sorry for rambling...

smurfette2212

hello there everyone - apologies if this is in the wrong place...I've had a look and it seems ok, but if I'm wrong I do apologise... Ok so, first off, I am neither a birth parent, or someone who was adopted. My parents had a daughter together in their teens, who was subsequently adopted... I found out about this in my late teens, and was so upset... not because of her, but because I just felt lied to and so shocked. That may sound selfish, compared to what my parents and the girl feel or may have felt, but I really just want to be honest!! As the one of four children (the rest boys), I had always wanted a sister before each of them was born...obviously now I wouldn't change them for the world, as we are all very close but on hearing about this girl I just felt so confused. Following a period of "if she ever gets in contact I don't want to meet her" (childish really, though I was scared, for some reason), now that has changed. I'm getting married soon, and it just kills me that she isn't here now. Granted, I've never met her and I may never, and even if we did meet, that's no guarantee that we'd get on or anything, but still, it just breaks my heart that she isn't around... Is that really strange?? I don't know her, or anything about her really, bar her age and birth name... and that in hindsight, I think that she may be at the root of an exceedingly strained mother-daughter relationship during my teens... but that's of course nothing to do with her really, more my mother, not that I blame her. I'm sorry that this is rambling and nonsensical, but I really needed to say something, and I was hoping maybe some people in a similar situation might be able to offer some advice!!
Sorry for waffling!!

trixy

Hi smurfette2212

I am an adopted person and have been looking for my birth mother for the last 4 years with no luck.

From my point of view and most people who are adopted and searching, we are very aware that its a whole family who will change and not just the mothers. We do also know that many birth mothers haven't told their children or husbands about any child they had and in the past and its a very sensitive situation for everyone.
Personally speaking, I was brought up with 4 brothers and always wished I had a sister so you never know your sister may feel the same.

You have to remember how she feels, adopted people have always had some guilt on their shoulders about what has happened but at the end of the day its not our faults or even the birth mothers faults what happened. Its just the way society was at the time.

If you do meet up, you may not get one but thats like every relationship or new people you meet. Then again you may become very good friends. Just remember your sister already has a family and doesn't probably want or need another one but maybe knowing about her past is all she really needs.

Good luck

martinf

Hi smurfette2212

You do have a couple of options in relation to your older sister. As a birth relative you can put your name down on the National Contact Register and see if anything turns up there. You could also have a chat with your mother and see what information she might be able to give you about the agency she went through. To be honest I'm not sure about how open the agencies are to helping reunite siblings but I'm almost 100% positive that they will require your mother's consent before making any attempt to put the two of you in contact (as your name would certainly be an identifying piece of information). I'm not sure how good your relationship is with your mother now or hiw she will react to any attempt to get in contact with the child she gave up for adoption. If you felt that this were not a possible route you could attempt to search yourself but it would certainly be more challenging but quite possible all the more satisfying if things were to work out.

The best advice I could give if you were to instigate a search is to think beforehand of how you would feel under various scenarios - your mother reacts negatively to the search, she's agreeable but you don't manage to trace your sister, you meet up and get on splendidly. If you have at least considered all the options you can think of you'll be better prepared to deal with any outcome.

Best of luck in your search.

Martin

smurfette2212

Thanks to both of you for your really helpful comments... I may have been a bit misleading, as I hadn't really planned actually looking for her, as I think that that would open a huge can of worms, as very few people actually know the story... Plus, I can completely understand that she may not want to make contact, which I think is her decision... I'm not even sure now why I made the initial post, as I can't really get to the bottom of what I wanted to say or do!!

trixy

Hi Smurfette
I wouldn't worry about opening a can of worms but speaking from experience and many people I know in my position, I think you should speak to your Mother as its seems this was your first step.
Its very understandable how you feel as it is HUGE but at the end of the day if you meet your sister in maybe 20/30 years you will be full of regret you didn't do it beforehand.

You can put yourself on the contact register as a relative in case there is a match but you would need to put some info that you know about her in order for them to make a match.

I know you may not want to speak to your Mother about it but she may be relieved after all these years to speak to you.

There are no easy answers to this but what I would say is, do what your really feel is right as it will always be in the back of your mind.

Hope all works out

The_Conductor

Hi Smurfette-

I agree with Trixy, you do really need to sit down and talk to your mother. It will be a good way of liberating your own feelings- but it will also give your mother the opportunity to discuss things with you that she most likely has been avoiding forever (of course, if she doesn't want to discuss things, its a different matter).

It can be difficult, particularly for people who discover they have an older sister or brother they were never aware of. I'm coming at things from the opposite direction myself, but am only too aware of some of the issues that may manifest themselves.

Concerning putting your name on the National Contact Register- I'd try not to be too disappointed if you don't get a match. It doesn't mean your older sister isn't interested in searching- she most likely is totally unaware of the existence of a younger sister, and probably hasn't thought about things. She could potentially be very receptive, but thats for the future- not now.

Best of luck regardless of what you decide to do,

S.