Sexual repression is holding me back

LegacyUser · 13-10-2008 5:01pm #1

28yo male. Have a good history with women. Slept around (a lot) back in the day. Never had a problem picking up females before. Not boasting, just getting the background story straight.
5 years ago had my heart broken by a girl and ever since I haven't really been back in the saddle. Since her I've had 4 sexual partners. I'm not saying I want to slut it up again, but I am a tad lonely. It's been 17 months since the last time I got laid and now my problem is I'm actually terrified of sex/intimacy!

I know a girl at the moment is into me and "my old self" would have taken her home last Saturday, but I just can't do it anymore. I freeze. I'm very friendly, but when someone is trying to get my attention, I physically turn away or try to find something that I have to do.

I have quite low-self esteem these days and am constantly worried about my weight, appearance etc.

I have a bad feeling this is gonna drive me mental, but I really don't want to (can't) go down the *adopts manly voice* "pick up a bird at some meat market and get it over and done with" route. I'm absolutely petrified!

Any thoughts?

Marksie · 13-10-2008 5:08pm

Yes: have you thought about exploring (neo) Tantra, its a means of rediscovering intimacy, self esteem and connecting with your sexual self at its simplest.

unhappycamper · 13-10-2008 5:12pm

I am fed up looking at my reflection in the mirror and photographs so I did a week exercise program on Excel and I hope to stick to it and improve my physical self. After getting dumped I have put on weight, it's time to beef up or beef out. I still get attention but it is hard to make the extra physical move on a girl when I am not 100% happy with my physique.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 13-10-2008 5:16pm

Sounds like its mainly to do with your weight/appearance issue, gym will quickly fix that. Like a few weeks, honestly. You'll notice the physical & psychological change very quickly if you're somewhere with decent staff

LegacyUser · 13-10-2008 5:18pm

Marksie wrote: »

Yes: have you thought about exploring (neo) Tantra, its a means of rediscovering intimacy, self esteem and connecting with your sexual self at its simplest.

Honestly, no. Would it not be strange for a single guy to go on a Tantra course?

Unhappycamper wrote:

I am fed up looking at my reflection in the mirror and photographs so I did a week exercise program on Excel and I hope to stick to it and improve my physical self. After getting dumped I have put on weight, it's time to beef up or beef out. I still get attention but it is hard to make the extra physical move on a girl when I am not 100% happy with my physique.

Yeah, I kinda feel the same way. This is where my low-self esteem comes into it. The old, "If I can't love myself, how can I love another?"
I honestly feel I'm nowhere near good enough for someone else. I feel, if I do manage to get involved with someone, I'm dragging them down to my level, but I can't seem to get any other idea into my head.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2008 5:21pm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Sounds like its mainly to do with your weight/appearance issue, gym will quickly fix that. Like a few weeks, honestly. You'll notice the physical & psychological change very quickly if you're somewhere with decent staff

I'm pretty certain it's not that. It is a major factor, but it's more that I have a fear of women/intimacy. As I said, I know that there is a girl that is into me, but I'm terrified of moving in on her.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 13-10-2008 6:01pm

Gmale wrote: »

I'm pretty certain it's not that. It is a major factor, but it's more that I have a fear of women/intimacy. As I said, I know that there is a girl that is into me, but I'm terrified of moving in on her.

I think your body image could subconsciously be fuelling that fear of intimacy.

You mentioned you were broken hearted before, how do you fell about that girl now, in what way did it end?

Marksie · 13-10-2008 6:04pm

Gmale wrote: »

Honestly, no. Would it not be strange for a single guy to go on a Tantra course?

No not at all, i do all the time.

There are plenty of books and resources available. One on one training is for both singles and couples.

Have a look around at whats being said, plus courses are there to get you going, a lot of the work you do yourself. Though it does help to have someone to guide you now and again

LegacyUser · 13-10-2008 7:04pm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I think your body image could subconsciously be fuelling that fear of intimacy.

You mentioned you were broken hearted before, how do you fell about that girl now, in what way did it end?

Quite possibly. I'm not very confident in my own skin at present. The whole reason, I'm trying to figure this out is a friend was talking to me the other day as she has noticed some changes in me recently. I'm withdrawn, confident in talking to females, yet not having any interest in taking it one step further, so you could say it has been on my mind the last while.

The ex... It was a whirlwind romance that I never got over. I met up with her recently and didn't like her that much, yet still felt incredible around her. She changed from being quite the free spirit to a cynic. Which pained me somewhat. We still do strange things, like I sent her a message on facebook the other day and she replied to say how weird it was, as she had just put up a picture of us from our time together, or the time I was discussing her with my counsellor, not having talked to or about her for about a year, when as I was leaving, I got a text from her, just saying that she was thinking about me. She's the only girl/woman that I would've given everything up for. It's a tough rut to get out of.
Our breakup was especially painful, it came out of the blue and I was left reeling for weeks on end. She moved country following our break up, where I dropped evrything and followed her over. After 6 months (and no restraining order!) I accepted it was over. On my return to Ireland I honestly felt like that was the last fight of my life. I just had no interest anymore. That was 5 years ago. I had 2 relationships with pre-determined endings (they were foreign students in Ireland for a year). I was with them more out of habit than any real lust or emotion, it just felt good to have a girlfriend.
I haven't thought about her in this much detail in a long long time.

Guess I still have a way to go. But 5 years? Surely there must be something I can do to fast forward this? But when you've had everything you've ever wanted/desired in one partner, everything else seems to fall into second place.

Sorry for the long post.

Wibbs · 13-10-2008 7:48pm

Gmale wrote:

But when you've had everything you've ever wanted/desired in one partner, everything else seems to fall into second place.

Cool but the only problem is that she wasn't everything you wanted. Guess why? She left. Now one can complicate it back and forth etc etc, but it really is as simple as that. People who truly love you won't leave, so by defintion she didn't love you enough, or at least enough to stay. After 5 years she's become a fantasy ideal of the perfect woman. hence you noting her cynical attitude at last meeting. It didn't match up to the fantasy. I gaurantee if you did hook up again it wouldn't match up and you would probably leave.

Let her go. Again it is a simple as that, though the path you take may prove difficult, but not taking that path is what led you to now. If you don't fully acknowledge that it's over and she's gona nd that's best for you, no amount of counseling or tantra or whatever gets you through the night will work.

That's my 2cents anyway.

Craft25 · 13-10-2008 7:52pm

ask the girl out, right now, this minute!! you have her number right!?! tell her your takin things step by step as you were hurt, then try and have fun

if it works it works.. and if it doesn't, well guess what, you'll still be alive, and you'll still be okay

JDLK · 13-10-2008 10:06pm

Relax mate, what you're going through is actually quite common and happens around the age of 28 for alot of guys. Basically you've outgrown the whole "player" thing. Having sex with random chicks has lost its once heavy importance as a reinforcer of masculinity for you. You experienced love which has pushed you through the emotional wringer that is now spat you out into the "mature man" phase. You dont want commitment yet you dont want meaningless sex with just any girl, one night stands have become a cliche. Ironically you will be very attractive to girls now but you're interest in them will continue to dwindle as you shift from the old ways of trying to make them laugh or inspire interest in them and start asking yourself "do they make me laugh?" "Do they interest me?" "Do they Challenge me" "Do they make me think?"- which leads to "What makes me laugh, think, inspired, challenged etc?"

And so begins the voyage of self discovery- you are no longer constrained by what should be cool, or what others think of you. Embrace this time through education, travel, charity, openness and most of all introspection- you are at last becoming a man and when you have discovered who you are you will be ready to commit to 1 woman for a shared life journey

Sexual repression is holding me back

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