Bad sign?

LegacyUser

Probably need a womans opinion more on this.
Going out with g/f for 3 years now.. moved in recently.
All going amazing.. the odd fight, but who doesn't have them.
One of her workmates (who I trust 100%) let me know that she's been phoning and emailing this guy in work for a few weeks on a personal level, but has never once mentioned she has a boyfriend. They act rather flirty towards each other also.

Now, I know this is nothing at the moment. She has never said anything about him to me at all though. She does value her independance greatly, but I find it odd she never mentioned anything about me. She'd always say 'I was here' or 'I went' and never that she's going with someone. (workmate sits next to her and can hear them chatting)... as if she's still single?
Does anyone else think this odd? I really would love to hear a girls point of view here.
I'm not going to approach her on it at all. I don't think it's any of my business, and maybe I wish the friend never told me at all. It's not like she's seeing him behind my back (yet?)?

I guess if anything, it's somewhat broken my trust down a small bit. I very much doubt she'd like me to be doing something similar.

Like I said before, I think it's a case of not knowing it went on in the first place would have been for the better. I'm sure it's harmless.

thanks

D

Oryx

Why did the friend tell you, do you think?

Puddleduck

Obviously you dont think its harmless if its affected your trust in her. Tbh I dont see why you wouldnt sit down and talk to her, its making you uncomfortable, and as you said if they tables were turned she wouldnt like it. Address the situation rather than ignoring it, itll achieve nothing and things could get worse. Twll her how you feel, ask her how she feels in the realationship. Be honest and good luck

delly

Well I can understand you being concerned, but I have found that lots of people acting differently to work colleagues in the workplace who they know quiet well, while at the same time it meaning nothing.

I'm not condoning flirting, but I know that if I repeated half the conversations that occur in my workplace to my wife, she'd wonder why we haven't all been brought up on sexual harassment charges.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

Why did the friend tell you, do you think?

Not sure... maybe she felt it odd and thought I should know? She too has a boyfriend, so it's nothing there, and she is a good friend of my g/f. There is no underlying reason.
She joked to my g/f about them being 'lovers' but she just laughted it off.

puddleduck wrote:

Obviously you dont think its harmless if its affected your trust in her. Tbh I dont see why you wouldnt sit down and talk to her, its making you uncomfortable, and as you said if they tables were turned she wouldnt like it. Address the situation rather than ignoring it, itll achieve nothing and things could get worse. Twll her how you feel, ask her how she feels in the realationship. Be honest and good luck

I still think it's one of those things that's best left unknown. I'm sure many people in relationship have small flirts from time to time. I'd be guilty myself, but I wouldn't hide from saying I've a girlfriend.

I don't want to address it with her, as I know she'd probably go on the total defensive and probably have a huge row over it. I might too if the tables were turned.
She has told that friend that she fancies him too, but nothing has happened.

She says she loves me so much and I love her too. I think she's getting a case of meeting someone new and funny and fresh, and now I look old, tired and boring. Guess I have to hope that she realises this.
I wish to god I never found out

STUBBORNGIRL

hi op

I would question that girls motives for telling you something like that and stirring things up. Sometimes what the eye cant see the heart cant feel and it could be all very innocent. it would have been better had you not found something like that out!

When i was last in a relationship i loved the attention from other guys - made me feel extra special and while im naturally flirtatious anyway i dont see harm in this!! A few months ago (while single) I was chatting to a guy in work that i never met before who had a fiance and the emails goign over and back were very flirty but at the end of the day he had a fiance and i knew that nothign would ever come of it so i welcomed the exciting mails!

I dont think that there is any harm in what is going on and sometimes we dont tell people that we have other halves because we enjoy the fun and flirting and it may cause tension if the other person knows the truth!

So until you have something more concrete than what seems like a jealous friends revenge - i would leave well enough alone! This other girl would really need to learn to keep her nose out of other peoples affairs.

best of luck!

Wagon

unreggy1 wrote: »

She has told that friend that she fancies him too, but nothing has happened.

Why? That's a bit weird that she'd even bother to say that
Maybe women think differently to men in terms of flirting. If I don't like someone in that way then I don't flirt. Simple as. But like Stubborngirl said, it might just be a kick up for her ego (we all have one). Let it slide for now man, get it off your mind and if you see a definate downturn in her attitude in the coming weeks then tackle her about it.

MagicMarker

unreggy1 wrote: »

She has told that friend that she fancies him too, but nothing has happened.

That's quite a significant detail to leave out of your original post OP.

Are you certain that this guy doesn't know about you? If he really doesn't know and your girlfriend hasn't told him then i would most certainly be concerned.

Irishcrx

Wagon wrote: »

Why? That's a bit weird that she'd even bother to say that
Maybe women think differently to men in terms of flirting. If I don't like someone in that way then I don't flirt. Simple as. But like Stubborngirl said, it might just be a kick up for her ego (we all have one). Let it slide for now man, get it off your mind and if you see a definate downturn in her attitude in the coming weeks then tackle her about it.

Sounds like a drunken work night disaster waiting to happen and it will be you gurt by it. Definatly bring it up with her but don't go all out attack or she may be offended and before you know it her and the friend that told you could be ganging up on you...thread carefully.

AngryBadger

OP either you trust your gf, and you feel there's no reason to be jealous/worried because she enjoys a bit of banter with a male colleague, or you don't trust her and you feel you need to sit her down and have this out.

Simple as.

davyjose

unreggy1 wrote: »

One of her workmates (who I trust 100%)

Should it not be your gf you trust 100%, or am I just old-fashioned?

Anyway, if you're so certain that the workmate isn't setting you up, then have a chat with your girlfriend and ask her what's going on. If she's open enough about it, then you should be alright.
A lot of people flirt, even more than they should; the problems begin when other people get involved (workmates/"friends") and start giving their version of events. This is called $hit-stirring.
I don't know your girlfriend so I can't say how trustworthy she is, but most people know where the line is, and only a few cross it.

seahorse

unreggy1 wrote: »

..she is a good friend of my g/f.

Do you think your gf would consider her a "good friend" if she found out she's been in your ear behind her back? She's in no way a "good friend" of your gf's and she's proved this clearly by sticking her oar into her relationship.

unreggy1 wrote: »

There is no underlying reason

Bull. There's always an agenda; what you clearly need to do here is figure out hers. Maybe she's jealous of your gf? It is sly, sneaky and covert behaviour this 'friend' is engaged, and you need to find out why.

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

Do you think your gf would consider her a "good friend" if she found out she's been in your ear behind her back? She's in no way a "good friend" of your gf's and she's proved this clearly by sticking her oar into her relationship.

Bull. There's always an agenda; what you clearly need to do here is figure out hers. Maybe she's jealous of your gf? It is sly, sneaky and covert behaviour this 'friend' is engaged, and you need to find out why.

Can we please stop about the friend. I definately know it's safe and ok. She really probably shouldn't have told me thought.

I do trust my g/f, so I guess all is ok. I can understand how being in touch with the other guy is fun and exciting for her.

What I really wanted to know if many women in a relationship would see this as common... flirting away and never telling the guy she's a boyfriend.
I actually trust her, but it's going to be hard to trust him... I mean, he thinks she's free and single, so he's gonna jump at any chance he gets. Heck, I'd do the same!

I guess re-reading, it does make out I've lost some trust. I just have to rebuild it myself as I know I can and will.

thanks for all replies btw

D

I'd be suspicious about her motivations if she never mentions you. It's something that naturally comes up in conversation. I don't talk much about my personal life, but if I'm talking about my weekend, I'll say I went out to dinner with my BF, or I went to see my BFs' parents. I'd have to make a deliberate decision to NOT mention him. And why would I want to do that?

Wibbs

Unreggy1 wrote: »

What I really wanted to know if many women in a relationship would see this as common... flirting away and never telling the guy she's a boyfriend.

I wouldn't say it's common, though ego boost is a possibility. A once off ego boost I can understand, but any consistent thing I would be dubious about. All too often it only comes up if the woman still has her eye out for a better opportunity. Put it this way, if it was a bloke flirting and emailing and chatting with a woman and not ever mentioning he had a girlfriend, what would you reckon he was up to?

I actually trust her, but it's going to be hard to trust him... I mean, he thinks she's free and single, so he's gonna jump at any chance he gets. Heck, I'd do the same!

It's actually absolutely nothing to do with him or trusting him. He's the free agent, she's not. Lets say he makes a move, what then? Is she some easily convinced automaton that will fall into his arms? If she does do anything with anyone it's her choice, not whomever she decides to do it with.

Hope it's nothing anyway.

chickenhawk

If I was you Op i'd be worried. I think you are lucky to have a friend who would tell you what she heard (presuming she was telling the truth). You said you wish you didn't know but don't bury your head in the sand. She said she likes this guy! She is not just window shopping here she is asking the price from the sounds of it.

You could try and meet your girlfriend when she is talking to this guy. I don't know if this is possible but it might help.

Talk to your girlfriend. But if she lies you will feel worse.

seahorse

Unreggy1 wrote: »

Can we please stop about the friend. I definately know it's safe and ok.

Safe and ok for who? Maybe for you, but not for your partner, and definitely not for your relationship. I'd hate to think I was sitting next to someone at work who was posing as a friend while carrying stories about me back to my bf. I'd also hate to think I had a partner who was willing to listen to reports about my behaviour at work from a 'friend' of mine and keep those stories from me.

I don't think you are seeing the most important element here OP, and that is that whether or not this 'friend' of hers is telling the truth, you are damaging your relationship by keeping secrets with a third party.

seahorse

By the way, if your gf is painting herself as single, yes, that is a clear and obvious problem. I've never made out I didn't have a bf and the only situation I can imagine a woman doing that would be if she were at the very least considering cheating. It's pretty much mandatory behaviour to mention your partner to a new male friend, just to let him know in a roundabout manner that you're off the market.

metrovelvet

[quote=[Deleted User];57683564]I'd be suspicious about her motivations if she never mentions you. It's something that naturally comes up in conversation. I don't talk much about my personal life, but if I'm talking about my weekend, I'll say I went out to dinner with my BF, or I went to see my BFs' parents. I'd have to make a deliberate decision to NOT mention him. And why would I want to do that?[/QUOTE]

Why? Because you'd be enjoying the attention and the entertainment value at work to pass the time away that you would be afraid that if this guy knows you have a boyfriend he will know you are unavailable and the attention stops and the entertainment at work stops. Bah!
Its immaturity, that;s all. She's enjoying the attention and its a way to make work more fun.

IRISH RAIL

Id be worried what starts off as simple banter can easily end up as an affair.
some day he just says im heading to such a pub tonight fancy coming along.
thats definitly not the right behaviour from someone who just moved in with there other half.
op does she show any other signs like keeping her phone with her all the time and coming home late?