Boyfriend read my diary

LegacyUser

WEll.. my now ex- My bovf read my diary (it was badly hidden) and in it I had written first impressions of him from when we first met.. said some things that were hurtful to read but that I don't think anymore.. just observations and stuff I thought after one week of knowing him. There was good stuff there too obviously but he's just focussed on the bad. He has broken it off as he's so hurt by what he read and I don't see him coming back to me, it's only been a couple of days but he called me up to say he was breaking if off that he couldn;t be confident with me anymore etc. He said he can't come back from it.
Thing is I thought he was the one, I didn't envision losing him, espec for something so damn trivial. I feel bad that I hurt him and I'm not mad that he snooped around my room (he knew I had a diary somewhere)... but if he didn't do that it wouldn;t have happened.

Any thoughts people? I'm finding it really really hard to cope right now.

von Neumann

He shouldn't have read your diary. Everbody knows that. I'd be seriously pissed.

Try talking it through with him, he'll have to be willing to meet you half way on this.

c - 13

Reading your diary is a pretty big invasion of privacy FFS. Are you sure you want to be with someone that doesnt respect you ?

ShawnRaven

You play with fire, and you get burnt. That's exactly what he did the second he opened the cover of your diary.

You sound like you dodged a bullet there. It's gonna be a shock to the system for a short while. Your best bet is to rally the troops, as in your closest friends, get out at the weekends and try to live it up. There are the obvious things you don't do in a relationship, going through diaries, phones etc are ultimate no-no's.

One final thing, the "badly hidden" isn't an excuse. I'm sure he "badly hid" his mobile phone at times but you hardly took it and went through it, did you?

beth-lou

Well it sounds as thoughh e has some serious growing up to do.
Firstly he is the one who breached your trust by reading your private thoughts.
Secondly, he should be big enough to know that first impressions can be wrong and if he read on and you had nice things about him, which I'm sure you did, then he should be able to appreciate that fact that you knew you were wrong, hence the relationship.

I don't know how you sort this to be honest. He owes you an apology and all you can do is ask him why he is focusing on the negative and not on the stuff that came after. Can I ask what age he is?
He went looking for secrets and he didn't like what he found. He has trust issues. Do you really want to be him if he doesn't trust you and is willing to throw your relationship away over some ramblings from a while ago that mean nothing today?

seamus

ShawnRaven wrote: »

You play with fire, and you get burnt. That's exactly what he did the second he opened the cover of your diary.

Pretty much. Reading someone else's diary is what siblings do to annoy each other. Adults should have the cop on to not go near it.

For adults in particular, a diary can be a transcript of a person's thoughts. As we all know, we all have thoughts which nobody will ever or should ever hear. If we all knew what everyone else was thinking all of the time, we'd never get along with anyone else and we'd never trust anyone else.
This is akin to what he's done - read your thoughts at a single moment in time and taken that as indicative of your overall outlook.

You have nothing to apologise for except wasting your time with this idiot.

Morlar

I think it would depend on what exactly you had said about him. If it was bad enough then he is probably right to cut his losses (imo). Why did you not keep it hidden or make it clear that he shouldnt read it >? Writing (possibly) nasty things about somone and then leaving it in plain view for curiosity to take effect - were you surprised that he read it ? What sort of reaction would you have expected knowing as you do what was written there ?

g'em

Morlar wrote: »

Why did you not keep it hidden or make it clear that he shouldnt read it >?

It's a diary, it shouldn't need any explicit instructions not to be viewed.

She shouldn't need to justify her private thoughts to anyone, any more than we have to justify what runs through our mind all day, every day. Writing them down makes them no less personal.

OP your ex sounds childish, irrational, insecure and petty. Is he really so close-minded that he can't see who's at fault here?

Morlar

g'em wrote: »

It's a diary, it shouldn't need any explicit instructions not to be viewed. ?

Thats true but meanwhile on earth . . .

Put the shoe on the other foot for a second - if he had written nasty things about her - like say he didnt like her body, thought her friends were more attractive etc would she have been offended enough to break things off ? Considering that he could have been saying one thing and writing something completely opposite its easy to see how that could backfire.

As I said - it depends entirely on what was written so only the OP knows if he over-reacted. If she didnt want it read she should have made sure he knew it was out of bounds or at least put it away properly. imo.

all the stars

silkoroad wrote: »

Any thoughts people? I'm finding it really really hard to cope right now.

Sorry petal, this is why many years ago i tore up my diary and put it (page by page) into the fire.

Was not taking the chance of anyone reading my private thoughts. Glad too, coz i told O/H that it was long gone and he said "pity, would have loved to read that" - now he was joking, however, cant leave things like that around and then think nobody will read it.

Maybe in future, keep it under lock & key or just keep private thoughts as just that private thoughts....

metamorphic

meh, I've had people tell me they didn't like me on first meeting me more than once, and a couple of girlfriends too. If he can't realise that obviously you re-evaluated and like him then what can you do? He must be very insecure to let that get to him seeing as you ended up going out anyway.

and on the flip side, he opened pandora's box and got a shock. AND what a pleb to go running to you with it "I read your diary, and didn't like it". If you do want him back just tell him your feelings changed from when you wrote it. If you look at it a bit more coldly he sounds a bit immature.

you could always lie and say you just fill in a load of nonsense to see if anyone does make reference to it, thus knowing someone had read your diary, and subsequently knowing they're not too trustworthy. Stroke your chin and cackle "Ha! and you fell for it!".

all the stars

g'em wrote: »

It's a diary, it shouldn't need any explicit instructions not to be viewed.

She shouldn't need to justify her private thoughts to anyone, any more than we have to justify what runs through our mind all day, every day. Writing them down makes them no less personal.

OP your ex sounds childish, irrational, insecure and petty. Is he really so close-minded that he can't see who's at fault here?

While i agree with your point, i dont know many people who wouldn't want to have a flick... so, temptation is a big contender here, and say what you like but most people would sneak a peek... most would be curious.

Phototoxin

I disagree, I keep a diary and while I dont write 'xyz is a soddin asshat' in it I still wouldnt want people to read it as its none of their business.

If i left it on the kitchen table or in a locked safe it shoudnt make a difference.

The OPs BF should trust and respect her enough not to read it.

00_katie_00

g'em wrote: »

It's a diary, it shouldn't need any explicit instructions not to be viewed.

She shouldn't need to justify her private thoughts to anyone, any more than we have to justify what runs through our mind all day, every day. Writing them down makes them no less personal.

OP your ex sounds childish, irrational, insecure and petty. Is he really so close-minded that he can't see who's at fault here?

I think whats happened here is the boyfriends ego has taken a tumble & he feels embarassed that he read the diary at all & cannot admit that what he did was wrong... so many bad traits coming out in this guy.. I'd stay as far as I could from him if I were you & count your lucky stars that you found all this out about him sooner rather than later!:rolleyes:

Irishcrx

He shouldn't have read it for one but he did so focus from that, At least those first impressions changed and you saw him in a better light and ended up falling for him it'd be worst if you had great first impressions and then saw him for being someone who disrespected you and invaded your privacy....

Wagon

Curiousity got the better of him i suppose, but still no excuse. I wouldn't read a diary myself. It'd be like looking into someones mind and seeing their innermost thoughts, those that are meant to be kept private.

I can understand how he could feel though, that if he read something like "he was okay i guess, but boring. i LOVED his mate" or if you tried with one of his mates first before him he might feel like second choice, or you could have thought he was an asshole So yeah, he'd be pretty put out. Still though, the golden rule of a diary is that you shouldn't read it if you aren't prepared to risk your own ego cos there's no way of knowing what's going to be in there.

Anyway, I don't agree with what he did. Best to leave him for a while and see if he gets some perspective on the situation, ie. he shouldn't have read it. If he doesn't want to see that, then just move on and not bother. Find some better

LegacyUser

Lordy...look, OP, you said yourself the diary wasn't very well hidden...anyone who is saying that they wouldn't take a peek at their OH's diary if they had the chance is lying, plain and simple. You may boast on here that you have supreme self-control, but imagine if you were in the situation.

OP, what exactly did you say about him in your diary? I'd be extremely hurt if I read stuff that was, well, hurtful in my OH's diary, even if it was back when we first met...it's hard to get over really hurtful comments. I remember my OH saying something along the lines of that one of my mates was better-looking than me (this was around 4 years ago, when we first started going out), and to this day, when I think about it, it still hurts! He was a pure knob for saying it, and I gave him the cold shoulder for a while for it. (he was drunk when he said it, but hey! Still hurt)

So tbh, seeing it in writing, would make me feel much worse...

I don't see why you would keep such negative thoughts written down anyway....or tear them out if you didn't feel that way anymore...

I don't agree with the posters saying your b/f is immature, etc....I think he's really hurt, as he rightly should be!

I reckon you should grovel - ALOT.

g'em

Morlar wrote:

Thats true but meanwhile on earth . . .

Here on earth I don't read other people's diaries, and neither should anyone else, simple as that.

all the stars wrote: »

temptation is a big contender here, and say what you like but most people would sneak a peek... most would be curious.

I'm tempted to do things I shouldn't all the time, but there's a line that I know I shouldn't cross, so I don't. The OP's ex-bf jumped over the line and invaded her privacy in a very, very personal way, if he can't respect her privacy then (as hard as it may be) she's probably better off without.

Besides, he's throwing a hissy fit about stuff she wrote after knowing him a week? Insecure much?

Mr. Incognito

Well it's his owwn fault the sneaky little git.

I'd tell him to take a running leap. You have NOTHING to apologise for. If anything HE should be the one apologising.

Who keeps diaries in this day and age anyway. I wouldn't have anything so incriminating about.

CPT. SURF

This is a tough one and I think it would be unfair to place ultimate blame on either party. A diary is private, no doubt about that and he should have stayed away. Now he may be showing some insecurity by his reaction to reading to the things written down but there is another important point being missed by the posters so far...

You mentioned that you thought he might have been "The One". If you were thinking those thoughts I imagine he was undoubtedly thinking along those lines too. So if he was mad about you and thinking about a potentially long-term relationship, then perhaps he thought it best to access all information available information. Not saying that is the "right" thing to do, it is just that if you are really serious about someone you want to be sure they are the right person.

What he found has probably devastated him. He is probably thinking: "I loved her, would never say a bad word about her, crazy about her, etc. And now I feel like a complete fool for being so naive." That's gotta hurt.

Good luck, but I suppose the severity of what was written in the diary will determine the outcome.

seahorse

silkoroad wrote: »

I didn't envision losing him, espec for something so damn trivial.

Relegating his feelings to the realms of the "damn trivial" is really not going to help matters. If he was and is hurt by what he read the situation is obviously far from trivial to him. Still, it’d clarify matters if you told us what he read about himself. It’d be easier to judge then whether it is in fact a trivial matter he is blowing out of proportion in his own mind.

Needless to say he shouldn’t have read it in the first place, but that's really besides the point. Information gleaned through snooping is considered relevant if it's discovered a persons partner is cheating, so why the hierarchy of importance regarding information discovered? Why is it deemed less worthy if a partner finds that they are thought fat/ugly/disinteresting/stupid by their other half?

PeakOutput

your not going to get him back by being all apologetic about writing the stuff about him be blunt

tell him you thought he was more mature than to go reading someones diary and ore mature than to take offence about minor first impressions

tell him your hurt that he read your diary and YOU dont know if YOU can ever forgive HIM

if he still wants you this will snap him out of his self pity and blindness over being a victim and if he simply dosnt care enough that your hurt too then your better off without him

dudara

Let's forget about the diary for a second. Try to think about why he is so upset? He had one mental image in his head, and reading your diary disproved that.

Had you ever told him what you originally thought, or ever gave him reason to believe otherwise?

The other possibility is that he is immature emotionally and unable to accept that peoples' feelings change as time goes on.

gaybitch

If you explained to him that these were your first impressions and that you don't think the same now - and tell him what you do love about him, and how you proved yourself wrong - and he still is upset, then I'd just leave it. Don't apologise for what was in your diary, though - that was YOUR diary. It wasn't a betrayal of trust on your part to write down what you thought - they were your thoughts and opinions and it was your private journal.

Personally, if my boyfriend read my diary, I would go absolutely ape****. I would be the one feeling betrayed - I'd feel my privacy had been invaded, that he was disrespectful, nosy, mean, and overbearing. Anyone with any iota of cop-on and maturity knows not to read a close one's diary. All these arguments of "We'd all do it..." Well, I certainly wouldn't because I keep a diary and would absolutely hate for someone to read it. It's hard to describe the level of personal invasion you'd feel if someone had the cheek to pick up and read your diary - and then have the further cheek to argue with you over something you'd written about them therein.

Whatever he read in there - positive or negative - wasn't his to read. If what he read offended him, you can just argue that it wasn't his to see. As another poster said, play with fire and you get burnt. It just adds another level to his immaturity that he blames you for his hurt feelings.


You had a first impression, you didn't know him well at all and had a rough opinion of him - obviously you don't still have this first impression or you wouldn't be with him.

If he can't get over his bruised ego that you didn't fall in love with everything about him on sight, then let him alone until he cops on.

ergonomics

He went snooping because he wanted to know what you had written in there about him, or possibly other men. He was looking for trouble, and possibly an argument. Don't grovel, don't apologise. He doesn't deserve it.

LegacyUser

ergonomics wrote: »

He went snooping because he wanted to know what you had written in there about him, or possibly other men. He was looking for trouble, and possibly an argument. Don't grovel, don't apologise. He doesn't deserve it.

I have to agree. I was seeing someone once and extremely insecure as his position in life was a hell of a lot better than mine and i doubted his intentions. Anyway I took a peek at his texts and sure enough he was telling his mate i was just good in the sack.

I was caught by the short and curlys by that stage cos i had to admit to him that i had looked at his phone to confront him about it or leave it, so i was worse off. Anyway told him about it, he said its just lads talk he didnt mean it he wasnt gonna get all mushy with his mates but it was over by then, not because of what i read but because i looked at his phone and no amount of apologising i did ever made him change his mind. It was my loss cos i was actually crazy about him.

Seek and you shall find. My point is he was looking for a reason. He was looking for something and he found it. You have to ask yourself why he was looking to begin with and if hes trustworthy, that he shoudltn be sneaking through your stuff. I have learnt my lesson.

Lexus1976

silkoroad wrote: »

WEll.. my now ex- My bovf read my diary (it was badly hidden) and in it I had written first impressions of him from when we first met.. said some things that were hurtful to read but that I don't think anymore.. just observations and stuff I thought after one week of knowing him. There was good stuff there too obviously but he's just focussed on the bad. He has broken it off as he's so hurt by what he read and I don't see him coming back to me, it's only been a couple of days but he called me up to say he was breaking if off that he couldn;t be confident with me anymore etc. He said he can't come back from it.
Thing is I thought he was the one, I didn't envision losing him, espec for something so damn trivial. I feel bad that I hurt him and I'm not mad that he snooped around my room (he knew I had a diary somewhere)... but if he didn't do that it wouldn;t have happened.

Any thoughts people? I'm finding it really really hard to cope right now.

Exactly why diary's should not be kept..............

LegacyUser

Thanks so much folks... as lot of great advice, i appreciate it. I will definitely be tearing up pages with negative thoughts that i write down from now on (I'll still write when I really really have to as it's a great way to vent and get things out for me). But yes he did come back to me saying that he shouldn't have read it etc and I explained that of course my feelings have changed since then and what I wrote was based on very brief drunken first impressions and while we have work to do to mend us, I think it will be worth it.. it's worth a chance anyway.

Thanks so so much guys

coco06

His pride is damaged thats all.. he will be back. But you should defo not have to apologize, does it really matter what ye thought back then it would be worse if it was one of your last entries rather than one of your first!

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks so much folks... as lot of great advice, i appreciate it. I will definitely be tearing up pages with negative thoughts that i write down from now on (I'll still write when I really really have to as it's a great way to vent and get things out for me). But yes he did come back to me saying that he shouldn't have read it etc and I explained that of course my feelings have changed since then and what I wrote was based on very brief drunken first impressions and while we have work to do to mend us, I think it will be worth it.. it's worth a chance anyway.

Thanks so so much guys

Good to hear. There's no harm having the occaisional kick up the hole.