Separating from wife

leiwand

i'm married to a lady i love that has a chronic drinking problem .we have two beautiful girls 6 and 8. she is in complete denial even though she drinks like there's prohibition tomorrow. have put up with the drinking for years but now she directs abuse at me through the kids and loses her patience with them constantly when hungover.can't let this go on any more so with a very heavy heart have decided to separate. have told herself but am absolutely craping myself about how/what to say to my beautiful girls.am well aware how much pain(hopefully short term is the worst) this will cause them but want to be as honest as i can be with them.any resources i can access online that might advise me on what to say to themor has anyone experience of this horrible situation

much appreciated

b.

vincenzo1975

hopefully there is a support system for your wife, and that you have the ability to care for the kids outside of work commitments. Does she have family that will look after her and support her when you walk away with the kids? Have you looked for support yet for others?

This should only be a temporary measure until she can get herself back on track., will you then give her a second chance.

remember that all the years that you have let it slide by have been enabling her problem, so you do have a responsability here. If she is just let to rot, then your kids will have a very tough few years ahead of them.

IRISH RAIL

OP first off my condolences on the break down of your relationship

there are orginisations my nephew went to one I cant remember the name but it was run through his school.
maybe a courtesy call to the principal wouldnt do any harm it would let he/she know whats going on and she could keep a closer eye on them also she would have all these services details and would be helpful.

best of luck.

Beruthiel

bruno72 wrote: »

am absolutely craping myself about how/what to say to my beautiful girls.am well aware how much pain(hopefully short term is the worst) this will cause them but want to be as honest as i can be with them.any resources i can access online that might advise me on what to say to themor has anyone experience of this horrible situation.

Hi bruno,
I'm sorry it has come to this for you. I presume you tried every avenue with regards to your wife sorting her problem out? Has she no interest in doing so, even for the sake of her children?

It might be no harm you talking to a professional, emotional support at this time is vital.
Though your wife drinks, she is still the girls mother and they love her. Trying to explain your exact reasons might be difficult under those circumstances, you will have to tread carefully.
You must make sure to put a lot of time and effort into their care, more then ever, at this time they will need to know that you love them and this is not their fault.
Best of luck.

BCD

Are you going to seek custody of your children? I certainly wouldn't leave them in the care of this woman! I assume that she would then take out her frustration on the children? These girls should be first priority in your life now especially at the young age they are!

Trinity

Are you leaving your children behind?

I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip here but if she directs abuse towards them when you are there, are you not concerned how she will treat them when you are not around? And she has an added excuse for a few more vodka's now as she will drown her sorrows because her husband left her.

Its not enough here to walk away to make yourself happy, you must look after your children and their well being first. Its harsh but you must sit her down and tell her if she doesnt stop (whether or not you are there) that she is risking losing her children as you will not leave them in her care while she is drinking.

beth-lou

Hi Bruno,

So sorry to hear about your situation. It is horrible and unfortunately there isn't much that you can do to stop an alchoholic from drinking. But you can help your girls and yourself and hopefully your wife will help herself. While you may have enabled her, it is not your fault that she is an alcoholic.
Please get in touch with these guys, they are best equipped to give you solid advice and the support of other people who are going through the same thing.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/
Drink is very destructive in families, and speaking from experience, no amount of pleading will make a bit of difference until she realises that she has a problem herself. By leaving her, you are letting her know that you will no longer support her behaviour. One or two things though.

1. Explain to her calmly and clearly why you are leaving.
2. Do not leave your kids there with her. It will do more damage than you
can imagine, as I guarantee you that her drinking will get worse as a
result, and she will take it out on them. Is it possible to get her to move
out? If neccessary talk to the Gardai or a solicitor about having her
removed from the home.
3. Remember that while it is so very hard to do and it will break your heart, it
might just be what gets her to seek help. An addict has to hit rock
bottom before they will accept the extent of their problem.
4. Ring her friends and family and tell them the truth. They will be able to
help you.
5. Get in touch with Alanon, they are a support group for family and friends
of those affected by drinking. Even if she won't admit to her problem, they
will guide you on how best to deal with her and the situation at hand.
6. Give her information on getting help and tell her you love her and will
support her if she wants to get better, but you can't continue as things
are.

I really hope that she can recognise her problem. It is heartbreaking to watch someone self destruct, but you have to protect yourself and your kids. I'm not exactly sure how to tell your kids or what to tell them. You should seek professional help on that one too. I get the impression from your post that you were considering leaving the kids with her. I implore you not to do this. If you can't stand to be around her any more what makes you think that a child is emotionally equipped to deal with the problem? Please consider them, in your plan whatever it may be.

Best of luck and I hope it all works out. x

paperclip2

Sorry you are going through such a tough time OP.

This organisation might be helpful for your children in dealing with the seperation. http://www.rainbowsireland.com/Rainbows/rainbows.php
It really helped my friends children when her relationship broke down. I'd also reccommend al-anon for yourself.

smk135

Hi Bruno,

Just wanted to say good luck as I agree 100% that you should get in touch with AL Anon (for family and friends of alcoholics) as posted above.

Your wife does not necessarily need to be going to AA for you to turn up at a meeting, and Al Anon also have a special "al anon" group for kids - this may help.

Best of luck, stay strong and as positive as you can!

lushballs

Do not leave the children with her as it would be a child protection concern.
Tell the children the truth. They know anyway. As long as your talking about it they will recover from the changes/transitions that are coming. Explain that you can still continue to love someone but not love their behaviour. Explain that their mother has a disease ie alcohol addiction. Stress that it is not their fault. Encourage expression of feelings and help them to identify them. You can get books for children explaining 'when something terrrible happens in our family'. Repeatedly reassure them that you are going to take care of them and keep them safe. Treat yourselves to fun things. Mind yourself and use your supports. Attend Al/Anon to learn coping strategies and boundary keeping skills.
Good luck!

leiwand

hi guys,
many many thanks for your kind words and advice.

my wifes drinking has got progressively worse over the years and i was probably in denial my self about it.on any social occasion she was always the drunkest person in the room but now i always leave early to get up with the children.she generally arrives home around 4/5 in the morning.she has strict personal drinking rules which she follows ie will never drink on her own and never drinks during the day so many friends(coincidentally very heavy drinkers) think she doesn't have a problem. after a drinking related accident i finally realised she has a problem. i went to aa and subsequently al anon and the recommended i confront her .i did so about 6 months ago but our relationship has completely disintegrated. she refuses to talk about it and literally ignored me for months. she carries on as if nothing is wrong in front of our friends/family but the atmosphere at home is unbearable .the children witness the fighting and her anger is worst when hungover.what made me decide to separate was this weekend my eight year old witnessed a hungover temper tantrum by my wife and said it was her fault. i tried to talk to my wife today about telling our children together that we're separating but she says i'm the one leaving and i can do it on my own.

regarding my children.they are the most important thing in my life.i would love to get sole custody of them but i'm presuming ,as a father , i don't have a great chance.i have no doubt my wife loves our children but when hungover loses her patience with them constantly and sometimes smacks them which we agreed we wouldn't do. i have no idea how i would prove she has a drinking problem and am wary to go down that route as i fear her wrath and the consequences if my attempt is unsuccessful .she is so angry at me and insists that everything is in my head and i need to sort myself out.i am also wary of what message she gives the chilldren regarding our separation and how honest i can be when i tell them on my own.

respectfully,
b

barbiegirl

You must bring the kids with you. You cannot leave them behind. It would be unbearably cruel. Yes in most cases the father does not get custody of the kids, but in the situation you describe you have a far better chance. Perhaps to make her understand her issues you could tape her whilst drunk and also hungover the next day, let her listen back, if she truely loves the kids she will let them go with you until she gets her life back in a healthy place.
If you go without the kids, it may be hard to hear, but you will be abandoning them to an alcolholic mother. You will be running away because you cannot deal with the situation, but leaving them, two young children, to do so. Very selfish.You are their father, they are your responsibility, grow some balls and fight for them, or neither you nor they will ever forgive you.
Harsh but true. Sorry

beth-lou

Hi Bruno,

Ok I am talking to you as the child of an alchoholic and I am telling you, if you love your children, do not leave them with her. Ring a solicitor, social services, your GP, whoever it takes, but do not leave your children in her care. Whatever damage you may think the seperation will do, seperating and leaving them there to suffer her mood swings, temper tantrums and irrational behaviour will do far more, and the feeling of abandonment they will feel towards you when they get older, might be very hard to fix.

Alchoholics are very manipulative, and I'm guessing she's using your kids in her arsenal to get what she wants. Please seek legal advice. Would you leave your kids in the care of a drunk childminder, who is prone to shouting and hitting your kids? That is what you are doing here. How can you extract yourself from the situation because it is unbearable for you and leave them there to suffer emotional and physical abuse? They are only kids, and it is up to you as the responsible adult/parent to protect them from her, as she is not a functioning parent.

I'm sorry if it sounds as if I'm being hard on you here. My sympathies are with you completely. But they are also with your children. I know it is hard for a father to get sole custody for his kids, but in this situation you may have a better chance, at least I would hope so. What happens to your kids now could shape the rest of their lives, so thread carefully and get the best advice you can.

How can she look after kids if she is constantly hung over and coming in at all hours of the morning? Wouldn't you be worried for them? And she may not drink during the day at the moment, but she will, and then she'll drive with a few drinks in her, and then ...well, it's not a good situation for your kids. At least explore gaining custody. You're their father and they need a stable parent to support them through this. She is going to hit the bottle big time when you go. She still has a way to fall before she sorts herself out from what you have said. Do you really want your kids to have to live with that?

As I said I completely sympatise with you, I know where you are and what you're going through, but I also know that your kids need you to protect them, even though they don't know it, but they do.

all the best, x

Wagon

Here's what you have to do.

1: Get yourself a solicitor.
2: Tell your kids that you are leaving for a while and bring them. Tell them that their mother needs time to be by herself.
3: Tell your wife on no uncertain terms that you love her but will not stand for this treatment, neither at you or your children.
4: If she decided you are a bastard and says she will take you to court, you have a much better chance than her seeing as how your a responsable man and a good father and husband.

I really think that you leaving to protect your family is a damn good thing to do. I will definately say you HAVE to get good legal advice though. Her friends will not help her get better as they are all a load of boozers as well and seem to think she's fine. So they will likely blame everything on you. So get that legal advice mate. Hopefully though, it might not get to court and this will give her the kick up the hole she needs. I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

bruno72 wrote: »

i'm married to a lady i love that has a chronic drinking problem .we have two beautiful girls 6 and 8. she is in complete denial even though she drinks like there's prohibition tomorrow. have put up with the drinking for years but now she directs abuse at me through the kids and loses her patience with them constantly when hungover.can't let this go on any more so with a very heavy heart have decided to separate. have told herself but am absolutely craping myself about how/what to say to my beautiful girls.am well aware how much pain(hopefully short term is the worst) this will cause them but want to be as honest as i can be with them.any resources i can access online that might advise me on what to say to themor has anyone experience of this horrible situation
much appreciated b.

Hi bruno72, I've gone unreg'ed for this as I want to speak honestly. Your story has so many similarities to that of my sisters. She is an alcoholic and she has two young children and I wonder how her husband can tolerate it.

Once a while back, when things were very bad between them, I spoke to him about what would happen if he left her. I told him that I'd hope he would take the kids with him for their sake. I told him that I would fully support him even if that meant turning my back on my sister but the children were the priority in that situation..

There are times when I wonder what damage is being caused to the children by my sister's alcoholism. Like you, I'd suspect that a false face is put on for family but I'm sure there has to be fighting among them and the children sense this. I am sometimes tormented with fears that they will turn around to me in their 20's and ask why we never intervened. I don't know what I'll say to them if they ever ask me that question.

My advice is to protect your two children. Be honest with them and explain why you are taking them away from their mammy. Children will understand and respect your honesty.

Take legal advice on how to take the children with you in the separation but please don't leave them behind. I saw the carnage once when my sister kept her children in a temporary separation and it still haunts me. My sister may love her children but she is an alcoholic so she can never love them more than alcohol.

I don't know how you can legally go about getting custody of your children but I hope you do and no matter what pain it costs them in the short term I think they will thank you when they are older. Children are intuitive and they know a lot more than we give them credit for so I'm sure they will have some fundamental understanding of why you are taking them away from their mother even if they can't see it at the time.

LegacyUser

I can totally understand you when you describe how your wife has surrounded herself with people who support her drinking.

I seperated from my husband because i couldint cope with what i seen as alcoholism. Today, he still believes he is not an alcoholic. Needless to say, he also surrounded himself with similar people. People who said it was ok to drink as much and as often regardelss of consaquence.

I tell myself i did it for the kids. Im not sure if thats true. I was tired of coming a poor second to a pint and the craic with the lads. I was tired of lying awake wondering was he actually going to come home tonight. I was tired of the God awful smell of stale beer wafting up the hallway from the spare room, the arguments, the tension, the money spent. It wasint until i finally started worrying is he going to get agressive tonight that i said "i'm done".

If you go, (and it might take you going for her to get help..but dont count on it) do you think she will be able to look after the kids alone? Is her drinking going to escolate? Who will mind the kids at night to facilitate her drinking?

I automatically got the kids. I don't know how it works for Dads, but ive a pretty good idea that you will have to prove her an unfit mother to get custody. Even if she is a heavy drinker that's going to mean a judge saying "Mrs youre not fit to look after these kids" so you have a burden of proof i imagine.

I offered to pay for my ex to go into rehab, but, they need to admit the problem before they can get help. We tried the "only drinking 2 nights a week" but he just resented me for not "letting" him go out. I felt like his mother more than his wife.

I'm saying, Dads have it tough when it comes to seperation, especially, if there's an issue with the mother that puts the childrens safety at risk. As other posters have said .... seek legal advice.

It's not going to be easy, best of luck to you and your family

leiwand

right ,firstly thanks for all the love and support

i never thought i would be sharing the biggest challenge of my life over the internet.whoever created boards.ie i salute you from the bottom of my heart.

i've considering deeply what a lot of posters have said about leaving the kids behind and having been to al anon this evening and hearing similar stories i've decided i'm not leaving them behind.so for the moment i'm staying put and seeking professional advice

respectfully,
b.

Beruthiel

bruno72 wrote: »

i've considering deeply what a lot of posters have said about leaving the kids behind and having been to al anon this evening and hearing similar stories i've decided i'm not leaving them behind.so for the moment i'm staying put and seeking professional advice

I'm delighted to hear it. You must do whatever it takes to make sure those little girls get the best possible chance of having a normal life.
Go to all the people suggested for advice on what you can do.
Perhaps keeping a diary of her drinking habits and the impact that has would be useful at some point down the line.
Stay strong.

whitelightrider

I once heard a saying - any man can be a parent, but it takes a real man to be a father. By staying in that situation because of your children indeed proves that point Bruno. The very, very best of luck to yourself and your children. I take my hat off to you.