Can't get girls AT ALL

LegacyUser

Hey all,
This might be a strange one or something most people will think is stupid but...

I can't get a girlfriend and I seem to be socially awkward. It's really getting me down.

I' a decent guy I think anyway, I'm 24, I've got a good job now, good money, lots of interests and hobbies of my own. I play sports, I'm not Brad Pitt, not even close but I don't think I'm totally hideous and i try to go to the gym. What I mean is, things are going good enough in those respects.

The one thing I can't get together is a girlfriend.
I've had 2 girls in my life. The first I was about 20, It was a horrible experience and even after we broke up she cuased lots of trouble for me up to 2 years after, I lost losts of friends due to her, became very depressed and it was impossible for me to meet another girl with her on th scene everywhere.

Finally I somehow met another girl through a friend. It was brilliant but it ended as that friend also stopped talking to me and urged her to end things with me so she cheated. She said first it was because she couldn't just breakup with me in person and mean it so she did that so we couldn't be together. A week or two later though she let loose on me telling me what a horrible human being I am and how no person on earth would want to be even friends with me as I am so aweful and make everyone around me feel horrible.
Needless to say, girl I was crazy about was gone, so were all my friends, had to spend all my time alone with nothing to do, nowhere to go, got myself into a REALLY bad state of depression.

I pulled through it and got life back on track over the last year but I have zero confidence in myself. I'm socially awkward. When I go out now I try my best to be friendy but conversation is aweful. Its just pleasantries until they person gets bored cos I don;'t know what to say and can't think of anything and don't want to say wrong things to make them hate me like everyone else.

Some people just seem to bounce from relationship to relationship with lovely girls all the time. I've had one lovely girl in my life but it's ruined my confidence and my ability to meet people.

I just don't know what to do or how to meet people. How do people do it? I was in a very very rare situation last night where I was out with friends and met this one girl who was nice and I got the vibe she kkinda liked me but it went nowhere since I just didn't know how to go over and entertain her for any length of time. I don't know what to do and say. It's very frustrating.

I am so so so ashamed to admit I learned of some of these "PUA" guys in the town I live. They are like guys who discuss ideas on how to be more social and meet people and like going out with the specific aim of meeting and talking to lots of people and getting better with girls. It sounded good and at a low point I even agreed to meet up with them one Saturday night but to be honest they were so weird it was horrible. They weren't acting normally, going to the pub was like a "mission" and every word was contrived, it was freaky. I don't wanna be like that, I just want to be normal but learn to bemore talkative, learn what to say and just be cool so girls would like me.

My life is going well in ever other area now, I just don't want to do everything alone anymore, I did it for so long and I feel very very uindesirable as a human being.

It can't be all that hard. How do people meet people?

St Bill

You sound like you're having a bad time of it. First of all, if your friends stopped talking to you because of some girls, well then they're not worth the time of day. Second of all, the two girls you dated sound like they're nutcases. So you're probably better off being single at the moment if you're attracting those sort of people.
You've had your confidence knocked and so think that you're not worth talking to. Be fair to yourelf, give yourself time to build up your confidence, take pride in your hobbies/sport. Don't be thinking 'How do I get/talk to a girl?' because you're putting yourself under needless pressure. You're 24, life is just starting. Take what you want from it, you decide what you need and have to do. Your life mightn't be on the same page as the people around you just yet, so what? There's no rush.
About the conversation bit, well some people are just naturally gifted with the gift of the gab. Other people have to work at it. Just approach each girl thinking 'They might be feeling as nervous as I do', it might help you to see them as human beings rather than an alien who might rip your head off!

All the best

pwd

Here is the secret to superhero-like confidence


It does sound like issues with confidence and inhibition.
If you want to meet people to develop meaningful relationships of any kind then pubs and clubs aren't the best places unless you can meet friends of friends etc. Try different social outlets maybe

LegacyUser

it sounds as if you'd go out with any girl, just as long as she's willing. That's just desperate, mate, sorry and all.

for now, why don't you just enjoy single life while you can, and when you come across someone special- then start worrying about getting her to go out with you and stuff...

LegacyUser

hi guys,

Thanks for the replies.

I know pubs and clubs are bad but to be honest thats where a lot of people hook up. I went through college and saw how much people did it. When I was with the last girl, her friends used go out practically every night and hook up with guys every time.

What got me most was how she just cheated when she wanted it. I'm almost a year on and I can't even kiss a girl if I wanted.

I've gotten past my difficulties with those girls and I think my life is in a good place otherwise so I think its about time I was able to do something about this but I don't know how. I don't know what type of thins to say or do to convey interest without being a dick or sleezy. I'm just not that way.

I'd be open to meeting people other places but in the sobriety of daytime people aren't inclined to meet people. People have said to me "You never know, sure you could meet someone in the queue at the supermarket"... but the same girls say they'd think the guy was kinda weird if THEY were approached in the daytime or anywhere else.

I was never good at this. I thought I would figure it out by the time I was this age.

I know its not all over but you don't tend to meet a lot of girls your own age once your past college, I'm not getting any younger and more and more girls tend to be "taken" by the time they get past their teens and into their early twenties.

Sorry to be so whingy. Its just that when people say "Oh, try somewhere else.." Or "do something different" I don't know what somewhere and something is.

Wibbs

Bito'Advice wrote: »

I know pubs and clubs are bad but to be honest thats where a lot of people hook up. I went through college and saw how much people did it.

True enough. A goodly proportion of both hookups and relationships do start that way.

When I was with the last girl, her friends used go out practically every night and hook up with guys every time.

True again, but with women its more of a sellers market so that kinda thing is easier for them in general. I would not compare your experience as a male by that criteria really.

What got me most was how she just cheated when she wanted it. I'm almost a year on and I can't even kiss a girl if I wanted.

Simply because she wasn't as invested in the relationship as you. That's it in a nutshell. So because of that she had one eye open all the time. People tend not to cheat on others when they're in love. You on the other hand were in love with her so you didn't. Now a year on, that's a step too far. She's gone. You're a free agent now, so let her go. Also let get the notion of her infidelity. She chose to leave so why are you still acting as if you're with her? Makes no sense.

I've gotten past my difficulties with those girls and I think my life is in a good place otherwise

While your life may have moved on, if you can't imagine getting jiggy with someone new then you simply haven't gotten past her/them.

so I think its about time I was able to do something about this but I don't know how. I don't know what type of thins to say or do to convey interest without being a dick or sleezy. I'm just not that way.

How do you define being a dick or being sleazy? If you walked up to a woman and started chatting and flirting with her and ended up either snogging or getting her number, do you consider that sleazy? If so, then you really need to re define sleaze.

Start of rant* there exists in too many blokes heads these days that they have to be always "nice" and not "pushy" and looking for what you want and acting on that is somehow considered "sleazy". It's not. If you are respectful to women, but, also require respect from them and when someone catches your eye you pursue that. She is an adult and has the right to say no and she also has the right to say yes and guess what she may want to say yes. I guarantee you have missed out on quite a few women by not going for it. I'd put money on it. It's not sleazy to do so. It's actually often more creepy to women if you're not clear and try to be their "friends" first. They know you're into them 9 times outa 10, so just step up and go for it. * end rant.

I'd be open to meeting people other places but in the sobriety of daytime people aren't inclined to meet people. People have said to me "You never know, sure you could meet someone in the queue at the supermarket"... but the same girls say they'd think the guy was kinda weird if THEY were approached in the daytime or anywhere else.

TBH daytime is largely not good. Other than work flirtation. Night time is the arena where most of this does take place. Even if it's in mutual interest clubs etc. As it is the time when it's expected then logic would suggest it's the time where you have to practice more.

I was never good at this. I thought I would figure it out by the time I was this age.

You're 24 mate. Not wishing to sound like a muppet but you've a good bit to go to figure out a lot of stuff. It feels like you know a lot, but that passes, trust me

I know its not all over but you don't tend to meet a lot of girls your own age once your past college, I'm not getting any younger and more and more girls tend to be "taken" by the time they get past their teens and into their early twenties.

Mid 20's and they're taken? I would reckon that at least a third of those women who are taken are not the happiset campers in the tent and would only love to move on. That is not saying you should go for women with boyfriends, but the fact is as you say a lot of women are with guys or about to dump guys, so put the taken bit outa your head. I would further say that one hell of a proportion of women leave one relationship and go pretty much straight into another one. You could be one of them blokes. Looking back I can only think of three of my exes that were completely single when I met them first. Nothing happened between me and them until they had left the last bloke, but the seeds of something happening were there before that happening.

Sorry to be so whingy. Its just that when people say "Oh, try somewhere else.." Or "do something different" I don't know what somewhere and something is.

Like I said in another post, get yourself together, actually move on from the last woman, accept that shes well gone and that you're opn to a new woman, get out more, go out with more mates and meet new people, either in work or play.

af_thefragile

Confidence mate, confidence is the absolute key to it all!!!

here, i'll do a little copypasta job from the other thread:
(its a reply to Wibbs post in the "Time to Get a Girlfriend" thread and as you can never go wrong with Wibbs's advises, you should check out what he said in that thread too).

I'ld say it all boils down to being confident. If you're naturally confident, it shows and women have the amazing ability to instantly sense the confident level of the person they're speaking to.
They need the confidence level of the person to be above a certain threshold. If its below that its very unlikely they'll go out with that person.
The only problem is the threshold is quite high and most men fall below this threshold!! Also usually the more attractive/confident the girl is herself, the higher threshold level she's got set for herself.

And there's also an upper limit too. If you're trying to be too confident, then you'll just come off as a douche bag n she won't like you. Actually no one will you if you're a douche bag!
Oh and the most important thing is if you're not good at faking high confidence or if you're trying too hard, the women will instantly notice that and sign you off.

But then as Wibbs said, all those are superficial things, the more important thing is for the two of ye to be able to get along well and have a fun time alone by just the two of ye. If you can manage to get yourself to do that, then its no work, it'll all happen by itself, you've just gotta hang in there and do what feels right!!
No rocket science! Throw away all those "help with dating" and "the game" books. It all comes down to the two of ye to be able to get along with each other well and have a fun time together. If she enjoys your company, its very likely she's not gonna reject meeting again.

So then what about the confidence?
Aah yeah, you see the confidence thing is the underlying attraction trigger. It helps with the initial stages of her getting attracted to you and giving you her number. More importantly it makes sure you don't cock it up while you're with her and turn her off you.

So confidence is important. Being able to comfortably get along n have fun is more important. But if you're not confident enough, you'll not be able to move past the initial stage onto the getting along stage.

So go away and work on building your confidence first mate then you can be all the stud you wanna be!! Sometimes i really need to start following my own advises!

LegacyUser

I think what I said came out wrong....

Its not that "I can't" cos I still like the last girl...
It's "I can't" because I can't get myself into a position where another girl is willing to even consider it.

I'm a bad talker, I think I must come across badly. I try to talk more but it probably makes things worse as I'm not saying the right things to girls but I dunno what it is I should say. You don't see any attraction in their eyes, they never engage in the conversation, its just "yeah and no" answers until it fizzles out.

I don't meet girls anyway. I'm physically sick of going out with friends and stuff at weekends, It draining my money and energy and I haven't met ANY girls in that year because nobody wants to talk to me in a pub/club cos I'm not entertaining enough I think.

I'm trying very very hard but I constantly think "what to say" when around anyone.. its aweful.

I'd give anything right now to meet someone, doesn't have to be THE ONE or whatever, just meet someone and them like me so I'd feel slightly more confident and that I'm not the most hideous person alive...

All the advice I read doesn't work... its all about holding eye contact and stuff... but no girls ever look at me...
Or being "flirty"... don;t really know what that means.

I'm a bit of a lost cause in this department, eh?