another age gap question

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, we get on great and really enjoy each others company. Its going incredibly well and both of us can see the relationship going somewhere.

Theres an age gap of 9 years between us - hes 26 and im 17. Took us both a while to come to terms with it but at the end of the day you cant supress such strong feelings for another person. people are always surpirsed to hear i'm 17 and he couldnt believe it when i told him.

The problem is with my parents - my dad is sick most of the time and fairly unstable. Ive told my mum about the relationship and we all met to discuss it(mum boyfriend and me). She wasn’t happy, her main concern was my dad - if/when he finds out no one knows how he will react. The other thing she was concerned about is that im doing my leaving this year, but we only see each other once a week, he doesn't get in the way of study.

Since then she is starting to come around in small ways, for example he gave me jewellery a while back and my mum saw a necklace, found out it was from him and said that it was very nice of him, would I mind if she borrowed it. I think she is starting to *kinda* accept it. She has also said that basically when ive done my leaving I can go out with him.

Theres only so many excuses I can make up for going out to see him, and someday I know I will get caught out. We have something really good and neither of us want to lose that because of external factors.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Vain

Just meet once a week for the next year while your studying for your leaving cert. If ye are still together by then your mom will more than likely see your serious and can last and she might get to like him over this time and come to accept your relationship. Also from what I see in your post your mom doesn’t seem to mind too much. Once your not living in each others pockets while your ment to be studying I cant see your mom saying much..

rathbaner

The struggle for young people to get out of childhood and to be treated properly and with respect by other adults and parents is very difficult. I would not want to live through that again, But the shocking thing is that that it only gets you to the start of living as an independent adult.

Being old means that you have an understanding of how the world works because you have lived it.

When I was 16 I had an intimate relationship with a gorgeous woman well older than me. It was wonderful. She was physically very sexy, sexually experienced and experienced in handling relatonships too. I spent nearly two years on cloud 9.

Being that age I had a very straight forward view of the world and I took her views and opinions on trust and at face value because I was honest I believed every one else was too. At the time I did not see clearly that it is possible for people not to be honest with themselves; that it is possible for adults to refuse to look at the implications and consequences of their actions - for them to believe that tomorrow will never come.

But tomorrow does come. And you will continue to grow up.

I lost contact with most of my friends - she was too old to pal around with them, they were 'too juvenile' to interest me. My mum was pretty upset by it all so I froze her out.

As I was still attending schools (I ended up failing my leaving cert) I was tied up all day. I was too young to be seen out with her in out pubs and clubs at night. She had 'responsibilities' of work and relationships in an adult world that I could not fully be a part of. We saw each other once a week or so, more suring school hols. I wold skip school to see more of her with all that that entails.

At the time I thought I was pretty sussed about it all. Only in retrospect, (ie because I am older), can I see how unequal the relationship was. It was doomed from the beginning and she knew it, if only because she understood how the world worked better than me, but she would not look up into the future because that would have meant taking responsibility for herself.

In the end I had to act the grown up, and she the spoilt brat angry at not getting what she wanted and refusing to behave like an adult.

It failed because we were not equals in the relationship. She held all the cards, all the aces. She was always ahead of me.

Was she bad? No. But she exploited me. I can see that now. I don't bear any grudge and saw her recently more than 20 years on - she is in her late 50s now.

I lost a lot though.

You have very little to gain.

MagicMarker

Good post.

OP, not to sound condescending, but you are very young and you have a lot to learn and experience. You and him are at two different stages in your life. The odds of this working out are against you. I'm not saying that you should just end it, but take it slowly. Right now he's the older 'man' and you're the vulnerable child, let's not be mistaken here, you are still a child. Again, not to sound condescending:)

Tigger

17 and 26 is a bad mix it'll be hard and probably end badly
you planning to go to college?...

but


life is hard and ends badly

follow your heart use yer head

Darragh29

How long are the two of you going out together?

LegacyUser

Darragh29 wrote: »

How long are the two of you going out together?

We're together about 3 months, and yes Im planning to go to college alright. In relation to the comments made about the odds being against it working out, the same can be said for alot of things, though we wont know what will happen if we dont give it a go.

I understand that the different life stages makes things difficult though it can work for some people. The issue isnt so much the relationship not working out, its what to do about my dad.

thanks for your replies.

seahorse

Unregistered wrote: »

The issue isnt so much the relationship not working out, its what to do about my dad.

There's really nothing you can do about your dads attitude OP. A negative view of the situation from your dad is something you can pretty much count on. I wouldnt hold it against him either. In fairness, few fathers would be happy to have their 17 year old daughter going out with a grown man.

Thoie

I was in a similar relationship at that age.

I think you need to find some way of letting your father know without him finding out accidentally. My parents weren't exactly ecstatic at the situation, but agreed that he was a pleasant guy, got to know him a bit.

I think his age is only half the battle - the other half is reassuring your parents that you are being sensible. Show them through actions that your leaving cert and future is important to you. If you say you'll be home at a certain time, stick to it. Don't lie about it when you're going to meet him (at least tell your mother when you're meeting him until your dad knows too). If you're going to meet him on a school night, come home, finish your homework/study (possibly explaining to your parents the amount of work you have planned for the evening), then say we're going for coffee/dinner at 8 - I'll be home by 10.

Things they could probably worry about:
1. The obvious - you'll end up pregnant. Don't
2. You'll grow accustomed to "living" off his wages, and when the stress hits in later in the year, you'll consider throwing it all in and going off to live with him
3. Because he doesn't have exams/study to worry about, he'll distract you by suggesting evening activities that will tempt you to stay out late, affecting your school work
4. Is there something wrong with him that he can't meet anyone his own age?
5. Hanging out with his friends who all have money from working (presumably) will make you dissatisfied with "just" being a student, and you might forsake a future career by skipping college and getting a job with less progression possibilities
6. You might be tempted to settle down and get married, but then by the time you're 26 and have matured, you might find him too immature

I'm not saying any/all of these are justified in any way, but they're quite likely to go through their heads. It's up to you to reassure them. Throwing a strop and saying "I'm an adult" won't give any reassurance. Having a calm discussion and taking on board their points of view will. Maybe try and go for a coffee with your mother alone at some stage at the weekend and ask her for her honest opinions and find out if anything is worrying her? Try to remember during the conversation that any worries she has are not because she doesn't trust you, or she hates him, or she's trying to ruin your life - parents just worry about their kids and want the best for them.

LegacyUser

Why is a grown man going out with a school girl? This is wrong in my book. Have you guys slept with each other yet?

I think you should both take a step back and realise that this relationship is doomed from the start and has no chance of working.
Your boyfriend should know this seeing as he is older and should be more mature. How have his friends reacted to the fact that his girlfriend is only 17?