Thinking of leaving wife

LegacyUser

After 2 years of unhappy marriage I think I'm at the stage where I should leave my wife. We don't talk except to argue, I can never do anything right for her, theres always a flaw. She constantly questions my judgement and abilities and has completely knocked the confidence out of me. I compromise for her all the time but she won't for me, not even on the smallest of things, it has to be her way. We have no physical relationship, we don't even kiss anymore. I just don't know what to do. She wont see a counsellor as "what would they know" or "why should I talk a stranger" so that's out of the question. We have no kids and no joint property. I love her but I'm not in love with her. What should I do?

biko

It would seem you'd be better off separating and then perhaps a divorce later on. In my opinion.

00_katie_00

I am sorry to hear of your situation, in my opinion I think you should ask her to set aside some time this evening or tommorow so you can have a talk with her, then simply tell her what you told this board... you are in love with her but not in love with her anymore..

if that doesnt faze her then the reason shes been acting the way you described is that she doesnt care or love you anymore either so spending one more minute in this toxic r/ship will be a waste of time.

I had a personal experience with this type of manipulating etc before & you will be the one to make it through this alright, believe me she will be the one to suffer as no one will put up with being treated like ****e day in & day out.

Zulu

She won't even try?
Walk away. What's holding you back. Might just be the kick in the hole she needs.

Rev Hellfire

Certainly sounds like its worth doing. Life's to short to be putting up with grief unless you need to. Would be worth getting some legal advise first off, so you can at least ensure you have a good chance of taking away with you what you're entitled to.

SpookyDoll

Man, get the fuk outta Dodge!

She wont try, you dont love her, there is no kids...get shot of her cos she sounds like a nightmare and life is too short!

Phlann

Go for it, man. No sense in sticking around if it's that bad. Tbh, it sounds like she's not very happy with you either, but maybe she's afraid to pull the trigger.

In any case, pay heed to the advice above - get legal advice before you do anything. Things could turn ugly fast!

Anti

Get out, if she has knocked yoru confidence this much already its only going to slip more staying with her.

G&T

You should go imo

I think it would be very brave of you/ye to
admit it wasn't working out and seperate.
I would think less of a couple who knew thing's were bad
but still had kid's and were never happy.

Big Tone

Unregistered wrote: »

After 2 years of unhappy marriage I think I'm at the stage where I should leave my wife. We don't talk except to argue, I can never do anything right for her, theres always a flaw. She constantly questions my judgement and abilities and has completely knocked the confidence out of me. I compromise for her all the time but she won't for me, not even on the smallest of things, it has to be her way. We have no physical relationship, we don't even kiss anymore. I just don't know what to do. She wont see a counsellor as "what would they know" or "why should I talk a stranger" so that's out of the question. We have no kids and no joint property. I love her but I'm not in love with her. What should I do?

They say there's two sides to every story.

It would be interesting to hear her take on it.

Have you not discussed the above with her? Talking about it is the only way to settle this, the problem wont go away by not confronting it diplomatically.

Think back, what was she like 2 years ago before ye got married, were you both happy, and how long did you know each other, were ye living together or did you get married after a short courtship? What changed, besides getting married, was there anything or even anoyone else?

Posters here saying things like "get the fuk outta Dodge" are unhelpful when they dont know that there is more to this than meets the eye.

It seems you leave more questions than answers in your post above.

LegacyUser

Yep big tone, you are right there are two sides, but I can only give mine, and she will never give hers. Yes, I do let her down occasionally, I'm not the perfect husband, I do not keep all my promises, though I try to, but then who can? She gets into a rage for the smallest things and blows them out of proportion, Theres always a bigger issue that what has actually happened. One example is that I had to draw a line on a piece of carpet that needed to be cut, line was drawn on the back and was slightly crooked. She lost the plot, the carpet was destroyed, I was disrespectfull of her property and was totally selfish, we didn't speak for two days after that. I could go on with similar examples but you get the idea. If it can be argued about it will be and we have a minimum of one a week.

RealJohn

You should probably tell her that you think you'll have to seperate if things continue the way they are and make sure she knows you're serious. From your post though, it seems to me like you want to make it work so I wouldn't give up on it just yet.

Talk to your parents and her parents too if she refuses to talk to you. Your parents will be good support and hers will either take her side and consider you the enemy or they'll try to talk some sense into her.

Or talk to family if parents aren't an option. Don't think that just because the problem might be between you that you can't talk to anyone else about it. A counsellor would probably be a good idea but if she refuses, there isn't much you can do. She can't avoid her family forever though and it's unlikely they'll want to see their daughter's marriage fail.

Best of luck anyway. I hope it works out for you.

Lollipops23

relationships need work on both sides. If she's not willing to put the effort in then you're better off without her. she sounds like a bully IMHO.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Yep big tone, you are right there are two sides, but I can only give mine, and she will never give hers. Yes, I do let her down occasionally, I'm not the perfect husband, I do not keep all my promises, though I try to, but then who can? She gets into a rage for the smallest things and blows them out of proportion, Theres always a bigger issue that what has actually happened. One example is that I had to draw a line on a piece of carpet that needed to be cut, line was drawn on the back and was slightly crooked. She lost the plot, the carpet was destroyed, I was disrespectfull of her property and was totally selfish, we didn't speak for two days after that. I could go on with similar examples but you get the idea. If it can be argued about it will be and we have a minimum of one a week.

She was obviously pissed off about something else and took it out on you. Alot of girls can be like that. You should call her out on it and don't argue , that is what she wants.

If it's knocking your confidence she will 'loose respect for you'.... . You definitely need to stand up for yourself and for what's right. If you've gotten to the point where you are thinking of leaving and she won't even talk to a counsellor with you maybe your decision is made for you. At least in this situation you have no kids or property.

TheDriver

I must ask why did you marry initially, were things better or love is blindness??

dudara

What steps have you taken to try to work through things with her? Have you told her at any stage how worried you are about the marriage in it's current condition.

You can't leave her without at least making it very clear to her how you feel, and what the fallout will be if you both don't try to work it out.

I may be wrong but-

if you leave her, you're still technically married. So if you were to find someone else, you wont be able to marry them.

But get out of there. If it's making you this unhappy, then just leave it.

mad m

OT a bit ,but thoses of you who have given advice, are you married?

Sit her down if you can and try and spell it out, that you are thinking of leaving her and your marriage. Ask her again about going to see a counsellor.

Oryx

Couple of questions. How long are you together? Did you live together before marriage? How long has this situation been going on?

What I hear from both of your posts is that you as a couple are entrenched on either side of a great big divide. Whatever has gone on in the past while has been allowed to fester, till she detests you so much she cant even stand to kiss you. Thats a symptom of intense and prolonged anger and frustration. Her lack of talk indicates the same. - Why bother, she would rather hate you (and by that make you hurt).

It may sound like Im painting her as a b*tch here, but Im not. You admit in a very mild way that you also are less than perfect, so you have in some way contributed to this mess. It didnt fall out of the sky. She may be irrational, but she wasnt always or you wouldnt have married her, surely? Thats why I asked the questions, to try and shed some light on whats gone on. Are you both simply incompatible housemates? Or has she fallen out of love?

She will talk to you, you know. But she wont talk if she feels that it will turn into a row, or that all her issues will be dismissed by you. So ask again for her to talk, and allow her to talk and listen to her. Ask her to help you both do this calmly. Ask her to listen to you. Its harder, but you can begin the process of working this out alone, if you have a will to. It may be a talk that leads to your breakup, or it may be the beginning of understanding and recovery of your relationship. Dont have expectations, just see where it goes.

Its a marriage, youre in it, you may as well try this before simply writing it off as done.

LegacyUser

I didn't expect this level of response to my posts so thanks to you all. We were together 5 yrs before getting married, living together for 3 of them, the first couple were great and then it just started to slide, little things but there all the same. There were warning signs along the way that I ignored, I guess I just hoped it would all work out. I can't be more specific with details as there is always the chance that she or someone else connected to us may recognise us. I want it to work out, but I just don't know...

Bonzo1970

I would advise posters here to be cautious. There are two sides to a story and asking advice about ending a marriage on the Internet? A bit zany! What have your friends said? Your family? Questions can be framed so that oonly one answer can be given.

Bonzo1970

I would also add that walking away from a marriage is not the same as walking away from an ordinary relationship. If you were married in a Church-the intention was that it was for life. Though some people insult real Christians by using the church as a venue.

No wonder society is going down hill if the average poster here-says walk away. Remember we all have an influence on each other. We are not totally autonomous Individuals.

LegacyUser

I understand entirely where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. I had been married for 2 years and been with the guy for 4 years prior to that. I was deeply unhappy and had slipped into depression. He was emotionally abusive - shouting at me and arguing over the littlest things. I asked him to come to a marriage counsellor with me but he refused citing why should he have to go, I was the one who was messed up. So I went to a marriage counsellor alone and the flipping counsellor told me that if he was unwilling to attend, then there was no point in remaining in the marriage.

I only confided in 2 friends and summoned the energy to pack my stuff and move out. I was gone 1 week when he called me to ask me was it out of my system yet and when was I going to come home! After 3 weeks I got up the guts to tell my parents.

Now it is 5 years later and I have my own house, a new partner, a dog (!) and will be applying for my divorce soon.

I sometimes still feel sad that the marriage didn't work out. I feel like I let many people down - my family and his family. But I know that I would have been very unhappy there and my life it too short to stay in such a situation.

My opinion is that you owe it to yourself and your wife to lead long happy lives. If she's not the one for you and you're not the one for her then you need to talk it out. Tell her how you feel. Don't make any rash decisions.

But do make sure that you exhaust ever possibility for fixing the marriage. You may regret it in time if you don't. You may be full of "what ifs"

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Bonzo1970 wrote: »

I would also add that walking away from a marriage is not the same as walking away from an ordinary relationship. If you were married in a Church-the intention was that it was for life. Though some people insult real Christians by using the church as a venue.

No wonder society is going down hill if the average poster here-says walk away. Remember we all have an influence on each other. We are not totally autonomous Individuals.

Would you rather people remain in unhappy and abusive marriages, like they did 50 years ago, than getting out and having an opportunity at a happy life for themselves?

You are right, we are not autonomous individuals and people who are unhappy in their lives can have a negative effect on those around them.

G&T

Bonzo1970 wrote: »

I would also add that walking away from a marriage is not the same as walking away from an ordinary relationship. If you were married in a Church-the intention was that it was for life. Though some people insult real Christians by using the church as a venue.

No wonder society is going down hill if the average poster here-says walk away. Remember we all have an influence on each other. We are not totally autonomous Individuals.

Im married and not going to be flippant about my advise.
The op is very unhappy and can't save his marriage alone,
problems get bigger with the arrival of kid's and imho
he should leave the relationship to force his wife to
get talking,and give the op a break.

Relationship's can be "made" to work but it shouldn't
be a chore to be married,your oh is supposed to be your
greatest support and friend
It's worth saving something that on average make's you happy,
more good day's than bad day's.imo

Im sooo annoyed you think the the op should stay because
of where he got married,
I was married in a church and bring my kid's to mass
but I wouldn't stay in a bad marriage for anyone.
Am not an Al à carte catholic,just make's no sense
to me to take relationship advise from the church
that can't have a clue what they're talking about.


Good luck op,

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Sorry for your situation.

Have you thought about writing down your thoughts on paper and allowing your oh to hear where you are without interuption. Hopefully this will enable you to express just how fragile your situation is.

Doing this may also help her compose her own thoughts, maybe she will write down how she feels allowing her to be heard without interuption, argument or judgment.

This suggestion may sound a bit soft but it has worked for me in the past 11 years with my own wife. Don't give up hope.

M.

Teacherman

I think what bonzo is trying to say is that Posters are being a bit trigger happy in suggesting that he, the thread starter, should just get up and go. A) No one here knows him or Her Marriage is meant to be for life and thus should not be lightly departed.

[Jackass]

OP was there any significant incident or time when this all begun? Obviously don't be specific, but how did it come to this in such a (relatively) short time?

If you feel this way then it's possible she does too. I'm sure you love eachother, you wouldn't be married otherwise, but if you can approach the subject of being unhappy, hopefully you will be able to discuss it.

Seperation / divorce may be the solution, but I think you should give yourself, the marriage and especially her a chance to figure it out. No bobody wants to be unhappy or make somebody else unhappy, so maybe you should address the situation.

If you can get to talking about it in a non-confrontational manner, you can make serious progress. Just knowing how the other person feels is 90% of the battle and will open a whole new insight into things.

Best of luck anyway, and be positive, you have no major commitments other than the marriage, so no ones life will be disrupted if things don't work out, but in the interest of fairness I think you need to address the "marriage failing" issue with a clean slate and give everybody a chance to resolve it. Look for a resolution that if you do have to walk away, at least you can do it on good terms with a mutual respect that you tried to make it work with eachother.