Friend's first baby

I_Love_Tomatoes

I have a question - I have a buddy, not that we're very close, but we were great childhood friends and meet up a few times a year. He's 30. I just heard from another friend that his wife gave birth to their first baby last week. The kid is in intensive care and has downes syndrome. I haven't a clue
1) what to say when I meet him next
2) is it a case of wishing the usual congratulations? or do I say congrats but good luck in dealing with this?
3) keep my mouth shut and do nothing?

I haven't been in touch with him yet because I really haven't clue what effect this can have on people. To me, everything I possibly say could be construed as the wrong thing to say!

I say "Congratulations". Possible response = "How dare you"
I say "I'm so sorry about the baby". Possible response = "How dare you"
I say "Congratulations, and hope baby makes recovery". Possible response = "How dare you... baby's not going to make a bloody recovery"

Any opinions or advice before I put my foot in it? I might be way off the mark with the above thoughts; maybe they are taking it very well and being as positive as they can be, but I very much doubt it.

Otacon

Say "Congratulations!" Irrespective of whatever medical condition the child has, he is now a father and is more than likely just a proud dad.

If he does snap at you for some reason, its an issue he has, not you.

Dades

I see why you're unsure. Tough, tough times for your friend.

IMO you have to err on the positive side with congratulations to start. With possible follow on condolences - but only if called for.

The main thing is to just be a friend.

Rev Hellfire

You treat the child just as you would treat any 'normal' child.

stovelid

I'm sure your friend will probably discuss the nitty gritty with you eventually, but for now, just play it normal. After all, despite the shock of what has happened, he has still become a father, and it's a wonderful, positive thing for him.

Bananawoman

I think that the fact that the baby is Downes is not an issue or shouldnt be but the fact that the kid is in intensive care is. I dont think this is a congradulations stage yet so maybe just if you are talking to him say that you are praying for the baby to get home safely. Be very careful with congradulations because unbeknownst to you, the baby may have died (I did this last week to a friend, said congradulations all excitedly because he was back after the birth and what I thought was maternity leave but he turned around and said the baby died in labour).

The Corinthian

I_Love_Tomatoes wrote: »

Any opinions or advice before I put my foot in it? I might be way off the mark with the above thoughts; maybe they are taking it very well and being as positive as they can be, but I very much doubt it.

I'd go for your third option - essentially concentrating on the fact that the child is presently in intensive care and ignoring the Downs syndrome.

Otacon wrote: »

he is now a father and is more than likely just a proud dad.

Dream on.

Oryx

"Congratulations, New Daddy. How is your son?"

Then let him speak and take your cue from that.

The main thing is not to avoid him because you dont know what to say. Thats horrible for him and his partner.

shrapnel222

The Corinthian wrote: »

Dream on.

of course he's a proud dad!! when he looks down at his son, there will be a whole heap of worry, and plenty of other emotions and questions, but there'll be plenty of pride and love. Because you wouldn't be doesn't mean everyone else thinks and feels the same.

The Corinthian

shrapnel222 wrote: »

of course he's a proud dad!! when he looks down at his son, there will be a whole heap of worry, and plenty of other emotions and questions, but there'll be plenty of pride and love. Because you wouldn't be doesn't mean everyone else thinks and feels the same.

You've obviously not come across a lot of couples in this situation and how they react. Some are proud dads, but many certainly are anything but, leading to one or both of the parents rejecting the child.

Mightn't be a nice thing to hear, but that's life.

Rev Hellfire

The Corinthian wrote: »

You've obviously not come across a lot of couples in this situation and how they react. Some are proud dads, but many certainly are anything but, leading to one or both of the parents rejecting the child.

Mightn't be a nice thing to hear, but that's life.

I've known many people in that situation and am in it myself. My experience I can assure you is that the vast majority are indeed proud parents.

metrovelvet

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I've known many people in that situation and am in it myself. My experience I can assure you is that the vast majority are indeed proud parents.

Yep. There are parents who are proud of their children down syndrome or no down syndrome and there are parents who are not proud of their children, down syndrome or no down syndrome.

This really isn't the issue. The issue is what you say to a new parent who may lose his or her baby. If I were you I would congratulate him and let him know you are there if there is anything you can do, like you would for any friend who had a family member in intensive care.

Quality

Hey tomatoes,

I would ignore some of the more insensitive remarks made here...:rolleyes:

All you can do is congratulate your friend. Let him know that you are thinking of him and tell him if he needs anything that you are there for him.

Its obviously a stressful situation for him and his wife.. if he wants to discuss it with you in further detail let him do the talking.

I would even drop him a text, I am sure he would appreciate the support from friends..:).

Dudess

I will be dealing with something similar soon enough and I plan to say: "Listen man, congratulations. I know there will be some difficulties and obstacles to face but he's your little guy and he's gonna give you and [girlfriend] so much happiness."

The Corinthian wrote: »

You've obviously not come across a lot of couples in this situation and how they react. Some are proud dads, but many certainly are anything but, leading to one or both of the parents rejecting the child.

Mightn't be a nice thing to hear, but that's life.

I'm sure... but very rare from what I've personally observed. And even if it's difficult to accept in the early stages, there is the strong likelihood that a bond will form eventually.

Clytus

this was posted on a thread in AH...but its amazing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Homer
I received this in an email and couldn't think of where to post it on Boards.

Maybe it will, after reading a story like this, restore just a tiny bit of faith in humanity and society as a whole.

PLEASE read the story and watch the video....

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The
father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went on to
complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other
marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going
through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's
join the Ironman together.'

To which, his father said 'Yes' .

For those who didn't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race
encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean
swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a
26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island

Father and son went on to complete the race together.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513

smelltheglove

This is a very hard time for your friend and I'm sure no matter what you say he will be gratefulo that you are thinking of them, happy for their addition to their family but also there if they need you.

I know a friend of my sisters recently found out their 1 yr old was severly disabled, the baby was not making developments and there had been worry for a while. It was a hard hit for them but they still love their child completely and would do anything for her even though life is extremely hard.

There is a connection when you have a child, I have been fortunate to have healthy children but as soon as you see this little being right there in front of you they melt your heart, and I cant see it that your friend would be in anyway not proud of his child, maybe he wishes health for the child, wishes a good life, but come time he will more than likely not have any regrets just love.

Anyway the last post there almost reduced me to tears and here is one more that often reduces me to tears when I read it. Maybe it is something your friend may one day appreciate.




What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line,
there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the
same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled
children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its
dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside
influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my
son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand
things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay,
physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew
were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to
play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not
expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance
and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.
I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the
ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put
on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth
in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In
the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was
still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove
and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was
obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning
from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom
of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the
bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled
to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to
win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit
was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat
properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing
that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life,
moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The
pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards
Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder
and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would
have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's
head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had
Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the
baseline, wide-eyed and startled.


Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath,
Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to
the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder
had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first
chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the
second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions
so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the
third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him
by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to
third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators,
were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home,
stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and
humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming
home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

May your day, be a Shay Day.

newman10

Hi

I am talking as the Father of a 6yo Boy who has Down Syndrome.

Your friend is in a tough place wondering what went wrong and why and is even blaming himself that he did something and having the Baby in Hospital is making it harder.

Say congratulations to him and acknowledge his Baby. First of all he has a Son, then comes the disability and try to support them even if it means sitting and looking into the fire at night with them

It will take time to adapt to this new life but it does have its rewards as well.