Performance anxiety

LegacyUser

I'm a fairly regular boards but want to remain annonymous when asking for this sort of advice.

Ok so i'm a fairly quiet lad, only 19 years old. I've never had a girlfriend before until about 2 months ago, and only ever kissed girls in nightclubs etc. on nights out, and even at that i can count the amount i've kissed on 2 hands. i used to play quite a bit of sports and train a huge amount, as it helped boost my obviously low confidence in myself. i dont mean to appear vain, because i'm not at all, but i'm aware i'm not a bad looking lad (6 foot, sallow skin, black hair, brown eyes), but i continue to have very low self esteem.

So anyway, seeing as i've only had one girlfriend, i would be lacking on quite a bit of experience. She is that bit older, almost 4 years, so has a bit more than i do as she's not exactly quiet. she has had 2 bad breakups before me and for the last year or so has been enjoying the single life. anyway, i was very shy and cautious at the beginning, but it's now gotten to the stage where we've had sex twice now, in which both occasions i was slightly tipsy. but i stayed in her house the other night and tried it completely sober. i found it quite hard to hold an erection long enough to go through with it, and i put it down to anxiety. she turned and ignored me for quite some time and i tried talking to her about it. we eventually fell asleep and i had to leave early for college the next morning. she then text me later in the day telling me she cant go out with someone thats afraid of her and makes her feel like ****.

now i completely understand that something like this would make someone feel unloved, but it's hard to make her realise how shy and confidence lacking i have been all my life as its gotten to the stage where she is ignoring me. she only ever talks about these sort of issues by text and refuses to answer phonecalls from me when this happens.

its making me hate the way i am more and more everytime it happens and i'm finding it very difficult to deal with it and put up with myself

someone plese help me:(

SpookyDoll

Hey Op, The way the girl dealt with it was wrong. If she had shown you a bit of patience and gentle humour you probably would have relaxed enough to be able to try again with better success.

The husband of a friend of mine was like you are to start with as he was very nervous. She just relaxed him by being sound about it and saying not to worry its not all about sex. This in turn allowed him to calm down and go at his own pace, he got over his anxiety and they went on to have a good sex life and are now married!

It sounds like the girl took it personally feeling she wasn't attractive to you and then in turn took that out on you. Its a vicious circle -it only makes it worse.

Could you have a talk with her and explain you really like her and the trouble keeping the erection was not because of her at all, quite the opposite -you find her very attractive and thats whats causing the nerves and performance anxiety.

Any decent girl would accept this and give you another chance!!!

biko

OP this seems to be quite normal. I've seen loads of threads dealing with this.

edit, found one http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=56910424

Marksie

Unregistered wrote: »

she then text me later in the day telling me she cant go out with someone thats afraid of her and makes her feel like ****.

Ouch! that was a horrible thing to say to someone and indicative of her issues.

It will only put more pressure on you and its very immature of her to say that.

Would you be able to sit and talk to her and explain that you are so inexperienced and nervous..that is not being a matter of you being afraid of her. But that you are really nervous of sex itself and you would like her to help you

Then could you ask her WHY she reacted like that, *wonders about previous break ups*

edit: only the insecure ones would "feel unloved" because of this OP. Thats why its her issue. Dont get into that way of thinking that the performance equates to the amouint you love someone it doesn't. You were not relaxed thats all

AngryBadger

Marksie wrote: »

Ouch! that was a horrible thing to say to someone and indicative of her issues.

It will only put more pressure on you and its very immature of her to say that.

Would you be able to sit and talk to her and explain that you are so inexperienced and nervous..that is not being a matter of you being afraid of her. But that you are really nervous of sex itself and you would like her to help you

Then could you ask her WHY she reacted like that, *wonders about previous break ups*

edit: only the insecure ones would "feel unloved" because of this OP. Thats why its her issue. Dont get into that way of thinking that the performance equates to the amouint you love someone it doesn't. You were not relaxed thats all

+1

LegacyUser

as far as i know both her break ups were pretty bad, and one was because she caught her boyfriend of 2 years cheating on her while lying to her saying he was out with his friends. i landed myself in a bad situation by telling her i was with mates before and she reacted very badly towards it. this isn't the first time i have upset her, it seems like at least once a week now i do something to aggravate her, and i dont even realise it, and its very difficult to deal with at times.

i've tried explaining to her exactly how it is but she won't seem to accept that it's sex i'm anxious about and continues to ask why i'm afraid of her and telling me it makes her feel bad. its bad enough knowing that a lot of older lads are attracted to her, and even worse knowing that she knows it, it puts a huge amount of pressure on me to perform. i've gotten to the stage where i think there's something wrong with me, 19 year old lads are supposed to be mad for it with the hormones raging and all that.

Teddi

Hey OP...

First off..you sound like a really sound guy so dont beat yourself up too much about this.

Echoeing what the others have said, She dealt with this situation really badly..(and they say that men arent sensitive enough..phhhffff). You know her more than we do, but from what you have told us..she sounds really immature and she's 23? ....hmm....

Ignoring your calls to talk about your issues?...I dont mean to scare you mate, but she sounds like she is going to cause you alot of communication problems in the future, I've dealt with girls like that before and they wreak your head beyond repair!...

Either put her down infront of you..and explain wholeheartedly how you feel....tell her to take you seriously....that this is how you feel....that you have always had low self esteem and that the thought of having to impress her...makes you anxious, making you perform less than she is expecting...

If she still doesnt cop herself on about this....You might want to give her the old "heave-ho!".....there are plenty of girls out there mate that would be alot more considerate and talk this through with you like a proper adult.

Dont put all your eggs in this basket......she isnt worth all this stress your being put under.

I hope this gets resolved for you

McGinty

we eventually fell asleep and i had to leave early for college the next morning. she then text me later in the day telling me she cant go out with someone thats afraid of her and makes her feel like ****.

Hi Op

when I read the above I was really mad, not at you, but at her and her insensitivity. Your girlfriend was way out of order when she said that. I have been around the block a few times and most men get some performance anxiety, to a greater or lesser degree. It is easier in a sense for us women, because our arousal is not on display, ok we get other problems, but it is easier for us to hide the fact that we are nervous sexually, being nervous is okay and perfectly normal, you are not a performing monkey but a person with feelings, so whilst you may desire to make your girlfriend feel wanted, she should also make you feel at your ease and wanted to, not putting you down.

At some point, most men lose erections, be it tiredness, stress, too much alcohol, fear,etc, so please don't be hard on yourself, in all honesty, judging from the comments your girlfriend makes, she sounds like she has issues, and she may take that out on you. You cannot undue her past pain, that is for her to deal with, she needs to look at you afresh and not judge you according to her exs, and you need to make sure you are treated with respect. I'll end on this note, having a huge number of women as lovers does not neccesary make you a great lover, in my experience it is the kind, sensitive man who makes a great lover, and you sound like one of those types of men. Believe in yourself and don't allow anyone to roughshed your feelings.

seahorse

Unregistered wrote: »

she turned and ignored me for quite some time and i tried talking to her about it. we eventually fell asleep and i had to leave early for college the next morning. she then text me later in the day telling me she cant go out with someone thats afraid of her and makes her feel like ****.

She doesn’t have as much experience as you think she has, in fact it sounds to me like she doesn’t have a clue. I'm in my early thirties and if I were wanting sex from a new partner who seemed reluctant on the grounds of nervousness and anxiety, the bloody LAST thing I'd do would be reinforce his reluctance in the way that she has done.

As for what you can do from here, if you want to keep this one (which I personally wouldn’t recommend, but that's your business) the only thing you can do is talk to her and tell her the truth about your feelings, including the feelings her words provoke. If she's too much of a little girl to listen to what you're saying maybe you should just call it a day.

To be honest, from what you've said, it sounds like she's an tactless and thoughtless eejit who's projecting her issues onto a sensitive young man. I strongly suspect she'll end up pushing you away and cop on to what she's done years from now when she's been around the block enough times to realise it.

Lollipops23

Unregistered wrote: »

she turned and ignored me for quite some time and i tried talking to her about it. we eventually fell asleep and i had to leave early for college the next morning. she then text me later in the day telling me she cant go out with someone thats afraid of her and makes her feel like ****.

that's a bit over the top OP!does she know that she's your first serious GF?cos she should be a bit more sensitive!Explain that you were nervous,if she acts bitchy than perhaps its time to reconsider the relationship?