Canceled the Wedding

LegacyUser

Had a argument with the missus yesterday, got kind of heated with both of us fairly mad and raising our voices. I wanted to stop talking for 20 mins to let the dust settle and so maybe we both calm down a bit. She wouldnt leave it go, kept coming into the room with a jibe here and there, i tried to ignore it but couldnt and followed her out to the other room to have it out. Cue both of us shouting at each other, me following her as she moved from room to room. Eventually I blocked the door so she would look me in the eyes to talk to me. She grabed the plastic box she was holding and threw it at the wall the far side of the room in anger and tried to bust past me, I snaped and pushed her back off me onto the bed, she hurt her leg in the process off the wooden frame of the bed.

I was totally shocked at both of us, but especially me, Im not an angry person and never done anything like that before. I feel we are not compatible now and dont know what to do.

To add to this we were supposed to be getting married, v small wedding in a few months, after a couple hours of being shocked at myself I told her I couldnt get married until this gets sorted out.

Dont know what to do and worried I have done more harm to us than good by calling off the wedding.

Nevyn

I would suggest that you get yourselves in to couples couselling, as the way you are currently not communicating seems to have become toxic.

Trinity

I'm not placing blame but you said you knew the best way was to let the dust settle and she wouldnt leave it. Yet when she did you continued to follow her from room to room and then would not let her leave the room. Why didnt you stick to the original plan to taking a time out?

Its easy say i understand but 2 wrongs dont make a right. If you corner someone they will get defensive its human nature. I have been in this position believe me and its not easy to walk away however it is the sensible (but hard!) thing to do.

I dont think you should cancel the wedding however you should seek advice and guidance from a counsellor or do a pre wedding course.

Sit down and talk to your partner about the row, it was probably over something silly anyway and discuss the best way to handle these situations when they arise, because they do arise in relationships and not everyone is as cool as a cucumber or does the right thing all of the time.

I am sure you are aware of this already but she could have knocked her head or something. These things can lead to terrible accidents. She didnt throw the item at you so why did you shove her when she tried to get past?

Do you want to marry her? Or were you having doubts before this incident?

LegacyUser

Even if you never acted like this before, you trapped her in a room and pushed her. Maybe you have some hidden anger issues you should work on. (That goes for the both of you) If you're not an angry person maybe you need to get a little bit angry from time to time.

I'm not having a go at you here, I don't know you I can only go on what you've written.

Now back to calling off the wedding -
My husband did this to me and it's very hard to get over, we had a blazing row (no violence but like you I wanted him to leave it so we could calm down but he wouldn't leave it be), both acted out of character and he panicked and said he couldn't marry me etc.
Within two days he was telling me he was sorry and he said that in anger and he didn't mean it but it runied everything for me.
I felt because it was only two months to our wedding I had to just bury it all, paint on a smile and get on with it. I lost enthusiasm and was a nervous wreck right up to the day. Like if I didn't do the washing up, would he call off the wedding ...I know that sounds silly...I'm still very sore about it and although we are happy now I still have a lot of anger and upset and no where to direct it to.
I've forgiven him, we never mention it, ever. When I look at him I don't see the person who did that to me but when I look at my photos and I think back on what should have been a happy time I just feel really sad and sick. I think it is pretty much the worst thing you can say to someone in an arguement BUT if that is how you really really feel then maybe it was for the best.
I don't know if any of this will help you but I guess you need to figure out firstly how you really feel about the relationship and then establish how she really feels about it.
Time is a great healer but it's very hard to take your time with your feelings when there's a wedding around the corner and things need to be booked/arranged etc, no matter how small the wedding is.
There is a chance she'll just go along with it because it's easier than calling it off.
Also be aware that she might not want to marry you either now as I think if my husband had done what you did I would have left him.
I would definitely second couples counselling.

Oh and some advice, the next time you're having a row with someone and you want to cool off, go for a walk/drive/cycle and turn your phone off (if possible ...obviously if it's 3 in the morning it's not that practical)
Good luck.

LegacyUser

You're right, I did agree that we would leave it 20 mins but i couldn't help it, I guess, when she kept coming into the room and having a go at me (twice I said that we needed to stop for 20 mins, the other times I just kept silent) I felt it wasnt going to stop until she roared her lungs off. I guess I should have left the house or something and cornering her was definitely not going to improve the situation. To be honest the row always starts over something small and ends up being about how we are arguing etc (It was about moving a shelving unit)

Of course I know that shoving her onto the bed was absolutely wrong and could of caused an accident, and I was completely shocked at my own actions, that is why I said we have to cancel the wedding.

I feel i am at my wits end as we have sat down many times before and agreed that we would stop arguing for a set time to let the dust settle and then try to calmly listen to each other without interrupting but she completely ignores this when shes angry.

The wedding is a difficult one, it was to be secret as we cant afford a big one, I love her very much and want to marry her, just not in a ****ty registry office with no family or friends there and definitely not when we cant communicate properly and end up roaring at each other.

Apart from counseling which I think we should do, how to I repair the damage I have caused by telling her I dont want to get married right now?
We dont have a lot of cash, where can we get counseling without costing an arm and a leg?

seahorse

Unregistered wrote: »

Dont know what to do and worried I have done more harm to us than good by calling off the wedding.

I think it's fair to say you most likely have. Personally, if my fiancee did that, he wouldnt get the chance to do a 180 on it again; there would be no wedding.

You should take the earlier advice regarding couples counselling. It's really the only way forward that I could imagine. You both behaved like eejits, but physically assaulting her and then calling off the wedding??? You'd be doing well if she agreed to go to counselling with you, IMO.

Dizzyblonde

I actually think you did the right thing in cancelling the wedding for the moment. You'd be crazy to go ahead with it considering the problems you're having.
Go for counselling and hopefully you'll both go into marriage happier and less stressed.
Keeping the wedding a secret must have added to your stress, and if you weren't having any family at it then it might have felt wrong. You can have a short ceremony in a church if that's what you prefer (you don't have to have a full mass) and go for a nice meal with both sets of parents, or brother and sisters too if you can afford it. That might make it a happier and less stressful occasion.

meditraitor

I think you need to address the reason behind the argument. Are they common? Dont worry about the wedding, sort out your relationship or move on.

Trinity

The row was over a shelving unit?

Are you sure you are not having reservations over the wedding. And not just the type of wedding but the wedding itself? If its not the wedding you want why are you not waiting until you save a bit more? Are you being pressured? Are you sure she is the one? Is she sure you are the one?

It sounds to me like there are some underlying issues here.

I had similar rows with my OH, at the times of the rows, the engagement ring was taken off, he was thrown out or left himself, numerous times in fact and I swore if we didnt resolve it, it would have to end completely as i cannot have my children witnessing that ****e. And having no relationship was better than having a volatile one. We are both very stubborn people, hot headed people and both have to have the last word but i once heard pride and stubborness have no place in a relationship. Someone or something has to give.

We didnt go to counselling but it turns out we certainly had built up quite a bit of resentment for each other about the little things and some big things too, that only came out when we got down to talking. Not skimming over the row but actually talking.

Sit down and have a good old fashioned heart to heart. Hear each other out and dont wait until a row breaks out before communicating with each other because no one hears whats being said when the other is shouting. And the things we say in anger cannot be taken back, not completely.

beth-lou

It sounds as though you both need to learn how to communicate. I think counselling will give you a chance to get to the root of your problems. If you have been arguing a lot lately maybe there are underlying issues. And it sounds as though you wanted a slightly more traditional wedding. Has this caused some resentment on your part?

She shouldn't be shouting and keep coming back with jibes, but equally you should have walked and cooled down. Easier said than done I know. the pushing her and her throwing stuff is two people ot of control and i agree, until you sort out these issues, post poning the wedding is actually the most sensible thing to do. I can understand you blurting it out. People say a lot of things in anger that they don't mean. But I do think that it may be indicative of doubts you maybe having and it is going to make her feel quite insecure. Also, is she still open to getting married to you after your arguement escalated to such a level?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and help.
I will try to get us to see someone with ACCORD.

It is clear we have some major communication issues. I know that I love her and want to marry her (and I certainly don't resent her, she has made me so happy) but I really feel a wedding without friends and family its kinda ****ty and being the oldest in my family I would be stealing something from my parents. I think this communication thing needs to be fixed before we commit our lives to each other but in a way I have committed that and taken it away now. I really hope this hasn't ruined everything for her.

Marksie

Unregistered wrote: »

but I really feel a wedding without friends and family its kinda ****ty and being the oldest in my family I would be stealing something from my parents. .

Leaving obvious communication issues out of it..for which you are taking steps.

Is this is whats behind it OP. Was there resentment building up, even subconsciuosly, which in the midst of an argument you actually blurted (or took an opportunity) to say what you really felt about a small wedding?


You keep coming back to it you see.
But i hope you haven't destroyed your hopes.
But rather than look just at communication issues..look at everything, and what is motivating you to argue.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I really feel a wedding without friends and family its kinda ****ty and being the oldest in my family I would be stealing something from my parents.

As Mark suggested, has this been in the back of your mind without you realising how much it's bothered you?
You can still have a dead cheap wedding and have your parents and siblings there.
One of the best weddings I was ever at was a reg. office followed by all afternoon in a restaurant and then the pub. Dead relaxed with just 12 people having fun.

Talk to your g/f, discuss what happened, go see a professional together and take it from there.

LegacyUser

While I think anything is possible re subconscious resentment etc. I really feel in this case it wasnt the reason we were fighting, just major mis-communication jumble, anger and not listening.

I went for a walk twice after the fight was over and the house was calm. It was after this I went back and said under the circumstances of the situation I dont think we should get married right now. This was taken to mean that I dont want to get married at all and i dont love her and I am only waiting for a chance to break up and leave. This is not the case and again caused me to keep repeating myself again and again leading to more frustration in both of us.

It's not possible to have a small cheap wedding with family as her parents live the other side of the world so it would mean going somewhere outside of Ireland halfway perhaps and asking people to travel halfway around the world would make me want to try to pay for at least accommodation if not travel. So having my parents and friends only, would be unfair etc

Marksie

Unregistered wrote: »

It's not possible to have a small cheap wedding with family as her parents live the other side of the world so it would mean going somewhere outside of Ireland halfway perhaps and asking people to travel halfway around the world would make me want to try to pay for at least accommodation if not travel. So having my parents and friends only, would be unfair etc

Compromise.

I have a friend whose sister got married ni barbados. The newl;eyweds are coing back to ireland to have the second "irish wedding" and a shindig.

A little off topic i know given whats happened.