Relationship confusion

LegacyUser

Hi, think i need some opinions on this. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. i'm 20, hes 23. For the 1st year of our relationship he wasn't the nicest guy in the world but i stayed with him because i was bored and a little lonely. He started to care about me more he pulled up his socks.. the only thing is i'm not sure if that's enough anymore...

I get the feeling hes in love with the idea of me, but not actually that interested in the real me. I get the impression he looks down his nose at my family and background because there so different from his, and different is bad in his books. He shows zero interest in my college course, he wont listen when I'm talking about what I'm up to or just interrupt me, but then later in attentive boyfriend mode he will say "whats you with you these days, what modules are you doing in college again, you never mention it much" .

He works in an office now, he finished college last year so i can see how i seem young to him now but he treats me like a daughter or something.. for the last few years of college/school i have been pretty lazy with attendance and hes encouraged me to work hard etc. But now this year i really am trying and he seems to resent that its going well for me-i'm really busy and making friends(finally!) etc. Hes equally busy at work so its not that hes bored while I'm busy off in college. He basically supports and loves me with his words, not with his actions though.

The other thing that really bothers me is that hes rude to other people, in shops he'll barely say please/thank you whereas i would feel very strange walking out of a shop or whatever without saying thanks.. This gives me the idea that hes changed towards me be not really gotten any nicer as a person..

I don't know if all this stuff is ridiculous and trivial, on paper hes the perfect guy and would never purposely do anything to hurt me, am i being unfair and immature here?

Overheal

on paper hes the perfect guy

O RLY?

For the 1st year of our relationship he wasn't the nicest guy in the world ... He started to care about me more

I get the feeling hes in love with the idea of me, but not actually that interested in the real me.

I get the impression he looks down his nose at my family and background because there so different from his, and different is bad in his books.

He shows zero interest in my college course, he wont listen when I'm talking about what I'm up to or just interrupt me, but then later in attentive boyfriend mode he will say "whats you with you these days, what modules are you doing in college again, you never mention it much" .

this year i really am trying and he seems to resent that its going well for me-i'm really busy and making friends(finally!) etc. Hes equally busy at work so its not that hes bored while I'm busy off in college. He basically supports and loves me with his words, not with his actions though.

The other thing that really bothers me is that hes rude to other people, in shops he'll barely say please/thank you whereas i would feel very strange walking out of a shop or whatever without saying thanks.. This gives me the idea that hes changed towards me be not really gotten any nicer as a person..

That post seemed to paint an almost entirely negative character. So is there anything else not listed here that makes you think its worth staying for, or is this everything right here?

LegacyUser

1. I used to go out with a girl who never listened to me and interupted me and changed topic while I was mid story/sentence. I had to end the relationship as conversations never went anywhere and I was basically being ignored.

2. I stopped hanging around with a friend of mine recently as she was rude to people and generally impolite to people she didn't know. e.g. if someone bumped into her in the pub accidentally, she'd be very aggressive towards them... or she'd take offence at someone sitting too near her in a cafe.

There are lots of nice people out there with a genuine interest in other people - find yourself one of them.

StormWarrior

He sounds horrible, and like he's just using you. You don't even have anything nice to say about him, and admit you're only with him because you're bored and lonely. I think you should dump him, and get yourself a hobby so you can make new friends and not be so bored that you need to stay with someone you don't appear to like or respect.

p28559

your 20...your seeing him 3 years...maybe you have just grown apart..it does happen..i dont remember anaylsising my relationships like you have done at the age of 20 or even 30...maybe i should have....maybe take a break in the run up to your finals...absence can make the heart grow fonder...it also allows you too see the wood from the trees..

Oryx

What you have posted is hardly inspirational. Not exactly what you should aspire to in a relationship. Now, Im all for long term couples working through their differences, and if you were married with kids, and dealing with a personality like his, I would see how you would need to try and work with him in making things better.

But you are 20, and youre making excuses for a guy who, by the sounds of it, is not a very nice person. You are young and have no need to be tied to this kind of bad behaviour, which I promise you usually worsens with age. Anyway, you sound in your post like your tired of it, and want someone to tell you its ok to break up with him.

Here: Its ok to break up with him, if you want to.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and advice I know this isn't a big problem, but i just needed some impartial input.

I know i didn't say any of the good things about him in the initial message which wasn't a balanced portrayal of him.. I love him yes and he is a nice guy.. but maybe just not right for me after all. He does love me and tell me I'm beautiful all the time etc. basically a bebo profile description of the perfect guy. Hes a generous guy, as I'm still in college and not earning much he has no problem paying for stuff alot though i'll always offer to pay and often do.

I feel guilty for this not being enough for me, especially when you read some of the stories in PI about horrendous OHs i should be happy I'm with one of the good ones.

Its funny though because all the things that are issues for me now are all the reasons i had reservations about him in the beginning. I think who we want to be are different people, which was always the case. I've always been a little different and though at times I've tried to fit in more I think I'm ultimately happy to be a little different. He will always want to fit in..

MagicMarker

StormWarrior wrote: »

He sounds horrible, and like he's just using you.

Really? Sounds like the other way round to me.

Unregistered wrote: »

he wasn't the nicest guy in the world but i stayed with him because i was bored and a little lonely.

What i'm reading from the OP is a girl who's seeing the absolute worst in her boyfriend and i have a feeling it's very one sided because he really doesn't sound all that bad to me.

OP, doesn't really sound like you like your boyfriend, i wouldn't break up if i were you.

Overheal

MagicMarker wrote: »

OP, doesn't really sound like you like your boyfriend, i wouldn't break up if i were you.

Its not worth breaking up over, no. But I wouldn't dismiss it. You've been together 3 years, I assume you can be candid enough with eachother to talk about whats bothering you like adults?

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

Really? Sounds like the other way round to me.



What i'm reading from the OP is a girl who's seeing the absolute worst in her boyfriend and i have a feeling it's very one sided because he really doesn't sound all that bad to me.

OP, doesn't really sound like you like your boyfriend, i wouldn't break up if i were you.

I know hes not a bad guy and yes everything I've said here would be the worst of him because I'm trying to figure out whether this stuff is normal relationship stuff or not..

I've tried to talk to him on the manners thing and he says either the staff weren't giving him him there full attention or that he doesn't notice hes doing it/forgets/ is too preoccupied. Its kind of like i'v been teaching him to think more about other people and be more accepting of difference(eg. homosexuality, people on social welfare or simply some one having blue hair). But is this right? I shouldn't try to change him i should love him the way he is already..

Overheal

Theres nothing wrong with trying to persuade someone to be more empathetic, imo.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

I shouldn't try to change him i should love him the way he is already..

I don't think there is a problem with helping people to (self) improve.

Its not like you are banning him from sports and sending him to crochet classes*.


* Nothing against crochet, its just not everyone "cup of tea".**
** Nothing for or against tea.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

I know hes not a bad guy and yes everything I've said here would be the worst of him because I'm trying to figure out whether this stuff is normal relationship stuff or not..

I've tried to talk to him on the manners thing and he says either the staff weren't giving him him there full attention or that he doesn't notice hes doing it/forgets/ is too preoccupied. Its kind of like i'v been teaching him to think more about other people and be more accepting of difference(eg. homosexuality, people on social welfare or simply some one having blue hair). But is this right? I shouldn't try to change him i should love him the way he is already..

Regarding the manners, it's a sad state of affairs but i find the irish in general need to improve on this.

pretty-in-pink

OP, you said he looks down on you right?

If he wants to look down on other people, thats an issue he needs to work on, but looking down on your OH? Thats not right.

I know they say you love someone for who they are, but sometimes peopleneed to change some of their trais. You used to be lazy, now you're not. You can't change everything about someone, but some traits...well thay have to go.

It might just be a bad patch you guys can work on, however it might be also be time to move on.

The love of your life right now is not always the same person you will want to be with when you're 25, 30 etc. I'd advise talking to him about how you are feeling, an take it from there. Ultimatley, no matter what anyone here or in the RW says, three votes are gonna make your mind up for you-your heart, your head and your libido. Vote carefully...

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I know hes not a bad guy and yes everything I've said here would be the worst of him because I'm trying to figure out whether this stuff is normal relationship stuff or not..

Fairy nuff'.

I've tried to talk to him on the manners thing and he says either the staff weren't giving him him there full attention or that he doesn't notice hes doing it/forgets/ is too preoccupied.

He's hardly royalty, did he notice other people in the place as well?

Its kind of like i'v been teaching him to think more about other people and be more accepting of difference(eg. homosexuality, people on social welfare or simply some one having blue hair).

You aren't his mother, and he deson't sound 23 anyway.

But is this right? I shouldn't try to change him i should love him the way he is already..

Well there's no point in staying with him if he isn't sound. He doesn't listen to you when you want to say something and what you may say about him being nice to you and telling you your beautiful etc... It's always on his terms. He decides when to listen etc... I'll be honest, he sounds like a tosser and you shouldn't be with someone because your bored. There's a lot of good men out there, but your one needs a little more growing up to do.