Slept with friends ex

LegacyUser · 14-10-2008 08:38PM #1

Appologies if this is a bit long.
I was out in a club on saturday night and got talking to a group of girls, just having general banter. Really started to hit it off with one and after a few drinks ended up going out for a smoke with her. We stayed outside for about an hour, getting on great but then I found out she was seeing a friend of mine a few months back but it hadnt worked out. My friend had told me about this girl but I had never met her.
She invited me back to her place for a few drinks as her friends were also going back. I told her, nothing could happen as I wouldnt do it to my friend. Anyway I was playing golf with him the next morn blah blah.
To cut a long story short, I went back and ended up sleeping with her. The next day, I met my friend but didnt say anything to him.
Since saturday, this girl has been texting me. Ive been replying but keeping it short. I want to cut ties as I know what did was sh!t on my friend. I like this girl but dont want to risk losing a good friend. Dont know how to let the girl know as she keeps telling me its a stupid excuse.

My friend was only seeing her for 5 weeks and he broke it off, but I feel he'll take it personally if I was to go out with her. Also I wouldnt like it done to me. How can I let this girl down without being a furtrher d!ck

ps I know I should never of gone back - hindsight is a great thing

Davei141 · 14-10-2008 08:56PM

5 Weeks and he broke it off with her? I dont think he will give a damn tbh.

abi2007 · 14-10-2008 08:58PM

If it was only 5 weeks that's ok. My friend started dating a guy I dated and now they're very happy together with a 5 year old. You can't control who you like so why not?

DanOB · 14-10-2008 09:02PM

he clearly doesnt care about the girl all that much.. i say go for it, every hole's a goal anyway

abi2007 · 14-10-2008 09:08PM

DanOB wrote: »

he clearly doesnt care about the girl all that much.. i say go for it, every hole's a goal anyway

Men you say the nicest things

Heathen · 14-10-2008 09:13PM

ah it was only five weeks man, if you get on with her than i say rock on man!!

davyjose · 14-10-2008 09:22PM

Scope it out with your mate - don't tell him you shagged her, but tell him you bumped into her and got her number. you should be able to judge by that.
TBH, he's being a bit of a cock-blocker if he does object. 5 weeks is nothing.

randylonghorn · 14-10-2008 11:01PM

5 weeks ... a few months ago ... he broke it off?

Meh!

Anyone who thinks he has a reason to object under those circumstances needs to grow up, tbh.

I certainly wouldn't have a problem.

nkay1985 · 15-10-2008 08:00AM

This in no violates man code. That's all you need to know!

If it only lasted 5 weeks, he has no claim. If he broke up with her, he really has no claim. If you got on well with this girl, you owe it to yourself and to her to give it a shot.

I was meeting this girl for a while a few years ago. She said she wanted to go out or break it off altogether. She was never going to be someone I could have had a relationship with so I said we'd just call it quits. Cut to two months later. She's going out with my best friend and I'm going out with her cousin who I'm now engaged to!

If you like her, just tell your friend you met her, got on really well and kissed, and that you like her and would like to see where it leads. If you don't like her, you have to just tell her that and not use your friend as an excuse.

james123 · 15-10-2008 09:03AM

This is a no go area
It can cause break up of friendships for good, is it worth it.
Tell her it shouldnt of happened and good bye

petethebrick · 15-10-2008 09:12AM

james123 wrote: »

This is a no go area
It can cause break up of friendships for good, is it worth it.
Tell her it shouldnt of happened and good bye

Bollocks - his mate only saw her for a few weeks and he broke it off => no problem. If your mate does have a problem with it he's being a tool to be honest

nkay1985 · 15-10-2008 09:19AM

petethebrick wrote: »

Bollocks - his mate only saw her for a few weeks and he broke it off => no problem. If your mate does have a problem with it he's being a tool to be honest

+1 and he'd need to be told so in no uncertain terms. Wouldn't be your place to do so, but a mutual friend would need to set him straight.

oq4v3ht0u76kf2 · 15-10-2008 11:08AM

This rule only applies when the guy was emotionally into the girl, which there's no way he was after five weeks and broke it off.

If he had any problem at all with you and this girl giving it a shot he needs to cop on, any objections he has could only be grounded in jealousy in which case you should rub it in! :P

Linoge · 15-10-2008 11:22AM

james123 wrote: »

This is a no go area
It can cause break up of friendships for good, is it worth it.
Tell her it shouldnt of happened and good bye

James... you sound more like a Jenny

Colonel_McCoy · 15-10-2008 11:22AM

5 weeks is nothing, if you like her go after her.

sprinklesspanky · 15-10-2008 11:25AM

unreg j wrote: »

Appologies if this is a bit long.
I was out in a club on saturday night and got talking to a group of girls, just having general banter. Really started to hit it off with one and after a few drinks ended up going out for a smoke with her. We stayed outside for about an hour, getting on great but then I found out she was seeing a friend of mine a few months back but it hadnt worked out. My friend had told me about this girl but I had never met her.
She invited me back to her place for a few drinks as her friends were also going back. I told her, nothing could happen as I wouldnt do it to my friend. Anyway I was playing golf with him the next morn blah blah.
To cut a long story short, I went back and ended up sleeping with her. The next day, I met my friend but didnt say anything to him.
Since saturday, this girl has been texting me. Ive been replying but keeping it short. I want to cut ties as I know what did was sh!t on my friend. I like this girl but dont want to risk losing a good friend. Dont know how to let the girl know as she keeps telling me its a stupid excuse.

My friend was only seeing her for 5 weeks and he broke it off, but I feel he'll take it personally if I was to go out with her. Also I wouldnt like it done to me. How can I let this girl down without being a furtrher d!ck

ps I know I should never of gone back - hindsight is a great thing

Meh. It was months ago like; you're grand.

15-10-2008 11:28AM

Sounds like there should be no problem. worth checking for sure that he actually broke it off and that it wasn't her...

biko · 15-10-2008 11:32AM

First of all: you said you wouldn't but then you went and did it anyway...

OT, bring it up with him casually that you met her out and got on great. Say "I don't see why you dumped her, she's great" and gauge his reactions. Then move on to "I might see her again, hope that's ok with you?"

At the end of the day you owe yourself to be happy, you don't owe anyone else.

Tigger · 15-10-2008 11:33AM

petethebrick wrote: »

Bollocks - his mate only saw her for a few weeks and he broke it off => no problem. If your mate does have a problem with it he's being a tool to be honest

this is why mobiles exist he shoulda asked first

nkay1985 · 15-10-2008 11:37AM

Tigger wrote: »

this is why mobiles exist he shoulda asked first

Yeah, you have to ask permission from your friend. Now that's bollocks!

Text message reads:

"Hey. Im about to get a shag off your ex. That alright?"

Don't think so.

SpookyDoll · 15-10-2008 11:42AM

No way you should you be "asking" your mate for permission.
He dumped her, they only went out for 5 weeks, they weren't, engaged, married, got a gaff/kids together......

This is a straightforward case of "alls fair in love and war"

Dont "ask" the mate, tell the mate you like her and you are going to be with her. If he has a problem with that, tell him he's a petty begrudger/dog in the manger and do it anyway, he'll get over it.

Doubt it will come to that though, if your mate is reasonable he will say "fair play" and get on with it!!!

Tigger · 15-10-2008 11:43AM

nkay1985 wrote: »

Yeah, you have to ask permission from your friend. Now that's bollocks!

Text message reads:

"Hey. Im about to get a shag off your ex. That alright?"

Don't think so.

i think a call woul;d be more seemley

dude why the anger

man code suggests that he has to be told
it'll hold up better in man court if he is told in advance the code states that he has to say its ok but that at least one attempt to contact him should be made

Tigger · 15-10-2008 11:44AM

SpookyDoll wrote: »

No way you should you be "asking" your mate for permission.
He dumped her, they only went out for 5 weeks, they weren't, engaged, married, got a gaff/kids together......

This is a straightforward case of "alls fair in love and war"

Dont "ask" the mate, tell the mate you like her and you are going to be with her. If he has a problem with that, tell him he's a petty begrudger/dog in the manger and do it anyway, he'll get over it.

Doubt it will come to that though, if your mate is reasonable he will say "fair play" and get on with it!!!

erxactly he has to pretend to ask but tell really but the call should be made

as sun tzu says its important to maintain the higher ground

Mr. Presentable · 15-10-2008 11:47AM

You're over thinking the relationship. You did what you did, you're not hurting anyone.

All that's in doubt is the maturity of your friend and how he deals with you seeing this girl. And that's his problem not yours.

rathbaner · 15-10-2008 03:59PM

Live your life to the full. Don't waste time pissing about like this.

Buzzmund · 15-10-2008 04:07PM

you should try and sleep with your friends mother, then he wont care about the other one

event · 15-10-2008 04:50PM

Tigger wrote: »

i think a call woul;d be more seemley

dude why the anger

man code suggests that he has to be told
it'll hold up better in man court if he is told in advance the code states that he has to say its ok but that at least one attempt to contact him should be made

what, while she is lying in bed, legs open, he nips to the jacks first

OP: Well john, hows things. You know that bird you were with a couple of months ago? You know her, the one you were with for 5 weeks? yeah her. Well im about to do the bould thing with her, do you mind?

and as for the part in bold, you sound like you're 16

Dave147 · 15-10-2008 04:59PM

Absolutely, if it was me I wouldn't even be remotely upset.. You hadn't even met her before either.

15-10-2008 05:12PM

DanOB wrote: »

he clearly doesnt care about the girl all that much.. i say go for it, every hole's a goal anyway

Quite ironic as he was playing golf beforehand haha

kinetic · 15-10-2008 05:14PM

Jesus its 2008, tell him about her, organise a three some and every ones a winner!

Redpunto · 15-10-2008 05:18PM

If you dont want the relationship with her to go any further then tell her sooner rather than later, it does sound like shes like you though so have the decency to ring her and tell her it thats the case.

dreamer_ire · 15-10-2008 05:25PM

Hmmmm so what bit makes u a dick... sleeping with her when u thought (and said) you shouldn't or not telling your mate??? FFS tell him and move on man, you did it end of story, but let her know either way what's happening... it certainly makes you a dick if you don't at least speak to her!

Marksie · 15-10-2008 05:38PM

Buzzmund: Banned one week

Kinetic: Infracted and cisk warned: off topic unhelpful posting

Wheresmejumper8 · 15-10-2008 08:28PM

Having a conscionus like that must be like a bag of spuds weighing ya down!

If you want a way out, you could meet her again then let on to your mate that you only figured out who she "was" after the deed was done the first night. Feign your innocence... blah blah

Or - just get over it. 5 weeks - sure its hardly a broken marraige!

Tigger · 16-10-2008 10:58AM

event wrote: »

what, while she is lying in bed, legs open, he nips to the jacks first

something like that

OP: Well john, hows things. You know that bird you were with a couple of months ago? You know her, the one you were with for 5 weeks? yeah her. Well im about to do the bould thing with her, do you mind?

could be p[ut better women have names you know

and as for the part in bold, you sound like you're 16

thats very helpful what has my age got to do with anything

LegacyUser · 16-10-2008 11:29AM

I find myself in disagreement with most of the posters here.

There are different standards of emotional attachment for different people. It may be that the friend experienced those 5 months with an unusual emotional attachment. Some allowance ought to be made for this, especially in friendship. This doesn't amount to saying you should deprive yourself, or defer in all situations to your friend, but it does amount to saying that a certain amount of respect and caution concerning the feelings of your friend is a good thing, and that said respect and caution oughtn't to be discarded the moment you think you can get your rocks off (because what sort of a friend would that make you?)

You ought to treat the situation delicately until you know you no longer need do so.

A dearth of information makes things very vague: Was it the friend who broke up? Did he do so because he wasn't sold on her, or because she did something that hurt him badly? Is he the sort of person who gets emotionally attached quickly, and is he the sort of person for whom this sort of thing is not to be taken likely? I seemed to get the impression, when you talked of only hearing of this girl from your friend, that he had talked about her a lot since they broke up. Perhaps I'm wrong about that.

I think, whichever way you go, you should talk to your mate about it. Be understanding. Don't sell yourself completely out of pocket. But a heads-up among friends is a good thing. One thing others have mentioned which seems wrong to me: thinking he's being a prat for not capitulating. As I said, there can be different standards for different people of emotional attachment. If he's really a friend, and if you really like her, it might be possible for such a person to put aside their feelings, however strong, and give you the nod. But that isn't something you can expect someone to do.

You certainly shouldn't just get annoyed with him if you discover resistance - that would be tantamount to assuming before you ask him what the verdict is going to have to be. If you're doing that, you will run the risk of chilled relations with him. What sort of a friend would you be to expect a certain answer from him, and if he doesn't give it, because of involuntary emotional commitments on his part, trash the friendship? I divine in your OP a larger amount of respect for your friendship than that. I think that's a good thing. Friendship is a lot rarer than it should be, in the present time. Many today see no problem with rampant egoism, and believe friendship is the vehicle that runs on nothing at all. Your intuitions, it seems, are different, and I would fain call them better. Looking after those around you, and their feelings, is the best way to look after yourself.

You must also have a care for the girl, in all of this. She may not see why you're doing this. That might not be helped. But you must approach both situations with a steady and gentle hand, and moving things forward by talking to your friend will expedite your being able to give the girl a solid answer.

hussey · 16-10-2008 12:07PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I find myself in disagreement with most of the posters here.

There are different standards of emotional attachment for different people. It may be that the friend experienced those 5 months with an unusual emotional attachment. ......

5 weeks massive difference, and yes his mate dumped her a few months ago

LegacyUser · 16-10-2008 09:01PM

hussey wrote: »

5 weeks massive difference, and yes his mate dumped her a few months ago

I recall being devastated for a long time after a fling of a few days fell apart. I then watched the individual consort with two close friends consecutively, over the course of a few months, who had not known of my connexion with her. I endured, because I thought it was only proper to do so, and I'm stronger for it now, but I was bloody miserable for a long while.

You really can't know what's going on in people's heads. That's not to say that that's what's going on here, but it seemed to me that many of the posters on this thread were entirely too quick to assume a universal standard by which 5 weeks is too little time for someone to get emotionally attached. And as someone who cares about his friends, it seems to me that the OP would, as I would, probably feel more comfortable if he plans for the remote possibility that his friend might have his feelings hurt by the OP's actions. This doesn't mean he must abstain - but it does suggest caution. And that was all I was suggesting.

Being friends with someone isn't a case of holding them to universal standards. You have to care about the people you know, and know their weaknesses and their flaws, and if you want to remain close to them, you have to respect (at least some of) those weaknesses and flaws (especially the ones that are involuntary).

Slept with friends ex

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