At cross purposes regarding sex

LegacyUser

Partner and I are together 6 years. Get on brilliantly. Rarely fight. Have the same goals, are planning marriage and kids. I love him totally. However, when it comes to sex, we just can't seem to get it right. I want romance, lots of foreplay, soft lighting, romantic music, massage etc. He wants us to basically pretend we are in a porn movie. But that approach turns me off! I am willing to do what he wants, and I do it, but it feels unnatural and I get so turned off that it is making me lose interest in him sexually. I know I need to ask more for what I want, but when I feel I am making him do stuff I want, I can't relax and enjoy it as I should.
Am I taking sex too seriously? How can we make it good for both of us? Any advice or experience of this would help. I don't want to feel unsatisfied sexually for the rest of my life.

Bijoux

Have you tried alternating between the two?
Or try and compromise.
Have you talked about it with him?
It sounds like you're in a great relationship, don't ruin it by over analyzing this problem, just try and find a midpoint, if possible.

evad_lhorg

How about pretending to be in a Romantic porno where he is a massage therapist with a very soothing soundtrack?

randylonghorn

I would suggest that neither of you are "wrong", and that you both need to be willing to compromise to the other's preferences and / or fantasies at times.

Romance, candles, music, wine, strawberries (esp. strawberries ) and taking it slow and gentle can be brilliant at times ...

... but there are times when that off-the-cuff shag up against the spin-dryer with the mother-in-law knocking at the front door can be a mind-blowing experience too!

Talk to one another, listen to one another, compromise, be prepared to experiment (within reason!), let loose and enjoy yourselves!

As someone above said, you seem to have way too much going for you to let this problem throw a dampener on things ... when it should be one of the really fun bits of any relationship.

pretty-in-pink

Hey OP, let the sex just be fun. Sometimes you might want a quickie, or to get down and dirty. Sometimes you want the stoking and kissing and stuff. I know exactly where you're at, but sex is not worth rowing over (even if making up is great), why not build it up by talking about what your fantasys are etc?

This months Cosmo has some great tips too actually, about how men condition themselves to a quick shag, and we condition ourselves to needing the romance, its all to do with how we do it when we are alone. Anways, read it, it might help. Theres a similar one in FHM too.

juvenal

evad_lhorg wrote: »

How about pretending to be in a Romantic porno where he is a massage therapist with a very soothing soundtrack?

Surely an oxymoron. . ?:eek:;)

@ OP, talk to your partner, it's more important than any advice we can give and the best way to enhance your relationship and ensure that you are both satisfied.

Marksie

There is more than ample room for both the romance and the raunch in a lovemaking session.
or even see one as developing intimacy and the other as role play.

P0rn movies are no way good as a guide for good sex in any event and that does show limited imagination tbh and is missing out on some of teh greater experiences

So talk to your partner and come to a compromise situation that you both are comfortable with.
If you are getting turned off by him being like this its time for honest communication, but be prepared for the "but you always like it like this" as you have been facilitating his behaviour.

You are together 6 years now and by your own post seem to have a good communication going except in the important part of the relationship the lovemaking. (though Pi always does start with..we get on great BUT)

You also have to come around to the idea in your own head that it is perfectly acceptable to ASK for what you want. There is a tantric process for example, where after a basic honouring within the settings of the sacred space where one party says what they want and the other openly gives it. Then the roles are reversed.
It fosters the openness of asking.

Are you taking sex to seriously... no and yes
There is a time for deep intimacy and there is a time for laughter and fun and good old shagging. Often in my expreience within the framework of the same nights lovemaking.
It all depends on the energy and mood of the moment.

You may have to take a proactive approach yourself and set the room out how you like it, and give him the massages.

again work from the principle that if you want your lover to become an ecstatic lover, become one yourself.
So do to him what you would have him do to you in this instance.

Now, also be aware, he may not be used to this as he is probably thinking you enjoy the limited pleasures of a p)rn exercise. Don't get upset, its his behaviour pattern there that he has grown used to... it will take time to change. But by combining aspects of both the intimate and the raunch you should be able to expand your lovemaking into a different zone than you thought possible

LegacyUser

You've got to see things from your fellas point of view. The "romantic" style sex you are talking about is not going to fulfill his desire for raunchier more hardcore and less "emotional" sex. Although I am female, all that romantic/soppy doesnt do anything for me. Sometimes people just want a quick hard ride, its a need lots of people have and you have to recognise that.

What I am trying to say is your version of sex is as much of a turn off to him as his is to you.
Both people cant have it all their own way. He is afraid if he gives in to you on this, thats it forever, he has to have sex thats boring and takes ages for ever. But YOU have to reassure him its not, you have to make it good for him. You have to make your version contain something for him, not just stroking your hair and telling you he loves you for hours before he can get it on....you see what I mean, whats in it for him?

So if you want him to do it your way, he will have to get into that zone mentally. He will have to psych himself up with the emotions and the rest of it. Thats hard for him but he should do it even though its not his thing, he should do it for you, maybe every second time.
Funny the more he does it, he will get to like it.

Similarly, you should get into the pron thing, open your mind a bit, dress up in something filthy and go at it like mammals! Ha you know what i mean, be a brazen hussey, sure what harm, you will be getting the soppy stuff twice a week so you dont lose out!

If you are both getting fulfilled then no-one can complain and doing it the other persons way suprisingly you can get to like.

Just remember when you think you cant get into the pron style sex, you can, you are just being resistant to it, its just as hard for him to do the soppy stuff for you. You have to make some effort!!

Its a two way street.....!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

You've got to see things from your fellas point of view. The "romantic" style sex you are talking about is not going to fulfill his desire for raunchier more hardcore and less "emotional" sex. Although I am female, all that romantic/soppy doesnt do anything for me. Sometimes people just want a quick hard ride, its a need lots of people have and you have to recognise that.

What I am trying to say is your version of sex is as much of a turn off to him as his is to you.
Both people cant have it all their own way. He is afraid if he gives in to you on this, thats it forever, he has to have sex thats boring and takes ages for ever. But YOU have to reassure him its not, you have to make it good for him. You have to make your version contain something for him, not just stroking your hair and telling you he loves you for hours before he can get it on....you see what I mean, whats in it for him?

So if you want him to do it your way, he will have to get into that zone mentally. He will have to psych himself up with the emotions and the rest of it. Thats hard for him but he should do it even though its not his thing, he should do it for you, maybe every second time.
Funny the more he does it, he will get to like it.

Similarly, you should get into the pron thing, open your mind a bit, dress up in something filthy and go at it like mammals! Ha you know what i mean, be a brazen hussey, sure what harm, you will be getting the soppy stuff twice a week so you dont lose out!

If you are both getting fulfilled then no-one can complain and doing it the other persons way suprisingly you can get to like.

Just remember when you think you cant get into the pron style sex, you can, you are just being resistant to it, its just as hard for him to do the soppy stuff for you. You have to make some effort!!

Its a two way street.....!

Maybe I didn't quite explain....I have done it all, dressing up, rimming, raunchy as you like....but I've rarely gotten the soppy stuff back. Maybe I need to just ask for it more, but I wish I didn't have to. I wish it was natural and he was just willing - maybe I am not making my needs known enough.
I really like the reply above Which is about give and take, doing it your way twice a week and his the way the rest of the week.
I laughed too when I read that, seriously we only get round to it about once a week if even! More like once a fortnight, and usually I am the intiator, him sometimes.
I had a higher drive when we met but his is quite low and I suppose I've adjusted to that. Also as regards the comments above, about him stroking my hair etc and taking ages before we actually do it - sounds lovely, but he's never actually done that - its not like I am a demanding female with only my point of view in mind. I think perhaps I am being too accommodating. We have tried to discuss it in the past but he always feels I am attacking him and says it is partly my fault as I am not spontaneous enough and I should take the lead more. I've tried that a lot over the past six to eight months and it hasn't really increased his appetite/ repetoire in bed - he is not giving back. I am scared now to broach this subject because I would hate for the shi* to hit the fan and for the relationship to fall apart because fundamentally we are not sexually compatible.

But then I think - maybe no one in sexually compatible, all it takes is a bit of give an take. Asking for what you want. Oral sex for example. He rarely goes down on me, only occasionally or if asked. He asks me to go down on him practically every time. I comply. Maybe I should stop, but I don't want sex to become a battle ground.

This is worrying me now at a deep level as I fear that maybe we are missing something vital.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

There is more than ample room for both the romance and the raunch in a lovemaking session.
or even see one as developing intimacy and the other as role play.

P0rn movies are no way good as a guide for good sex in any event and that does show limited imagination tbh and is missing out on some of teh greater experiences

So talk to your partner and come to a compromise situation that you both are comfortable with.
If you are getting turned off by him being like this its time for honest communication, but be prepared for the "but you always like it like this" as you have been facilitating his behaviour.

You are together 6 years now and by your own post seem to have a good communication going except in the important part of the relationship the lovemaking. (though Pi always does start with..we get on great BUT)

You also have to come around to the idea in your own head that it is perfectly acceptable to ASK for what you want. There is a tantric process for example, where after a basic honouring within the settings of the sacred space where one party says what they want and the other openly gives it. Then the roles are reversed.
It fosters the openness of asking.

Are you taking sex to seriously... no and yes
There is a time for deep intimacy and there is a time for laughter and fun and good old shagging. Often in my expreience within the framework of the same nights lovemaking.
It all depends on the energy and mood of the moment.

You may have to take a proactive approach yourself and set the room out how you like it, and give him the massages.

again work from the principle that if you want your lover to become an ecstatic lover, become one yourself.
So do to him what you would have him do to you in this instance.

Now, also be aware, he may not be used to this as he is probably thinking you enjoy the limited pleasures of a p)rn exercise. Don't get upset, its his behaviour pattern there that he has grown used to... it will take time to change. But by combining aspects of both the intimate and the raunch you should be able to expand your lovemaking into a different zone than you thought possible

I really like this response...I am going to take your advice on board and see if we can work it out. I want him to compromise as much as I feel I am compromising but I guess that's not going to happen without open honest communication. Thing is, I just feel that he is not that pushed a lot of the time....

LegacyUser

I just wanted to urge you to think carefully before you do commit and settle down with this man. Peoples sexual styles rarely change, unless they want to. He doesnt sound like he wants to which is not good.

So you could be looking at a life of unfulfillment if you go ahead with him. You sound like you have moved mountains to compromise with him already and he has not come half way to meet you.

He doesn't initiate, he doesnt go down on you, he reacts with a tantrum when you try to discuss it and turns the blame back on you (diversionary tactic).....It also sounds like you are hesitating to articulate your needs to him, because of his overreaction when you do, accusations of "attacking" him etc. Thats just a control tactic, dont fall for it.

If you are not sexually compatable life together is going to be difficult, very, very difficult.

What will happen is he will be happy there with his once a fortnight shag and you will be slowly going out of your mind with frustration and boredom. After a few years, eventually the first man that shows you a bit of attention is going to get it. And to my mind its going to be your fellas fault. If he makes no effort then he deserves whats coming.

SpookyDoll

Hi OP,
I think if he is unwilling to even talk about the issue without becoming unreasonably defensive etc it is going to be difficult for you both to sustain a long term relationship.

It would have a chance if he aknowledged the problem and wanted to change but it sounds like he is happy as it is and prepared to muddle along that way despite your dissatisfaction.

Could you try and have a conversation with him again about it word it in such a way that he knows you are not going to be put off by dramatics....

LegacyUser

Well we've been living together now for 4 years. We get on great. This is the only thing we disagree over. We are in our early 30's. We have marriage plans. I want to work this out, I don't want to break up. I want solution, not reasons why it won't work. Yes I have been too quiet, but I will try to tackle the issue again.

I keep doubting myself you see, thinking that in some way its my fault too….he is not selfish in any other way so it makes me think that he is not being selfish and its partly my fault. He is lazy when it comes to sex. I remember our second holiday away together, we had a row about it, I asked him why he didn't seem interested as much anymore, and he said he was more interested in closeness and partnership, that it wasn't a high priority for him.

I have fancied other people and I have fantasised about having an affair, but I don't think I could ever cross the line and be unfaithful. I've always been self concious about my body and I suppose this meant that I did not take the lead sexually when we started seeing each other, so this was his reasoning at the start. But now I am not so shy and am much more forward with him and will try anything. I am also not very able when it comes to being on top, I can't get the rhythm right - I much prefer him on top - and again this is a reason why I feel I am not measuring up and thus he is not inspired by me sexually. God its hard admitting all of this, maybe I'm just a crap shag, he loves me for my personality, and that’s why things are the way they are.

Marksie

Unregistered wrote: »

But now I am not so shy and am much more forward with him and will try anything. I am also not very able when it comes to being on top, I can't get the rhythm right - I much prefer him on top - and again this is a reason why I feel I am not measuring up and thus he is not inspired by me sexually. God its hard admitting all of this, maybe I'm just a crap shag, he loves me for my personality, and that’s why things are the way they are.

No i do not believe you are but you have to believe it. There is evidence from what you post that he is compacent and can only think in one mode.

Congratulations on overcoming some of your body esteem issues, as you continue to develop you will get more confident.

As for on top... if you get cramps , then squat for ward or reverse, or put pillowws under his back to lift and give you a cushion.
But my advice is to take it slow..there is a point where you may loose control as you approach an orgasm..thats were he should take over