Boyfriend drives me mad!

LegacyUser

Can I ask how those of you in couples argue and how you resolve them? I've just had a row with my boyfriend and I ended up crying...like I do most of the time. We just don't argue well. I'm 28 and he is almost 31 and when we argue I feel like he knows me least out of everyone in the world. Any time over the years (we're together 4)I've had an issue with something,whether it was serious or something silly, he gets really defensive and attacks me for being annoyed at all, instead of listening to what I'm upset about.

I know this is typical man/woman stuff but I don't how it gets fixed. I usually end up so frustrated that I end up crying which is his cue to either get angry that I'm crying over something trivial or else comfort me and tell me it's not worth getting upset over. But still not addressing what my issue was. If I try to hold things in,I end up exploding and he can't understand why I'm angry "out of the blue when you were grand a second ago".

If I say things as they upset me, of course I'm leaving myself open to the nag stereotype. I cannot win! I've read alot in an effort to change this and I try to watch how I say things to him,not be too snappy or accusing or whatever.I even suggested we go to therapy together but he told me there's nothing wrong with HIM but I can go if I want.

He's a great guy otherwise,it doesn't happen all the time but when it does it's just impossible.And it just ends up with us making friends because we're miserable but not with anything getting resolved. So with no resolution,of course the same things come up again!

He says he hates arguing and acts as if I love it! I'd love to hear how other couples sort out their rows. We can hardly go through life together like this, I'll end up spontaneously combusting.
Thanks for reading.

Latchy

Op sometimes the best thing to do is give yourself's some space and walk out the door before the argument begins .That could be you or him doing the walking but if you both use this as a barometor or a rule, then you both know that at the first sign of any shouting or then one of you has the option of going .You both could then resolve to use this as an oppurtunity to adopt a new routine were you put aside time to sit ,listen and talk ' to' instead of ' at ' each other .

Carrigart Exile

drivingmemad wrote: »

Can I ask how those of you in couples argue and how you resolve them? I've just had a row with my boyfriend and I ended up crying...like I do most of the time. We just don't argue well. I'm 28 and he is almost 31 and when we argue I feel like he knows me least out of everyone in the world. Any time over the years (we're together 4)I've had an issue with something,whether it was serious or something silly, he gets really defensive and attacks me for being annoyed at all, instead of listening to what I'm upset about. I know this is typical man/woman stuff but I don't how it gets fixed. I usually end up so frustrated that I end up crying which is his cue to either get angry that I'm crying over something trivial or else comfort me and tell me it's not worth getting upset over. But still not addressing what my issue was. If I try to hold things in,I end up exploding and he can't understand why I'm angry "out of the blue when you were grand a second ago". If I say things as they upset me, of course I'm leaving myself open to the nag stereotype. I cannot win! I've read alot in an effort to change this and I try to watch how I say things to him,not be too snappy or accusing or whatever.I even suggested we go to therapy together but he told me there's nothing wrong with HIM but I can go if I want.He's a great guy otherwise,it doesn't happen all the time but when it does it's just impossible.And it just ends up with us making friends because we're miserable but not with anything getting resolved. So with no resolution,of course the same things come up again!He says he hates arguing and acts as if I love it! I'd love to hear how other couples sort out their rows. We can hardly go through life together like this, I'll end up spontaneously combusting.
Thanks for reading.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but it appears you start the arguments, therefore, you have the control to make sure they don't start in the first place. I am struggling to understand what it is you argue about, is it basic domestics (pick up after yourself) or what?

BeardyGit

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but it appears you start the arguments, therefore, you have the control to make sure they don't start in the first place. I am struggling to understand what it is you argue about, is it basic domestics (pick up after yourself) or what?

Think you're probably reading it wrong. All sounds normal enough to me, but it's down to the people involved to find a means of resolving whatever's causing the rowing in the first place....

Einstein

I know with an ex of mine who i'm still friendly with(dunno if she is with me!) That she had the ability to make me so angry when we argued. I'm never an angry person, don't have a temper, but I never argued with anyone the way I did with her.

I also know that I can be extremely condescending when I argue...it's not a choice...and I do try my best not to be that way when I DO argue with my gf...but I know I can make her feel pretty low if I do get that way , but it's never meant like that.
It's an awful feeling OP, and I guess nobody likes arguements in the first place...so maybe when you can feel it coming, just go to another room, go for a walk etc, and maybe try not to let it happen.
There's nothing wrong with arguements now and then, they can be healthy...just beware that they're not happening that lil bit too often...

LegacyUser

drivingmemad wrote: »

Can I ask how those of you in couples argue and how you resolve them? I've just had a row with my boyfriend and I ended up crying...like I do most of the time. We just don't argue well. I'm 28 and he is almost 31 and when we argue I feel like he knows me least out of everyone in the world. Any time over the years (we're together 4)I've had an issue with something,whether it was serious or something silly, he gets really defensive and attacks me for being annoyed at all, instead of listening to what I'm upset about.

I know this is typical man/woman stuff but I don't how it gets fixed. I usually end up so frustrated that I end up crying which is his cue to either get angry that I'm crying over something trivial or else comfort me and tell me it's not worth getting upset over. But still not addressing what my issue was. If I try to hold things in,I end up exploding and he can't understand why I'm angry "out of the blue when you were grand a second ago".

If I say things as they upset me, of course I'm leaving myself open to the nag stereotype. I cannot win! I've read alot in an effort to change this and I try to watch how I say things to him,not be too snappy or accusing or whatever.I even suggested we go to therapy together but he told me there's nothing wrong with HIM but I can go if I want.

He's a great guy otherwise,it doesn't happen all the time but when it does it's just impossible.And it just ends up with us making friends because we're miserable but not with anything getting resolved. So with no resolution,of course the same things come up again!

He says he hates arguing and acts as if I love it! I'd love to hear how other couples sort out their rows. We can hardly go through life together like this, I'll end up spontaneously combusting.
Thanks for reading.

OP, this sounds exactly like the way me and my boyfriend argue! It doesn't happen all that often and we normally get on great, but if something comes up, the actual argument always end up being about about something else...like I've raised my voice, or he's missing the point.

I haven't been able to address this, no matter what I do, except as one poster suggested, to avoid arguments at all costs! It's not easy when you need to address something and don't expect it to turn into an argument at all.

Sorry I don't have better advice for you, but you're not the only one with this problem

Cabbage Brained

Hi OP,

I can understand your frustration, but it seems that it is you who starts the arguments, and as such you really need to question this before you start questioning your boyfriend. It really depends how serious the issues are that you are getting upset about. Sometimes we just have to accept little things about our partners that we don't really like, because trying to change them and having to go through the arguments that ensue just aren't worth it. It sounds like your other half accepts you for who you are, so maybe you should try turning a blind eye?

This is all contingent on the issues you are getting upset about not being all that serious. It really depends what they are. If you feel that they are too big to ignore, then I would print out what you wrote here and show it to him.

MagicMarker

drivingmemad wrote: »

he can't understand why I'm angry "out of the blue when you were grand a second ago".

This line stood out to me, unfortunately OP, i can very much empathize with your BF. You remind me of an ex of mine, she was so completely over emotional that she would start arguments over such insignificant things. It frustrated the hell out of me, as someone else said, i never argued with anyone the way i argued with her.

The fact that you cry after every argument just ads to the frustration!! In fact it's highly unattractive.

Sorry to say, but it sounds like it's your irrationality that starts the arguments.

Of course if you gave us examples we could probably help you out a little more.

Wibbs

Been there myself with two exes of mine and you do sound a little like one of them tbh. Now arguments with others would be 50/50 my issue too or down to simple miscommunication, but some people just rub each other up badly. I will say that there are women who are a complete headwreck(ie those two exes) and would try the patience of a saint. I'm quite sure there are men the same, but I would suspect in the main they're a headwreck because they go all silent and won't engage. If you add in a woman that "needs to be heard!!!" then crazyness follows.

The only advice I would give is that you have to understand you're in control of your emotions and there's no excuse on your part in escalating an argument. Step away, calm down and let it go. Let it go, until you have stepped back.

If you don't there may well come a time when he just simply has enough and walks or worse stays and treats you like an over emotional child at those times and disregards you and your possibly valid opinion. TBH that's why I left those exes. I didn't want to waste my time stepping on eggshells or "controlling" their responses. I felt like an adult dealing with a child. Not good.

It can be done too. I've a female mate who was like that with her partners(funny enough not with her female or male mates). It took her losing a big love to change though.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

the most annoying thing a girl can do is cry, in my relationship its always the god damn water works, why can't she just be angry without the crying, its pathetic and its the easy way out, its also pisses me off even more, i don't know if it pisses your boyfriend off but if it does you should stop it because in my experience it just makes things worse

cry when someone dies, or you break a leg, not when you have an arguement

Nevyn

Saul Raspy Reef wrote: »

the most annoying thing a girl can do is cry, in my relationship its always the god damn water works, why can't she just be angry without the crying, its pathetic and its the easy way out, its also pisses me off even more, i don't know if it pisses your boyfriend off but if it does you should stop it because in my experience it just makes things worse

cry when someone dies, or you break a leg, not when you have an arguement

This imples that a person can choose not to try when they are upset, angry or frustrated, it's just not that simple and is not automatically done to emotionally blackmail or upset the other person.

Personally I used more likely to nearly break my neck getting way if I get to the stage where I start to cry, but crying doesn't mean you have lost it just means you are upset and if I am so "upset" hurt/frustrated/angery then there is point trying to continue on a discussion.

Put if a partner kept repeating the same behaviour that I would get so upset and have to recluse myself from the discussion/argument then I would be taking that lack of consideration and the lack of proper communication and of
lack of conflict resolution so be very bad signs in the relationship.

drivingmemad I gather this frustration has been accumulative so that every time you have such an interaction your frustration levels are already up and you are already slight wond up by it.

I would suggest that you put the ball in his court, leave him a note saying these are the topics you want to discuss, ask him to set a time and date and if he wants to add anything on to it.

Have the dicussion at a dinner table if possible not in bed or when he is at the pc/tv and set a time limit on it. Try and discuss the issues and the facts have an exchange of opinion and see what the solutions may be. Don't get caught up in a lot of emotive, angsty dialogue, be prepared to walk away from it if it starts slipping back into old patterns.

Good luck, hope you find a new way to communitcate to each other.

Jack B. Badd

Saul Raspy Reef wrote: »

the most annoying thing a girl can do is cry, in my relationship its always the god damn water works, why can't she just be angry without the crying, its pathetic and its the easy way out, its also pisses me off even more, i don't know if it pisses your boyfriend off but if it does you should stop it because in my experience it just makes things worse

cry when someone dies, or you break a leg, not when you have an arguement

As annoying (and possibly emotionally manipulative) as crying is, I don't think it's primarily done to piss off boyfriends
My boyfriend and I had a conversation about this not so very long ago, triggered by me having a very bad day for a number of reasons and having a bawl in the middle of doing the ironing. I spontaneously burst into tears, cried solid for a good 10 minutes, then dried my eyes and 10 minutes later was all stress-free and happy again. Totally freaked my boyfriend out!
We concluded (perhaps not correctly) that it's about how men and women deal differently with stresses in their lives. We reckon that men, when faced with a stressful issue, will put it to the top of the to-do list and get it resolved as soon as possible. Women however tend to deal with it in tandem with other issues, leading to a longer period of feeling stressed. The easiest way to deal with this? - have a cry, it's an immediate stress reliever.
It could be that by the time an issue gets to the argument stage it has built up to quite a stressful level for the OP, leading her to cry during arguments. However, this isn't really a fantastic way of dealing with another person, particularly a guy as (huge generalisation here!) most guys don't cope well with being confronted by a tearful woman...

aniascor

Saul Raspy Reef wrote: »

the most annoying thing a girl can do is cry, in my relationship its always the god damn water works, why can't she just be angry without the crying, its pathetic and its the easy way out, its also pisses me off even more, i don't know if it pisses your boyfriend off but if it does you should stop it because in my experience it just makes things worse

cry when someone dies, or you break a leg, not when you have an arguement

Many people, myself included, can't cope very well with confrontation or arguments, and end up getting so upset or frustrated that it leads to tears. This doesn't necessarily mean that the tears are an easy way out. Often I find that the person you are arguing with becomes so concerned with getting you to stop crying that the real issues are never addressed.

So OP - you need to find another way to have arguments. For me, because i know i am unable to think straight during an argument, it involves sitting down by myself and writing down my thoughts on it. Then if it's such an emotive issue that i can't discuss it without crying, i'll give the written thoughts to the person i'm arguing with to read, and then we can have a constructive discussion about it, without me feeling afterwards that i never made my points. Or if it's not that emotive, sometimes just writing what i'm thinking or upset about is enough to clear my head, and then i'm able to have a calm rational discussion about it.

I'm not suggesting that you need to start writing things down - but just that there are different ways to have an argument, or to resolve a problem, and if shouting matches and face-to-face arguments aren't working for you (which they clearly aren't) then you need to find another way to communicate your frustrations. Otherwise, you won't have constructive communication in your relationship, and without that issues won't get resolved and sooner or later you won't have a relationship.

Good luck.

jimmycrackcorm

Cabbage Brained wrote: »

Hi OP,

I can understand your frustration, but it seems that it is you who starts the arguments, and as such you really need to question this before you start questioning your boyfriend. It really depends how serious the issues are that you are getting upset about. Sometimes we just have to accept little things about our partners that we don't really like, because trying to change them and having to go through the arguments that ensue just aren't worth it. It sounds like your other half accepts you for who you are, so maybe you should try turning a blind eye?

This is all contingent on the issues you are getting upset about not being all that serious. It really depends what they are. If you feel that they are too big to ignore, then I would print out what you wrote here and show it to him.

+1 for this. The op sounds like my wife. I find myself coming home and she starts on me on something or other and then keeps it going and it seems to me that she either needs to vent her emotions or needs to try get some form of response from me. I don't wait for her to come home having a little ambush prepared over something or other.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

As annoying (and possibly emotionally manipulative) as crying is, I don't think it's primarily done to piss off boyfriends
..

i know its not done to piss off boyfriends,

in my experience girls cry more than guys, alot more, i just think that restraint could be used cause while some in some situations it can be good for an emotional out pouring, in situations where there is an argument its a completely useless thing to do

Nevyn

Yes it can be a completely useless thing to do but it's not something that a lot of women can control it just happens, and the fact that it happens can lead to more frustations which leads to guess what more tears.

MagicMarker

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it can be a completely useless thing to do but it's not something that a lot of women can control it just happens, and the fact that it happens can lead to more frustations which leads to guess what more tears.

Meh, some people can get hurt, angry and frustrated which makes them cry. Some people get hurt, angry and frustrated and start throwing fists. It's no excuse though.

I used to cry out of anger and frustration, but I was a pre teen at the time.

While i 'get' that women are generally more emotional, there's really no need to take it that far as an adult except in extreme circumstances.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

MagicMarker wrote: »

Meh, some people can get hurt, angry and frustrated which makes them cry. Some people get hurt, angry and frustrated and start throwing fists. It's no excuse though.

I used to cry out of anger and frustration, but I was a pre teen at the time.

While i 'get' that women are generally more emotional, there's really no need to take it that far as an adult except in extreme circumstances.

A-thank yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu

LegacyUser

I dont think women "take it that far" on purpose. We cant help it sometimes. I hate crying in front of people but sometimes i happens even when im trying with all my mite to make it stop. Its not a choice we make sometimes...

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont think women "take it that far" on purpose. We cant help it sometimes. I hate crying in front of people but sometimes i happens even when im trying with all my mite to make it stop. Its not a choice we make sometimes...

Fair enough, and i'd happily accept it from an OH of mine on occasion. But from what the OP says, it happens more often than not, which really is excessive for an grown adult.

What would the general consensus be if the OP were male? I think this thread would have gone in a completely different direction, people would be telling him in no uncertain terms to cop the fúck on.

Nevyn

You can have voluntary control of your fists and feet, tear ducts are not the same
and yes there are men who cry when they get upset and emotional, I don't see a problem with unless it is as it is with the OP impeding her trying to have a discussion with her partner.

LegacyUser

Perhaps i shouldn't have mentioned the crying, it seems to be the only thing most of the guys can focus on in my entire post. I've had previous serious relationships, my partner has not. I have never been like this with other men because I could easily say to them I'm not happy about something and they would listen, absorb what I said and put forward their thoughts like a reasonable adult, without resorting to the "change the record/leave me alone" teenage responses. I also wasn't so quick to get upset in the beginning of this relationship because I hadn't been trying to deal with this type of behaviour for any length of time.

It is as Thaedydal said, the frustration is there to start with. I literally cannot say anything. It could be as small as did you pick up milk and he'll respond snappy,annoyed I've asked him at all. Which doesn't make sense because he "hates rowing", but he is the first to take an aggressive/defensive stance.Then I'll feel I have to control how it goes from here so I try all the tricks, staying calm,not being aggressive/accusing whatever but all the time he's still reacting with FFS and tutting and gesticulating, which winds me up.Because he's not even listening to me because if he was he'd see it was something tiny!It's that I questioned him on something at all.It's as if he's reading from a list of stereotypical responses to give a nagging woman! I'm not a nag and I don't like feeling like one. I've given up all the obvious stuff now,like pick up after yourself etc because it's not worth it. But still all our rows go the same way. Oh sorry, unless it's an issue he has, then he comes in,gets angry and I listen and either apologise or try and sort it! Oh I've also tried walking away,getting some space etc(I told you I'd read up on this!) but tbh he usually follows me, shouting stuff like "I can't believe we're arguing over something so stupid!".

Victor

Poster, you had a huge number of grammar and punctuation errors. This is grossly unfair on anyone reading your post, especially those with reading (dyslexia) or sight difficulties (people using text to voice software). I've fixed many of them, I don't want to make a habit of it.

Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned the crying, it seems to be the only thing most of the guys can focus on in my entire post. I've had previous serious relationships, my partner has not. I have never been like this with other men because I could easily say to them I'm not happy about something and they would listen, absorb what I said and put forward their thoughts like a reasonable adult, without resorting to the "change the record/leave me alone" teenage responses. I also wasn't so quick to get upset in the beginning of this relationship because I hadn't been trying to deal with this type of behaviour for any length of time.

It is as Thaedydal said, the frustration is there to start with. I literally cannot say anything. It could be as small as did you pick up milk and he'll respond snappy, annoyed I've asked him at all. Which doesn't make sense because he "hates rowing", but he is the first to take an aggressive/defensive stance. Then I'll feel I have to control how it goes from here so I try all the tricks, staying calm, not being aggressive/accusing whatever but all the time he's still reacting with FFS and tutting and gesticulating, which winds me up. Because he's not even listening to me because if he was he'd see it was something tiny! It's that I questioned him on something at all. It's as if he's reading from a list of stereotypical responses to give a nagging woman! I'm not a nag and I don't like feeling like one. I've given up all the obvious stuff now, like pick up after yourself etc because it's not worth it. But still all our rows go the same way. Oh sorry, unless it's an issue he has, then he comes in, gets angry and I listen and either apologise or try and sort it! Oh I've also tried walking away, getting some space etc (I told you I'd read up on this!) but tbh he usually follows me, shouting stuff like "I can't believe we're arguing over something so stupid!".

Carrigart Exile

drivingmemad wrote: »

Perhaps i shouldn't have mentioned the crying, it seems to be the only thing most of the guys can focus on in my entire post. I've had previous serious relationships, my partner has not. I have never been like this with other men because I could easily say to them I'm not happy about something and they would listen, absorb what I said and put forward their thoughts like a reasonable adult, without resorting to the "change the record/leave me alone" teenage responses. I also wasn't so quick to get upset in the beginning of this relationship because I hadn't been trying to deal with this type of behaviour for any length of time.

It is as Thaedydal said, the frustration is there to start with. I literally cannot say anything. It could be as small as did you pick up milk and he'll respond snappy,annoyed I've asked him at all. Which doesn't make sense because he "hates rowing", but he is the first to take an aggressive/defensive stance.Then I'll feel I have to control how it goes from here so I try all the tricks, staying calm,not being aggressive/accusing whatever but all the time he's still reacting with FFS and tutting and gesticulating, which winds me up.Because he's not even listening to me because if he was he'd see it was something tiny!It's that I questioned him on something at all.It's as if he's reading from a list of stereotypical responses to give a nagging woman! I'm not a nag and I don't like feeling like one. I've given up all the obvious stuff now,like pick up after yourself etc because it's not worth it. But still all our rows go the same way. Oh sorry, unless it's an issue he has, then he comes in,gets angry and I listen and either apologise or try and sort it! Oh I've also tried walking away,getting some space etc(I told you I'd read up on this!) but tbh he usually follows me, shouting stuff like "I can't believe we're arguing over something so stupid!".

Can you give us an idea what it is you are not happy with?

[Jackass]

I feel for you OP.

Some couples aren't "fighting" compatable in my experience. Not to say you aren't compatable in every other way or that this means it's not going to work etc. etc. It's just something you both need to understand.

For example, since you want to know how other couples deal with things, when I'm in a row with my girlfriend, if I don't talk about it and sort it out straight away it will play on my mind and annoy me and annoy me all day and night, so I really want to talk about things and not have this row hanging over us, like anybody, I don't want to be fighting or have this Drama existing any longer than it has to.

My girlfriend on the other hand, needs space the second there's a disagrement. We are complete poles apart with how we react with fights. And then that annoys me even more because if it's something small we row over, she'll want space, wont answer her phone or wont write back if I text and that will annoy me even more and I'll be like a pressure cooker getting more and more p!ssed off, so I will try to contact her again - mean while, she's getting p!ssed off because I keep calling and she doesn't want to talk, so she get's more annoyed at me. Then something that could have been sorted out there and then turns into this massive row where we both build up a lot of anger then clash when we do talk - and the fight is more about the fight than it is over the origional disagreement at that point.

It's a funny thing I suppose. We've worked on it and gradually learned to find a happy medium with things that they don't boil over much anymore. I've learned to give her space when something happens INITIALLY, and she has learned that it's not fare to just cut off contact because of something as it only makes things worse and we talk.

But it took a lot of rows before we figured it out, and some couples take longer than others. We kind of made an agreement to be "mature" and take a little time and then sort it out. And also to never let anything run into a second day. I suppose that's something that puts out a lot of disagreements is that we would talk at night if it's late and we both know (from experience) that if it's not sorted out on the day it just mushrooms into more. And neither of us want that so we just both wave our white flags at the end of it all and say sorry and I love you. And then everybodys happy again.

We're together 2 years now but it's taken a lot of work to mellow things out. Now we don't have any big rows, only spats from time to time.

If you ask me, your boyfriend maybe needs to grow up a little bit. But I think you may need to cut down on the drama also.

(put's on helmet and padded clothing) Without realising it, from my experience, when emotions run high, women can SOMETIMES be slightly irrational and overly dramatic.

For guys this is like a red flag to a bull. My advice would be, if you want to resolve an issue, stay very calm, raise the issue in a non confrontational manner, and no matter what, be prepared to keep your emotions under control if you don't like what you hear...take a deep breath, and discuss. That may come accross extremely patronising, and if so I apologise. But that applies for men and women. The key to resolving any issue in any scenario is how you approach it and understanding what the other person responds to. If he doesn't like serious chats, then bring it up in a light harted manner etc., but put it accross that it really means something to you and he should respond.

If he doesn't respond to any of your efforts or if you can't figure him out then it may be a case of he doesn't respect you or that he treats you like sh*t. It shouldn't be IMPOSSIBLE to get him to listen and talk about things you want to talk about.