Not getting over her

LegacyUser

This will probably be long winded, so apologies in advance.

I broke up with a girl a few months ago, we were together for just under a year (“on and off”). We'd broken up a few times because she's a bit of a freak when it comes to romantic things, as a mutual friend put it, “she changes her mind every 10 seconds”.
This time it's completely over though, and I haven't gotten over her yet, and can't see myself ever getting over her. I know that she is completely perfect for me, and don't think I'll ever meet anyone that matches up. I get on with her better than anyone else in the world, we had an instant connection, and she is incredibly beautiful, and just an all-in-all amazing person.
The ONLY problem with her is her constant mind-changing, which makes her just want to be friends with me. And she does occasionally fall for me (hence the on / off, which is over now)

My main problem is that, while my head is trying to tell me that it will never happen, and to get over it, my heart won't let me believe that. I feel like we're meant to be together, and that the thought that we won't be is just wrong. Please keep in mind, I don't believe in fate / destiny (or using the heart to describe anything romantic) so this sounds really stupid to me, but it's how I feel.

As I mentioned, I've never met anyone more perfect for me then her, but another problem I have is low self esteem, and I'm generally useless with women. The following bit also makes the whole thing sound extra stupid: she was my first girlfriend. I know you all probably think that I need to play the field more and find out that there are more fish in the sea etc, but I know that there is nobody in the world more perfect than her.

I suppose I just need to be told that I'm wrong, and that I will get over her, because I don't see that happening.

Pj!

Feel for ya mate.
It gonna take you longer than a few months mate. It's mad, it really is mad. Like you go through school and spend years growing up, and no-one ever tells you anything about how attached you are going to get to someone and how hurt you are going to get.
I was in your position, most people were. It will take you a lot longer before you even go a day without thinking about her.
I dont really know what to say so Ill just let others say it. But I can guarantee you no-one will say to try and get back with her. In your head you know that yourself.

Karen_*

OP one of the reasons break ups hurt so badly is because we think the person was the only one we will ever love. We think its all over for us because we'll never find anyone else that matches up and we even put on the rose-tinted specs and can't find fault. So yes you are wrong. You WILL get over it and you WILL meet someone else and you'll feel the same way about them.

As Christy Hennessey sang:

I could never imagine, when I felt so high
That there could be somebody new
Better than you in my life

he felt the same as you at some stage. We all did. Try to move yourself forward and accept its going to take time to heal.

p28559

we feel your pain..perfectly normal..take it handy..dont dwell on it..go out with your mates...not chasing now..just chill.............

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

as the others have mentioned, we have all experienced what you are going through now, I'd imagine that there are very few whom will never experience it, its part of life and part of relationships.

As Karen said, you WILL someone new given time, and you'll look back and maybe thank your lucky stars that things did go wrong, thus enabling you to meet this new person.

Concentrate on yourself, dont beat yourself up over this, dont feel sorry for yourself and DONT keep reminising about the good times, they always seem great in hindsight, just remember the reasons for the break up. You mention low self asteem, perhaps this is why you feel so bad now, the connection with the girl is broken, the girl that made you feel good about yourself. You need to work on YOU, you have to sort out your issues, be happy with yourself before who can build anything solid in the future.

Time is a healer, I was told that a number of months back, I didnt believe it back then, and it was the last thing I wanted to hear, but its true. Find something new to focus your attention on, get out and meet new people and in time you will find that she wont be a priority and wont be consuming all your thoughts. Doesnt mean you will forget her, but you need to take the power back to yourself, be strong and move on with your life.

Liam Byrne

OP, I've been there....including the "hot and cold" and the illogical "but she'd be perfect otherwise"

Take all of those positive points, keep them in your head, and then ADD: "more predictable and appreciative".

Any chance you'd be happier with someone who fits THAT description ? Imagine - all the good bits that you're currently "missing", without the headwreck.

Hang tough - you'll get there. And it will be better than what you had.

I'm rarely THAT forthright with advice, but in this case I've been you, so I know. I do have the occasional "but what if" lapse, but nearly a year later I know that I'm even better off as currently single than trying to get my head around the unpredictability and having to make excuses for it.........

Best of luck!

Beetlebum

Liam Byrne wrote: »

OP, I've been there....including the "hot and cold" and the illogical "but she'd be perfect otherwise"

Take all of those positive points, keep them in your head, and then ADD: "more predictable and appreciative".

Any chance you'd be happier with someone who fits THAT description ? Imagine - all the good bits that you're currently "missing", without the headwreck.

Hang tough - you'll get there. And it will be better than what you had.

I'm rarely THAT forthright with advice, but in this case I've been you, so I know. I do have the occasional "but what if" lapse, but nearly a year later I know that I'm even better off as currently single than trying to get my head around the unpredictability and having to make excuses for it.........

Best of luck!

Think I'll take that advice on board too. It's a good way to look at things.
I remeber reading another thread that you had replied to about break ups and you were bang on with your responses. You must've been hurt baaaddd before but clearly it's made you wiser and stronger.
OP take note - You will be fine. Time really is the greatest healer as annoyingly cliched as that sounds. Be strong, you can get through it.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, does she know that you feel so storngly about her?
Because if she does, and still keeps changing her mind all the time, she's not worth it.
And if she doesn't know that you are this serious about her, just tell her and see what she has to say to that. For some reason I get a feeling there's a lack of communication there.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey OP, does she know that you feel so storngly about her?
Because if she does, and still keeps changing her mind all the time, she's not worth it.
And if she doesn't know that you are this serious about her, just tell her and see what she has to say to that. For some reason I get a feeling there's a lack of communication there.

Nope, no lack of communication, I've always been open with her about everything. She's been one of my best friends, and I have been hers, and that caused her mind to change, because she loved me "as a friend" (which she somehow realised while we were going out). During our broken up patches, we were really good friends, really close, but stuff always happened between us and that caused her mind to change back.

Thanks for the replies everyone, they're all really helping. Even just the people who've thanked posts, you've all made me realise that everyone has been or will be in my boat, and it'll all work out. I'm already thinking about her less and realising that her bad points are actually bad points, and not just "cute little eccentricities"

She Devil

You really will get over her, and you will be on our side of the fence soon!! When i say soon give it a few months, and then a few months after that. When you start meeting new people you will see there is so much to be learned from different people, good luck with it, love hurts real bad sometimes, but its just to prepare you for that really good thing out there waiting for ya, trust me its out there!!

LegacyUser

i really do feel for you bud , i was in the IDENTICAL situation 2 years ago except i was going out with mine for an extra 2 years, made the mistake of wanting to 'play the field' a bit but soon realised she was the one for me, every since (even with new girlfriends) iv wanted her back.... but what im trying to say is that the best thing to do and it really helped me cos i have fairly low self esteem too is completely surround yourself with friends and distract yourself as much as possible whether its clubbing, taking up a new hobby, emerging yourself in college/school work and sooner or later the intial heartache will subside!

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

p28559 wrote: »

we feel your pain..perfectly normal..take it handy..dont dwell on it..go out with your mates...not chasing now..just chill.............

+1

Liam Byrne

Beetlebum wrote: »

I remeber reading another thread that you had replied to about break ups and you were bang on with your responses.

Must....start....following....own....advice.....

Always easier when you're outside the box, Beetlebum.....while Nanci Griffith might have said "everything looks OK from a distance", the reverse is often the case, too, where you can't see the woods for the trees; if ya step back you can sometimes end up seeing a LOT more clearly...

Easy for others to do, but not so easy when you're there yourself.....

If you're too close to a situation, you can be banging you head off a wall; if youy step back, then 1) your head won't reach it, so you'll stop doing yourself damage, and 2) you'll realise that it's not just a boundary wall, but the Great Wall of China, and there's no way off getting around it, no matter how much you feel you want to......

homerun_homer

Time and distraction are the best medicine. It certainly is tough and dwelling on things is a bitch. Not matter how many people tell you don't dwell, you cannot just turn it off.
As they say above and as I have done - get out there, have a laugh, try avoid bumping into her (I bought a huge round of drinks last weekend to prevent all my friends from moving where we were onto a small club where I knew my ex was, that's how much I needed to avoid seeing her).
What I found the most difficult part is knowing that girls don't do the chatting up, the guys do. So when you take a pretty girl and stick her on a night out you know she will have her share of it, so that's all I could think of and know was true. It makes it tougher then to move on because you know you have to make the effort to chat to someone you like, which can be stressful in itself regardless, but you just don't have it in you. So they can get their distraction easily, but you have to work at it.

Anyway - it's working for me; Time+distraction+all your friends and aquaintances telling you they didn't like her & thought she was a bitch= really helpful
(but it can still be tough)

LegacyUser

homerun_homer wrote: »

try avoid bumping into her


What I found the most difficult part is knowing that girls don't do the chatting up, the guys do. So when you take a pretty girl and stick her on a night out you know she will have her share of it, so that's all I could think of and know was true. It makes it tougher then to move on because you know you have to make the effort to chat to someone you like, which can be stressful in itself regardless, but you just don't have it in you. So they can get their distraction easily, but you have to work at it.

OP here again
It's difficult for me to avoid bumping into her, we work in the same building and we're still friends, although things have been more weird between us lately so we rarely see each other anymore.

The chatting up part is actually a huge problem to me, because she's a really flirty person, and even when we were going out I'd see a lot of guys coming onto her. She's really naive too, and doesn't actually realise they're coming onto her. She's also really opular in work, and whenever she goes out around work there are guys coming onto her left right and center (literally).

And about the "friends telling me she's a bitch" etc, a lot of my friends grew up with her, and then there are the work friends, and there is nobody that doesn't like her. She even met my parents for the first time a few weeks ago (just as friends) and my parents loved her, and asked me why I wasn't with her when she was gone.

LegacyUser

OP,

I am in the exact same position as you..carbon copy nearly...I have the same problem with this girl. One minute she is all over me and then she is texting me saying that she cant commit. I can only tell you I think. Sometimes girls meet fellas and they think the fella is great but find its too soon in life to commit...It sometimes can be down to the fact that they have been in bad relationships before and got hurt and want to be free for a while. This girl that I have been involved with is like that. Give it time...If it's meant to happen it will happen. In the meantime try and put her out of your head..go out with your friends, occupy yourself...and give her space..that's what I am doing...It's hard but eventually you will get together with her or you will meet someone else.

Please don't worry...

homerun_homer

brokenup wrote: »

OP here again
It's difficult for me to avoid bumping into her, we work in the same building and we're still friends, although things have been more weird between us lately so we rarely see each other anymore.

The chatting up part is actually a huge problem to me, because she's a really flirty person, and even when we were going out I'd see a lot of guys coming onto her. She's really naive too, and doesn't actually realise they're coming onto her. She's also really opular in work, and whenever she goes out around work there are guys coming onto her left right and center (literally).

That's difficult enough so. I only have to avoid herself when she is home from college (which is turning out to be a lot), we know the same people and go to the same places. I am getting along great it's just I have made it clear I don't like to bump into her socially, want to avoid seeing guys chatting her up and it being so in my face as it will just bring the feelings right back.

brokenup wrote: »

And about the "friends telling me she's a bitch" etc, a lot of my friends grew up with her, and then there are the work friends, and there is nobody that doesn't like her. She even met my parents for the first time a few weeks ago (just as friends) and my parents loved her, and asked me why I wasn't with her when she was gone.

I have this luxury of being told it...a lot. She could be rude, not approachable and just a general crank so she rubbed a lot of people up the wrong way (including her own friends). So a lot of people thought personality wise I should do better than her. As I said before it's nice to hear, but doesn't just make you forget about it.
Your situation is tougher since she is liked by all. That's got to be hard but try and avoid her as much as you can for you're own benefit. The whole staying friends thing seems nice at the time etc but get yourself in a better frame of mind when it comes to your feelings for her and when things improve then being around her hopefully won't be so bad.
I hope you're in a big city (unlike me) so you can go out an have a laugh without bumping into her. Just try get meeting other girls out, it doesn't have to mean you chatting them up or anything but it will build your confidence and you never know where it will lead.

stringy

it sucks, i know how you feel, i was goin to post something like this before...

im done over a year and it still hurts, yes you think about her all the time, what to do? i dont know, i guess every one says time but its hard believing that.

the worst part part for me was that i thought i was doin ok then i find out she has new boyf, it was like the day after the break up all over again, not nice

its awful, it really is, as said earlier, nothing in life prepares you for this, no one ever tells you that its goin to be so bad.

its nice to hear (quite ironic) that there's other guys out there that feel the same, we're not alone, we know how it feels

we should start a club

you can be the smartest most clear thinking and reasonable guy in the world but you can't make sense of why you feel this way

i dont know if ive offered anything at all, but this rant felt good
thanks

Karen_*

Stringy I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Yeah sometimes the worst of the breakup is out of the way and then it hits you all over again and the pain seems to never end. But hang on in there because it WILL pass and I promise you that.

dreamer_ire

It's all part of the life process... the only successful relationship we all have is our current one (and for some people that's not even successful). The important thing is to learn from each relationship and take that into the next one whenever that happens for you. It hurts now but as time moves on you'll be able to see what this r/ship has taught you and if you learn form it it WILL make your next r/ship better. It can esp make the r/ship you have with yourself better.

Keep believing that everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is just now. It will all become clearer in time... and it will hurt a hell of a lot less. Stick with your mates for now... they'll see you through all kinds of heartache *s

gedas

Hi OP,

I know how you feel... I've been with my ex for nearly 6 years. I lived with her for 5 years and, I thought, my future is with her. Unfortunately, she didn't think about her future that way. Anyway, it's all pretty recent, and yes, it hurts every morning and every night, I cry every time I go out for a smoke. Everytime I think that there is a possibility of some other girl, I just can't imagine how this new girl could be better than the ex. And you know what? This whole thinking is starting to p1ss me off. I don't know how to cope with this yet, but I know that there is help. Yes, friends, family, new hobbies, change of scenery will help, but somehow, I think, you have to find your own way to deal with this on your own. I googled the whole heartbreak thing on the net, read numerous articles, blogs, stories of other people. But, feeling helpless as I am right now, I've decided to turn to self-help books. Search them on amazon, or your local bookshop. I've found one that really does make sense.

Anyway, I wish you strength and PEACE, and somehow I am starting to BELIEVE that everything happens for a reason...Good luck, OP.

[Jackass]

I thought I would never get over my first girlfriend either. I still look back on it with fond memories and it took me a long time to move on in my own mind. There's a "first love" syndrom that a lot of people get. I'm not messing, it's an actual thing. You make a connection with somebody you've never made with anybody else in the world before, so you attribute this connection to the person. Eventually you realise it was just infatuation and a genuine connection that infact you can and probably will have with a few other people too.

It's a great feeling when you have it, but trust me, it's not exclusive to one person. But you wont believe me, but you will eventually find out for yourself and realise everything is ok. It's perfectly normal mate, don't worry about it It just takes time. Be positive about things though and (as hard as it is) don't get too hung up on it. Give other people a chance and try and go out and enjoy yourself.