Falling badly for a friend

olazabal

Ok, i'll keep this as short as possible.

My head is wrecked the last few months.

I'm 30. I would be considered relatively good looking and have a good set of friends, a good job but I am extremely shy and as a result have always had difficult in meeting girls.

I became quiet good friends with one girl that I worked with. She was in a relationship at the time she started in my office and this broke up after a year. A few months later she moved on but we stayed in contact, speak to each other several times a week and meet up quiet regularly. We are in the same line of work and she would contact me quite often for assistance and advice. She is good looking, great fun, and talks a lot about looking to meet someone and settle down. She is the opposite of myself and very outgoing.

My problem is that I want to cross the boundary between being friends and trying a relationship. I think she sees me as more of a father figure! I have it bad - thinking about her first thing in the morning, looking forward to her calls, disappointed when I don't hear, and yet afraid of ruining a friendship and her not being there at all.

I am often slagged at work, and she is often slagged about us and takes it in her stride because she is an outrageous flirt.

It seems a bit desparate I know but has anybody any advice. My shyness is killing me! I know I should say something but to work up to that.............. I don't want to leave it too long because that chance won't stay.

drunkmonkey

sounds like she's wondering whats taking you so long;)...

take her out for dinner, have a bottle of wine, get a little tipsy, touch her hand, tell her you really like her and smile....then let her speak next...

go for it...best of luck chap;)

olazabal

Thanks - I'm my own worst enemy really.

What I don't want to do is lose her a friend - I value her friendship.

Some of the signals I get are positive - others just say no way

wasper

olazabal wrote: »

Ok, i'll keep this as short as possible.

My head is wrecked the last few months.

I'm 30. I would be considered relatively good looking and have a good set of friends, a good job but I am extremely shy and as a result have always had difficult in meeting girls.

I became quiet good friends with one girl that I worked with. She was in a relationship at the time she started in my office and this broke up after a year. A few months later she moved on but we stayed in contact, speak to each other several times a week and meet up quiet regularly. We are in the same line of work and she would contact me quite often for assistance and advice. She is good looking, great fun, and talks a lot about looking to meet someone and settle down. She is the opposite of myself and very outgoing.

My problem is that I want to cross the boundary between being friends and trying a relationship. I think she sees me as more of a father figure! I have it bad - thinking about her first thing in the morning, looking forward to her calls, disappointed when I don't hear, and yet afraid of ruining a friendship and her not being there at all.

I am often slagged at work, and she is often slagged about us and takes it in her stride because she is an outrageous flirt.

It seems a bit desparate I know but has anybody any advice. My shyness is killing me! I know I should say something but to work up to that.............. I don't want to leave it too long because that chance won't stay.

You can not go tormenting yourself wondering is she interested or not? Find the courage & tell her about your feelings. I think she knows you by now as a sincere & serious person. She will warm up to you.
And if you get rejected it's not the end of the world.

JDLK

olazabal wrote: »

Thanks - I'm my own worst enemy really.

What I don't want to do is lose her a friend - I value her friendship.

Some of the signals I get are positive - others just say no way

I have to laugh when I hear people say this. You dont want to lose her as a friend????

First off, friends arent people you wake up thinking about everyday- your mates are the lads (or lassies) you go drinking with that you can make a complete dick of yourself in front of without worrying about losing "cool" points. The fact you want a romantic relationship with this girl means you dont see her as a friend.

Second, you're worried about risking the realtionship that you have at the moment should it all go wrong- lets examine that. The current relationship mainly involves you pining for her and torturing yourself thinking about being in a romantic relationship with her which wouldnt be a huge loss either way, i mean even if you didnt get her at least you would get out from underneath the whole "secret admirer" thing

Ask her out- best thing that can happen is you 2 end up together, worst thing that can happen is she doesnt want anything more to do with you and you can move on- its a pretty good deal either way.

Wagon

JDLK wrote: »

I have to laugh when I hear people say this. You dont want to lose her as a friend????

First off, friends arent people you wake up thinking about everyday- your mates are the lads (or lassies) you go drinking with that you can make a complete dick of yourself in front of without worrying about losing "cool" points. The fact you want a romantic relationship with this girl means you dont see her as a friend.

Second, you're worried about risking the realtionship that you have at the moment should it all go wrong- lets examine that. The current relationship mainly involves you pining for her and torturing yourself thinking about being in a romantic relationship with her which wouldnt be a huge loss either way, i mean even if you didnt get her at least you would get out from underneath the whole "secret admirer" thing

Ask her out- best thing that can happen is you 2 end up together, worst thing that can happen is she doesnt want anything more to do with you and you can move on- its a pretty good deal either way.

He's right. "My head is melted" isn't exactly a good attribute to a friendship is it? Give it a go, you'll be over it in a week

olazabal

In fairness there is alot in what you say JDLK. We were good friends though before something clicked!

Overcoming my shyness is probably my biggest obstacle. I think I have to find out one or the other. I wouldn't like her to think that things that I did for her were simply because of feelings that I had.

My head is mush so I'm going to just set up the opportunity and confront my fears! If she is interested well then its a win win!!

Jack Sheehan

Just do it, you'll always wonder why you didn't.

Colonel_McCoy

Time to bust a move or she will be with somebody else! At least you will know if she shoots you down

olazabal

So today was to be the day - met her for lunch, but of course chickened out.

My self-confidence is really low and it is that fear of rejection that lead me to do nothing. I'm so angry with myself.

I keep wondering if she felt the same way why has she not said anything? Will she ever? I know she won't. I've nothing to lose at the end of the day except embarassing her, or embarassing myself.

Has anybody any good tips as to how I should approach this - what would be the best thing to say/do?

I have to deal with it either way because it is getting me down and dominating much of my thoughts

Wibbs

OK Two choices; 1. Do nothing, continue as is and not get anywhere with her. 2. Tell her and see what's what. Number 2 at least has the hope that something may happen. Number 2 means nothing will ever happen and you'll still be moping over her while some other bloke who actually gets his fingers out and goes for it gets her. As you're 30 and not 13, I'm sorry to say number 2 is really your only option self respect wise.

Red Alert

There's always the possibility also that you might not get a definitive answer - I know because this has happened to me. She might not know what to make of the situation, and in my case she told me she was "confused" about the whole thing. I'm still unsure about what to do... Part of me is inclined to leave it, but I'd really like to know exactly where we stand.

Still though I think asking her is the best option.

drunkmonkey

Wibbs wrote: »

OK Two choices; .

here's a 3rd, organise to go to a gig, see a band, have a dance,go for dinner, whatever...

have the night of your lives, go out relax, forget about you liking her etc...see can you both go out and have a serious party nite....all going well and when your walking her home.....drop the nuke "Hey Sarah, you know I really like you" " I like you to Georgie" " I don't think you understand Sarah, I really really like you" "Yea I know Georgie, I really like you 2"...

I'd really like to kiss you now(make sure to smile and cry at the same time)

One of 4 things will happen....You get the girl and live happy ever after(this rarley happens, don't be 2 upset if it doesn't, you tried)

You get the girl, she's a crap kisser, you fall for another girl....

She runs a mile, Calls u in the morning, you say you had way 2 much to drink, she laughs it off and you go back to living the dream)

She marrys someone else, she asks you to do a reading at her wedding, you standing at the alter wondering why you didn't knock off Tanya from the roma cafe while you had the chance....

dude get in there....

either way you've got noting to loose and everything to gain....

Wibbs

Red Alert wrote: »

There's always the possibility also that you might not get a definitive answer - I know because this has happened to me. She might not know what to make of the situation, and in my case she told me she was "confused" about the whole thing. I'm still unsure about what to do... Part of me is inclined to leave it, but I'd really like to know exactly where we stand.

Still though I think asking her is the best option.

I have to say and this is only my take, but "confused" in my experience can be translated as "I don't know, but I'm hedging my bets and I don't want to lose you for the moment(for various reasons)".

When you're actually into someone you're not confused. You're into her and you're not. See what I mean?

Phlann

For the love of god, don't do it.

You say she's extrovert, a flirt, you see her pretty regularly... well here's the scoop: if all of the above is true and she's never made a move or demonstrated any real interest... well, it's 99% certain that she's not interested. I get the impression that you probably already know that, but I'm guessing you'll still cling onto that little bit of hope and ask her out anyway and most likely feck it all up. Just don't say you weren't warned!

What you should do (but probably won't) is scale back the amount of time you spend with her until you can learn to appreciate her as a friend and nothing more. As it is you're just going to drive yourself nuts hanging out with her all the time (or screw everything up by asking her out).

I know that's not the lovely, happy, 'fortune favours the brave' type of advice that maybe you want to hear, but I really think it's the right option.

JDLK

olazabal wrote: »

So today was to be the day - met her for lunch, but of course chickened out.

My self-confidence is really low and it is that fear of rejection that lead me to do nothing. I'm so angry with myself.

I keep wondering if she felt the same way why has she not said anything? Will she ever? I know she won't. I've nothing to lose at the end of the day except embarassing her, or embarassing myself.

Has anybody any good tips as to how I should approach this - what would be the best thing to say/do?

I have to deal with it either way because it is getting me down and dominating much of my thoughts

Go out for drinks together, get locked, go dancing, drop the hand and/or smack the lips on her

Its pretty much what we Irish people have been doing since the dawn of time (when I say time I mean Guinness) and its a tried and tested formula

Even if she tells you to pi55 off you can always blame it on the drink- no harm no foul

BobTheBeat

drunkmonkey wrote: »

sounds like she's wondering whats taking you so long;)...

take her out for dinner, have a bottle of wine, get a little tipsy, touch her hand, tell her you really like her and smile....then let her speak next...

go for it...best of luck chap;)

Drunkmonkey, you should be writing books. Cheesy brilliantness!

But true cheesy brilliantness. There is no other way to go about it, other than to make your feelings known. You'll be relieved when it happens, whatever way it turns out.