst part is that deep down I'm WAY more attracted to her than any other girls I've ever been with but I'm just so lacking in confidence on it now that I'm scared I'm not going to be good enough for her sexually.

To be fair to her shes been very supportive telling me not to worry about it and she has never said anything negative whatsoever.

The thing that gets me so badly is that I know that my brain is causing the problem but I'm getting scared now that if it keeps happening that it will drive a wedge between us. And the worst part is that I fantasize about this girl a lot, I mean she really gets me going, but when the time comes to it I'm crippled by anxiety.




Sorry, i just really need to somehow beat this, it's really driving me mad. Please help me.

LegacyUser

Something I'm thinking of doing is abstaining from masturbation until the next time we are together. I'm getting desperate now as its really eating at me. I know it's performance anxiety but i don't know how to beat it.

Also could a moderator please change the thread title to "Unable to perform" or something to that effect please.

trowelled

I'm sorry to hear this is getting you down. Ordinarily I would attribute this to the fact that you really like this girl and that you feel under pressure to please her. However, you mentioned that this happenend with two one night stands! Have you been under any pressure or stress of late?? Stress can really wreak havoc with the body, I know all too well about that of late!!

I do hope you sort things out and thankfully, as you said, the girl has been supportive and understanding!

LegacyUser

trowelled wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear this is getting you down. Ordinarily I would attribute this to the fact that you really like this girl and that you feel under pressure to please her. However, you mentioned that this happenend with two one night stands! Have you been under any pressure or stress of late?? Stress can really wreak havoc with the body, I know all too well about that of late!!

I do hope you sort things out and thankfully, as you said, the girl has been supportive and understanding!

Well the one night stands had alcohol involved so they weren't affecting me until it happened with my girlfriend. I had just put it down to being drunk and shrugged it off. It's only now that it's happened sober that it's playing on my mind. I am the kind of person who needs to please the girl I'm with before I get going myself, it's just my personality and the way I am. I have been under stress with work and not sleeping all that well.

You are right though, I do feel pressure to please her, she has told me before that she does not usually achieve climax through any way other than intercourse so i feel extra pressure to be able to please her.

I do have to say that her being supportive and all that is a huge relief. I just feel like a failure. She was doing her best to raise my spirits and the last time it happened she made an effort to be even more affectionate than she would normally be which is definitely her way of trying to put me at ease. But I know i won't be at ease until I beat this and actually give her what she deserves.

trowelled

Unregistered wrote: »

Well the one night stands had alcohol involved so they weren't affecting me until it happened with my girlfriend. I had just put it down to being drunk and shrugged it off. It's only now that it's happened sober that it's playing on my mind. I am the kind of person who needs to please the girl I'm with before I get going myself, it's just my personality and the way I am. I have been under stress with work and not sleeping all that well.

You are right though, I do feel pressure to please her, she has told me before that she does not usually achieve climax through any way other than intercourse so i feel extra pressure to be able to please her.

I do have to say that her being supportive and all that is a huge relief. I just feel like a failure. She was doing her best to raise my spirits and the last time it happened she made an effort to be even more affectionate than she would normally be which is definitely her way of trying to put me at ease. But I know i won't be at ease until I beat this and actually give her what she deserves.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself. It will ll come in time. The stress could be a major factor though, don't underestimate it!! Just relax and stop trying to think about making her climax, just enjoy the moment and take it from there. Hope you do sort it

Bonzo1970

Go see a Doctor ASAP. Firstly there could be a serious medical reason why this has occurred. Secondly the doctor can prescribe you pills. Cialis or Viagra. Blood tests will reveal whether or not you have a medical issue. If its psychological then the pills will help you get your confidence back. A friend of mine (yes it is a friend) had a bad patch-went on cialis and says it was the best sex he ever had:o

In the meantime explain to the lassie that its not her but you and if she doesnt give you space to sort this out then she is not worth having around.

LegacyUser

Bonzo1970 wrote: »

Go see a Doctor ASAP. Firstly there could be a serious medical reason why this has occurred. Secondly the doctor can prescribe you pills. Cialis or Viagra. Blood tests will reveal whether or not you have a medical issue. If its psychological then the pills will help you get your confidence back. A friend of mine (yes it is a friend) had a bad patch-went on cialis and says it was the best sex he ever had:o

In the meantime explain to the lassie that its not her but you and if she doesnt give you space to sort this out then she is not worth having around.

You see the thing is I am able to get erections by myself, and I told you earlier in this thread she brought me to climax through an alternative method only last week so I HIGHLY doubt there's any medical reason. It's in my head, I'm trying to find out how to overcome it.

Bonzo1970

Still see the Doctor just to be sure. Male performance is a delicate thing. The tablets will give you breathing space. If its a new relationship, (which I think it is), then I dont think you need the pressure. The tablets dont have to be a permanent thing. Are you stressed at work? You could have circulatory problems which means your blood flow is irregular and thus the stop/go performance. You are not a doctor. Once you rule out circulatory problems ,the tablets will stop the self fulfilling prophecy cycle.

There is nothing worse when making love to be wondering if its going to stay firm. Has happened to me once in awhile. Did go to the doctors -ruled out blood flow. Didnt use the tablets because I was in a long term relationship and was able to sort it out. My mate used the tablets and it was reassuring to me that I could use them as well. If I was in a new relationship, I would have gone straight to the tablets. Then once you know relationship is going to last-you could wean yourself off them.

I can never figure out why Men are so slow to go to a doctor.Look at your Manhood as a piece of equipment ,and not as an integral part of your identity. Thus, if your car clutch was occasionally acting up-would you not drop it in to a mechanic?

There is a book:THE NEW MALE SEXUALITY thats worth reading.

LegacyUser

Ok well I'm going down to hers now in a few hours and her parents are out and I'm absolutely terrified this is going to happen again. This frustrates me that I cannot get my head together but is there anything anyone can offer that could help. I really am letting myself lose before Ive started here.