Stuck In a Rut

LegacyUser

im feeling like im stuck in a rut at the moment and i really need other peoples prespectives on this situation

im 22 and in my 3rd yr of college, ive had part time jobs since i was 15. last yr i lived up in dublin, my parents paid for my rent and i paid for everything else although there were times that i needed money off them. anyway i landed a very good job this summer just gone and earned about 6 grand, i was living away from home and paying for rent, bills, food etc, didnt ask my parents for a penny. also i had a pretty hetic summer as in a had something on every week end. it was also the first summer that i had a nice amount of disposal income and i really enjoyed my summer because of that.


so now im back in college, ive decided to move home as i dont think its fair asking my parents to pay my rent, i commute 2 hours to college every day, i dont have a part time job as i really dont have the time at the moment.


i was in contact with my landlord over the deposit im due to get back(was meant to have recieved it at the beginging of this month, but he's messing me about) my brother is getting married this week and i needed the deposit to pay for my hotel, so i told my mum today that i still havent recieved it. her reply was "i told you i should have dealt with it" then she went on to say that i was a selfish c*nt, and that at 22 ive no grasp of responsibility and she was sick of giving me money(i get about €0 off my parents every week) she then went on to say that i should have saved money from the job i had in the summer but it would make sense that i didnt because im such a selfish c*nt.

im really hurt by this, ive always worked, there has been times when ive had no money and my parents have helped out, but i dont ask them for a penny more then what i need. i was meant to be going to london in a few weeks(for research for college) but ive decided to pull out as i dont want asking my parents for another penny. im noit trying to make my parents out to be hateful people as they do do alot for me but ive given up alot to live at home, ive hardly any social life, i do everything for my mother around the house, im up at 6 every morning to get to college and not home till about 7 every evening. my parents paid for rent for my brother for 6 yrs, they also paid for him to do a masters, he only worked during one college yr. i just think their being very hard on me. ive no money for my brothers wedding, and i dont want to ask them for any. my bro is coming home tomorrow for the last time before he's married and i really dont want any tension between my parents and me.

do you think im being selfish??? ive tried talking to them, but its like talking to a brick wall and they treat me like a 10 yr old, who cant have opinions because their the parents and im the child!!!!
please help

Ishindar

amiselfish? wrote: »

they treat me like a 10 yr old, who cant have opinions because their the parents and im the child!!!!
please help

and they are quite right imho.

after the age of 18 your parents have no obligation to you anymore and everything they offer u after that is a privilege that should be valued very highly.

LegacyUser

Ishindar wrote: »

and they are quite right imho.

after the age of 18 your parents have no obligation to you anymore and everything they offer u after that is a privilege that should be valued very highly.

Not true; they are obliged to maintain you until you reach the age of 23 if you're in full time education.

LegacyUser

well my parents told me and my brother that they would look after us financially while we're in education. i value the money they give me very highly, this is the first time in 7 yrs that i havent had a job, i work hard at home, i also help my dad out with the farm, i bend over backwards for them.

LegacyUser

Ishindar wrote: »

and they are quite right imho.

after the age of 18 your parents have no obligation to you anymore and everything they offer u after that is a privilege that should be valued very highly.

That's harsh .

My parents could have asked me to leave home at 18 but like with my older siblings, supported me financially during college. Looks like the OP is in a similar position and is someone who has decided to move back home to save his folks cash.

OP, your mother may well be stressed out about the wedding what with all the arrangements and dealing with relations etc etc so maybe she's just taking it out on you.

If they are willing to pay your rent in college then let them - it means you are out of the family home in which one is generally treated like a kid and you also can concentrate more on your studies.

G86

You are not financially independent regardless of whether your parents are paying your rent or if you are living at home with them. Your part time job is for disposable income only, you pay nothing towards your upkeep in your home, therefore you have NOTHING to complain about. You have it easy mate, there are a hell of alot of people who pay their own rent and everything else through college without mammy there to pay it for them.

So, quit complaining, have some respect, and take some responsibility.

SW81

G86 wrote: »

You are not financially independent regardless of whether your parents are paying your rent or if you are living at home with them. Your part time job is for disposable income only, you pay nothing towards your upkeep in your home, therefore you have NOTHING to complain about. You have it easy mate, there are a hell of alot of people who pay their own rent and everything else through college without mammy there to pay it for them.

So, quit complaining, have some respect, and take some responsibility.

Not very helpful! This forum is to help people, not ridicule them. If you have nothing helpful to say don't say anything at all!!!

G86

Quite the contrary, I have posted a few times here and given the best advice I could, however I don't think that the OP presents a valid complaint here and by posting on a public forum he/she is leaving themselves open to public opinion.

I am currently in my final year in college, I pay my own way and always have, as do many people, yes its hard but you get on with it if its what you really want. The OP has parents who are paying his rent for him, helping him out, yet he/she is complaining about minor issues. I'm afraid I find it very hard to sympathise.

But I do apologise if I appeared a bit harsh. I hope you work things out OP.

Sephiroth_dude

what happened to the 6 grand earned during the summer?if u dont mind me asking,get ur ma onto the landlord,im sure she'd sort him out for ya and get u ur cash back.

Chinafoot

amiselfish? wrote: »

ive decided to move home as i dont think its fair asking my parents to pay my rent,

Please don't fool yourself that you're being a martyr for your parents by moving home. They are still supporting you.

amiselfish? wrote: »

i commute 2 hours to college every day,

When you join the workforce you may find that a 2 hour daily commute is the norm for a lot of people. You should probably knock the "woe is me" stuff on the head before then.

amiselfish? wrote: »

i dont have a part time job as i really dont have the time at the moment.

Do you not have a job because of your commute or because you are focusing on college work? The latter is the only excuse really, you're commute isn't that long tbh. I did far longer throughout my entire degree and I still kept a part time job.

amiselfish? wrote: »

i was in contact with my landlord over the deposit im due to get back(was meant to have recieved it at the beginging of this month, but he's messing me about) my brother is getting married this week and i needed the deposit to pay for my hotel, so i told my mum today that i still havent recieved it. her reply was "i told you i should have dealt with it" then she went on to say that i was a selfish c*nt, and that at 22 ive no grasp of responsibility and she was sick of giving me money(i get about €0 off my parents every week) she then went on to say that i should have saved money from the job i had in the summer but it would make sense that i didnt because im such a selfish c*nt.

While I severly doubt your mother called you a c*nt (sounds awfully angsty tbh OP) she has a point. I'm assuming your brothers wedding has been planned for a while and you knew you'd need this money for the hotel...so why didn't you keep some of the 6 grand you made over the summer? That would have been the responsible thing to do.

amiselfish? wrote: »

im really hurt by this, ive always worked, there has been times when ive had no money and my parents have helped out, but i dont ask them for a penny more then what i need. i was meant to be going to london in a few weeks(for research for college) but ive decided to pull out as i dont want asking my parents for another penny.

Why are you hurt? She has a valid point. You knew this was coming up, you said yourself you had a good job and made a decent amount of money this summer, yet you couldn't set some aside for your brothers wedding. Is your London trip organised by the college or have you decided yourself to go over? When is it planned for? Did you know about the trip before you returned to college, and if so, again why didn't you set aside some of the money you earned? Did you expect your parents to pay for it? London isn't cheap so I'd imagine you'd need a fair amount for a few weeks stay.

amiselfish? wrote: »

im noit trying to make my parents out to be hateful people as they do do alot for me but ive given up alot to live at home, ive hardly any social life, i do everything for my mother around the house, im up at 6 every morning to get to college and not home till about 7 every evening

You've given up what? Going to the pub with your mates? Stay in a friends house if you want to go out. Again, don't make yourself out to be the martyr here. Plenty of people I went to college with would have loved to get home at 7pm! And if you're not working then you're not contributing to the household so it's pretty cheeky to bitch about being expected to help around the house.

amiselfish? wrote: »

my parents paid for rent for my brother for 6 yrs, they also paid for him to do a masters, he only worked during one college yr. i just think their being very hard on me. ive no money for my brothers wedding, and i dont want to ask them for any. my bro is coming home tomorrow for the last time before he's married and i really dont want any tension between my parents and me.

What your parents did for your brother has nothing to do with you. Their financial situation may have been different then, not to mention the fact that the cost of third level education, rent, and general living in this country has increased massively over the past few years. Or maybe they feel that you, despite all your bitching about what you've had to sacrifice, are more in need of a lesson on responsibility. Blowing 6 grand over one summer despite knowing you had financial obligations coming up would point me towards the latter.

amiselfish? wrote: »

do you think im being selfish??? ive tried talking to them, but its like talking to a brick wall and they treat me like a 10 yr old, who cant have opinions because their the parents and im the child!!!!
please help

I'll be blunt, you do sound selfish. You sound ungrateful for what your parents have done for you and your attitude of "I've given up so much, they're so unfair" must be very unpleasant to live with. Start taking responsibilty for yourself. Get a part-time job close to where you live. Get some weekend work if weekdays aren't possible.

As for your trip to London. Pay a visit to the bank and get a student loan instead of depending on your parents to fund what would be a very expensive research trip.

Oh and say thank you to your parents instead of acting like a child.

LegacyUser

ok first off i do not take my parents for granted, quite the opposite in fact, if i took them for granted i wouldnt have started to work at the age of 15, my parents are not by any means poor but they have should me to value money etc.
it was agreeed that if i moved home then they would give me €80 a week to tie me over and considering my bus is €14 a day that doesnt leave alot to mess around with, however im not talking about that.


i have paid my way for many things, i understand many other people have it much worse but thats like telling a kid eat all your food, what about all the hungry children in Africa. i am talking about my experience telling me that other people have it harder doesnt help me as such.


ive had 2 extremly tough years, where i went through hell for reasons i wont go into here. i just cant understand how my parents didnt make a big deal out of my brother not working and yet they supported him for 6 yrs of 3rd level education, whereas for the first time in 7 yrs i dont have a job and they hit the roof.


the 6 grand i earned over the summer went towards rent, bills, socialising and a samll loan, i do realise that i could have made more of an effort to save, but it was the first summer where i had a decent job and decent wages.

massey woman

I think you are totally irresponsible with your money
Mum and Dad have spoiled you and you believe you can count on them when in need of financial assistance,ie take them for granted
Maybe their financial position has changed since your brother was in college.Your lucky they have a house and accommodation for their jewel
Do children ever consider their parents needs
Many parents spend the best years of their lives bringing up selfish cun**-to quote your mother- in difficult circumstances who think it hard to speak to them in a civil manner when thet grow up,unless of course they want something
I should have asked did you get a grant as you said you helped on the farm and I understand from my own children that all the farmers children are grant aided and that money is spent in the bar

Chinafoot

amiselfish wrote: »

ok first off i do not take my parents for granted, quite the opposite in fact, if i took them for granted i wouldnt have started to work at the age of 15, my parents are not by any means poor but they have should me to value money etc.

Learning the value of money also involves learning to be responsible financially. That includes budgeting. It's your brothers wedding! How could you not have planned for that? This deposit you're due to get back, did you provide that or your parents?

amiselfish wrote: »

it was agreeed that if i moved home then they would give me €80 a week to tie me over and considering my bus is €14 a day that doesnt leave alot to mess around with, however im not talking about that.

So you're telling me that you have no other way to get to college without paying €70 a week....and you only have a 2hour daily commute? Forgive me, but I shall remain sceptical on that one. What other expenses do you have? Rent? Nope. Food? Nope. Bills? Nope. If you can't survive on the allowance you're given, get a job. Thats how the world works.

amiselfish wrote: »

i have paid my way for many things, i understand many other people have it much worse but thats like telling a kid eat all your food, what about all the hungry children in Africa. i am talking about my experience telling me that other people have it harder doesnt help me as such.

Ah so we should just let you wallow? Telling you that other people have it harder should make you wake up a little and realise that for all your moaning, you have it pretty good and you should be grateful for that.

amiselfish wrote: »

ive had 2 extremly tough years, where i went through hell for reasons i wont go into here. i just cant understand how my parents didnt make a big deal out of my brother not working and yet they supported him for 6 yrs of 3rd level education,

Again, things may have changed since your brother was being supported. Comparing the two situations is pointless. Also, don't kid yourself that you were aware of every conversation that ever went on between your parents and your brother while he was attending college. I don't see the relevance of your "two years of hell" since you obviously came through it with your parents support. They were paying your rent weren't they?

amiselfish wrote: »

whereas for the first time in 7 yrs i dont have a job and they hit the roof.

From your first post it would seem your parents "hit the roof" because you don't have the money for the hotel for your brothers wedding, despite knowing you needed this money and despite earning a substantial amount this summer...not because you don't have a job.

amiselfish wrote: »

the 6 grand i earned over the summer went towards rent, bills, socialising and a samll loan, i do realise that i could have made more of an effort to save, but it was the first summer where i had a decent job and decent wages.

Look, nobody is saying you shouldnt have enjoyed yourself over the summer and you should have saved every penny. What I am saying is that you knew you had the wedding coming up and you didn't set aside a small amount of the money you made for an important family event. If a member of my family did that and then expected others to fork out for them I'd be very unimpressed. Your parents are probably stressed as it is with the wedding coming up, particularly your mother.

Job or a loan tbh.

LegacyUser

china foot
im not trying to play the "poor me card"
my mother did call me a c*nt
i am in college 5 days a week, and ive an awful lot of study to do hence not having time for a job, oh and i also help my parents at home and on the farm, which takes up alot of time.
my parents agreed that they would support me this yr in college and they understand that i dont have time for a job, that is why i didnt save, i had alot of expenses myself to pay this summer, i have already taken out a student loan, and i paid it back this summer.
i dont get everything i ask for nor do i expect to, i dont just get money into my hand from my parents i do alot of work to get it. i do work that alot of men wouldnt be able to do.
the trip to london is for 2 days, its to do with a project im doing.
i understand that my parents work every hard to earn the money they earn, my problem is that that they told me they'd support me and now their throwing the fact that i dont have a job back in my face. they asked me would i move home to save them some money and i agreed.
i oersonally dont think im being selfish as i cant stand selfish people, i dont ask for disposable money to spend on clothes and socialising, i get about €20 a day.

nyarlothothep

Ah fck this, the dude/chick is just trying to get by. I know that sometimes there isn't any other option except for people to support themselves. However, parental/child relations needn't be so mercantile as they're being typecast here. Maybe some parents support their kids because (a) they can without much hardship (b) because they love them (c) because their just letting their kids have a good college experience instead of the alternative which is some bleak punishing calvinist scenario where 2 hour commutes are fine and working while studying on an intensive course is what you have to do, even though it will make you feel like twenty zillion tonnes of sh1t. Fck that. 2 hour commutes suck. I did it and changed the situation because I don't tolerate that hardship crap. Landlords fck loads of people around. You weren't being irresonsible here, just unfairly duped. Get on to him and make him pay up now, research the laws on landlord tenant relations.

Chinafoot

amiselfish wrote: »

china foot
im not trying to play the "poor me card"
my mother did call me a c*nt
i am in college 5 days a week, and ive an awful lot of study to do hence not having time for a job, oh and i also help my parents at home and on the farm, which takes up alot of time.

As you're living under their roof without contributing you should be helping out...that is your contribution. Your whole attitude is one of "well, I do this and that and I gave up this and that." You don't seem to care that you are living at home, rent free and are being given an allowance by your parents to help with your expenses. If you come across to your parents the way you come across on this thread it is completely understandable that they would deem you selfish.

amiselfish wrote: »

my parents agreed that they would support me this yr in college and they understand that i dont have time for a job, that is why i didnt save, i had alot of expenses myself to pay this summer, i have already taken out a student loan, and i paid it back this summer.

You had €6,000 of expenses this summer? Your brothers wedding and your trip to London should have been included in these expenses. They should have taken preference over your social life. Thats what responsibilty is all about.

Why not get another student loan to tide you over until you are finished since you can't survive on what your parents are giving you and feel so aggrieved by your parents response to you not having money for things? Repayments can be delayed until you are working again.

amiselfish wrote: »

i dont get everything i ask for nor do i expect to, i dont just get money into my hand from my parents i do alot of work to get it. i do work that alot of men wouldnt be able to do.

See, this is the attitude I'm talking about. You say you don't expect everything you ask for yet you sound very annoyed about how hard you work, how much you've given up, etc, and to be frank you sound like you feel you're entitled to more from your parents. Afterall your brother got it, right? You need to readjust your thinking and realise that you are being supported by your parents. They are funding your education, your accommodation, your travel and whatever social life you have. Working on their farm and around the house is the least you can do.

amiselfish wrote: »

the trip to london is for 2 days, its to do with a project im doing.
i understand that my parents work every hard to earn the money they earn, my problem is that that they told me they'd support me and now their throwing the fact that i dont have a job back in my face. they asked me would i move home to save them some money and i agreed.

Again there's the martyr. You agreed to move home? If your parents had any sense they would have told you to come home. They were paying your way and if they want you home to take the pressure off financially then you do it. When you make your own money you can make your own rules.

amiselfish wrote: »

i oersonally dont think im being selfish as i cant stand selfish people, i dont ask for disposable money to spend on clothes and socialising, i get about €20 a day.

If you want more money find another source of income, ie: a student loan.
Also, have you tried seeing things from your mothers point of view? Her sons wedding is coming up and she's going to be very stressed out. The last thing she needs is you sticking your hand out because you were irresponsible with your money.

You came on here and asked were you being selfish. You seem to firmly believe that you aren't being selfish so why bother asking? Did you want people to just tell you what you want to hear? Given the tone and, lets be frank, content of your posts you may not get your wish.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I don't think you sound selfish, just a bit pissed off - which I can empathize with.

It sounds like what's bothering you is:

(a) your mother called you a c*nt, I'm sure you're mother's a lovely person any everything but it's not exactly what you want to hear coming out of your mothers mouth and directed at you! Uncalled for whatever the situation.

(b) Also, it sounds like you feel as though there's a bit of a double standard between yourself and your brother - and I could see why this would piss you off and confuse you. If it makes you feel any better I was the same when I was in college. My sister gets money into the hand from both my parents whereas I never got anything, however, I had my own job and my parents helped me out if I was stuck for money for books etc. My parents didn't give me money because they had it in their minds that I was independent and my sister wasn't capable of holding down a job so I took it as a bit of a compliment, or maybe that was just my parent's ploy to get out of helping me financially

If your parents said they'd support you maybe you and your parents had different ideas about what that meant? If you're getting 20 euro a day, that's 100 euro a week and that's a lot of money - I know you're helping out on the farm but for people brought up on farms that's kind of expected and part of the deal!

I know lots of students and 100 euro is the upper average of contributions from parents - I know it sounds like a lot but when you work it all out I know it doesn't go very far! Surely you could get a flat for 70 euro a week (price of bus) if you're based outside Dub?

Listen, if I were in your situation I'd probably just get a part time job if I could at all manage it time wise. I always did little jobs on campus and tried to work it into my day, not ideal but it paid for my lunch and petrol money anyway!

Best of luck

b3t4

Your parents paid for your brother's accomodation through college so that's more than likely not the issue here.

The issue here is that you are under your mother's feet and more than likely complaining to her about your money issues. By the look of things, in your house, the status quo is that your parents will pay for you to have a roof over your head but aren't inclined to give you extra cash on top of that.

My advise:
1. Speak with your mother on how you were taken aback by what she said. Do not get confrontational with her or stamp your feet like a child.
2. Discuss you moving out and them paying for the accomodation.
3. You will then need to get a part time job to cover any other expenses.

Do not, I repeat, do not, bring up the above till your brother's wedding is over.

A.

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for your posts, the majority of them gave sound advice.
i would really hate to be described as a selfish person, i give alot of my time to other people, not just my family.
my dad had a talk with me last night, and told me not to worry about anything that shes just very stressed out and took it out on you, although she is still v annoyed about my deposit.
anyway thanks