time to let go

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am a regular poster,gong unreg for this.
In a distance relationship for more than 3 years and going through a crucial moment now.
My bf lives in Dubln with his family and due to some issues he told me I couldn't stay over in his place..fair enough with that.
Given that I suggested that I could stay in a b&b or hostel for some time in case no rooms were immediately available...
I only needed to know when to book my accomodation and flites as everything else was ready...
Lately he has also started to act strangely with me...he's cold,distant,gets annoyed easily and he never tells me when I can go over..
I gave up on a good job in order to stay closer to him and I don't regret the decision I made but I wanna find out if he really wants me to move or not.or these are excuses to time time..I tried to talk about this but it didn't work....
In a few weeks there'll be his graduation cerimony and he didn't invite me there as well...I thought he wanted to have his gf with him in a such significant day....
I am disappointed and I am starting to lose confidence in us and in the strenght of his feelings...
I love him to bits but we all know love is a 2way thing and it takes efforts to make a relation last....
I can't wait forever..3 years are far too many...don't you think?

themacdaddy

My heart goes out to you OP. To be honest it does seem that maybe he is not fully invested in the relationship anymore. Its odd that he does that want to see you. I think (and I hope I am wrong) that he maybe seeing someone else and is afraid he'll get caught if you come to visit. Now I don't know the guy so I maybe very wrong but it does seem very suspicious. I would suggest talking to him but you said you have done that already. Maybr you should try one more time and let him know your relationship hangs in the balance and see will that get his attention. If it doesn't I am afraid you will have your answer. I really hope it works out for you but I suspect it may not!

star-pants

Hey OP,

I've never really done *long* distance but I would assume that if I was and my OH couldn't stay with me but were able to stay nearby I'd be delighted. And given his graduation is coming up and didn't invite you? and won't tell you when you're next invited over?
To me that's not good enough - in the sense that he's being cold, seemingly argumentative and distant (no pun intended). The only way to find out what to do is talk to him - find out what's up. Maybe somethings going on in his life you don't know about, which is making things tough, or perhaps (As horrible as it is) he's not feeling the same about the relationship as he used to.

You need to talk to him and find out what's in his head - only he can tell you that. I know you love him but you're only going to get hurt if you keep waiting to see when you can visit.

AngryBadger

star-pants wrote: »

Hey OP,

I've never really done *long* distance but I would assume that if I was and my OH couldn't stay with me but were able to stay nearby I'd be delighted. And given his graduation is coming up and didn't invite you? and won't tell you when you're next invited over?
To me that's not good enough - in the sense that he's being cold, seemingly argumentative and distant (no pun intended). The only way to find out what to do is talk to him - find out what's up. Maybe somethings going on in his life you don't know about, which is making things tough, or perhaps (As horrible as it is) he's not feeling the same about the relationship as he used to.

You need to talk to him and find out what's in his head - only he can tell you that. I know you love him but you're only going to get hurt if you keep waiting to see when you can visit.

+1

GigaByte

Sounds like he hasn't got the balls to break up with you and wants you to do it.

jessbeth

I think I would always want to see the person I love as much as possible and would be only dying to set the next date. I would also be terribly offended if my significant other didn't invite me to something as important as a graduation. It sounds like he is not interested any more to be really honest. He's probably treating you unwell because he thinks you will break up with him because of this and that he won't have to do it. Sorry but this is really what it sounds like. I would move on and get a nice bloke who appreciates you and loves you.

Redpunto

Think you and him need to have a big chat, relationships shouldnt be one-sided. Hes treating you like a doormat and acting like a prat, and you deserve to find a better man.

After 3 years you would seriously expect a hell of a lot more committment and respect.

On a side note with the gradution, with my graduation I could only ask along 2 people, my mam and dad, but if that was the case surely he'd explain that to you

Marksie

longWaiting wrote: »

Lately he has also started to act strangely with me...he's cold,distant,gets annoyed easily and he never tells me when I can go over..

That is not a good sign, not at all by any means

longWaiting wrote: »

I tried to talk about this but it didn't work....

Why? how did you approache it and what type of response did yuo get?
Brusqe, evasive, hedging, or loss of control?

longWaiting wrote: »

In a few weeks there'll be his graduation cerimony and he didn't invite me there as well...I thought he wanted to have his gf with him in a such significant day....

Haveing you there i woudl agree, yes... it would be important that you would at least be invited.
What is it thats going on with the family? or is it anythnig?

I have alarm bells here just reading this

longWaiting wrote: »

I am disappointed and I am starting to lose confidence in us and in the strenght of his feelings...

I am not surprised, its all the indications of things going belly up I am afraid

longWaiting wrote: »

..3 years are far too many...don't you think?

No.. 3 years are three years. The waste now is if you continue to try to make things work on your part when he has no interest.

I believe that he is saying by not saying if you catch my drift.

Obviously we don't know what you said to him before and why it didn't work. But now its time to be direct and not back down.

You have to ask him whats going on and why he is being like that. If he gets annoyed wait, if he slams the phone down, walk away and be upset in private, then calm down and come back to him. I believe he wont phone you.

My best guess is that he wants to break up, but he is getting you to do it. He is pushing you to the point where you will say enough is enough.
though its only a guess, adn there may be other reasons of course, but uhless he actually tells you then it is reasonable to assume the worst.

The reasons why don't really matter at this point. But you should for your own peace of mind make one attempt to get him to talk.

If he refuses, then it is perhaps best to give him what he wants and to tell him so.
In the end, it will hurt, but better now than dragging the pain out over the next few weeks and months

LegacyUser

First of all..thanks for your posts...
I don't know if he's seeing somebody else or he doesn't feel ready..I talked to him several times and I also told me that if he needs more time I could give it to him...
I am very confused and hurt....I am trying to keep my emotions under control but I can't stand this situation anymore...my body and mind can't..
I am so stressed out that it's happen on a regualr basis to faint when I am out with my friends..
He knows how much I love him and how commited I was but I just can't wait forever for a change....
I wanna let him go..I know it will hurt a lot but I am tired of all this.
I know that the hardest part will be getting used to not dreaming about us,making plans...I m already used to his distance....the emotional distance more than the physical...
When he'll find his one everything will be crystal clear to him and only then he'll understand what I have always meant...

When I listened to "May we never have to say goodbye" for the first time in Croke Park I wish I could have never had to say goodbye to him....but I have to...

Blazer

GigaByte wrote: »

Sounds like he hasn't got the balls to break up with you and wants you to do it.

+1.
He doesn't want to be the bad guy in this and wants you to break up with him.
He just hasn't the guts to do it himself.
I know the signs..I've been a coward myself and done it before..

LegacyUser

I feel so stupid......
I hate thinking of myself as a doormat...I hate that kind of girls and I was being one of those without even noticing....

Marksie

longWaiting wrote: »

I feel so stupid......
I hate thinking of myself as a doormat...I hate that kind of girls and I was being one of those without even noticing....

I dont believe you are or are being a doormat.
in reality you know whats happening.
You aren't on here for advice, but reaffirmation for whatb you know deep down is going to happen.
Its simply bringing it up to the front of your mind now.

and i mean the above in a kind way

LegacyUser

all of you were right...he's not into me anymore..
I can't stop crying but at least now i'm aware...
How could he be so cruel and insensitive?he knows that i'm sad and sick but he doent even ring me to see if i'm ok...
My uncle had a stoke this morning..why him and not me?I feel so low and dont know what to do to feel better...
How could I see something good in him?was I blind?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Just read your thread, sorry to hear how things ended up, but it seems like it was for the best, at least you know the truth now, it hurts like a bitch, I know, but it'll get easier with time. You're free now and can move on.

I can sympathise with you, I can, I've been sitting here today thinking the same question over and over to myself 'how could I have been so stupid? How did I ever see anything good in her?!' to the point where I am extremely annoyed and agrivated at myself, even upset at times. But listen, that doesnt do any good, hindsight is a wonderful thing and sure enough if we could all be told how something would pan out then we'd miss out on so much, and never learn anything. DO NOT beat yourself up over this, and DO NOT dwell on the past, its done with, you cant jump back in time and change things.

Time is a healer, believe that, things will get easier and hopefully soon enough you'll realise that the break up was for the best and you can move on with your life.

Stay strong girl!! )

jessbeth

longWaiting wrote: »

all of you were right...he's not into me anymore..
I can't stop crying but at least now i'm aware...
How could he be so cruel and insensitive?he knows that i'm sad and sick but he doent even ring me to see if i'm ok...
My uncle had a stoke this morning..why him and not me?I feel so low and dont know what to do to feel better...
How could I see something good in him?was I blind?

So sorry to hear about your Uncle.

Also it's really hard when you break up with someone and suddenly all the plans that you had are no longer relevant but it would be worse if you stayed with someone who was only being with you because he didn't have the guts to break up with you. You deserve somebody who loves and respects you and really can't wait to see and talk to you. You deserve better then this coward. You will be fine and with time all wounds heal. I know it sounds like a stupid phrase but it really will get better. In the meantime be good to yourself, do things you like with people that you like and remember just because you were rejected by this lowly coward means nothing. You are still wonderful. You will also find someone to love you properly so chin up and don't let this looser bring you down.