Should I go?

LegacyUser

Sorry all, its a long one.

I’m Canadian but have lived in Ireland for over twenty years. About 4 years ago, my family- Mum, Dad, brother, sister, dog, cat- all returned to Canada and are now happily settled. Frequent visits there over the last few years have really opened my eyes to what a wonderful country it is. Opportunities for professionals abound; a wonderful standard of living; fun weather with distinct seasons in that the summers are sunny and hot and the winters are sunny and snowy; safe, friendly communities with neighbours who will actually help you out if you're in trouble. People smile, and say "please" and "thank you".

Here's the problem: a few months after the folks left, I met a guy, a lovely Irish fella who I'm now engaged to this last year and a bit. I must add: very loosely engaged. We have no plans for an actual wedding, no dates, no bookings, no money saved etc. Commitment issues? Yep, and now I think I know why. For the last couple of years, we've talked on and off about going to Canada, just for a year or so to try it out. We’ve sussed out cost of living from the salaries we could expect to the cost of rented accommodation to the basics like food bills, gas, electricity, tv and broadband. We could in fact earn more and save a lot more in the year than we could here. Its not just conjecture either- my early research into the jobs market for my own skills resulted in a job offer. All in all, it seems like a nice place to at the very least try out and he was into the idea. If it worked out and we both loved it, great! We'd stay on and settle ourselves, buy a house etc. If he was unhappy, we'd come back to Ireland and I'd come to, grateful that he tried it for me and gave it his best shot.

When it came to actually doing anything about it, nothing happened. There’s paperwork that needs doing, but its all fairly straightforward as I'd be sponsoring him as my partner. When I try to get anything done or discuss with him, his resolve about his decision wavers. It's now come to crunch time- he doesn’t want to go and I'm now the worst in the world for apparently pushing him into something he doesn’t want, making him leave behind all he knows. This means his surroundings. He’s not concerned about leaving his family behind- he doesn’t get on with them and he doesn’t have a lot of friends. He’s been to Canada with me four times in the past and loves it there.

I’m really confused, not to mention frustrated. I was so looking forward to getting the chance to become close to my family again. My brother and sister are a bit younger than me and we weren't close- I thought that would all change as we became adults, but just as they got to that stage, they left with the folks. I was looking forward to continuing my career over there as well. The experience I would gain would be invaluable. Obviously with all this up in the air, houses can't be bought and weddings can't be planned.

So that's the problem and now here's the really tricky part: I'm in a situation I don't feel I can win. If I don't go and stay here, I'll need to do my utmost to convince him that I'm happy with the decision and never mention Canada again. I'll never be able to say that I miss my family, I'll never be able to feel sad whenever a family event rolls around, someone's birthday or whatever because it would only pile the guilt on him for keeping me here. House will eventually be bought and wedding can take place. Could I settle into life here with no regrets? Is that fair to me? If I go to Canada myself, can our relationship survive? Would he follow me? Or have all his platitudes about how he "can't do without me" been rubbish? And if it doesn't work out, would I regret the loss of him more than the loss of my dream had I just stayed put in Ireland? Would I be able to take comfort in the idea that, well, if he didn't follow me, he didn't love me enough? Meanwhile, he'll be saying, I didn't love him enough to stay... Would he be right?

So now he's pretty certain that I'll go and he's certain he won't. I haven't decided one way or another but definitely leaning towards going. He's indicated that if I go for the year, he can't guarantee he'll be waiting if/when I come back. Kind of says it all, doesn't it? True love. What does this mean for the relationship between now and the time I might go? Which is around a year down the line. Its a bit of a farce, isn't it? Should I just bail out now, cut my losses, let time heal the wound then plan my trip?

I'm sorry to say I do have another concern and it's not exactly towing the feminist line: I'm 33 this week and who's to say I'd ever meet anyone else? And if I wanted a family of my own? Not saying I do right now, but I figured I'd decide by the time I hit 35. If I bail out now, maybe that will be it for me. I blew my last chance. Maybe this is the best I can hope for and I'm being naieve to think I can have more?

Anyway, its good to see all that there in black and white. Thanks for letting me get it out there!

Best wishes.

vincenzo1975

Sounds like he has already accepted the possability of losing you, and instead of fighting for you, he is trying to make you feel guilty about it to the degree you give in. Has he expressed his love for you and told you the worst thing that would happen to him is you leaving?

If he has made this up in his mind already, then I think you should move on to Canada and follow your dream.

If he is the one, he will either follow you out when you are gone or you will know when you are out there that you need to come back, but I doubt if either one of these will happen.

LegacyUser

I don't doubt his love for me. I think it's a gripping fear of change that keeps him here, even if the move were only temporary. If I force him into a corner by saying something like, "I'm going and if you loved me, you'd come", then I'm the worst blackmailing bitch in the world. Because of all this uncertainty of where we're meant to be, I'm turning 33 tomorrow with nothing to show for it in this world. No property, no husband, no family... I'm with this man who supposedly loves me but this day, this morning, I've never felt so alone in my whole life. I curse every day the fact that I'm Canadian and that my family left. If only for that, it never would have crossed my mind to try out somewhere else. In pretty much every other respect, we have a good relationship.

When we first got engaged, we planned an intimate Caribbean wedding- deposit was down and everything. After some time we decided it was important to him that his family were there on the day, and if we had it in Barbados, his mother wouldn't be able to be there. So we cancelled, checking out a local hotel and church as an alternative. Once we realised the expense, we never did anything more about it. We talked about opening up a credit union account to throw in some cash every month, but it didn't happen. It's a bit strange, 'cos he has a lot of money saved, and a small weddidng would barely eat into it. I'm not saying that he pay for the whole thing, but a chunk up front maybe 5-7k, along with the same from me would have seen it sorted but it was never suggested. He's funny about his savings. Funny about money in general. When I think about it, I wonder if his only motive for asking me to marry him was a ploy to keep me here? It would have worked better if something had happened or actually planned. Same if we had got around to buying a house. I would have accepted that this is my life and I would have been eager to get on with it, visting my family a couple of times a year as I do now. Now its dragged on so long with no action, no signs of real commitment and with all this talk of Canada hanging over him, I've shot myself in the foot.

I have a wedding dress. It was bought in Canada and is still over there, has been for the last year. I had a look at it at Easter for the first time (was bought from photos, then parents picked it up in a Toronto bridal store). I couldn't bring myself to try it on. Instead, I just looked at it lying on the bed, touched the silk and cried. I knew instinctively then, by the path we were both going down, that I'd never get the chance to wear it.

All of this misery for the sake of one year in another country. A country that is wondeful in pretty much every respect. I mean, its not outer Mongolia or Siberia or somewhere. When I think of how easily the kids these days up and go to Australia or New Zealand. Not a bother on them. We never had the chance to do anything like that ourselves. Is it so wrong to want a small adventure in one's life? Something to look back on? But is it right to potentially sacrifice someone elses happiness to get it?

Maybe what we should do is spend some time apart. Continue with our lives here in Ireland for a period of time, see if we can figure out what we want, what's important. As much as that would hurt, I can't see any other way out.

Grawns

It's funny my husband was just mentioning to me yesterday that if everything went to crap here, we could move to UK where he grew up. My immediate reaction was horror as I would hate to leave my family and I think I've made that fairly clear to him from day one. We have made a permanent commitment to each other though so who knows what the furture will bring but we will decide it together.

This guy hasn't committed to you, he's got one foot out the door and a bucket load of excuses. I think you should go for the year anyway and he can join you or not. If your relationship is meant to be it can survive a year apart. You'll always regret it and resent him if you don't go.

Magic Pips

It sounds to me like you want to go to canada. Just be sure you're not settling for this guy because of the "i might not meet anyone else..." factor!

Dwn Wth Vwls

It sounds like the only thing he's committed to is sticking his head in the sand and hoping nothing will change. If you want to marry someone you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with them, yet he's indicating that as soon as you leave he'll just go find someone else instead. I think you should go to Canada and see what happens. He'll either cop on or you'll be better off.

jessbeth

I would go to Canada. I think maybe one of the reasons that is keeping you here is that you're thinking that you won't find another partner because of your age. That's a bit all or nothing. People are finding people at all ages nowadays especially with the internet etc. There are serious dating sites on the net I presume. I think that if you don't go you will end up regretting it and maybe bitter about it at some stage. Go and if he truly loves you with all his heart he will follow and if he doesn't then count yourself lucky enough to not have married someone who claims to love you but won't even try a little change even though he knows it's dear to your heart. Personally I would never stay with someone with this 'my way or the highway' attitude. You've said to him that it's a trial and that if you're both not happy then you can come back so I mean he should be willing to at least give it a try if he loves you. Anyway that's just my opinion.

Beruthiel

Being 33 is not a reason to stay with someone.
The fact that he is not willing to give it a go for a year is telling. I mean he's with you, there are no ties and now is a great time to try something new before settling down.

This is going to be always in your head if you don't go.

Peewee_lane

Sounds like a type of Irish guy alot of us would know. I dont know why some Irish people are so afraid of leaving their comfort zones, Canada is so amazing, why wouldnt he want to live there before you guys really settle down.

I think you should sit down and talk it out. You're going home anyway, whether he is with you or not I can't tell.

Whatever happened to believing that things play out for a reason? Follow your heart, you'll only regret waiting around till your 34 on some man.

JB1

I was 36 when I left my ex.Met the nicest man about 2 1/2 years later, still going out with him.

You have to do what's right for YOU, not for anyone else.If you're not happy by yourself, you can't be hapy with someone else either. I would leave.
Life is good, take the chance and see where it get's you.

Good luck!

The Corinthian

I think the issue is that he is facing the dreaded Point of No Return.

So far, were the two of you to break up, I suspect the collateral damage would be minimal. My guess is you have few if any joint assets of any significance, keep separate finances and the only material thing holding you together is a joint lease on an apartment at most. This means that he always has the option to back out of the relationship at the last minute.

Why do guys do this? Because there is frankly no advantage to us committing. It ties us down and invariably makes us financially liable for one or more mouths to feed in the longer run. After all, if you get the milk for free, why buy the cow?

Problem is that eventually that last minute, the moment where he must make some form of commitment that would be very difficult to extricate himself from, does eventually arrive and he then has to decide whether he truly commits or not. Guys do this all the time; we put off wedding dates, or when to start trying for a family, or whatever. This is the Point of No Return.

Then this day comes and we have to shìt or get off the pot, we either decide that we are happy to commit or not. Of course, if not, the woman at the receiving end will have wasted a few precious years of her fertile life - we can still find a nice twenty-something with an Electra complex and start a family when we're 45.

So my advice is to get him to decide; shìt or get off the pot? And if he can't ultimately commit and has no genuine and compelling reason for not doing so, then it's time for you to kick him off that pot - and let him know this is what it will inevitably mean when you confront him.

SpookyDoll

He's indicated that if I go for the year, he can't guarantee he'll be waiting if/when I come back. Kind of says it all, doesn't it?

It does a bit.

Also, he "played along" with the plans merrily wasting your precious time with his pretence. On top of that tried to paint you as the baddie when you tried to then hold him to the actual agreed plans.

Someone like this has a selfish streak, if in these matters which are significant, imagine more significant ones, marriage, babies etc...
Could you rely on him, would he say one thing but do the other?

Also, your age. 33, you have plenty of time. But you dont have plenty of time to waste on someone who is not 100% committed to you. He knew the plans also all along and agreed but when it came to the crunch he reneged. I would not trust this man going forward.

At 33 its all the more reason to look at him and decide if you can risk your precious years on him....if not you need to move on. Dont fiddle while Rome burns as they say. He has shown a side to him which rightly has suprised and disappointed you.

By the way you write its obvious you are a clever and considerate girl.

I dont think this fella is an equal match for you.

I felt sad when you talked about you never wearing your dress, you might never wear it for HIM, but you still might wear it someday.

Best of luck whatever you decide!

Cazlou

The feeling I got when I read your post was - You're dying to go! and the only thing giving you doubts about going is your OH. Who, to me, appears to be making things awkward purposely so you'll be the one to make the decision so that he can't be blamed.
I agree with the others that said you'll regret it if you don't go! I had the opportunity to make my dream trip last year, a family member screwed it up for me, and if I'm honest. It's something I still can't forgive her for. I think if you stay because of your OH, you'll feel the same, and you'll end up resenting him for it whether you mean to or not.
Remember, if going means the end of your relationship, then it wasn't meant to be. There's plenty other guys out there. As much as I love the notion of soulmates, there isn't just one person for each person. You never know who's going to cross your path, and if staying here for a relationship that you're not even sure is all that committed, you won't be happy.
Have a good talk with him, just to cover all bases, it could turn out that he had a 'wobbly moment' and if not, then you know where you stand.

Best of luck OP

coco06

I was faced with a similar situation, i was seeing a girl for approx 6 years and chance to go away for a year came up. She basically gave me an ultimatum and would not even listen to compromises that i suggested (e.g. id just go for 3 months).. anyway the fact that she made me choose like this was very hard to take. i went and although i had the time of my life i regret it had to come at a cost.. i still think this 4 years later.

to think you will never meet anyone else just coz your in your 30's though is wrong.. you could meet someone and within 2 years be living together happy as ever.. its not an easy choice but you have to do whats right for you at the time..

Millie

I concur with what has already been said here.
If you stay I think you will feel bitter towards him eventually.
I'm sure it's not an easy time & not being emotionally connected to this story and looking at it from an outsiders eyes....I would advise you to go.

If he wants to be with you then nothing will stop him not even the Atlantic ocean

tatt chic

i have to agree with what has been said, if he isn't closet o his family then why were wedding plans changed to include his family?

The Corinthian

Millie wrote: »

If he wants to be with you then nothing will stop him not even the Atlantic ocean

Not true. Everything has it's limits, even love or affection. We all make compromises and sacrifices for our relationships, but they're not without limits. Otherwise you might as well say to her that if she truly wants to stay with him she should stay in Ireland.

The issue is not whether nothing will stop him, but that it is too easy to stop him.

Gyalist

OP, I seem to remember you posting about this situation more than a year ago and I'm surprised that you've allowed it to go on like this. If I were in your situation I'd go and let the chips fall where they may. This guy seems content to just let your relationship meander on when what is needed is a firm decision.