'stop gap friend'

LegacyUser

Going to go unreg for this....
Hi I'm an openly gay student, with both male and female friends. I would be considered popular, gregarious and charming(if of the somewhat camp variety). I am extremely successful in Uni, top of my class and considered to be extremely talented and able by my lecturers, this is not an exercise in bragging, rather it is to emphasise the lack of reason for what is basically a very messed up state for me to find myself in.

When I was younger, i.e prior to coming out I was often insolent and depressed, all the usual angst of adolescence multiplied by a confusion, one which I overcame thankfully.

Now however, I feel myself slipping back into my old state, not one related directly to my sexuality but rather due to an aching loneliness, either real or perceived.

I have always known I invest far too much in other people, falling afoul everytime of the old Paschal maxim about human happiness, but recently this is beginning to directly affect my mental health.

Last year two of my best friends(straight) began a relationship which I basically instigated or at least helped along, which ended very badly about 2 months ago(and was extemely intense), having took the girl's side(let's call her F) the male(M) and I had had a serious falling out which has led to a prolonged estrangement, i.e I have lost one of my best friends in the world...........

While I love F to bits, and genuinely would lie down and die for her I am now feeling a horrible sense of deja vu. Herself and another one of my good friends have now begun to see each other. Yet again I feel marginalised and almost as though I am merely a stop gap, someone to provide emotional intimacy while noone else is avaliable, and the mere thought of losing her as a friend has made me feel physically ill, as in I have actually vomited, I have a constant headache and am regularly bursting into tears.........

This is causing me huge problems at an important time in my education due to upcoming scholarship exams etc........basically any advice would be appreciated.....

von Neumann

Ya it happens us all from time to time. Your right to think it's not so nice but it just the way it is.
People meet each other start a relationship and everthing and everone flys out the window. We've all done it.
Don't beat yourself up about it, because it's nothing what so ever to do with you.
My advice would be to make some new friends, I'm not saying you should not stay friend with her, but you need to take care of yourself as well.

dreamer_ire

The start relationship is thrilling and intense and all you want to do is see the other person because of how they make you feel. This often means that friends take a back seat for a while. We all do it.... we all also need our friends too. Sometimes being a true friend is being there for the other person when they need you, but it's a fine line between being a true friend and being used. Just think if you needed her and she was with her new OH would she come running? If she would then she is worth sticking with, if not, well....

If you decide she is a good friend and you do want to stick with her maybe you should think about widening your circle of friends. It's always good to have different friends to do different things with.

Wagon

I'd take a step back and not be so willing to help others. That doesn't mean be a bastard or anything, be as nice as you are able, but protect yourself. Nice people are often taken for granted by others, often unintentionally. When you say "helped along" this relationship, i assume you mean got them together or acted as problem solver or adviser. That's grand, but only in moderation as doing it too often can come to a person depending on you when things go down the jacks with their other half, and need your help to fix it when in fact, they should be talking it through themselves (this is why it ended very badly between them).

That's their own fault, not yours. I'll assume the lady in this scenario often used you for this more then the bloke (although i can't be sure, I'm just going on on law of averages here). The next time she gets with a mate, and she comes running to you for advice, the first thing you ask her is "have you spoken to *insert prospective partners name here* about this yet?" If she says no, then tell her to go talk it out with him first and she can't be relying on you to fix things. If it's a case where she genuinely needs your help then go for it.

You and your other mate will sort things out but it just needs time to fix. Blokes don't hold grudges against their mates as long as their ex girlfriends and can get right back on track in the friendship. It'll sort itself out.

So you should be looking after yourself here. Saying "no" sometimes doesn't mean that your a bad person. It just helps you stop getting so involved, or more commonly, stops others from dragging you into their problems, leaving you a bit of sanity It also prevents this "stop gap friend" scenario which I've been in before and it makes you feel like a tool so I know exactly where you coming from when you say it. You seem sound and down to earth enough to meet new mates or boyfriends easily so I wouldn't be worrying about being lonely, but I do advise in saying "no" every once in a while. Good luck!

Dwn Wth Vwls

Unregistered wrote: »

and the mere thought of losing her as a friend has made me feel physically ill, as in I have actually vomited, I have a constant headache and am regularly bursting into tears.........

I'm kind of surprised how upbeat the other replies seem, because this strikes me as extremely strange and somewhat worrying. First of all, they're just your thoughts. You can't actually know what your friend is thinking or feeling, you're just building up this story in your head. Your illness is entirely self inflicted and probably for no reason. Thinking about friendships really shouldn't make you vomit.

Secondly, why do you feel so dependant on this friendship? If she's just using you as an emotional crutch between boyfriends, she might not even be that good of a friend. You stopped talking to your other best friend over boyfriend/girlfriend drama and the world didn't end, what's the worst that could happen if you stop being friends with this one? As you describe yourself, you should have no problems making friends, including ones that don't ignore you when they start relationships.

I know you didn't ask about this, but to be honest you sound very insecure. It seems like you feel you need to prove yourself to everyone constantly, and you crave their approval. You invest too much in other people because your self-esteem is based on their opinion of you. If you can learn to love and accept yourself, then you can stop caring about other peoples' opinions and probably be much happier.