Seperation

shay42

Hi I feel lousy about this but I need advice. I have been married to my wife for over 20 years. She is caring, thoughtful, considerate and a wonderful mother to our three kids. My problem is "I dont love her" I stopped loving her years ago but never told her. Up to recently she would have thought we had the ideal marriage because I led her to believe so.
This may sound selfish and prob is but I want to leave the lot of them and live on my own. I dont want councselling because I dont want to be with her anymore. I have told her Im not happy about my life and she knows im troubled even suggesting I take a little break for a few days away from them to clear my head. Trouble is I know what I want. I just cant bring mysself to tell her. There is no one else involved and Im not seeking a new partner.
We dont earn much but I am quite willing to leave her the house and I will continue to pay the morgatge. I will pay as much as I can towards the kids more than the legal requirement of 70 a week each ( I think). Can anyone offer me advice on what to do.

G&T

Shay,

Suggest you move your post to personal issues.

Am sorry I have no other advice.

iguana

Shay, I moved moved your post to Personal Issues as it's more suited here.

pj9999

Whatever about your wife, I've never heard of anybody who wanted to leave their kids. Use of the expression "the lot of them" suggests little affection for them.

LegacyUser

you seem to be implying that by paying the state amount that you're caring for them-ou're not and your post sounds very cold towards your children and loving wife of twenty years, Also its 150 a week not 70.you should know kids cost a lot more than that,legalities don't come into expenses

MIN2511

A lot of people would give you the sticks here for thinking of them as "the lot of them"

You are not happy, if moving out would make you happy then do so. I don't think any child would want their parents in a marriage when the parents are not happy.

Tell your wife that you don't love her and stopped loving her, it would be hard but thats the way life is.

Goodluck

andrewh5

MIN2511 wrote: »

I don't think any child would want their parents in a marriage when the parents are not happy.

You are so wrong. Most children prefer their parents to stay together. Study after study has show this yet the feminist lobby persist in peddling the opposite.

not yet

You sound very unhappy in this situation,Above all you have to think of YOUR children, I'd advise moving out but keep contact with your kids, believe me if you let that go you will regret it in years to come. I bet if you move out,get space,clear your head, a while down the line you will realise how important your kids are, You'll notice I haven't mentioned your wife and thats because I get the impression it's dead and gone but do concentrate on your kids.

Beruthiel

shay42 wrote: »

Trouble is I know what I want.

Are you quite sure of that? Sometimes we think we know what we want until we get it. Have you thought long and hard about it? Have you looked at it from every angle?

I just cant bring mysself to tell her.

Honesty is the way to go. She needs to know what's going on in your head.

Can anyone offer me advice on what to do.

Well, you say councselling is out of the question, it's pretty much the last ditch attempt if you wanted to save the relationship.
But you do seem to know what you want, so I'm not sure what other advice we can give.
I presume your kids are in their teens? Be sure to not neglect them during this time. Make sure they know you love them and make a huge effort to see them constantly.
Having gone through a divorce myself, this process isn't easy and it will be very hard on your parnter and kids. Try to make it as painless as possible for them.
Best of luck.

not yet

andrewh5 wrote: »

You are so wrong. Most children prefer their parents to stay together. Study after study has show this yet the feminist lobby persist in peddling the opposite.

Yeah but after all they are children and what they want and whats good for them are 2 different things.

In almost every situation where the parents are at each others throat its best for them to not be around this.

MIN2511

andrewh5 wrote: »

You are so wrong. Most children prefer their parents to stay together. Study after study has show this yet the feminist lobby persist in peddling the opposite.

Each to their own, i remember my folks fighting all the time when i was younger. And my mum crying for days, we scared of my dad cause he made my mum cry.....

And now my folks are separating and tbh i am happy they are... The just were not happy together.


Back to OP, do you reckon he should stay in the marriage he is not happy in because of his kids????????

shay42

MIN2511 wrote: »

A lot of people would give you the sticks here for thinking of them as "the lot of them"


I apologise for using the term " the lot of them" it was a careles remark. Of course I love my children but my wife and I seem to argue about them all the time, part of the reason I want to leave. I think everyone would be better off in the long term if I left. I know my wife adores me and I feel like Im cheating on her all the time by not loving her back. Im sick at the thoughts of telling her partly due to being a coward but I know I will never be happy if I stay. The reason I mentioned money is because we are not that well off but I am prepared to give as much financial assistance as possible to help her maintain her life and the kids.

themadchef

I dunno, you sound very clear. But, to be honest, i think anyone who can walk away like that is not considering the fact that he may be a little depressed?

Yes, love can fade / die for lots of reasons.

You say there's no one else, fine. It must be misery to live a lie day in day out (you say she never noticed as you led her to believe up until recently that all was well).

No one wants to consider depression as a reason. Maybe youre right, maybe it is over. But your whole post, the tone, description of your family has a cold nature to it. My money goes on you at least talking this through with a professional.

What you wanted to hear? probably not.
What you need to hear? i think so.
Best of luck OP

shay42

Hi OP
Thanks for the advice and you could be right about the depression. I have thought about that quite a bit . I was on medication for a few years for anxiety but im off that a good while now. I realise that coming off medication can lead to depression but I have been unhappy for years. I didnt mean to sound cold but what easy way is there to describe that you want to leave the family home after 20yrs. Of course Im going to hurt those closest to me but I need to do it for ME.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

go to a councillor by yourself, get good advice from them on your best course of action, or just got a psychologist so you can talk, its good to get things out, even with someone you don't know

shay42

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I now know I have to make one of the hardest decissions that I will ever have to make in my entire life. Most people out there will prob think I'm a selfish Bas***d and they could be right. Why should others suffer because Im unhappy........

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

best of luck in your decision, hope it works out for the best

deisemum

As you say it's one of the hardest decisions that you've got to make so I reckon it might be worth going to see a relationship counsellor because even though you want to separate at least speaking to a counsellor will help you deal with the fallout and help you cope with your decision one way or the other.

jessbeth

shay42 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I now know I have to make one of the hardest decissions that I will ever have to make in my entire life. Most people out there will prob think I'm a selfish Bas***d and they could be right. Why should others suffer because Im unhappy........

To be honest you don't sound like you're a selfish bastard, you sound more like you're in a lot of pain and have begun to despair. You know what really may be a good idea before you make such a big move would be to get a little advice from your doc. I'm not saying that you shouldn't move out or so but maybe despair, anxiety and depression could be causing a lot of these emotions and before you go and take that huge step of moving out and creating huge emotional turmoil for yourself and your family that you just talk to a professional, somebody who will show you understanding and empathy.
Sometimes depression and anxiety can disturb your thinking and something that you think sounds like a great solution wouldn't really be the solution at all so before you burn the bridges go to your gp for a chat first (or someone else who will listen).
I know one thing and that isolating yourself away from your family might seem to be ideal in your minds eye right now but it's never the solution. It won't give you the peace of mind that you search for.
I also would say that depression, anxiety and despair can leave you feeling emotionally disconnected from everyone you love.
So my advice is have a chat with a professional and don't do anything rash. There is help out there and you can have a better life, even if it does involve leaving your family. Just don't do it in a rash way that you will regret later.

marti101

andrewh5 wrote: »

You are so wrong. Most children prefer their parents to stay together. Study after study has show this yet the feminist lobby persist in peddling the opposite.

No i would rather my parents had seperated years before they did and i know many people felt the same.

shay42

Thanks Jessbeth I may actually take your advice on this. Not sure whether this is relevant or not but my father went to leave my mother after about 35yrs of marriage and several affairs that he had. We (the family) rounded on him and made him stay. They lived totally seperate lives after that and my mother was never happy....

jessbeth

shay42 wrote: »

Thanks Jessbeth I may actually take your advice on this. Not sure whether this is relevant or not but my father went to leave my mother after about 35yrs of marriage and several affairs that he had. We (the family) rounded on him and made him stay. They lived totally seperate lives after that and my mother was never happy....

I'm glad you've not decided to do anything rash. I mean the solution may be leaving in the end but at least you won't have left any door un-opened. I genuinely wish you the very best

beth-lou

marti101 wrote: »

No i would rather my parents had seperated years before they did and i know many people felt the same.

I agree with you completely. I was happy that my parents seperated. It was miserable watching my Mam sink deeper into unhappiness because of my Dad's lack of involvement with her, us and the marraige. It was a relief when he finally left. I think it depends on the situation though and the age of the kids and how much they understand.

OP, I think you should talk to your wife. It is a hard decision. All I can say is try your best to be honest and fair, whatever decision you make. And always show her and your kids respect wherever possible. I don't think you're a bastard either. Just someone facing a really harsh decision.

You may find that actually you do love her, but have become complacent, if you have a trial seperation. Take your time and as has been said, don't make any rash decisions.

SpookyDoll

OP, Its a very hard decision, I know one thing though, if I was married with kids and I learned my husband didn't love me and was sacrificing his own happiness to stay and make me and the kids happy that would be the bubble burst for me and I would want him to go.

I wouldn't want to live a lie and accept "fake love" -I would rather let the man go and be happy. You sound like you are very reasonable in terms of being willing to pay as much as you can too.

Its an unfortunate situation but I dont see why you should have to remain "acting out a part" for the supposed benefit of others.

It would be a wasted sacrifice anyway more than likely, if you dont love the woman, regardless of whether she adores you, then move on.

At the end of the day I would imagine your wife would have a lot more dignity being "in" on the truth, than being strung along like a big eejit oblivious to the truth.

hf4z6sqo7vjngi

Shay,

Tough spot especially with kids involved. Obviously at some point you and your wife were happy and in love, ask yourself what was that made the two of you click. Something must have happened or fell apart for you to feel so distant towards your partner of 20 years. Try identify what this and at least try to resolve it before you walk.

Be open and honest and have that difficult conversation with your wife, if she does not know something is broken how can she fix it (thats if it can). I think it is at least worth some form of relationship counselling after all you have 20 years of history together.

Best of luck with this

The Corinthian

shay42 wrote: »

I have told her Im not happy about my life and she knows im troubled even suggesting I take a little break for a few days away from them to clear my head.

It seems like a good suggestion and even if you are certain you want a permanent split, a few days, weeks or even months apart maybe all you need.

I also would not discount counselling as while you may think you know what the issue is, the reality may be something completely different.

We dont earn much but I am quite willing to leave her the house and I will continue to pay the morgatge. I will pay as much as I can towards the kids more than the legal requirement of 70 a week each ( I think). Can anyone offer me advice on what to do.

There is no standard 'amount' for maintenance. However, as a rule of thumb, the district court (the lowest level) can award up to a maximum of €500 p.w. to the spouse and €150 p.w. per child. The marital home is automatically already half hers, so what would be taken into account is that you have given her your half of the home and will be paying her half of the mortgage, however if she is unwaged (e.g. a home maker) you will likely have to pay her maintenance as well. This is before you consider savings, investments and your pension.

My guess is that you will be ordered to pay a lot more than you're suggesting, and would strongly recommend you seek legal advice.

shay42

Im sorry I ever mentioned money as that will not have anything to do with my decission. I merely added it to show that I would not see my family financilly hurt as well as emotionaly.
I told my wife last night that I no longer loved her.Afterwards I felt absolutley no emotion towards her, her feelings or the fact that I had hurt her. I thought once I said it, that everything in my head would be lifted and I would be released (mentally). NOTHING could have been further from the truth. . She cried and I did nothing. She asked me to see the doctor, which I did and I was totally honest with him. My doctor who is a very good one has diagnosed "depression" and Im inclined to agree with him.
I am going to work on this and have agreed to counselling with my wife if only to help us through this and if it doesnt work we will at least have the groundwork done to be a support for the kids if we do part.
Thanks to everyone who replied to my post and to those who offered valuable advise

LegacyUser

Glad to hear you are talking to a doctor went through this myself suffered from depression,I thought I wanted something else from my relationship after time I realised I had everything I really needed and nothing else mattered after that.
Time has passed and now we are married and have children, so glad she waited for me to sort my life out .Talking can really help