What am I supposed to do?

LegacyUser

Ok, I'll try and keep this as short as possible but basically I am a crazy, depressed f ucked p 17 year old girl (birthday next week!) Was going to leave the 17yr old bit out because I know you will all think this is down to hormones, but I've been feeling this way since 5 years ago. You may think I'm exaggerating this but no.

I'm in 6th year which is stressing me out alright, which is fine. I know that that's normal. I'm in a posh private school with snobby d4s that I just don't get along with no matter how I try. My group of friends in school are all very nice and that but I just feel nothing. They bore me and they only recently started drinking but not with me. When they do go to parties (which isnt often) they're ones that just aren't my scene. I was usually such an outgoing girl but in school I'm just bored and tired and depressed and I don't really talk much to my friends. I get on better with some teachers than people in my year! And when I do talk to them I'm sort of a pessimistic sarcastic which people find a joke..and I'm told I'm funny so people just have me down as that sarcastic drunk.

Which leads me onto drink. The only time I'm actually happy and I don't look like an emotionless zombie is when I'm drunk. Most of the time I'm out having a good time at the pub, or at a house party with friends outside school who I get along with but who don't have a clue how I feel when I'm alone. But when none of that is going on I drink on my own late at night, sometimes on school nights because I can't get to sleep without drink or sleeping tablets and as my mam doesn't want me on sleeping tablets anymore, I use alcohol as a substitute.

I was on sleeping tablets after an incident at a party where I was raped. Not sure if it's going to court yet. I'm a minor so apparently I don't have the choice to press charges - I'm forced to by the gardai if they so choose.

My relationship with my family seems normal but really the only one whos normal in my family is my oldest brother. The other brother I haven't had a conversation with in about 7 years when we were kids and played together, even though we live in the same house. He's gay but he never 'came out' we all just kind of knew it and never talked about it. Sometimes I think that if something happens to me, I never had a chance to say to him that although I think it's wrong, I'm ok with his homosexuality. I never really see my older sister..

Because of me, my mother is on anti-axiety pills due to me being raped, my staying out late etc. and that kills me that I did this to her but I can't help it. I think she was also on anti- depressants when she was younger, so it runs in the family. Her side of the family is Protestant and my dads is Catholic. Don't know why I mention that but I guess because I get on better with my father I wish I was brought up as Catholic - for the wrong reasons I know, because I want to be more Irish and be like all my friends outside school (I go to a Protestant school). Anyway, I don't get along with my mother because she treats me like a stupid kid, which after reading this you might agree. I just can't wait to get out of this place - get far away from my life but to be honest amn't looking forward to college. I don't want to go but my mam doesnt want to hear that. I know she wants whats best for me but whatever...

You might think I'm stupid but I'm actually quite intelligent. I'm not a straight A student but I like history and politics and although I'm not great at english, I appreciate the fact that many writers and poets can express how I'm feeling....because I have this emotion in side of me but can't portray it in writing (I try to write songs - I play the guitar) but they can. But if you said that to my english teacher she'd laugh - I'm the worst at english in my class.

Anyway, none of that matters. I've been doing some thinking and perhaps the reason I don't get along in school is because I'm just different to that group of 17/18 year olds. I have friends outside school in their 20s who I get along with. Despite what you may think, maybe I'm too mature for them. I've been working for a few years in the local shop and I'm in love with this girl who works there.....shes in her 20s but has a long term boyfriend and of course the fact that I'm a 17 year old girl would be a problem. It's just that she treats me like a normal person...shes the nicest, kindest, funniest person I've ever met and she likes the same music, movies etc. as me and I just want to take care of her. I'm not actually a lesbian (though you'll think I'm in denial) - I like a boy in my year and want so much to have a boyfriend (I've never had one and don't get much luck with boys they think of me as a mate rather than a hot girl...). So if I'm not attracted to girls and find the female...reproductive parts (:) ) disgusting, then why am in love with this woman??

So yeah, I am very f ucked up amn't I? And I havent a clue why Im writing this because nobody would take the time to read all this crap.

I don't know what to do. I'm so paranoid about people not liking me, yet at the same time I give off this image that I don't give a crap. I feel like sh1t 24/7 and cry myself to sleep at 3 in the morning. I don't know how anyone in my state of mind expects to do the leaving cert this june!

Thank you so much if you even read just some of this,

yours truly,

missx

ps if ive left anything out the main point is im a paronoid, depressed, crazy, lonely 17 year old girl struggling with religion (im going to hell by the way), family, sexuality - just the average things, yes?

Beruthiel

You poor thing, you've had the worst thing happen to you, no wonder your head is all over the place.
Are you seeing a professional to help you through this?
Try to knock the drink and sleeping pills on the head, they are the road to no where and as alcohol is a mood altering depressant drug this is not helping you.

School can be pretty crap for some people and all you can do is put the head down and just get through the year. College will be great and there will be many types of new people that will become friends.

I can't help you with the religion thing, I'm a total atheist and consider the whole thing just one big fairytale.

Don't worry about your sexuality just yet, you could be bi, but who knows. Give yourself time to heal and grow. 17 is a crap age and it will defo get better.

Karen_*

Well you don't sound stupid or like a kid at all. And I don't think you're gay. You really really admire this older woman and she's very important to you but that doesn't mean you're a lesbian. Forming attachments with strong feelings is quite normal and it doesn't sound like you've got a very close family so you're finding "family" in other places.

You're not crazy either. You've been through an awful lot and therefore feeling so different to other people is very normal because on the surface they don't appear to have much on their minds. Its tough being a teenage girl but you wouldn't know that from looking at them because it all seems to be great fun. I identify alot with what you've posted and not being patronising at all when I say you sound alot like I was at your age. It wasn't a hormone or adolescent thing for me either.

I know you've got an awful lot to work through but one thing that jumps out at me from what you write is how individual you are. And that can be a really good thing. I advise you to try to stay away from overdoing the drink and maybe focus more on your creative side like music and songwriting. Maybe even think about setting up your own band? Or bite the bullet and show your English teacher some of your songs and poems? They're a great way of expressing yourself. I do think you're selling yourself short and assuming what other people will think of you. But all those bad things are really what you think of yourself and you don't actully deserve it. Why are you putting yourself down so much. You come across the complete opposite of all the negative things you say about yourself. You're a hell of a lot more clued in than most 17 year olds.

And as regards you going to Hell. God probably isn't in agreement with you there. No one is judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself. You're a good person who's having a bad time. And that will change but you need to start being your own best friend and taking care of yourself.

Irishcrx

Hi Chicken,

Look you've had a very hard time and had some awful things happen to you that were NOT your fault, your coping with them as best you can but it may now be a good idea to get some help, talk to somene outside of your family. You seem very mature for your age which is a good thing, mentally your ahead of your peers I know how this feels I was the same growing up had t pretty much fend for myself when I was 14 and found that when I hit 18 I was thinking at 25 it can be frustrating socialy.

Like yourself I used to drink alot to sleep , to get by etc but I realised it wasn't helping me at all and I needed to talk to someone, It did me alot of good to just get it in the open and start to move on with things and not dwell on the past as hard as it sometimes may seem. Above all else be yourself no matter what people think of you, you are you.

Oryx

The thing I noticed from your post is how literate you are. You are able to explain yourself so well, and you seem to have looked at yourself and examined what you think is going on. All good.

The only thing is, a) You may be 17, but you are not fcuked up. b) You are most definitely not going to hell. No such place. I always say hell is having to deal with sh1te, here and now. And if you are different from your mates, like you say, paranoia is part and parcel. Its hard to stand out. You feel it. Particularly if you are a deep thinker and sensitive.

Your last years in school are a nightmare. No getting away from it. You just have to keep on ploughing through and get it over with. Then you actually start living your own life instead of being under the shadow of school and home. Life feels a bit out of control because it is, kinda, youre having to do things and be places that dont quite suit you, because its what youre told to do. But only for now.

And on top of all the normal issues, you have a rape to deal with. And yet again it seems as if everything is being handled without any input from you. So you really, really need to talk to someone about that, to clear your head a bit more. Your mention of drink and tablets is something that to me, would show that you are blotting out your thoughts, instead of tackling them. You say you cant sleep, but long term what you are doing in order to sleep is unsustainable.

Re your friend. You can love someone of either gender, and not see them as a sexual partner. Thats ok and dont stress about it. People get so hung up on love being romantic/sexual, when thats not all it can be. Its also about being really close friends with someone. Dont read into it that you are a lesbian just yet.

If you want to you can try to talk to the brother you dont get on with. Just try? You never know. You dont need to bring up his sexuality at all, just try and get along somehow? Sounds like maybe ye just dont understand each other, and have fallen into the habit of not communicating.

Anyway. I remember my teens. I felt like a nutjob. Turns out I wasnt. And neither are you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.

Your probably all pitying because of the rape thing - I just realised that. But that happened not long ago and it hasnt really changed everything, except reinforced some ideas. I felt like I feel now even before that happened...I thought there was something else but I guess it's just depression and I've thought so much of getting anti-depressants, but I don't think it's worth giving up the drink for. I know drink is supposedly a depressant but it's the only time I'm happy when I'm out with friends drinking so I'm reluctant to give that up for a drug I don't think works in most people. Not doing therapy cos its just not my thing and is a waste of money with the situation my family is (we're not poor, but my parents are regretting sending me to private school seeing as the introduction of college fees will probably happen in my time).

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let it all out in a different way by writing this thread, because what I usually do which works quite well is just go up to my room at the end of the day and cry and just let it out by talking to myself (thats the reason why I think Im crazy! I tend to talk or rather give out to myself) . And when I'm done and have calmed down I go back to normal.

So i guess there is no solution but to just live it out and hope that college changes everything. Lately I just can't stop thinking about this girl from work, which p1sses me off because would make me such a hypocrite in another aspect of my religion.

And the thing I meant to clarify is that I do love music but I'm not a songwriter - I'm just saying I wish I could write songs about my experiences and how I feel, and thats what I admite in others, but I can't do it myself though I try.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

The thing I noticed from your post is how literate you are. You are able to explain yourself so well, and you seem to have looked at yourself and examined what you think is going on. All good.

Well I've had a long time to examine my situation and decide if it's worth sticking out! But thanks!

The only thing is, a) You may be 17, but you are not fcuked up. b) You are most definitely not going to hell. No such place. I always say hell is having to deal with sh1te, here and now. And if you are different from your mates, like you say, paranoia is part and parcel. Its hard to stand out. You feel it. Particularly if you are a deep thinker and sensitive.

Your last years in school are a nightmare. No getting away from it. You just have to keep on ploughing through and get it over with. Then you actually start living your own life instead of being under the shadow of school and home. Life feels a bit out of control because it is, kinda, youre having to do things and be places that dont quite suit you, because its what youre told to do. But only for now.

And on top of all the normal issues, you have a rape to deal with. And yet again it seems as if everything is being handled without any input from you. So you really, really need to talk to someone about that, to clear your head a bit more. Your mention of drink and tablets is something that to me, would show that you are blotting out your thoughts, instead of tackling them. You say you cant sleep, but long term what you are doing in order to sleep is unsustainable.

Re your friend. You can love someone of either gender, and not see them as a sexual partner. Thats ok and dont stress about it. People get so hung up on love being romantic/sexual, when thats not all it can be. Its also about being really close friends with someone. Dont read into it that you are a lesbian just yet.

If you want to you can try to talk to the brother you dont get on with. Just try? You never know. You dont need to bring up his sexuality at all, just try and get along somehow? Sounds like maybe ye just dont understand each other, and have fallen into the habit of not communicating.

Anyway. I remember my teens. I felt like a nutjob. Turns out I wasnt. And neither are you.

Thanks all good advice and I guess I will have to talk to someone eventually. I take it your an atheist?

Oryx

missx wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.

Your probably all pitying because of the rape thing - I just realised that. But that happened not long ago and it hasnt really changed everything, except reinforced some ideas. I felt like I feel now even before that happened...I thought there was something else but I guess it's just depression and I've thought so much of getting anti-depressants, but I don't think it's worth giving up the drink for. I know drink is supposedly a depressant but it's the only time I'm happy when I'm out with friends drinking so I'm reluctant to give that up for a drug I don't think works in most people. Not doing therapy cos its just not my thing and is a waste of money with the situation my family is (we're not poor, but my parents are regretting sending me to private school seeing as the introduction of college fees will probably happen in my time).

I dont pity you. Youre not pathetic - as if. But your attitude to alcohol is scary, I wont kid you. It is a depressant, when you sober up you feel like sh!t, worse than you would have otherwise, maybe. Therapy only seems useless at the time. It does work but its not a quick fix. Anti-d's I dont know. They do work, not as a miracle changing your personality, but kinda like giving your brain a minor reboot so you can pick yourself up again. Least thats how it felt to me.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let it all out in a different way by writing this thread, because what I usually do which works quite well is just go up to my room at the end of the day and cry and just let it out by talking to myself (thats the reason why I think Im crazy! I tend to talk or rather give out to myself) . And when I'm done and have calmed down I go back to normal.

Any way of releasing it is good. And here you get feedback which can help with clarifying things. So talk to yourself, write a blog, write songs. It doesnt matter how good or bad you think it is, its only for you anyway.

So i guess there is no solution but to just live it out and hope that college changes everything. Lately I just can't stop thinking about this girl from work, which p1sses me off because would make me such a hypocrite in another aspect of my religion.

Live it out and allow yourself to change, and mostly accept that you are ok, religious or not.

Gannicus

Try with your Mam to work through you situations together. You'll find the more progress one of you make the more the other will make too.

Your mam is on anti-anxiety pills and you reckon its down to what happened you and your drinking. try knocking the drink on the head. spend some together talk, relax, have a girly night in with her and your sister. I think you'll find that one of you feeling better will help the other feel better.

Maybe some family activities bring you all closer together.

LegacyUser

17 can be a really tough age. You remind me so much of the way I felt when I was younger.

It isn't crazy that you talk to yourself - whatever is a daily coping mechanism for you, utilise it. (At the same age when I was depressed I used to talk to myself in the mirror!)
I know next June seems like a long time away, but in the grand scheme of things it is quite a short period of time, so if you can bring yourself to just put your head down and get through it, it will all be finished with before you know it
I really hope college will bring changes for you but it is important not to pin all of your hopes on college. Starting a course is not fundamentally going to change you over night but it will certainly (hopefully) be an environment where you can be more comfortable in being yourself in the surrounds of more mature people. It is good to do a course in which you are interested - you say you love music, maybe something in this area?
I don't think your love of this girl means you are a lesbian - it is possible to love any person in a most affectionate way without defining your sexual orientation. Don't feel that it is wrong, it is good that you feel this way for another person, it is a positive emotion amidst all of this.
A good mental exercise to do in your own time is to close your eyes, think of what you really love/admire about that person (or any person you admire) - not a word but that thing you can't quite describe, put that very feeling in your physical chest and feel it move down through your body right to your feet, and back up again to your stomach, heart, and to your head. - This might sound a bit airy fairy but you need to feel positive emotions throughout your body - it actually helps.
Please don't worry about hell! If religion is your thing that's cool, but surely you know that God loves us all in equal measures depsite our failings and your situation is something that is by no means worthy of going to hell.
Think if the person you want to be - and I'm not talking in the physical, or in terms of having friends, a boyfriend etc but You, the spirit you aspire to be and have locked within you. Persumably that spirit is somebody happy and comfortable in themselves. Think of that every morning and breath that thought in. Unconsciously this can help your daily actions.
Therapy isn't for everyone and sometimes it can involve dragging up a lot of stuff in the past that you would rather leave behind and that's fine. But if your still feeling crap next year, all colleges offer a free counselling service which is something that you might want to consider. Couselling doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful. Talking about everyday things can help too and I am glad you have looked here for support.
I really hope things improve for you. xxx

Tragedy

You'd be surprised how many of the happy charmed life 17 year old D4 types you go to school with have secret horrors, you aren't the only person who has learned how to hide by acting like you dont care and life's good

Stop drinking, stop sleeping tablets. Realise that the infatuation you feel for the girl is just her being your focus for your magical escape from a life you dont want.
Don't make college your happy ideal. Just let college be college, if you build it up you're as liable to dissappoint yourself as anything else.

Find someone to talk to. They don't need to be a professional, they don't need to be a friend. They don't need to understand you. They just need to be able to listen attentively. It's the talking that's cathartic, not the advice.
After that, you might even feel like getting professional help. Or maybe not. But you'll definitely feel better. Take it from someone who was in your position a few years ago

PS: You might want to re-word your post a little, you make your school fairly recognisable.

Peewee_lane

I'm 24 and your story is similar to what mine was.

BUT-

When I was 18, I stopped drinking for about 4 months and moved away from home, it gave me the focus I needed to evaluate everything I was doing in life. Your 17, you dont know how to drink responsibly, thats why you're drinking irresponsibly. Why not just take hold of the reins of your own life before its too late?

I copped on. Life isn't one big drama, on big Friends episode, you'll soon realise that.

Also, you're too young and immature to realise this, but if you didnt stay out till all hours and drinking, you could stay in and prove to your mother that you want to build a relationship with her.

You might also like to stay in and spend some time with your siblings too.

Which leads me onto drink. The only time I'm actually happy and I don't look like an emotionless zombie is when I'm drunk. Most of the time I'm out having a good time at the pub, or at a house party with friends outside school who I get along with but who don't have a clue how I feel when I'm alone. But when none of that is going on I drink on my own late at night, sometimes on school nights because I can't get to sleep without drink or sleeping tablets and as my mam doesn't want me on sleeping tablets anymore, I use alcohol as a substitute.

I dont believe you.

This is self inflicted destructive 'teenage' behaviour.

Do you actually want this life for yourself?

If the answer is no, then, stop it, all the self pity and get over yourself.

Everyones giving kind responses, but you have to be cruel to be kind. I have taken into consideration the terrible event that happened to you and the proceedings in lieu of that, but you have to be stronger because of all of that, not weaker.

LegacyUser

Peewee_lane wrote: »

I'm 24 and your story is similar to what mine was.

BUT-

When I was 18, I stopped drinking for about 4 months and moved away from home, it gave me the focus I needed to evaluate everything I was doing in life. Your 17, you dont know how to drink responsibly, thats why you're drinking irresponsibly. Why not just take hold of the reins of your own life before its too late?

I know you're trying to be harsh to help me and all that but to be honest, I don't have the money to move out and I'm nearly 18. And I don't see the benefit in stopping drinking (ok maybe in the longterm it would be good but right now..). You say I don't know how to drink resposably but I have been drinking responsably for a long time it's not since the last 2 or 3 years that I've been going overboard just to cope with things. It's not as easy as you think to just quit. I'm not that strong.

I copped on. Life isn't one big drama, on big Friends episode, you'll soon realise that.

Also, you're too young and immature to realise this, but if you didnt stay out till all hours and drinking, you could stay in and prove to your mother that you want to build a relationship with her.

You might also like to stay in and spend some time with your siblings too.

I know life isnt like TV - you don't realise how much I know this. Every day I wish I was a character in Friends, or somebody important like in Heroes, or even fcking being chased by a polar bear on a desert island in Lost - I would prefer all this to my normal boring depressing life. But I realise this will never happen. And I realise it won't all end happily like in sitcoms. And believe me, I am the last dramatic person I know - it's only because of this forum..and the drink, that I am telling all.

Which leads me onto drink. The only time I'm actually happy and I don't look like an emotionless zombie is when I'm drunk. Most of the time I'm out having a good time at the pub, or at a house party with friends outside school who I get along with but who don't have a clue how I feel when I'm alone. But when none of that is going on I drink on my own late at night, sometimes on school nights because I can't get to sleep without drink or sleeping tablets and as my mam doesn't want me on sleeping tablets anymore, I use alcohol as a substitute.

I dont believe you.

This is self inflicted destructive 'teenage' behaviour.

Do you actually want this life for yourself?

If the answer is no, then, stop it, all the self pity and get over yourself.

Everyones giving kind responses, but you have to be cruel to be kind. I have taken into consideration the terrible event that happened to you and the proceedings in lieu of that, but you have to be stronger because of all of that, not weaker.[/QUOTE]

What don't you believe? That I'm only happy when I'm drunk...well believe it or not its true. I would be a zombie without it - with no life, no friends, no meaning, no fun at all. I don't want to be a drunk and I dont consider myself one and I appreciate that you're trying to be cruel to be kind but it's not as simple as black and white. Although you think a lot like I do. Before I admitted to myself that I was clinially depressed, I always thought of depressed people as whiny attntion-seeking priks and just thought "cop onto yourself"....but it's different when you suffer from it. I do know believe it's a disease...and although I'm still ashamed of it, I do think its a chemical inbalance in the brain

I can't belive this is atually legible cos ive been drinkim and im bored ok

LegacyUser

I know it's easier said than done, but as other posters have said, try to put your head down for the next 8 months and get through school with a decent leaving cert. Seeing as you're from Dublin I would seriously recommend getting out of Dublin and going to college somewhere else (Limerick, Galway etc). I'm from the country, and leaving school and coming up to Dublin to go to college was like a new start to life for me. I always felt Dubs missed out on part of that experience by staying at home. So if you can afford it, get out. It could be the change and the new start that you need.

As for the drink, I know where you're coming from. I don't drink at all now, but I won't tell you to give up. Just be careful not to overdo it.

LegacyUser

Hi missx,
I'm 21, and suffered from child sexual abuse, so I have an idea of what you're going through. Suffer from depression likewise. I understand the need for sleeping tablets/alcohol, although it is destructive. I go through the same thing during my low patches.
I have found great support from this website, oneinfour.org.

You will be surprised at how many people have a similar situation to you. Please reach out for help.
Take care.
Ciara, xx