Is this bad, or is it not?

LegacyUser

Ok, this might sound like a really dumb question, it kind of is but i just need to put my mind at rest and get some general opinions.

If you mail / text a guy you dont know that well, like as in they are not a good mate of yours but you want to get to know them, and you pay them a compliment or 2, are they likely to think you are flirting with them?
This is the situation i am in.

Just to note and to make matters worse, i am going out with someone for a year now and this guy is a friend of his, not a really good friend but they know each other.

I think this friend is really cool and nice and this is why i would love to be friends with him, its a case of just feeling like i could really get on with this person.

So this is my problem. I really dont want this guy to think i am flirting with him behind my boyfriends back, that im shifty and untrustworthy etc. But im starting to see that its a possibility he does.

I only started worrying about it when i told another guy im mates with about it, and he told me that most guys will not see a girl being friendly to them as harmless friendship, they will only see the girl as someone that is interested in them.

Is this really the case?!

Because if it is then the more i think back on the stuff i said the more worried im getting.
I said things to him such as, he looked nice in certain pictures, and i hope i see him again next time we are out, just things like that.

Is it probable that he thinks im hitting on him, and if so should i say something else to him to let him know im not, or should i just leave it be?

His replies have been fine and nice so far, but he has not replied to my last message which is making me more nervous that he thinks im hitting on him now and so is avoiding me.
How can i find out?

Victor

Due to the fickle nature of Irish women, where they will never give a man they are uninterested the time of day, then yes, you might be giving a mixed message.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, what should i do about it if this is the case?
Should i message him again and say look i dont mean to be seeming like a stalker or whatever i just think youre cool, or should i just leave it be and worry from now on that he never replied because he thinks im trying to make moves on him?

JMCD

Well if you want to see him again* but do it in a way that dosent come across as do your trying to flirt with him or that ,why dont ya say.........

"me and X (X is your boyfriend) are going into town for a few drinks on saturday night why dont ya round up a few guys and gals and join us or bring your girlfriend" That way I think shows you are being nothing but friendly.

*Just a quick question do, why are you so keen to see this guy again....maybe you have a crush on him??

seahorse

This doesn’t sound all that innocent to me, to be honest. Does your partner know about these texts? If he does then you've nothing to worry about as his mentioning your contact to his friend would soon clear any suspicions up. If your partner doesn't know, why haven’t you told him?

seahorse

Victor wrote: »

Due to the fickle nature of Irish women, where they will never give a man they are uninterested the time of day, then yes, you might be giving a mixed message.

That's not very fair Victor. I've got male friends, as do most Irish women I know.

LegacyUser

No i dont think i do have a crush... have you never met someone and just felt like "god i think i could really gel with that person" and so you dont want to lose touch.
Thats how it feels.
Only difference is we are opposite sex.

LegacyUser

No my bf knows i like this guy in a friendship manner, ive told him before that i like him the most of all the guys he knows, and he knows i talked to him a few times, he doesnt mind because he knows there are no other feelings there, its the other guy im worried about!!
Like i know my bf and him will never talk about it and say "listen you know how my gf was talking to you...well about that..."
I just dont want some guy that i think is really nice, thinking im doing something sh*t on my bf by trying to hit on him.

seahorse

So what you're saying is you've expressed to your partner before that you like this friend of his but he has no clue you've been texting him - in that case you can expect that they'll both think you're hitting on him. That's exactly what I'd think if my partner took to texting a female friend of mine while keeping it to himself, and I'd think the same thing if a female friend of mine was texting my bloke on the QT too.

If you're not hitting on this bloke, then what's with the secretive texts??? People dont generally keep things quiet unless there's something to keep quiet about; and if you're genuinely not up to anything, you should know you're certainly making it look as if you are.

EDIT to say: Unless by "talking" you meant texting, in which case you can disregard a lot of the above - I'm from the over thirties brigade and talking and texting are two expressions we dont often use interchangably!

magick

why not go out with ur bofriend and him for drinks, have a laugh then ask for his number and suggest something to do, im sure if ur bf trusts you he wont mind at all. So it wont look as if ur going behind his back if you have it out in the open so to speak

LegacyUser

No i said my boyfriend DOES know about me texting him

seahorse

NotSure wrote: »

No i said my boyfriend DOES know about me texting him

Ah well then you can just blame the misunderstanding on my old age, lol, Sorry!

In this case there is no problem. Maybe he did think you were coming on to him, but if so that's easily rectified: all you have to do is text again and ask him would he be into meeting up some night with yourself and your fella for a few drinks - he cant misconstrue that (unless he has a particularly dirty mind and assumes you're looking for a threesome! )

Karen_*

If you think your texts could be construed as flirty then they are flirty and he's probably noticed. Moderate them to the sort of text you'd send a female friend.:)

LegacyUser

her boyfriend didnt know!

cooperguy

Mention a few times over a few different text stuff about your boyfriend. Maybe something he did that was really nice. Just stuff that would show you like him. Dont labour the point too much though. After that dont worry about it too much or you'll end up messing up the friendship!

estar

boundaries are important to learn. stop acting towards this boy in a way that is clearly making you incomfortable.

unless you know a boy since you were small, or at least teenagers, or they are gay, then be careful with how you communicate. to me, the rule is - to be a good platonic friend to a man that you dont want to get confusing, communicate like a man. no - oh but you are lovelies. joke, be scarcastic, do enquire about them, do remember major events, do ask how they are doing.

dont text at night or when drunk. its not appropriate unless you are friends for ages. and boundaries in a relationship are also important when it comes to mutual friends.

thats your boyfriends friend. stop crossing boundaries with him. enjoy his company in the context of him being your boyfriends friend, and leave it at that, and then no worries.

i would ask why are you seeking his attention?

the only times i would be contacting such male friends of boyfriends are
to say happy birthday, arrange a surprise party for someone, text a joke.

err on the side of caution. and eliminate the worry.

democrates

NotSure wrote: »

No i dont think i do have a crush... have you never met someone and just felt like "god i think i could really gel with that person" and so you dont want to lose touch.
Thats how it feels.
Only difference is we are opposite sex.

So it's possible you may be developing a crush?

Sounds to me like you're not sure, but the fact that you're in such a bind over what he thinks of you and that you want to keep in touch so you can gel suggests there's more than a platonic interest from your side.

If it was the other way around and you found out your bf wanted to keep in touch with a female friend of yours because he felt he could really gel with her how would you feel? If she was a true friend would you expect her to let you know he was texting her?

It's possible that mr gel is a very good friend of your bf, told him about the texts and agreed to cease communication. Though being a guy it's possible he said nothing and unilaterally terminated that comms channel.

Remember it's very easy to think you like someone a lot when there are none of the expectations that a relationship brings, but going out with mr gel may not be as much fun as your imagination might suggest. On the other hand, maybe he's the guy you end up marrying.
Or, you break up with the bf to go with mr gel but mr gel says no because he's not going to 'betray' his mate.

Give it some time to get your head straight on where your heart is and think carefully before making a definitive move. In any event good luck and I hope things work out well for you.